For parents of OLDER children.

When i say older children i mean in their 20's or so. :-)

My boyfriend and i have been together since we were 17...we are now 21. We are serious about each other and love each other very much! i know im super young but i KNOW hes the one iwant to be with. there is no doubt in my mind...he feels the same. So he is at school at MIT for engineering and im in another city for nursing. I just got a nurse tech position in a top rated hospital...a nurse tech iskind of like a paid internship for nurses. And he just told me yesterday he got his internship in the same city i am in. He wanted to be closer but he didnt think he'd get it and he did! So anyway...he told his parents and his mom and dad wer elike "Oh you can move in with your aunt for the summer..." This isnt what we want. We've talked about moving in together just for the summer as i am looking for a roommate for summer months anwayys. my roommate is going back home for the summer. Im only staying cause of my intern. however, our parents treat us like teenagers. I mean his parents are worse than mine at it...but its like, we arent really those little 17 yr olds any more. He has talked to his mom about it cause hes sick of being treated like that and she just says that we have alot going for us and she doesnt want us to mess it up now. (like whats that supposed to mean?). His parents were married at 21...and we arent even allowed to be in the same room alone at 21! i mean come on...i know were young but were not young enough to be treated like that.

So here is my question for you....what would your reaction be, as parents, if your 21 yr olds announced they were moving intogether for the summer?? I dont want his family to like hate me and think im trying to "ruin what hes got going for his life. I know this is really lame to be asking this on here but i dont want to even bring it up to them if they are going to treat us this way. I just dont know what their reaction would be...i kinda know what his parents would say but as far as mine...i have no clue! he just says "i dont care what my parents say im an adult now" yes- we are adults now and we can do what we want but i still want his parents approval...and i dont want to cause alot of drama. His parents would be the ones to make a big deal of it, mine i just dontknow.

I think at 21 we all believe we are more mature than our parents believe we are.   So I think you are right where you are supposed to be.

Maybe they are concerned that you will get pregnanat OR that the two of you will feel that you "might as well get married" if you are going to live together. It IS harder to be mature enough to be married at 21. Being married is harder than looking only to your own future. Having children makes things harder yet. Maybe they are just trying to protect you from all those things.

I think it is nice that you don't want to cause drama with his parents or yours. Family relationships are so important, and it may be a sign of your own maturity that you aren't rushing into this without thinking about the effects of your relationships with your families.

However, there is a time when parents have to let go and let you do what you need to do. This might be the time for them. Maybe you could sit down and have an adult-to-adult talk about what their specific concerns are. That way you could truly weigh their opinion and they could feel they were being heard.

I agree...thankyou for your opinion. i know im not mature enough to handle marriage and children. We dont plan on that any time soon. Both our families know that school is our priority right now and we both have a year left after our interns. I'm sick of being treated like that. when we are at our age level we should be treated our age level. it was like, i went to his parents for the holidays and he got a movie for christmas and they went to bed and we stayed up watching it...his mom asked his sister to sit with us! It also kind of hurts when his sister is only 23...2 years older than us. and when her boyfriend comes over for the holidays...they sleep in the same bed!! We've been dating much longer than them. and my boyfriend had to sleep on the sofa and he gave me his bed. I personally think our parents, especially his, are having a difficult time letting go...we are both the youngest in our families.

is it really that hard for parents to let go??E is it different with the youngest??  who knows...maybe she has a rule of "23 years old your mature." i think his mom is having a very difficult time with him growing up.

and by the way...my parents know im on birth control, i'm about 90% certain they know we are sexually active. i told my mom i wanted to go on it when i was 17, she just said "well if your going to be sexually active i cant stop you so i'd rather you be safe"- thats how my parents are. So i think my parents are a little more relaxed about that. His parents dont know im on birth control....i was thinking of just taking it in front of them so they know but then of course they know we are sexually active which they would NOT like. So thts another reason my family is a little more relaxed about us being alone. They know he comes to my place alot and stays and i go to his...his family would be like SKDHFKASJHDFKJAHSDKJ haha.

