Getting parents to "loosen the reins"

Hi everyone! So my story... i'm 16 but I will be 17 in May...and my parents hardly give me any freedom. I can go out with my friends but only if I get permission from BOTH parents and as long as my parents know the friend. Also, they check up on me incessantly. I don't give them a reason not to trust me either. I make great grades, i'm the "good" kid in my family, and I never went out or had friends in middle school so now that I finally have a nice bunch, they just keep holding on to me more.

Also, college is coming up and my parents and I have been talking and they want me home almost all the time. I also asked them about college travels, like during spring break with friends. My mother said no. My father said hell no.

Today my friend and I were talking (i've known her since 2nd grade) and we thought it would be really great if we went on a cruise as a graduation gift. Just us two -- or a parent chaperone if needed. I presented this idea to my mom today and she said no, no, no! I don't get it. What's wrong here?

I was invited to attend a National Leaders conference at a university an hour from my house for 4 days this summer -- basically I would live in a dorm, eat in the dining hall, all that plus learning skills for college and upon completion I would recieve letters of reccommendation and other useful things for the college application process! Great right? But my mom doesn't like the idea of me being away from home, though and she doesn't think I will go to this thing.

Other things... my mom is very snoopy and sometimes goes through my things (even my trash!!) and asks me questions about my cell phone bill. Not questions about pricing but about who i'm calling, who it was I spoke to for an hour straight, etc...

I swear I really am a good kid. I've messed up a few times like any other teen but nothing major and definitely nothing to deserve such strict treatment. Part of me believes they want to ruin my life this way and the other half of me believes that they are just getting scared that i'm growing up and maybe they want to 'shield' me from the horrors of the world (or atleast teen world) but it's just so annoying! My friends make fun of me because my mother calls atleast 3 times when we hang out.

Any advice on how I can get my parents to relax a little? And maybe on how I can convince them to let me go to the leadership conference and possibly the cruise?

Thanks!

Your parents are judging you on you current age and maturity level, as opposed to the age and maturity of the poeple who do those sort of things. I have a 16 yr old daughter who is honor roll and plays 2 varsity sports and has a part time job, and if she told me she was going to go away fro spring break when she was in college, Id tell her "over my dead body". There really is no reason for anyone under the age of 21 to go away for spring break anyway.

Let the spring break and the cruise thing wait. You are putting the cart before the horse, so-to-speak. Its very easy to tell a 16 yr old "there is no freaking way I will ever let you loose, underage and unsupervised, in a city filled with drunk college aged deviants looking for a nieve piece of tail to drug and have their way with." Every parent of a teenage girl has nightmares of seeing her on a "girls gone wild" commercial some late night.

But, it will be a lot more difficult to say no when a grown responsible young woman of 20,21,22 years of age lets them know what her plans are for the future.

Let your parents enjoy the last couple years of having you as their child, they know you are growing up and moving on soon. there is nothing they can do to stop that, and they are just trying to make sure it happens at the correct pace.

Trust me, your not missing anything as far as "partying" is concerned in high school. Concentrate on school and being successful, like you are already doing, and the rewards will be awesome during and after college. (and all the people who "partied" in highschool will be living it up at their job at McDonalds while you are doing a semester in Europe your senior year of college!)

As far as being snoopy is concerned, I can tell you that there are millions of kids out there who would love to have their parents give enough of a damn to be concerned. If you dont give them anything to snoop about, eventually it will stop. Trust me, she is looking out for you, not trying to "get" you.  My daughter was lucky I snooped once, I stopped her from doing a very very stupid thing that she thought she was old enough to take care of on her own, and she now understands and thanks me for it. Be patient, you have the rest of your life to be an adult.

I know its not what you wanted to hear, but I hope it helps a little.

Thanks so much for the reply. It really does help to see it in a mother's perspective. I do see your point... and it's true, I didn't want to hear that at first but I think I get it now.

well, I think the cruise is a bad idea, personally. If I were your mother I sure wouldnt let you go.

