When your partner is so not into eating healthy

Hi, I'm just wondering if anyone has a partner that is just not on the healthy eating/portion control. I am in a GREAT relationship with my boyfriend, but he is overweight and is clueless about healthy eating and definitely portion control.

Let me first state that he is amazing in so many ways. But he loves, and i mean LOVES to go out to eat. Yesterday we walked to a local pub and he ordered spinach-artichoke dip as an appetizer. I had water and one glass of red wine (he had a couple drinks). He literally inhaled the dip (I had five bites). A couple problems I'm having:

1) It's hard to go out with him and not eat something off the menu. I know the smartest thing to do would be to just sit there and sip on ice water, but it just drives me crazy to do that. I was pretty proud of myself for just having a few bites, but it really bothered me to see him eat all the dip and chips himself! Often, we'll go to the bar for an after-work, or early evening drink before dinner. And again, it's so hard to sit there and drink water.

2) He needs to lose weight. He really does--a lot more than I need to lose. To his credit, he runs on the treadmill four times a week. But hte amount of food he eats pretty much offsets that. I wish he would work out more and eat less, and I know he bristles at my suggestions. He does not eat many fruits/vegetables and for some reason this is really bothering me! I want us to have the same values health-wise, and it's just not there.

This would be so much easier if we were on the same page.

Anyhow, does anyone have a partner that is not really on board? What strategies do you use to stay on track? My boyfriend is so sweet--he's always telling me how beautiful I am and he would never sabotage my weight loss efforts on purpose. We have a agreat relationship in other aspects. But he is much more overweight than I am and is not interested in making lifestyle changes (part of the problem is that he thinks he eats healthy and because he exercises 3-4 times a week, thinks he's fine there, too.) Thoughts?

Weight-loss is very much a personal project.  You have to want to do it more than you want anything else, really.  You have to ignore the work colleagues pushing cakes on you, friends insisting you have dessert at the restaurant and partners ordering chips in the pub... you have to ignore everyone else's bad eating habits and have strength of character enough to do your own thing regardless.

Having said that.... it helps to have support.  He may not realise how his poor eating habits affect your ability to stay on track so that's something to talk about.  In my family, the agreement is that we all eat healthily at home, we cook rather than get takeaways, we don't fill the cupboards with junk...  but when anyone's out and about they can eat what they like.  (We don't eat out a lot or go drinking because we prefer to spend the money on other things)  

If he doesn't want to lose weight, eat vegetables or shape up etc., you can't force him to.    Relationship-wise, if his being overweight and out of shape is starting to annoy you (or you're finding him less physically attractive - ouch) and if he doesn't seem to care about his health then you have to decide if it's an charming little character flaw you're prepared to put up or whether it's something that 20 years down the track is going to develop into a major problem. 

"The family that eats together stays together"

Have you told him that you totally love him and he's totally great but you were looking on line at BMI charts and stuff and are worried that even though he's exercising, his diet is really bad and can lead to hypertention, type 2 diabetes, heart disease, some cancers, and that quite frankly eating an entire appetiser that's designed for like 4 people makes you upset?  Have you told him Holy cow I just looked on my website and that dip you had yesterday had XXXX calories an XX grams of fat!  Have you told him how much it means to you that you have a long, healthy life and that he does too, and that its not about how beautiful you are but that you're NOT healthy and neither is he?  Have you asked him Hey hon, would you do me a favor and log in your calories for the next three days?  I'm just curious to see how many calories we're eating...we can log in your jogging too, but lets see how much we're actually eating? 

Or could you say Hey, I know you want to go out tonight but I really need to stay and eat in because of my new way of eating.  I need to be healthy and cook for myself, so when you're done eating out maybe you can meet me at home.  Also, he may not know how many calories are in alcohol and how that can lead to weight problems too.  You could say ug, i SO want a drink but that beer is 150 calories and I just can't do that to myself!

My hubby eats what I make.  I cook healthy so he eats healthy.  If I didn't cook, he would eat crap, but he's a skinny little sucker and always has been lol.  TELL him these things, tell him yuo need and want his help tell him it's hard for you and your worried and you know he dosen't care but you do and maybe could he try this for the both of you?  Do you have family members you can use as examples or does he, that have gotten sick from eating unhealthy?  Have diabetes or high cholesteral or blood pressure? 

Good luck, good for you to stick to a healthy way of life even if he dosen't.

I was a fat clueless kid myself but at a certain age, it would seem that you would catch on and look for answers. However, if he's not complaining about it, he's probably just happier where he's at. Perhaps he runs for other reasons or to maintain his weight where it's at right now.

