Why do people think that holding their baby will make me want to keep the child I am carrying?

I get sick of it, I really do.  People find out I am pregnant now all of a sudden they are pushing their babies on me!  I have always HATED kids, still do, and them pushing their babies on me is making me only hate kids even more.  I tell them that I dont' plan to keep the child I am carrying, it was an accident that I got pregnant, and I told the father that unless he wants to keep it and raise it (I will pay child support) then we are going to have to adopt it away.  Every keeps saying "congratulations".  What the hell is there to be congradulatory about, my life has sunk into a pit of dispare since finding out I am pregnant, and if I had to raise the baby myself then my life would be a living hell after the baby is born, seems to me people should be saying "I'm sorry" instead.  Ugh, I am so sick of it, get this stupid fetus out of my body, I don't want the damn thing feeding off me anymore!!!  I wish that I would have a miscarrage.  When I hear about people who have miscarrages I think that the appropriate response is "congratulations, that was a narrow miss, you got lucky!" 

When people see or hear that a person is pregnant, the first pre-conditioned response is "congratulations" because most people look at bringing a child into the world as a good thing (their experience is probably a lot different than yours, I would expect).  I don't think their intention is to make you feel worse. Keep in mind that it's an assumed response, and they don't know your situation at all.  Personally, when someone informs me that they're pregnant, or I see a person who is pregnant, I try not to express anything one way or the other until I get some kind of signal as to how the woman is feeling about it (whether verbal or body language), or just not express anything (after all, it's really none of my business in the first place).  I think perhaps saying "I'd rather not" or "no thanks" might be the appropriate response to people pushing their babies on you, and just silence to all the congratulations.

I'm sorry to hear that people are making an already difficult situation worse for you.  I could say that the dispair you're feeling will go away after the baby is born, but like all those people who keep foisting their assumptions on you, I really don't know what this will mean for you in the future.  I do hope that it does, though, and that everything turns out for the best.

As for comments to other people who have had miscarriages, I do hope that if you come across one, you'll make an effort to realize that just like those people saying "congratulations" not knowing your situation, you don't know theirs. 

Best of everything to you, and (((((hugs))))).

I'm confused. In your bio it says 'I am pregnant and the father lives in Indianapolis, so I am going to try to move up there to be with him for the baby's sake.' That doesn't imply you are or at least were intending on keeping it.

Sorry, there is more to the post, and some things have changed since I wrote my bio.  I wanted to adopt the baby away, the father wants to keep the child, so he won't sign off on the adoption papers.  So we discussed it and decided that it would be best if he took the child and raised it.  I will probably eventually want to move up there to be closer to him and the child, but that may never be possible, my career is more important to me.

And by the way, if somebody told me that they had had a miscarrage, secretly I would be envyious, but I wouldn't let them know it, I would instead say something like, "wow, that is too bad, I am so sorry".  Because I guess it is the death of a little person, which is the same reason I won't get a abortion, because I don't want to be responsible for the death of another human being, I just don't want to be responsible for the life of one either.

In this post I am venting because I am sick of how happy everyone is about me being pregnant, it is difficult when I am so miserable about it, it is hard to keep smiling and saying "thank you" and pretending that I am happy about it when I am not.  Oh, another one people always ask me: "are you excited?"  What am I supposed to say to that?  The truth is, no, I am miserable, but that isn't what they want to hear, so I say, "not really" and leave it at that.

i thought you decided to keep it because you're 30 and an adult and up to the responsibility of parenting on your own and all that.  this sounds like the rant of a teenager.

Ummm,  I realized that it would be damn near impossible for me to raise a child on my own. 

