I think my partner is trying to get me fatter or sabotage my changed lifestyle!

Hi Everyone:::

Well, since i have been working with CC for the past 8 weeks, i have lost only 2.8KGS (6.17 pounds), which i dont find alot, but since my boyfriend has known about this changed lifestyle of changed eating habits, i have to make 2 different dinners per night as he wont eat what i cook. He loves junk food. If he could eat junk food everynight, he would. I refuse to buy it, or eat it everynight. He tries to buy it for himself and makes me feel bad for cooking healthy foods. He uses alot of reverse psychology on me when it comes to food and exercise. He tells me that i need to exercise more, to lose more weight, but wont let me buy a cross trainer, but says i need to do more for myself, but i am a stay at home mum, and when he comes home from work, he sits in front of the Tv until his dinner is on his lap and then he goes to bed, and i am trying to get dinner organised, then bathing and feeding our son and then it's his bathtime and then bed time and then i am stuck trying to clean up for the rest of the night, while my partner goes to bed and says that i do nothing. 
I feel that i have no support from him and this is my only support. CC
My partner always asks what we are having for dinner and i say, junkfood as a joke (as i dont eat it) and he says, hell yeah, but then i tell him, pasta and vegies or meat and vegies and he says NO way. So i have decided from this week, i am not cooking for him any longer as he cant or wont help me.....

I feel that he is very hipa-critical......

My partner has magazines of beautiful models and skinny girls and says, how come i cant look like them?  That really hurts when he says that,  but, i was slim when we met. I went to the gym 3 times a week, worked a fulltime job, did night shifts and loved it. Now that i am a home mum, i dont have that luxury, and all i need is that support of a partner to think i am beautiful either way. And baby weight is alot harder to get rid of than anything else. All that loose skin that has been stretched from carrying a baby and he cant see the problem of stretch marks and loose skin of carrying a baby. He says, what do i need to complain about? He says, carrying a baby wouldnt be hard.......stuff him.
My complaint is ::: He wont let me exercise, but says that i should, as he says that i need to lose weight, but he wants me to eat junk food like him, but says that i have nothing to complain about, but when was the last time he gave me a compliment ???

Does anyone else have this problem, or is it just me complaining or looking to much into it.....???

I think my partner is being selfish!

Without a doubt, your partner is being selfish. It's wrong and insensitive of him to say those things to you, but you can't just let him do those things and not say anything.

You don't need a cross trainer to exercise. Go outside for a walk; you can even bring your son with you. Ask your partner to do more work around the house. Let him prepare his own meals if he doesn't want to eat what you're having. And remember, you shouldn't be losing weight to placate him; you should do it for yourself.

Honestly, he sounds like a spoiled five year old.

Hee hee are we married to the same man  my hubby used to do some of those same things.  We needed a crib for the new baby ....he bought a boat  Drive me nuts...He always told me to take time for myself but I was so busy doing baby stuff of cooking or cleaning I never got the chance...after 11 yrs or marriage  hes finally got that he was being an A** for all those years  I dont think he really knew it intill I started telling him so.

Your boyfriend is a control freak.

For my money, I'd never let a woman pull that crap with me.

Only you can decide what is more important to you. 

Gadzooks :::

Thanks for your reply.

I tell him not to say those things, but he laughs it off. He is very lazy at times and he doesnt help me around the house at all. He also gets very frustrated with our son, and that makes things harder. I totally agree that i could go outside and go for a walk with my son, but the area that we are living in, i dont feel comfortable doing that. Thats my only fear of walking down the street with my son. I usually go out in the car most days and go walking around the shopping centre, but i dont think that is enough to lose any weight, thats why i wanted a cross trainer in my house.

I am wanting to lose the weight for both of us. I am not overally a big girl, but my partner still wont be happy if i am not to his standards. My ex was worse. That was about 4 yrs ago. Then he found someone else as they were skinner than me at that stage. But i feel that my partner that i have now, will go elsewhere and find what he wants as he wont be happy with what he has now.

He is not from a spoilt family, but i have spoilt him alot since we have been living together. I do alot more than my fair share around the house, even the mowing and other masculine jobs too. If i dont do things, he wont do em. I ask and ask and ask and ask him heaps and his answer 'i'll do it later i told you', 'i'll do it when i can be bothered'...and then 2 weeks later, it's still not done and then i crack it. (mowing for example).  I am from a family that has taught me to look after the man, but also to ask if i need the extra help and now that i ask for the help, i still dont get it and that also comes into it, when i am trying to lose the weight and wanting support from him with this too.

let me know your thoughts on this one.

hi sarah ::: (getfitgirl)

Thanks for your reply.

Yeah sounds like we are married to the same man, but we aren't, but nice comment though.

Buying things for our children in a higher priority than ourselves and for your husband to buy a boat instead of a crib for your babies, you can tell where his priorities lye. Not good. My partner does the same. Not a boat though, other things instead.   can't belive it's taken your husband 11 yrs to realise what he was doing, that is sad....how did he realise this?  