I guess you could suggest doing different things but try not to be too pushy about it. You could suggest other activities and since he likes to run, he might be up for other things, perhaps a little ice skating, one on one basketball, throwing the football around or running outside. You guys could do this together. It'll keep him out of the pub and kick up his activity level.

If he mentions something about his extra weight, then you could offer up some suggestions for improvement together. I wouldn't be really drastic about it yet. Maybe shoot for more fruits and veggies. If you guys live together or you're the cook, this could be really easy.

Easier said then done, right? good luck.

thanks for the replies! It all is easier said than done...Addressing someone else about their weight is verrrrry touchy. For now I'm just trying to stick to my own thing and (really) hope it works and maybe he will be motivated by the change he sees in me.

He grew up in NYC, so he's not a very outdoorsy type--I am. So he has taken up hiking, skiing and walking with me, which I think is so great. And we have plans to go snowshoeing soon, if the snow keeps falling out east (in the U.S.).

I am trying to figure out if his eating habits are a character flaw I can live with--he's so kind in so many ways. (Today he scraped all the snow/ice off my car without teling me, so when I went out, it was all done. Sweet, right?)

I might try and be more vocal about CC and tell hiim about what I am learning (for myself). I certainly don't want to make him feel insecure. If he wants to lose weight, he will, but I doubt he wants me to tell him to. Thanks everyone for the comments...

why don;t you just say YOU'RE on a diet- which is the truth right so you're not lying. then you can buy all the healthy stuff at home and chuck out the sweets and he'll just have to eat it. also when you go out to the pub, for a drink and not food- just say- oh please don't get that i can't resist it and i'll ruin my diet- or can we get something healthier so that i can share it too? my boyfriend doesn't need to lose at all but if i asked him to get something healthier so i could have some he'd be fine with it. just make it about you- don't winge too much otherwise he'll get annoyed- and he'll have n chosice but to go along- sure when he's not with you he'l still eat the junk but thats not 100% of the time so he'll surely benefit. you could even go as far as asking him to give up something with you - again to help you of course nothing to do with him. say beer for example? depending on how much he drinks just cutting out that alone whould surely give results. or chocolate or his normal fry up or anything- just for a couple of weeks to start perhaps- when he sees how much weigh he looses his male ego will surely spur him on!!

he does seem lovely so if you tell him how seriuos you are about your diet i'm sure he'll be more than happy to help.

Some great ideas above, but I think my husband would react best to the health aspect. "Gee, honey, I am going to go hiking with my friends" and when he can't keep up (or he would push hard to keep up) he would get the message. Or, "I love you and want to grow old together. Have a family, etc. WE need to eat healthy and stay healthy" and other conversations like that. Then if he still doesn't get it, ask him about buying life insurance for when he keels over from a heart attack! (because, truthfullly, he IS killing himself!)

I suggest appealing to his vanity.

If you're working heavy on the diet and exercise, and he's not keeping up, then it should be possible for you to kick his butt in some simple things... run up the stairs and wait impatiently for him to haul his bulk up. Walk a bit faster than he's comfortable with so he's winded keeping up with you. Things like that.

He'll complain. He'll be annoyed. Partially at you, yes, but also at himself that his wife is drinking his proverbial milkshake. You might notice a little more interest in exercising.

hatamoto!  that's some pretty awesome ideas!  :D  my hubby is like that.  he doesn't exercise & hates when i do.  he doesn't eat right & he eats way too much, etc.

whatever, i'm cool with that.  i lost 86 pounds because he was worried about HIS weight.  i'll keep it.  LOL  i'll keep my loss & eventually, maybe he'll want to lose, too.

i do that!  hehe  i'll always take the stairs & he'll take the elevator.  i always beat him.  i used to always walk behind him & now i'm always ahead.

he's diabetic with high bp, too.  oh, & high cholesterol, already had a heart attack & stuff.  i can't make him do anything, though.  all i can do is remind him of WHY i lost in the first place.  you're right!  he does get annoyed & he does always say he's 'gonna start tomorrow'.  at least that's a start, i guess...

My partner doesn't eat the healthiest but he is in NO way fat. I have to laugh though because since he's gotten with me he now checks calories and serving sizes. :P

To be honest, I would never criticize his weight, partly because it IS a sensitive subject. I wouldn't care if he was 300 pounds as long as he was still healthy and moving and was happy..his happiness is what means the most to me. Who wants to be with a bitter person? However, if his health was bad then I would be in hopes that he would change not only for himself, but for our future. A person's actions is what shows a lot about their character.