If you want the story, here it is:

What happened is I visited a couple of daycares.  They said that when baby gets sick, it goes home, baby gets diarhia, it goes home, I am like damn, I have only one week of sick pay, plus vacation.  But what happens when I run out of days off?  I have no family, no friends, no support to help me take care of a child.  Then I went out with friends and geocached all day one time.  They talked about taking a vacation to Idaho.  I about cried, if I was raising the child my life would be over, I couldn't go to Idaho on vacation, no more wonderful days geocaching in the park, it would all be over!  For two days I cried, and cried, then I decided that it was too much for me to raise a child by myself, I decided that I had no other choice than to adopt the child away.  I called BD and told him that I wanted to adopt the child away.  He said no, he would no sign the papers, but he would keep the baby, raise the baby and be a single father.  He had to get off the phone, in my mind I was thinking...impossible, how could he take care of a child?  So for two more days I cried and cried realizing that adoption was out, I reached the bottom of the barrel, I was lost, hopeless, I could see no other way out.  I prayed for a miscarrage, I screamed at God for cursing me and making my life a living hell by making me pregnant. 

Then Chad called back again two days later and this time we had more time to talk.  I asked him how he expected to be able to take care of a child on his own?  He pointed out that, unlike my situation, he is not alone.  He has his parents, his brother, sister-in-law, sister many many friends who are willing to help.  He already has been talking to three baby sitters about babysitting while he is at work...he wouldn't have to use a daycare.  He was so happy when I told him that I was thinking of leaving the child with him, I have never heard him sound so happy in all of the 13 years I have known him.  Suddenly a new ray of hope opened up in my heart, and for the first time since I found out I was pregnant the feeling of hopelessness lifted, and for the first time since I found out I was pregnant I slept soundly, all through the night.

Now I tell poeple that I am going to leave the child with dad, I think it is the best thing for the child, and for me.  People give me this evil look like I am the worst person in all of the world.  It makes me angry, they don't understand my situation, his situation, how he is in a much better position in life to take care of a baby than I am.  So I am mad at all the people who think that I am evil for leaving the child with dad.  That is why I am ranting.

Sorry such a long post. 

Original Post by cesty8:

I screamed at God for cursing me and making my life a living hell by making me pregnant. 

 

Well, with all due respect to your situation and emotional state, "God" did not make you pregnant. 

And if leaving the child with the father is the best thing for you and the child, don't pay attention to what other people say or how they look at you - it's none of their business.  I would go so far as to suggest that you not even tell other people the details of your situation - if you don't want the looks, if you don't want the judgement, leave them out of it - you don't owe them an explanation for the decisions you make in your life anymore than they owe you one for theirs.

just a thought cesty, Would you consider giving the baby up for adoption to a family who cannot conceive?  Please don't take that the wrong way; it's always a very healthy and rewarding alternative.

If you feel this way about your unborn child then take solace in knowing that not attempting to raise him/her is the best thing you can do.  As a parent of two small children I know that selfishness is the most counterproductive thing a parent can have.  If you feel like a child is going to make your life a living hell before it is even born, trust me when I tell you that you are right.  Making sure that the child is in a loving home where it is WANTED is the best thing you can do.  Just smile when people give you unwanted commentary and know that it will be over soon.  Society tends to think that a mother's love for her child overcomes all obstacles and that the mothering "instinct" kicks in and all other things fall to the wayside.  This is not true for all women and I applaud the fact that you realize that and are going to do what is right for yourself and more importantly the innocent life growing inside you who had no say in the matter.

That being said, however, I am adopted and when my biologicl mother and father tried to come back into my life when I was 24, I had ALOT of animosity toward her.  I also had alot of abandonment issues throughout my life.  I did however get over it through counseling.  I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty or to pass judgement on you because it is far better for a child to be raised by a loving parent who thinks they are a blessing instead of a curse - I'm just giving you the heads up for later on if you do ever decide to be part of your child's life.

Vanessa, she can't give the baby up for adoption without the permission of the father.

glad to hear the father is willing to step up.

Your story about the father sounds wonderful. Sounds like the baby will have a good home with him.

It's really hard to be in a position where everyone has an opinion, and everyone thinks they know how you feel, and they're wrong, and it's not socially acceptable to tell them.  {{{hugs}}}

wow, thank  you so much everybody.  I do want the child to be in a loving home, which is why I wanted to adopt it. 

