Parents of teenagers, poll for you: Beat my son or cut him some slack

My son goes to a high school like most others: good kids and some real bad apples. He decided to leave his backpack shoved under a bench during weights after swimming and got his suit stolen that I just bought YESTERDAY and a $100 calculator.

His thoughts: it's sad we live in a world where we can't trust our fellow man enough to not lock everything up. this was his excuse. My first inclination is to beat him (it's ok. He's 6'2", 175lbs. I'm 5'7". He won't feel a thing), but then I'm wondering if he's beating himself up for both of us. He already lost a bike this way because he trusted his fellow man enough to leave it outside instead of putting it in the garage. This is so ridiculous.

Either way, I'm out around $150 and I'm so POed that I might just implode with anger.

I say make him help pay for stuff and beat the people who really think you're going to beat him. I guess they responded before realizing he is bigger, younger, faster, and the one who is gonna choose your nursing home someday.

It is a shame that we can't trust our 'fellow man' to respect our property rights.

But how many lessons does he need before he learns that other people will not necessarily pass up the opportunity to steal when such items are not under lock and key?  Poor parenting, no parenting, sheer evil selfishness, pathological kleptomaniacs - who knows the reason?  The reason doesn't matter since your son doesn't have any control over other peoples' choices to begin with.  And he has an obligation to you to respect your time and effort, which is what pays for his belongings.

How much of this is because he wants to trust people versus he's just being lazy and not securing his belongings and how much of it is that the situation didn't lend itself to securing his belongings?

I mean, is the reason he didn't put the suit and calculator in his locker because he wanted to talk to friends?

Not a good reason, dude.

I would try to determine the idealism vs. laziness vs. desire to socialize vs. unfriendly environment (like if the school doesn't give him time to get to his locker and back) and if he is responsible, then he needs to pay for these items - out of his allowance if he gets one, or with hard labor if he doesn't.

I didn't read the other responses, but that's how I would handle it in my house.

What job does he hate the absolute most around the house (assuming he doesn't have a job)? That's what he gets to do. :)

 

Actually, I'd vote for what chore(s) do you hate doing most and make him do that.  For as many hours as you figure would be about right as his share of the replacement calculator.  These would be chores above and beyond whatever his usual ones are.  Just off the top of my head:  shower scrubbing, toilet swapping, floor mopping, car washing.  For God's sake, don't let him dust if you have anything breakable.

 

Original Post by kathygator:

What job does he hate the absolute most around the house (assuming he doesn't have a job)? That's what he gets to do. :)

 

 Oh yeah, we're already going down that path. He's thinking about getting a job (he just turned 16) and just dealing with it himself, which I'm all for as well.

Yeah. That's really the best lesson. He breaks it (or loses it) - he bought it.

 Unfortunately, my kid worked two or three jobs at once one summer, thus affording him the ability to be excessively stupid. :)

 

At least your son didn't leave his backpack with calculator laying around school hallways only to get it blown up by the oh-so-intelligent police of my lovely town. True story, it happened to a fellow student at my school.

While I agree that it's sad that people would steal, people need to learn to take responsibility for their things. I think making him work off the money and/or get a job to pay for things he wants is a great idea.

Sounds like he needs to get a part-time job and start buying his own stuff; that'll make him more interested in the value of money. :)

Not a parent, but I don't see why you should beat him. He got stolen from, he's not the one doing the stealing. Why beat the victim?

And for the record I'm not one of those anti-spanking people or anything, I just don't see the reason for that type of a punishment here. Kids need boundaries, yes, but he didn't defy any boundaries. He got done to cuz of his own gullibility.

I had the same habit in highschool. Not locking my locker, leaving my purse on the lunch table, leaving the car unlocked. Each act of "trusting" resulted in me getting robbed! In my case, it was 80% laziness, 20% trusting.

This is just a good lesson for your son to learn to respect and appreciate what he has. Its just like with a little toddler. "If you don't take care of your stuff, I'm going to take it away." Well, in this case its some goof who thinks he needs a used swimsuit.

 It wasn't his money, so he isn't as torn up about it. I guarentee you, if it was 150 bucks that he was out he would be livid! If it was my son, i'd tell him that he's just going to have to make- do with what he's got until he can earn the money to replace the things that were stolen. True, someone stole your son's stuff and he shouldn't be punished for that. But he didn't act responsibly and proactively, so he should be required to buy the things he "needs" from now on. ( Or do chores for them if he is too young to work)

Sure are a lot of people who don't read previous posts. SHE IS NOT LITERALLY GOING TO BEAT HIM.