My guy has told me I was beautiful from day one and he has seen me at many weights through our relationship, but it has NEVER stopped him from telling me I'm beautiful at least once (if not more) a day. He actually told me he perferred me at a curvier weight and complains a little that I'm losing the weight, but he does support me and lets me eat what I chose to and to do my own thing.

I am so determined in my weight loss that if we go out to eat it's nothing for me to order something healthier on the menu...what he orders and puts into his mouth is up to him and as long as he isn't criticizing what I'm ordering I won't criticize him. Once you have your mind set on your goals it really doesn't bother you much to avoid the other kinds of foods. I'm sure you're going to go to many parties and I'm sure just because everyone is eating this and that doesn't mean you can't go to the veggie platter or whatever and just have a small piece of cake.

You're going to run into pressure all through life you just have to learn stratigies which you will on how to avoid it. Just be up front and honest - "I'm dieting." If people don't like it then walk away it's as simple as that. Dealing with a partner who doesn't have the same goals as you is very common, but if you love them and have your own set goals you'll learn how to deal with them.

You have to ask yourself if you really love the person no matter their physical appearance. Truth is, if a person doesn't want to diet then they aren't going to. In situations like these you kind of have to put yourself in the other person's shoes how would you feel if your partner came up to you and told you to get more active and stop eating as much? Especially when you found nothing wrong with yourself and were content.

The most you can do if really worried about his health is just that say that you love him and just worry about his health so you guys can have a happy future together. As far as weight goes you have to leave that up to his doctor. Maybe if coming from the doctor (if there really is a problem) it will move him forward towards the healthier direction.

Good luck. :)

Erin,

Thought I'd give you a little guidance coming from the other side. First off, your heart is in the right place, and this is an issue that you should definitely not avoid because of tender feelings.

Four years ago, I met my now-fiance. I knew I was overweight, but it wasn't that important to me -- I wanted the food I liked more than I wanted to fit into my jeans from (before) high school. My BF, however, was handsome, trim and healthy. His active lifestyle was important to him, while I liked indoor activities. He wasn't afraid to share that fact, and it almost ended our relationship: I was angry, hurt and resented him basically telling me to lose weight.

However, it got me up off my ass, and I'm now 40 lbs. lighter and in better shape than I've ever been. I wondered before why he was in to me (except for the fact that I went to a college with a very small female population) when he was so good-looking and I was pretty but overly plump. I haven't had those thoughts since becoming healthy became a priority for me. (Now we've almost flip-flopped; he's still active but doesn't eat healthy and I try to make him eat his vegetables when I can!)

All said, if it's important to you and you're genuinely worried about his health, bring it up, kindly but straightforwardly. Broken feelings mend with care, but we're in our bodies for life. Good luck.

hi there,

first of all well done for deciding to make a change and live a more healthy life!

You dont say how long you have been seeing your partner but I'm guessing that its been longer than you have been dieting for, so are you expecting him to make the changes you want to make as well? If you always used to go out and get drinks and snacks, then it is your behaviour that has changed and not his, so in a sense why should he change to fit in with you, it seems a little presumptious to think that he will want to make the same changes at the same time as you, and from the way it sounds (to me) one of the reasons you want him to change is because it will make it easier for you. You say he would never sabotage your weight loss efforts, in effect change your patterns of chosen behaviour, but you seem to think its ok to want to change his, just because you have changed yours! Being a man myself I would probably consider what you are doing fairly controlling. Would you change your belief systems if he changed his and wanted you to change with him?

But dont get me wrong, I am not condoning an unhealthy lifestyle, just questioning whether you are doing it for him or doing it so that it helps you? Have you always said to him that he needs to work out more and eat less or only since you decided to do something about it? If its the latter then its quite understandable that he feels as though you are just trying to change him the way you are changing yourself and he's yet to buy into that idea.

From my point of view I think maybe a better way to try and help him change his ways is to get him to buy into the premise that you are both too overweight and that you should both lose some weight rather than saying "I am doing something about my weight, so should you". He is a man after all so even better if you could get him to think that it was his idea! That way you wont come up against him merely taking the opposite stance to you just because he doesnt want to go along with your decisions.

What about challenging him to some sort of fitness competition? who can walk/run the quickest on a certain date in the future? Winner gets to pick a weekend break. It might encourage him to make the change himself rather than it feel like you "making" him change (even though it sounds like he needs to do it).

anyway just some rambling thoughts - good luck and I hope you decide to stick with him cos he sounds like a nice guy.

I am definitely in the same boat as you!  I have just told my boyfriend that I will make dinner and it will be healthy, and if he wants something else (extra butter in the mashed potatoes, cheese on the brocolli, etc.) he can add it himself.  When he makes dinner, I just eat a smaller portion.  I told him right off the bat that I was changing the way I eat and I would be making healthier meals.  If he doesn't like it, he can make his own, separate, dinner!

