What would you do if your parents don't approve your boy/girl friend?

My friend is facing this problem now. Her father doesn't like the guy she is in love with. He even threatens that he will cut her off from the family, if she marries him. She has great respect for her father, but she is in love with this guy. She is unable to decide now. This is quite a new situation to me, I haven't seen any parent reacting like this towards their sun or daughter. What would you do if you were in that situation.

Hello. Thats a very difficult situation to be in. I happened to experience it myself with my parents and my fiance.  The most important thing for your friend to ask herself is if she is truly in love with her boyfriend.  Is he a positive aspect of her life, does he treat her with respect, and is he the one person she cannot stand to be without?

Although her parents may have reasons for not agreeing with the relationship, what matters most is that it's what she wants, and she is being treated properly.  No one, not even a person's parents can tell them who to love, that is only her decision.  If she decides that no matter what-she wants to marry him, then I suggest that she explains to her parents face to face, why she is in love with him, that it is her right to choose who she spends her life with, and that she hopes they can respect her choice and continue to have a relationship with their daughter, regardless of who she chooses to love.

Since I do not know her or her family, I cannot say what the reaction may be, but of course there is always the chance that her family may still feel that they do not want to continue seeing their daughter due to her choice. Is that something she is prepared to deal with, and continue HER LIFE, with her boyfriend and start her OWN family? Or is that reason enough to not continue a relationship with this man? Either choice may cause emotional pain for both parties, its a matter of following your heart that is most important, and sometimes you have to feel heartache in order to feel love.  Best of luck. ~J

I know it's a different situation, but I am a woman, and a few years ago, I fell in love with someone who just happened to be another woman. She is my soulmate and I love her more than anything else in the world. I would love her just as much if she were the same person in a man's body, but it didn't work out like that. Sometimes I ask myself why but I know I shouldn't, as I'm so lucky to have her at all. We've both already had a lot of difficulties in our lives, and I haven't come out to my parents yet, and maybe I won't, as they're sure to figure it out soon, but there's something I know for sure, and that's that we'll stay together. So everyone else will just have to get used to it.

I'd suggest your friend listens to her parents' specific concerns.  Having been in love with someone that my parents really didn't like and having married him almost as an act of defiance (although with their consent) I subsequently went on to find out that they were right all along!  The man I thought was my soul-mate turned out to be a nightmare and ruined my life for years.  To their credit, they never said 'we told you so'... but they'd have been perfectly entitled to.

If her parents feel so strongly that someone isn't right for her it could be that they have a point.  They could also be prejudiced, of course and their concerns are exaggerated.   She'll know whether her father is generally a good judge of character or not and I expect that's part of why she feels indecisive.   Either way, I'd suggest she waits before marrying the man.... give herself chance to find out who's right.

As someone who's mother doesn't like anyone with whom her daughters get involved with this is a tricky one. i tend to do what i want after all you have to learn things for yourself and make your own path in life.

I don't believe that anything is a mistake, it is brought into your life for you to learn and grow by.

In saying all that I would not tell someone else that that is what they should do unfortunately this is a choice only they can make knowing how strongly her parents feel about it.

Would you mind sharing her age? I think that it would have a huge impact on how we all respond to the question.

My parents did not like the first boyfriend I was sexually active with, and banned him from our house. Being 18, I of course rebelled and probably stuck with him longer than I should have, hoping to prove them wrong. But they were right-- he was an oversexed, mentally empty pup of a boy, and not worth the year-long rift it caused between my parents and I. 

Anyhow. I would advise her to look at how her parents have acted in the past and go from that, because blood is important. Have they always done their best to act in her best interest? Does she share their moral and social values? If the answers are yes, she should not marry him-- or at least wait a year or two. Over time you can begin to see the darker sides of a person, or even convince a father to see that this man is devoted to his daughter (and may have redeeming qualities after all).