Dont worry, i tell my partner all the time, he doesnt think there is anything wrong with what he says or does, as he believes he is the man of the house....bloody wrong on that one....(i reakon anyway)...(we should be equal).

Let me know if you have any other thoughts on this.

 

Hi David::: (dm84)

Thanks for your reply too.

My boyfriend being a control freak, yeah sometimes. Thank god he isnt home allday, or i would go insane,, but he isnt a control freak about cleaning, as he wouldnt give a rats arse if he lived in a dump of a house. (i am always cleaning up after him and myself and our son, but get sick of him), he is a control freak about beauty and clothes and what i should wear and how i should look and i should be like someone skinny and famous in a magazine.

i know what is important to me, and that is my son. He is more important than myself, but if i cant look after myself, i cant look after him, so i have to try and bend both things to make everyone happy. Unfortuneatly, my partner cant stand looking after his son on his own, so i can have my time out on my own, as he gets totally stressed out and angry.

let me know if you have anymore advise.

Us 'good' men always wonder why women stay with 'losers' who do not treat them with respect or are not willing to take on an active part in a relationship.

Stand up for yourself and your son and start kicking some a$$.

bigjoejoe :::

Thanks for your reply too.

 Most women wonder where all the good men have gone.........But we also want a man that can fight for us too, not a soft man. At my age, most the good looking or nice men are already taken and married or gay, so we date who is left over i guess. But i do find my man very attractive, but he is soooo lazy. So yes he can be a loser at times, and yes he doesnt take an active part in our relationship to help me out with things.

I dont like confrontations or arguing, so i try not too do that. I do keep my mouth shut about issues i do have as i dont like to talk about it as it makes things worse off. I just keep doing what i am doing and thats all i can do.

I stand up for my son all the time and let my partner know that he cant be an idiot to our son, as he is just a baby and doesnt understand things yet, but for myself, i keep my mouth shut to keep the peace.

 

hey happy,

 

I highly recomment you to  go to a therapist,  your problem is not your& nbsp;weight, it's your partner  and your selfconfidence.  ;

I so absolutly don't unde rstand why the HELL you&n bsp;stay with such an idi ot, he is lazy, doesn't&n bsp;support you and can't  ;care of his own son  ;- and you really thinmk& nbsp;he loves you when he  wanna change you? I  ;dare doubt that.

 

Best wishes

Kitty 

No problem Happy.

Trust me on this, if there are good women who are single there are good men out there as well.  My mother always told me should would rather be single and lonely than ever have to settle again.

Remember, standing up to others is never an easy thing to do, just remember to look out for yourself and your son first.

I agree with kitty, look into seeing a therapist if you can.

I didnt used to like confrontations or arguing either intill enough people started noticing how badly he was acting to me and started saying something to me to stand up for myself.  It helped a lot and Im glad I speak my mind now wether he likes it or not  I dont name call I just got my backbone back after a long time.

My hubby always pulled that (womens place) (mans place ) thing...his days off were used to do what he wanted..   HE got a job where he travels a lot and sees us very little and heard lots of talk shows on the radio LOL.  You know that saying  That you dont know what you have till its gone.... thats kind of what happened with him so now he offers to do lots of things around the house or with the kids.

Cook one meal and serve it at the table, and tell him that if he doesn't like it, he can cook for himself.  What is it with people who expect their partner to cook and then complain about what's served?  And the business about waiting until his supper is in his lap - that is disrespecful in the extreme.  He should eat at the table with the family.  Talk about unappreciative!  Dump the jerk!  He wouldn't last 10 minutes at my house, I can tell you that.

I will echo clairelaine and say that you should not cater to his selfish, childish, and chauvanistic behavior, regardless of how your were raised.  Fix one meal, and one meal only, and don't bring it to him like a maidservant.  Furthermore, you don't need his permission to exercise. 

I must say that it's pretty contradictory on one hand to recognize that you and your son need and deserve more, but on the other say that you just want to "keep the peace".  Really - do you actually have "peace" in your houshold as it stands now?  What do you really want?

And from your posts, about the only thing you've listed as why you stay with this person is that he's attractive.  Is that the only thing that keeps you with this person?  I will also recommend seeing some kind of counselor or therapist - don't compromise on your or your son's health, happiness, and future.

Good luck!

Oh, sweetie, this breaks my heart. I posted a while back about similar problems I was having with my hubby.

I have been taking a stand for myself since then, I know it sounds scary, and it is at first. It was a big change to start saying no and standing up for myself. But it is working! I have stopped asking, started telling and don't worry so much about the outcome. So when it comes to housework, look him in the eye and say, "I need you to do the dishes, thanks!" and just see what happens.

People used to tell me all the time that you can't stay with a man like that. But when you love someone, the blinders can be on pretty bad. You can't force him to change, but you can change your situation!

When he tells you he wishes you looked like the women in the magazine, say "OK, take my picture and then photo shop it to death and I will." Tell him you are proud of your body and his opinion of it doesnt change that.