Aha! The youngest! Well nobody likes their baby to grow up. ;)  really, it really does make a difference to some parents when it is the youngest because they still think of him/her as "the baby". If they let the 23 y/o sister sleep with her boyfriend in the house, then I imagine they would adjust if the two of you moved in together.

 Heck, ask sis how she did it. Maybe she just "took" her independence and they had to let go. At any rate, if she is a friend at all then his sister may be able to help you figure his parents out so you can talk to them more easily.

haha yeah. his sister and i are fairly close. She lives in california so we dont see her a whole lot. My boyfriend is very close with his sister so im thinking maybe he can talk to her and ask her how she did it...she is totally understanding of us. thats how i know his mom asked her to "watch us" cause she came and told us she was like "That is ridiculous! your 21." she didnt watch us that night haha...just said she would so we could for once have them off our backs.

As a mom-- of a 9 yr old-- and only 7 yrs older than you-- I can understand where mom is coming from-- she sees that you are in a promising place and wants you to experience life and not find yourself deadend by a relationship or pregnancy, or even perhaps, deal with the crap that living together does.

Look, you arent a kid anymore.  if you want to live with your bf, do it.  Just know it is hard! to live with a bf and work and do all the things you want.  Its not romantic at all to have his ass hair in the shower or facial hair in the sink, or fall into the seat or walk in to take a bath after he has had mexican food.  You get to know each other in a totally different way, and it takes a bit of the bloom off of the rose.

Just explain it to your parents, ask them for their input, ask mom to tell you what she is worried about because you want to think seriously about all of the issues before you move forward.  Then have an adult mature conversation about it-- like the mature adult you are.  And actually listen, even if your mind is made up.  Mom might have something worthwhile to say.

Parents will treat their children like children FOREVER if they are allowed to get away with it. You're 21, and if you're serious about being together there's no reason not to put your foot down and say 'mom and dad, we're moving in together' and just do it!

Original Post by drea99:

 Just know it is hard! to live with a bf and work and do all the things you want.  Its not romantic at all to have his ass hair in the shower or facial hair in the sink, or fall into the seat or walk in to take a bath after he has had mexican food.  You get to know each other in a totally different way, and it takes a bit of the bloom off of the rose.

That's the truth!!

They're going to treat you like a teenager long after you are 21, trust me.  Half my family still tries it and I turn 30 next month. 

I'd honestly sit down with both sets of parents and just explain the situation.  If nothing else use the angle that your roomie is leaving for the summer as another point coupled with the fact that he didn't think he would get the internship.  You've been together 5 years so even if they don't want to admit it you both are in a committed and stable relationship.  If you'd just met it'd be a totally different situation.

You might be young, yes, but you seem really mature and considerate of how this could effect everyone.  It's the right approach.  Ultimately there could be some tension but it's a small hill to get past, not like climbing a mountain.  If his parents were married young and either has regrets that could be why they're overprotective sounding of him (or that he's the baby clouds that) but they'll come around. 

I got married against my dad's advice (he said wait 3 years until I got out of the military, unless I reenlisted) and he didn't speak to me for 6 months.  He really threw the drama into overdrive.  Now 10 years later he keeps wishing he could go back and change what he did because he's seen just how wrong he was.  Sure there's parts that weren't easy but anything in life that's really worth it is something you might have to fight a little for.   

Original Post by vwilki01:

Original Post by drea99:

 Just know it is hard! to live with a bf and work and do all the things you want.  Its not romantic at all to have his ass hair in the shower or facial hair in the sink, or fall into the seat or walk in to take a bath after he has had mexican food.  You get to know each other in a totally different way, and it takes a bit of the bloom off of the rose.

That's the truth!!

 I second this!

I do not have adult children--my oldest is four--but I moved in with my boyfriend when I was 18 years old and it was the biggest mistake of my life. I am not saying it would be for you but I really regret it. My parents did not approve of me seeing him let alone living with him. It turned out he was NOT the person I knew before living with him. He was verbally and physically abusive. I finally realized I had to get out after living with him for a year.

Moving in with him put such a strain on my relationship with my parents that it took me several years to earn their trust back and mend all the wounds. I wound up marrying the man I dated all through high shool. My parents approved of him and since we had our daughter before we were married, they knew we were sexually active and had no problem with us living together at the age of 22. I had no qualms about telling them we would be living together because I knew they would approve because of the man I was moving in with and they knew I had matured.