I agree that he should pay to replace those things himself if he has a job, or lose his allowance for awhile if he doesn't. He didn't exactly "do" anything bad, but needs a wake up call to be more responsible.

I've got three teenagers, they have lost more things than I can count. I've made them either replace them, or go without. It seems to have done me some good because my now 13 and 8 year old have learned from their brothers mistakes and are very responsible with their belongings. Have you filed a police report or contacted the school about the theft? Someone in an earlier post suggested maybe it wasn't stolen but lost. Filing a report will at least get the truth if not getting your stuff back. If it was stolen you may even end up getting it back if another teacher spies it. This has happened before as well. I wouldn't buy the "trust other human beings" it's a ploy to get you second guessing yourself and getting him off the hook.

Original Post by moonikins:

My son is now 21, but he did something similar when he was about 13 or 14. He knew money was tight and he felt awful. He was also extremely hurt that the people he thought he knew would steal his belongings. He lost a watch which was very sentimental to him because his grandfather had given it to him.

I made him work half of the cost off with extra chores. I also gave him the "a lock keeps an honest man honest talk".

I'm sorry for your monetary loss and even sorrier for your son's loss of faith.

 I think this is a great way to deal with it, just make him pay for half.  Lesson learned. 

Original Post by coffincritter:

Not a parent, but I don't see why you should beat him. He got stolen from, he's not the one doing the stealing. Why beat the victim?

And for the record I'm not one of those anti-spanking people or anything, I just don't see the reason for that type of a punishment here. Kids need boundaries, yes, but he didn't defy any boundaries. He got done to cuz of his own gullibility.

 I think you should ALWAYS beat the victim. Especially if it is YOUR kid...they are your property you know. You brought them INTO the world, and you should have the right to take them out.

(*clears throat*)

I can tell spiro...whom many of us know and most of us love...would never actually beat her kid. She was expressing her exasperation with her child. For those of us with children...we can relate.

Although, it IS fun sometimes to just jump in the middle and judge.

It's not admirable that he has faith in humanity. My son is a master manipulator and comes up with amazing crap to tug on my heart strings. He knows dang well he screwed up.

Ha what'd I say! exactly, my son is six for crying out loud... and already knows the tricks. He comes up with some good ones, I'll give him that much. He's good but he ain't that good.

and... BWAHAHAHA at ANYONE who actually thought spiro was seriously on here ready to abuse her kid.... actually hmm i don't know what the crap some of you guys thought. ... was she was ready to snap and beat him with some wire hangers and put cigars out in his eyes? jeeeeze

^That's what I thought she was going to do.

Original Post by michellerc:

and... BWAHAHAHA at ANYONE who actually thought spiro was seriously on here ready to abuse her kid.... actually hmm i don't know what the crap some of you guys thought. ... was she was ready to snap and beat him with some wire hangers and put cigars out in his eyes? jeeeeze

That's exactly what I did. That'll learn em

Original Post

and... BWAHAHAHA at ANYONE who actually thought spiro was seriously on here ready to abuse her kid.... actually hmm i don't know what the crap some of you guys thought. ... was she was ready to snap and beat him with some wire hangers and put cigars out in his eyes? jeeeeze

(shrug)No, just that she was going to spank him or slap his wrists or something. I didn't make the jump from what she said to wire hangers and cigar burns, but then again, I do believe there's a difference between corporal punishment and all out abuse. I also don't think if she were seriously injuring her child with hangers or cigars that she'd talk about it publicly, so I thought it was more benign.

I don't know spirochete well enough to know if she was joking or not. I can't hear a joking or sarcastic tone of voice over the internet, and I know there are parents who discipline their children that way, so why wouldn't I believe it?

Original Post by spirochete:

Original Post by michellerc:

and... BWAHAHAHA at ANYONE who actually thought spiro was seriously on here ready to abuse her kid.... actually hmm i don't know what the crap some of you guys thought. ... was she was ready to snap and beat him with some wire hangers and put cigars out in his eyes? jeeeeze

That's exactly what I did. That'll learn em

 Ha! Spiro! Is that you in the avatar? I thought it was a bad-assed Ellen Barkin until I clicked the exploded view.

I never in a billion years would have pictured you as a blonde! :D

Original Post

Although, it IS fun sometimes to just jump in the middle and judge.

I wasn't judging her for it, like I said in the post I'm not against corporal punishment. I just personally don't feel this would warrant it, but I wasn't all "you're a bad parent!" or anything. And no, I didn't realize she was kidding. Must be some sort of parental humor that I'll never understand.