As for going away for Spring Break while your at university, I say why not? But honestly, by that time you may just want to take the time to relax and catch up on missed sleep and homework. Trust me.

If your parents won't let you go out with certain friends bring them over to your house a few times so that your folks can meet them, find out they are decent and responsible and then maybe they'll be more leniant(sp?) with those friends.

Its only a little while longer.. you'll be out on your own soon and be able to make your own decisions. Just deal for now. I know, sux, but thats all you really can do beyond just discussing it with your parents.

Um, I'm in your situation, except not quite so tight (I've wiggled out of that death grip, a little bit). I'm a 17 year old male.

The other parents are justifying it all, but they still don't get it. Did you see how they automatically assumed you wanted to go to Mexico and get drunk? They also immediately think you're going to be taken advantage of. Well, once you finally have to live on your own, you WILL be taken advantage of because you'll still be naive, due to the fact that you've been in a bubble constructed by your parents your entire life. Trust your kids for once. If they fail, let them. It's the best way to learn.

I really hate my parents because of it. And I'm not just exaggerating. I don't like to talk to them, at all. They think I'm depressed because of the way I act around them (I'm actually rather happy).

I do freelance web design, and I'm planning on moving out soon. I might have to live on a controlled budget for a while, but I've saved up a lot of money, and have a steady flow of income. I've done all planning and numbers, have allowed for unexpected costs, and have allowed for a portion of my income to be saved each month. My girlfriend is 20 and lives on her own in an apartment, and has helped me in all of this planning, so I'm pretty sure that I've covered all of the bases. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I'd say I'm fairly mature. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't doubt it.

At one point a while ago, I "snapped," and ever since then, whenever they'd try to tighten control and become more involved, I pushed back. It hasn't been fun. Tell me, how quickly have you learned from your own screw-ups, compared to how effective your parents have been in teaching you by imposing limits?

Well, I wasn't going to post because I thought Mr. Hooligan stated things very well.  However, after the last post I felt compelled.

This is my story, and I'm not implying in any way that either of you teenagers are like me... although I would wonder about cr4wford.  I am a 33 yo mother of 2.  I had sex the first time at 15, just after my parents divorced.  He was a major loser, but I wanted acceptance.  The next boyfriend was from a great family, and I was sure we would get married.  We dated from when I was 15, until the end of my senior year.  There were pregnancy scares, my folks had no idea.  I was a straight A student, never stayed out late, never partied, had really great geeky friends, etc etc.  I didn't dye my hair, do the hard rock thing (goth wasn't the fad then) or anything like that.  I worked 30 hours a week my senior year, and went to college two nights a week.  That bf and I broke up... I went to college at 18.  Met a guy... made his 21st birthday something to remember, and now we've been married for 14 years and have 2 children ages 12 and 13.  We married in Feb and DS was born in the end of July.

Of course, my experiences shape me as a mother.  I don't believe in divorce unless there's abuse or cheating. (My parents had "irreconcilable differences."  I do allow my 13 year old to go to the movie with friends. Sometimes I go too and sit somewhere else.  Some times I drop him off and pick him up.  Sometimes my 12 year old daughter goes too.  Kids do need to have some space so they can learn to interact with people and environments, but it should be controlled space.  That's a parent's responsibility.

Now, as for cr4wford, with a 20 yo GF, I'm guessing that you're parents are pretty worried about you, and that's why you get no slack.  With my son, I'd be the same way.... because I KNOW.  I know you believe I'm justifying, but some day... God may bless you with children.  It sounds like you have a lot going for you... talent, money-sense, work ethic...  It's too bad that you can't see that limits, boundaries, are placed for safety and out of love.  The parents that let children, teenagers, run free... how much do they care, really?