My parents stopped treating me like a teenage when I had children of my own. They still treat me like their adult child and not as their peer and I highly doubt that will ever change.

I have found that the best thing you can do is be honest. They are your parents...they love you unconditionally. They may frown upon what you're doing but if it's truely what you want to do, tell them that and they'll eventually come to terms with it.

I appreciate everyone's input here. I guess i kind of knew it all along that we need to talk with them. Not just about moving in together for the summer, but treating us like children in general. I understand his mom's point where she says we have alot going for our lives and she doesnt want us to mess it up now. But we are sexually active and we will do it despite what his and my parents say. it's not their buisiness and i am mature enough to use protection, i am on birth control.

i guess im just in denial about needing to have that talk with them. Im not asking they let us be like a married couple but just things like, its okay to let us stay alone somewhere or its okay for him to stay at my place without his mom calling every hour. unfortunatly...i'm coming to find out parents will never stop treating you like their child, but as far as treatting me like A child, i dont want. 

Original Post by goldenathlete:

Im not asking they let us be like a married couple but just things like, its okay to let us stay alone somewhere or its okay for him to stay at my place without his mom calling every hour. 

 Wow! She calls your place when her adult son is over? And I missed this part of your origial post:

"...and we arent even allowed to be in the same room alone at 21!"

I can kind of understand this one to an extent. Growing up, I wasn't allowed to have friends over if my parents were gone. I also wasn't allowed to go to a friend's house if their parents were gone. However, you are adults now and it seems to me that his parents may have some issues.

His parents may not approve of the living situation but they need to realize that he is all grown up now and the choice is not theirs to make. I'm sure they just want what's best for their baby but they're a little too involved.

It sounds like you may just have to do it and prove to them that the two of you can be responsible adults.

Well, maybe I'm not like most parents or maybe it's because I have two young children still at home, but I just WISH my 22 yr old would move in with someone. Kripes I'm tired of mothering him and just wish the boy would grow up already!!! He doesn't quite grasp the idea of being a man just yet.

haha it will  happen r4eboxer! give it time. he's still young...our relationship is a little more mature than some of our other friends. I'm more mature for my age,  he isnt so much but is getting to be. I'm rubbing off on him :-) he just needs to find a great girl.

YEs! Its ridiculous i completley understand why were werent allowed to be in the same room alone when we were in high school! At the time i thought it was lame but what high schooler would'nt?? It's just ridiculous that we are adults now. We are both kind of sucking it up and respecting them untill we graduate...he says if it continues after we graduate we just wont visit. Sounds fair to me!!

and YES! lol, she calls him and checks up on us when we are at MY apartment!!!! she doesnt call saying she is checking up on us but she will call to "see how he is doing" or "did you get to my apartment safe" or "What are you doing tomorrow?" or "what time will you be leaving in the morning?" (thats my favorite- she asks what time he will be leaving my place in the morning ASSUMING he is leaving in the morning!)

you r old enough the drink, vote, drive a car enroll in college, pay your bills etc.  but you cant stay in a room with your future husband on your own?  I say take the bull by the horns confront your future mother in law b/c she will just interfere forever if you let her.

Frankly, I think it should be left up to your boyfriend to speak to his parents and you should speak to yours. You should both be present but each of you should solely address your own parents.

I have older children and think I do pretty good at not interfering in their lives.  My job now is to be available to help them when needed, not to tell them what to do on a daily basis.  It worries me that your boyfriend even picks up the phone when he knows it's his mother calling him when he is at your apartment.  His mother, IMO, is out of line and is definitely trying to keep tabs on what he's up to.  Why?  Is it because he needs to have someone check up on him or because she does not know her place?

When each of you speak with your parents, remember you are NOT asking permission but are simply advising them as to what the living arrangements are going to be for the Summer and provide them with the new address and phone number.  And don't get pregnant over the Summer or I fear that your boyfriend will be mommy-caudled his whole life.

I'm just kind of sick of being treated like we are still in high school.

Is it something i am doing?!? is being ALONE together really that unreasonable to ask at 21??