I guess I feel guilty for not wanting to be a mom, and everybody giving me dirty looks doesn't help.  You all make me realize that my giving the child to Chad I am actually doing the RIGHT thing.  Years ago we talked about children, and it was a joke that our roles are reversed, he is more feminin and nurturing than I am, I tend to be more like a father.  It is like he is a woman born into a mans body, and I am a man born into a womans body. 

Thank you all for  your understanding.

Just tell people you are carrying the baby as a surrogate for a family in Indiana and therefore don't feel attached.  That would shut me up, if anything I'd think it was admirable.

Ha ha, I have actually thought about that!  I am nothing more than a serrogate mom for Chad's baby!

Really I am.

He has wanted a baby for YEARS.

This is funny:

A few years ago Chad and I were talking.  He wanted me to donate an egg.  I was like...why?  He said that he was going to have it fertilized with his genetic material and was going to implant it into a serrogate woman, he even had a woman who was willing to do that!!!!

I just figure, I am the serrogate mom, Chad gets exactly what he was wanted for so long.

I still wonder, why MY egg, he could use anyones egg, but he wanted mine, I wonder why it was so important to him?

cesty, i don't want to offend you in any way (I work with parents that adopt their kids out) and I'm curious as to why you even have to answer people---it's just my thought---screw what people think--but what I'm guessing is that these are probably people that you will be hanging out with once the baby is born--so it's understandable--but I think the most important thing for you to do right now is be as healthy as you can (yes even emotionally) because even if you decide not to raise the baby you can still be affected by this whole thing--So I really do encourage you to take care of yourself--maybe you could talk to a counselor or therapist about what you have been experiencing ----------------------------------I just really encourage you to take care of yourself--------

I congratulate you on doing what's right for everyone and not bowing to societal pressure.  Not every woman is cut out to be a mother - my grandmother sure wasn't, and my father and his sisters bore the scars of that.  I am very like my grandmother in many ways, which is a big reason why I don't myself have kids.

It sounds like the baby will be going to a loving, well-supported home.

Well, I did make it sound like I was going to "dump" the baby on Chad and then bow out completely.  That is really not the plan.  I do plan on being involved, visiting whenever I can, perhaps I will try to find a job up there so that I can maintain a relationship.  But he will be the primary caretaker, I will just help out whenever I can.

About me being healthy, I totally agree.  I have stoped drinking and I also avoid smoky environments, so forth.  I am not sure what else I can do.  Stoping drinking was a big one, I LOVE my evening glass of wine, but nope, none of that. I would say avoid fish, but I don't eat much anyway, for the most part I am a vegetarian.

I have calmed down, when I started this thread I was feeling very angry, now after talking to you'all I feel much better.  I think getting a therapist is a good idea though.  I went to one regulary before getting pregnant because I had to for my prescription, I am bi-polar.  But I had to stop taking the prescription so I stopped going to the doctor as well, perhaps I should start again.

I feel for you and for the baby.  I think that you are doing what is right by giving this baby a loving home.  Not that my opinion really matters.  However, I wonder why you keep starting threads about this issue.  I think, now this is just my opinion.....but, I think maybe you are needing confirmation.  Just as others have said this is your decision what other people think doesnt matter you are the one that has to live with the decision you make. 

In any case, from reading the various posts and changing your mind so rapidly I would suggest you seek counseling.  It would help you come to terms with what you are feeling and possibly help you to be not so miserable.  You have to remember your hormones will make you jump at issues that you might not would have before.  It did surprise me when you said some of the things you did.  Maybe the issues you are feeling go deeper than just pregnancy.  I'm honestly not trying to be hateful or anything of the sort.  I am concerned for you and for the baby. 

As with any advice you can ignore what you dont like. 

I would just say try not to make any decisions until you have the baby.  If the father is willing to take the child then there is no rush. 

cesty--I'm sure your doctor has talked to you about this but I just want to make sure that you are aware that since you are bi-polar that you have a higher chance of getting postpartum depression once the baby is born. I think it would be a good idea to see a therapist--it's just so many emotional changes (that you may not even realize ) that your body is going through since you are having a baby--and then we you do have the baby---your hormones will still go a little crazy. Let me know if you need any other information