Schlosska,
Thanks for the reply, and I don't think you're unreasonable. Let me clarify myself--I don't believe that letting your children run free would be responsible, either. Especially at 12 & 13, that's quite a different age from 17 (well, 18 in a couple weeks). I recognize that boundaries are placed for safety and out of love, but there's a healthy medium in which the child is given a comfortable and appropriate amount of freedom. If you don't gradually give them more and more freedom, until eventually you do let them run free, then you will be keeping them in that "bubble" I described in my previous post. You might KNOW, but they won't until they make the mistake. Look back at what you know, and ask yourself why you know it. I'm sure it's because of your mistakes. Did you really turn out all that bad? If you're going to try to teach them based on your mistakes, at least TELL them your mistakes so there's some evidence to support you. They might say "well, I'm not you!", but it's better than just being told "No, you can't go out tonight!"

I would hope that you let them know when you stay in the theater. If not, you should talk to them about it. Ask them how they feel about you doing that, and to explain why. If they don't want you to, give them a chance to argue why you shouldn't. Then tell them why you think you should. Even if it's only a semi-facade, they'll love you for treating them (seemingly) like adults. The restrictions and treatment should change as they grow older. If they didn't know you did it, and they found out about it, that would not be a good situation. Their friends will think you're weird and make fun of them for it. They'll be incredibly angry, everybody will be mad and upset, and you will become distanced from each other. And I know you don't want that.

Of course, if a kid is being financially supported, it can be argued that they are not mature enough to be able to "run free," (depending on their situation--they might just be a full time student). That is why I have worked to make money, so that I don't have to rely on my parents at all. I plan on paying for college entirely by myself, through loans, budgeting, and filing taxes as an "independent" and thus getting a larger check from the government (here in the US) towards school.

Keep in mind that everybody matures at different speeds, and base your parenting off of that, not your preconceived assumptions and ideals.

Well, right now while you are in high school, I'd say you just have to deal with your parents and make the best of it.  Maybe they will loosen up, maybe they won't.

But, once you're 18, and *hopefully* mostly independent (money-wise and emotion-wise, etc), you deserve your own life.  This was the case with me...an overprotective father, but a very understanding and kind mother.

At the end of my freshman yr of college (I was still 18) I met my b/f who at the time was 26.  Needless to say, my father was really not happy.  Well, I stayed over w/ the b/f many times that the parents did not know about, simply b/c they would never have allowed it (really now, what can happen at night that can't happen during the day?! sleep perhaps?)

So I got fed up.  Towards the end of summer I finally said "i'm going over to his house for a nice dinner, and i'm staying there".  They both said no, it wasn't going to happen.  I said there's no reason why I can't, and I left.

Neat thing?  a few months later during Thanksgiving break, my parents had to pick both me and my b/f up from the airport at the same time..and what did they do then?  They dropped both of us off at his house to stay there for the majority of my vacation.

Assert the level of authority that you are truly deserving of.  But wait until you're 18 :-P  For now, prove your worth respect

My parents were the EXACT same way when I was in high school.  I had to always ask both parents, and even if one parent said yes and the other said no.. it was still no.  Even maybes meant no.  I wasn't allowed to drive until after I graduated.  I had a curfew.  etc..

Fast forward...

I turn 23 in a few months.  I'm still at home.  They insisted that I goto a University nearby or they wouldn't help me with the costs of living.  I still have a curfew.  My dad wont allow me to drive at night.  I got grounded a few months ago for not having a clean room...  They open my mail.  They take my tax return checks.. 

My advice..  leave.  ASAP.  I don't see my situation getting any better until I get out of their house.

Good luck and I hope your situation turns out better than mine has.

They do sound quite strict and overprotective. I say that as a mother of two teenagers, 16 and 14. My daughter went on a youth club trip absolutely miles away last summer for two weeks. It was with a lot of other youngsters and supervised by youth leaders. It was hard letting her go but I trusted her and knew she would have fun. Believe me, two weeks was a very long time and she was so far away. She loved the trip and did so m any activities that she just 
wouldn't have been able to do on a family holiday (single parent here) and I really wanted her to have  a good time. Sometimes, as parents, you have to let your kids do things and if making mistakes is part of that, then so be it. You have to let them grow as people.
That conference sounds as if it would  be so good for you so I can see how frustrating that is. Hope things get better for you.  