Truthfully, he sounds like a grade A ****. But so did my husband and in just a few months, I have made major changes in my own life, instead of trying to change him. I don't pander to him anymore and I don't let it get to me when he acts like a baby.

Just remember that you have to power to change your attitude, but you can't change people.

Hi everyone::

Well i took a stand myself last night and it backfired on me. I never yell or name call, i asked for what i wanted and he told me to shut my mouth and keep quiet.

So that was it for me..... I did shut my mouth, was totally depressed after that and went to bed.

When you love someone like i love my man, yes the blinders are on. But i want to make him happy and this is the only way to stay with him. Keep my mouth shut and make him happy. As he says, he is the man of the house and he gets what he wants.

I know i cant change people or my man, but this was not him when i met him 3 yrs ago.  But as 'change of heart' stated, having the power to change my attitude, not the person, i am wondering, where would i start on that one???

Any more advice ???

Thanks to everyone for there advice and opinions, greatly appreciated!

Sweetie, taking a stand almost always backfires the first time! Don't be discouraged!!!

I think it's total crap that he told you to shut up and keep quiet!

I will tell you what I did in the beginning:

• I didn't ask, I directed; "Hun, clean up the mess you made. Hun, the dishes need to be washed. Do them. Hun, take out the trash." Now, your husband sounds like he may need a more gentle approach (uhg!) so try saying, "Sweetie, I am swamped, can you give me a hand with a few things?"
• I didn't bitch, moan or complain. I didn't threaten. I didn't tell him how his behavior made me feel. I just told him he needed to start doing his share. If he can't figure out that if he doesn't start pulling his weight then you might get out then that's on him.

If being direct with him doesn't work, you could try sitting him down for the feelings talk. This should be a last resort. Be prepared, so you know what you want to say. I can't tell you what to say, but I can say that should be honest about how his behavior is affecting you. Don't yell. Don't allow yourself to get angry.

If he still doesn't want to listen to you, I advise you to take a step back and really evaluate your situation. Only you can decide when enough is enough. If you can live with him acting this way forever, that's your choice. I don't think it's right or wrong either way.

I can tell you that I don't think anyone should be treated this way. It indicates some major red flags with me. I am going to send you a PM.

Good luck, Sweetie!

You deserve so much better than this... marriage is meant to be a partnership where you BOTH get what you need and want... right now you don't seem to be getting anything except abuse. Controlling behaviour (like 'not letting' you get your exercise equipment without a reasonable explanation for why you can't afford it, and the way he's acting about your attempts to create healthier meals) and verbally belittling you (and making you think that there's something wrong with YOU and that you have to try and 'fix' yourself to fix the marriage) are all abuses of power. You are his wife, not his doormat. It worries me greatly to see a woman voluntarily putting themselves into that position and taking the blame for everything that's less than perfect about their relationship. Just because you were skinny when you got married, that doesn't make it your official duty to stay that way - you just had a baby for pete's sake! That's a major, major change to your body shape that will last forever.

Everything you say in this thread is sending up huge red flags to me... and it seems to me that you could really use some counselling to help you figure out what YOU want from life and what you need to do to get it...  

ummm "shut your mouth and make me happy"??????  WTF!?

No woman should EVER have to put up with this.  You have to take a stand for yourself.  He's getting away with this behavior because you are letting him.  Let me tell you something, until you are ready to put your foot down and decide that you mean business, no amount of advice we give you is going to help.  You say you let him walk all over you because that's the only way for you to keep him.  Well until you decide that HE is the one that is not worth keeping, things are never going to change.  He has to know that he risks losing YOU if he doesn't change...otherwise, he probably won't ever change.

Bottom line is you either have to stand up for yourself or don't.  If you don't, then you are choosing to live a life like that and nothing we say is going to make any difference.

You say you stay with this guy because it's what's best for your son?

I'll tell you right now that this is probably the worst reason to stay with him. Chances are his attitude and behavior will rub off on your son as he gets older. 

Keep in mind that your son will learn how to treat women from his dad. He will learn that it is OK to act like that, because you accept and tolerate it. He will also start treating you like that, as he grows up. And heaven help your future daughter-in-law.

When you love someone, you want what is best for them and you want them to be happy. So you have to ask yourself: Does your partner love you?

Personally, I can't say I would leave the guy... I can go much farther than that. I would never have gone on a first date with him, I would never have moved in with him, I would never have had his baby. I have never and would never date, fall in love, or breed with someone who is chauvinistic, selfish, and disrespectful. (And if, somehow, my partner morphed into this nightmare, he would be out on his ass by morning.)  But really, this is not a magic transformation. If you look back and really think about it, there almost certainly were signs the whole way along. Then again, I'm not the kind of woman who wants a man to "fight for me" (do you mean physically? I don't like violent behaviour. But should the need arise, I am a strong woman and can fight for myself). So maybe it's just a question of different priorities.