I actually was in the same boat as well......My b/f wasn't doing anything to be healthy even though I was working out all the time....he always wanted to go to the bar and order food and have our drinks, which we did at least 2 or 3 times a week. And he's a snacker at night so guess who was snacking w him?

Eventually, I got into a body transformation challenge and I said that's it: I told him flat out that I really wanted to do this right and I really needed HIS help and HIS support to keep me going (cuz what would us women do w/o our men *hehe*) and that anything he could do would help.

Eventually I convinced him to let me make more meals at home; he can have beer tehre, too! So I started making super healthy meals at home....then I started mentioning how great I felt from working out and eating right and how stoked I am about it....and eventually I convinced him to get a gym membership!!!!

Now he relies on me for food for lunches and dinner (yea more work for me, but it's worth it) and we eat out on OCCASIONS and not just cuz it's a Mon or Tues...and he's also going to the gym with me most days!

I never told him I wanted him to be healthier....I just sort of lead by example and dragged him along with me! LOL It might have just been because he was worried how hot I'd get and didn't want to be left behind, but in any case, we are BOTH better off for it.

Good luck, I hope you guys find a good balance! He does sound like a good guy!

Thanks for the replies. To respond to sungamb, I don't think I am controlling--I certainly don't tell him what to eat or how to exercise. We are somewhat of an awkward match--I am a lifelong athlete and he is not. He is so sweet--he has picked up hiking and skiing, which I love and now runs on the treadmill with the hope of one day being able to run with me. I've always been bothered by his weight--but overlooked it for a long while. It seems like it is adding up, however, espeically since in the year we've been dating, I gained 15 pounds. I am convinced it is due to all the restaurant food we eat. So yes, I am changing, and Im not asking him to change, but I do want someone to share my values of a healthy lifestyle. Don't get me wrong--I love a good beer and love my food treats, as well. Im not going to become a celery eating twig. I just wish he cared a little about his physique. And maybe that was what my post was about--can I be with someone who does not?

My live-in boyfriend is exactly like that. He thinks that it dosnet taste good if its not dripping with butter or deep fried. It makes it very difficult for me to eat healthy. I know it shoud be my own priority to be healthy but with all that temptation and serious lack of support to eat well can be a burdon. I love him and he is soo awsome but he needs to loose weight too. 

What I did to "break" him from this (sort of some of the time lol) I started cooking his favorite dishes but I will use majorine or apple sauce in place of butter and whole wheat flour and splenda as low cal better for you substitutes and I never divulge in my secret. He just gobbles it up and tells me how good it is and has no idea that it is sooo much better for him :) great topic!

My BF and I live together and if anything, he needs to put on muscle.  He is one of those guys that is 6'4" and 165 pounds and has held this weight since high school.  He eats quite a bit, but just has a high metabolism.  He is slim and is self-consious about his chest (lack of one).  I always offer up my 8 pound weights as a starting point for him, but to my knowlege, he hasn't really used them.  I'll leave that for him to decide.

Anyhow-- he does believe in eating healthy.  It irks me a bit b/c he will go for my more expensive non-fat cheese when I have to remind him to use his own stuff b/c he does NOT have an ounce weight to lose.  Stay out of MY diet food LOL.

What a great topic.

i've been with my husband since 2005 and we both have weight problems.  Difference is, I have been working dilligently and cinsistently (albeit slowly) for 6 years to get healthy.  I am now healthy, just still over weight!  Working on that.

He is very OCD so it's ALL or NOTHING.  He is either so gung ho perfect with food adn exercise, or he is a complete mess.  He's been a complete mess now for a while nad I worry terribly as he has type 2 diabetes and isn't doing anything to help himself right now.  He is as much an emotional eater as I am, maybe even more than I am!

So what have I had to do?

I talk daily about nutrition and exercise.  becuase its SUCH a big part of ME and he's known that since Day One.  I am not saying its easy - in fact it's really really hard when you and your partner are not on the same page with nutritiona and exercise.  REALLY hard.  But he is really proud of me and that helps.

My biggest piece of advice is to stick up for youself.  Here are some ways I do that for myself:

It's Ok to say no when he wants to go out to eat, or to say OK but that you need to choose the location so you can make sure there is something safe for you

Have established rules on food in the house - we entertain a LOT (once or twice a week) and if we have unhealthy food we are serving, we send it ALL home with guests or else tell them we'll throw it awway.  And if no one takes the food, we throw it away!