Your parents are doing their job. It's not because they think you "deserve such strict treatment". I wish there were more parents like yours who go to the trouble of making sure their child is behaving.  Could it be that they know you better than you think?

Asking for things like cruises and trips for spring break is selfish.  As far as the conference goes, what is it you haven't told us about it?  Maybe that the kids going go wild while there?  Your parents have investigated, believe me they have, and it's their decision.  When you turn 21 you can be responsible for (and pay for) all those things.  But for now, listen to your parents!  And while you're at it, help them out a little.

i disagree that snooping is a suitable thing to do to a teenager, especially if you don't act out or act disrepectfully towards your parents. if you are a good kid there is no reason you don't deserve some privacy as well.

my parents treated me in the way my behaviour dictated... they were never TOO strict or overprotective and i've always been a good kid. and i love them for it.

overdoing it will just push children away, but at least you know they care about you. :)

i agree 16 might still be a little young to go on a cruise... give it a few more years and hopefully they'll accept that you are more responsible as the years have passed and you'll have earned it.

my two cents, take them as you will (i'm 20 btw).

Lets just say that your daughter girlfriend is planning on meeting the friend of her girlfriends boyfriend that she has been communicating with over the internet.

lets just say that shes 15.

Lets also say that the plan is to have the boys drive down from out of state, swing by the house at about 2AM, pick up the girls after they sneak out so they can "drive around and talk". lets also say that the boys are actually 19 and 20 year old college students who live 800 miles away and are bringing alcohol and have a cheap hotel room already reserved, and the girls are 8th graders who have no idea what the boys are expecting to get when they make the long drive for a one night stand.

lets say this is all discovered by one of the girls fathers about 24 hours before it happens by reading a note he found on his daughters desk and going thru her email messages. Lets just say that if these boys would have been able to go through with their plan, they would have commited numerous felonies and would now be registerred sex offenders and the girls would have an experience they would probably not have enjoyed.

 It is my job as a father to make sure these things dont happen. My daughter understands this and we actually have a great relationship, we watch movies and play video games and sometimes go shopping together.

It wasnt all that long ago I was living in a frat house, we all loved it every year in august, hundreds of fresh new nieve freshmen girls to come "party" with us at our house w/ no adult supervision. I know what happens to 18 yr old girls in situations like that. MTV and the movies have lied to you.

Its amazing how from the ages of 12-20 your parents seem to get stupider and stupider, but from the age of 21 as you get older they suddenly get smarter and smarter!

If you want to go on a cruise after you graduate then you should get a job and save your money so you can afford to pay for it.  The same goes for Spring break in college.  You will be over 18 and can certainly do those things if you want to...as long as you can pay for it.  Your parents sound like good parents who are concerned with your welfare.  While I'm not a big advocate of "snooping", I wonder how much of that has to do with the "few times you messed up".  In the case that hooligan sited...thank goodness he was "snooping". 

Bottom line is you may not like your parents rules, but you live in their house and they pay the bills so they get to make the rules.   Too many kids want mom and dad to foot the bill for everything and at the same time they want to be left alone and treated like adults.  Reality is that you get to make the decisions when you are paying your own way in life.

I left home when I was 18, got a partial scholarship and paid the rest of university costs myself. 

I am now the parent of a 15 year old.  And I think she's an awesome person, even though she has struggled this past year. She has tried to test my rules and whether I will enforce them. I hope I have held the line on what I believe are reasonable rules.

But I always tell her, You've only got 3 more years and then it's all up to you.  You're smart, beautiful, kind, interesting - you've got everything going for you.  I really want you to make the choices that will lead to your overall happiness and sense of wholeness.  I really want you to avoid the pitfalls of drugs, STDs, pregnancies or any other destructive behavior. 