Nobody was ever good enough for me either according to my parents. But having said that I know that as a result I indeed tended to stay with this boy longer than I should have, just 'to show them', but if I really really think about it, I know they were right. It is really hard to keep the right focus when something like this happens, one tends to be so insulted with the fact that they seem not to trust your choice and so it is really easy to throw any sense of reallity over board and defend the choice to the end, but I think the smartest thing would be to take a little distance and indeed do some real soul searching and see if one is willing to give up family end everything for someone you THINK you madly love and you HOPE really feels the same way (and is not just saying it) Good luck to your friend! I hope she finds a way to work it out.

Your question brings back memories for me.  I'm an old fogey; been married to the same fantastic person for 30 years.  My Mother in Law finally quit disliking me when she passed away- wish I were joking.  I've never figured it out.  Guess I am just the proverbial ogre.  Ha ha.  Early on in my relationship with my hubby, he had some nasty times, choosing me and not his Mother.  He is a champ.  He always stood up for me and when our daughter came along and Mother tried to discipline her without our say so, he went with me when we grabbed our daughter and walked out the door.  I hope you do better than we did when it came to family.

As far as I'm concerned parents aren't the ones dating them.

Some dads with daughters in particular see the daughters as "their" possession. Your friend is an individual with her own free will. If the dad doesn't recognize that he's setting himself up for a lot of resentment and alienation whether he cuts her off or not.

Poetnw, I understand where you're coming from in regard to your Mother In Law. Sometimes you just have to walk away from In-Laws.

Ohh, my. Some of us should really start a club to support each other against abusive inlaws. I would like to say it would be nice if she informed her boyfriend. ( If he isn't aware. ) To those of you that are aware. At least you know!

There is a power in knowing that helps with your reaction to the madness.

  Ygm: I sent you a private message with advice ect in mail through the site. I would've posted it here but it was so long. I apolgize: The In-Law topic is pretty broad as far as I'm concerned. Lol. I hope it helps you to help your friend in some way. :) 

Best wishes!

Depends.  If she's 30... or if she's 17.

Personally I only experienced this once, when I was 18.  I should have listened to them.  Lucky for me, my parents also taught me well and when he started to show abusive tendencies, I left him.

But they saw through him WAY before I did.  I even missed my prom because of my stubborn-ness.  Not that I was big into that stuff, but I honestly regret being so stubborn.

But it also depends on the parents, too.  Do they generally look out for the kid?  Or do they generally look out for themselves first? 

It really depends on her age and if she can live with or without this man.

I am from Utah (mormonville) and my parents are divorced.  I dated my first husband in highschool and got married to him after he served an LDS mission (I was 19 he was 22).  The entire time his parents didn't like me.  "My parents got a divorce therefore my risk for divorce will be higher" "I am immodest because I wear sleeveless shirts (no kidding!)" "I am not musical enough".  I thought he stuck with me because he loved me.  He really was just rebelling and confused infatuation with love.  Marriage is hard and when he went to his parents to complain about me they totally supported him.  He ended up wasting 3.5 years of my life in that marriage.

I am lucky to have parents who have supported my choice in partners totally (and they were both male and female... thank God my parents are not conservatives). I have also always been lucky to have good relationships with my partners' parents. So, although I have no experience in this issue, my gut reaction is that, if you are an adult, your relationship is your choice. It's disrespectful for parents to interfere in an adult child's relationship. If you have concerns, you can raise them. But you can't continue to act coldly towards the person your child has, for whatever reason, fallen in love with. You're forcing them to make a difficult choice and I for one would always pick a partner over a parent.

Has your friend's boyfriend ever sat down with your father and talked? Let him know a bit about himself? At first, my parents didn't like my boyfriend--probably because I'm the youngest and the only daughter, and he was my first boyfriend.

But after my boyfriend had a talk with my dad (he knew what to talk about to butter him up: politics, stock market, science, etc.). Now my father approves of him. My mother is still kind of rude to him, but whatever.

I think it depends if, a) the parents have gotten to know the boyfriend, and, b) WHY the parents don't like him. If they warn your friend that he looks fishy, off, psycho, etc. I would be cautious. But if they're simply turning their nose up at him, I'd ignore my parents for being stuck up.