EFIT ADDED THIS     Some foods are completely BANNED from my sight - so he can have it in the house but it has to be without my knowledge - PEANUTS are the prime example as I have no self control wit hthem.  So he hides them somewhere and only eats them when I am not at home.

When cooking or baking at home, figure out ways to "healthify" his favorites.  I know make chili with either ground turkey or bison, make pumpkin spice muffins with a can of pumpkin instead  of the oil and eggs the box calls for, switched him to light salad dressing, broil/grill frequently .....

Make sure he knows how important it is to YOU that YOU keep on your program, make sure he knows how hard it is to go out and eat/drink so frequently

Ask for help when you need it - when i am having a difficult day, I print out my food log when I get home from work, having already pre-logged dinner nad snack in evening - and its his job to make sure I pay attention nad don't eat what's not on there

You cannot change him, but you can do things to help yourself nad maybe some day they will influence him to make positive changes too!

It's not easy ..... but it can be done even if your partner isn't on board!

Good luck to ALL of us in this situation!

I struggle with a similar situation...my husband is an incredibly unhealthy eater (right now he is chowing down on a frozen Hungry Man dinner, sure to be followed by a large chocolate milkshake!) but he is stick thin. He never exercizes either, grrr. I am not saying he is healthy, but he is damn skinny!

 He is very supportive of my efforts, but it's been hard.  Sometimes I get very jealous of everything he can eat without it showing.  We used to eat out and order in a lot before I started thinking about my weight, so there's been a change in lifestyle as well. 

The only thing I can think of is when it's your turn to cook the meals, make very healthy choices and he will benefit from that too.  Good luck!

I do cook a lot, but (and I'm sure some working moms will laugh at this) I simply don't have the energy to cook every night. So for example, two nights ago I made this yummy mexican pork/sweet potato stew. 278 cals per serving!! Anyhow, I made the whole recipe so (after he ate about 2.5 servings) there were still leftovers. I asked yesterday that we have leftovers for dinner. Fine, he says. Great! I get home from work late and he's watching TV waiting for me and asks that we go out. We have leftovers, says I! He says he just wants to get out--I say, let's go to the bookstore. No, he had the stew I made the day before for lunch and doesn't want to make himself a sandwich for dinner. What about frozen dinners? No he hates that. (He loves loves loves good food and just turns his nose up at anything like a lean cuisine. Plus he'd have to eat about 4 of them to feel full.) Finally I relent and we go out for Italian. He orders spaghetti carbonara, which I have never heard of, but is his favorite. Let me tell you what this is: spaghetti in an egg/cream sauce with some sort of meat on it. It couldn't GET any more unhealthy. He is extra hungry since I came home late (again, I have healthy snacks but he would never eat them) so he orders an app: a small foccaccia pizza with cheese and proscuitto. When the dinner came he INHALED his spaghetti--a real turn-off to watch. He ate every last bite before I had even gotten through a small portion iof mine. As for me, I made a new rule for myself that when we do go out, I am not to touch the bread basket. Yesterday I had some :(  For dinner I ate grilled squid--yummy and I ionlyl ate about a third of what they put on the plate. But I also had a slice of the appetizer. :(  :(   Of course he had to get dessert even though I said no. And I just don't have the willpower to sit there and say no while he eats it in front of me. So i ate some of that, too. I ended the day aroudn 2000 cals--still a deficit for me (but maybe not--I logged all the cals the best I could, but with restaurant food, who knows how much oil/butter/other cals are hiding in there??)

So...this whole evening puts me in a really stinky mood! When I go out to eat, I want to enjoy it, not resent it. We had planned that Saturday would be our go-out to eat night. If I know that, I can plan accordingly, eat lighter on Friday, exercise heavey on SAturday and feel that I can enjoy the cals without going over my weekly "budget," so to speak. We get home and I am cranky and he doesn't appreciate that since he just took me out to this grand restaurant and bought me this delicious meal.

sigh.

Unfortunately, I've just found I have to suck it up.  My OH thinks that eating 4 cups of veggies and a lean protein is what  made me fat... he doesn't understand that 4c of veggies, steamed, with no butter, is better than the 1c of mashed potatoes he has on his plate, slathered with butter and cheese.  He sees portion size, not relative calories.  I suck it up.  I eat my dinner and ignore his snarky comments, because i'm seeing results, and I know he is too.  He eats what I make, and if he doesn't like it, he can get himself a frozen pizza out of the freezer (which I can't stand the taste of).  It's all been a matter of will power for me, and empowering to know at the end of the day that I resisted the garbage he inhaled, and ate well, worked out, and feel 100000000% better as a result.