At 15, I expect her to be focusing on her education and her future career and to a lesser extent, finding real friends, good friends.  I expect this because I do not intend to support her into her 20s...

To the OP, your parents love you very much and are scared about you growing up. The person who suggested demonstrating your trustworthiness gave good advice.

To all the people over 18 who would let their parents run their lives? A 23 year old who got grounded????  what the???  What are you thinking?  Get out!  Live off ramen noodles if you have to, but take hold of your life and get busy living it! 

Cr4wford,

Yep, they absolutely know when they are chaperoned. I don't lie to them.  And, they trust me and appreciate the fact that I care enough to keep them safe.

I am honest with them about my mistakes, as they reach ages of understanding and learning from them.  For example, when my son was 4 he said, "When I grow up and get married and go to college..." Because I was in college with two little kids.  I stopped him and explained that he needs to go to college and finish it before having a family.  Another example, he recently figured out that I was pg with him before we got married.  He was crushed because of how we have raised him.  We had a long talk, the three of us, and explained why we have raised him as we have, so that he doesn't have as slow and difficult of a start of adult life as we did.

On the other hand, I watched my younger sister do everything that my father told her he did that was a mistake.  She had the attitude "if he did it, why can't I."  So, to generalize that all kids can learn from other's mistakes isn't reasonable either.  We can all represent ourselves here any way that we want.  But, the truth is, the original poster of this thread may tell us she's wonderful and responsible, but how do we really know?  Is she looking for validation so that she can follow through with some action that she thinks is reasonable, but isn't.

Hooligan,

Thank God you came across the note and the e-mail.  A real tragedy could have happened.  Our kids know that we own the computers in this house, and that we own this house.  They are temporary, very loved, residents.  We set those guidelines before they were able to have computers, and it is the way it is.  I don't check them often, but will if I notice they aren't acting normal.  We have also told them that they won't own their own car, but will be able to borrow one of ours.  It's not a matter of us feeling like we have to control everything.  It's a matter of letting them grow up at a pace where they accept responsibility as they're ready for it.  It's a way to ensure that good communication is happening.  The funny thing is, I sound soooo strict.  I'm sure I'll get flamed for it.  But, my kids are really happy.  My 13 yo hugs me every day and tells me how much he loves me... same with my 12 yo. 

Oh, just remembered... my kids go to another state to camp every summer for 1-2 weeks.  They have been doing this since they were 6 and 7.  My mom gives them camp money for Christmas every year.  So, I do wonder why you (originator of this thread) can't go to the conference.  Is there a reason that your parents are concerned?

For the 23 yo... I would find a way to make it on my own.  There are ways to finish school.  I have a master's degree, and only had an associate's degree when our first child was born.  I owe a lot of money, but it was worth it.  There are ways, and if you really want out from that environment, you can.

My parents were completely overbearing, overprotective snoops. I wasn't even allowed to hang out with boys until I was 16. My curfew was ridiculous and I'm pretty sure my parents ruined any chance of being accepted in highschool. Same things as listed above... I couldnt go out with friends unless my parents knew them, and got to talk to their parents first, a million phone calls to see what I was doing...ect..

So as soon as I could (at 17) I moved out. I'm 21 now, and I still live on my own and am putting myself through University. I don't push my route as the "one" to do.. but for me it was the only option. Even at 21 my mom still attempts to control me. At 18 I went to Mexico with a friend for Spring Break... and I was never taken advantage of, drugged, or ended up on Girls Gone Wild.

From my experience there is absolutely nothing you can do to get more freedom or prove to your parents you're responsible so you just have to suck it up until you're in the position to move out on your own. Besides working full-time and having to worry about bills, food, ect... You sure do get a lot of freedom.

i think the core of the problem is, everyone matures differently, and unless ur parents can predict exactly how u will act under any given circumstance, they will tend to become either too strict or too loose. as long as they are not unreasonably extreme, i'd cut them some slack. that said, if u want to improve ur current situation (because u think ur mature enough to take on more responsibilities), the only way is to communicate more. parents who love their children are not simply satisfied with display of financial independence, but also emotional and spiritual maturity as well. cr4wford - u DO sound mature and figuring out ur life quite well, but if there's anything u missed, it's letting ur parents know of ur maturity and success. it could well be that ur parents are difficult to talk to, but that's not the case for everyone. i think that's why most people here are urging backtobasics to talk to his parents to gain some understanding from their viewpoint.

btw, i'm 22 (my bday was yesterday!) so i'm not speaking from a parent's point of view. let me know what u (u as in everyone who read this) of this :)

See, I definitely do see where each and every one of you are coming from. And I do know that part of why my dad is so strict about everything (including boys...i'm not even allowed to "like" them, so to speak) because when my dad was younger he was a good looking ladies man who partied hard and went to party central cities for spring break and loved girls and etc. So I know that he knows all of that is out there and wants to shield me from it. It's also not like i'm asking to go out and do all of this alone or with friends. I even told my mom that we can bring along a parent to the cruise (which she still said no to).

Yes, I understand that snooping can be useful but it also offends me sometimes. It makes me wonder if I did something to make her not trust me or if she just does not trust me period.

I'm obviously not the perfect teenager, but for the most part I have a clean record. I admit, I have done some stupid stuff like sneak out and lie about my whereabouts (it was actually at a rock concert on a school night in which my mom found out about that night) and gone on a date with a boy at the movies while I told her it was just a movie hangout with my female friends.

So really, some of these restrictions kind of make me want to "rebel" just to prove I can, if that makes any sense.

For example, I gained alot of weight months ago because my mom NEVER let me eat sweets at home or eat anything even remotely delicious. Sometimes she scared me because she didn't want me to eat much at all. So what I did was when she was gone from the house, I would binge on my brothers junk food or eat at a friend's or buy cookies at school.

The main reason why I tend to rebel sometimes (and like I said, nothing completely major like sex or drugs or drinking -- i've never even been to a party!) is because I am/was absolutely forbidden to do those things. Maybe it's a teenager thing?

I was also talking to my personal trainer about this at the gym today (we got into the subject of travelling) and she said that by time I hit college and my parents are used to me being away and know that I can fend for myself, then they will begin to relax a little bit.

frankly, if they are paying for your roof, food, etc...what they say goes

move out if you want your own life...pay for everything and they have NO SAY WHATSOEVER...i knew a lot of kids in college who did this, and it worked out for them...

btw, Im 23, no kids or anything, and my parents were not very strict at all paid for school and all that, no curfew, got to go where i wanted when I wanted with who i wanted...they even let me date a no good loser....i turned out fine, college education, great BF and good job etc etc...

some people i know, without a controled, strict environment, would have gone hog wild and probably be in jail, it all depends on the person....

oh and if i were living with my parents at age 23 and they tried to control me like that...i would have some words for them and leave and not come back...money or no money...I would rather couch-jump than live like that...how awful.


on the opposite side of the coin, they do know that by being like that, that when you do get freedom ...you will do all sorts of crazy stupid things...right?

Ahhh backtobasics.  You do seem really sweet.  You remind me of my youngest sister-in-law.  I remember when she was 17, I was 25, and she really needed a "big sis" to vent about life.  My father-in-law, her dad, told her we couldn't go on a walk because she had already gone to the movies that week with friends.  He also told her she "didn't need to fraternize with adults."  I was pretty pissed.  I AM her sister-in-law.  I'm not a random adult.  She's almost done with law school now, graduates in May.  My FIL has asked her to come practice with him, and it sounds like she'd take any other offer before that.  They get along, but I think she wants her space too.  I sure hope everything works out for you.  Best of wishes my dear!  Kelly