People that talk about dying nonstop!

So over the 4th of July I visited my parents had a wonderful time my kids played with there new puppies and so on. Then of course it had to get morbid my father I love to death but he has a habit of talking about when he dies and how its going to be soon everytime we visit. It upsets my 2 kids very much so that sometimes when the visit is over they dont remember all the fun they had they remember pappy telling them how he wont be around much longer.........He does have diabetes and a few other problems but has never been told he only has such and such time to live, but he insists on talking about it. Hubby and I have tried avoiding the topic by changing subjects and so fourth he still ends up talking about it. I need some suggestions from ppl who have dealt with someone like him.

any help would be welcome

thank you

I have had that happen to me before with my mother. She had a terrible bout with cancer she always thought she would die and constantly talked about it around everyone in the family it got to a point where we just would leave the room when she started. She eventually won her battle with cancer and has been free of it since 1996 and no longer talks of death. My advice to you would just put up with it he will get the hint sooner or later.

How old are your kids?

Maybe you can just ask him not to do it in front of the kids b/c, as you said above:

"...sometimes when the visit is over they dont remember all the fun they had they remember pappy telling them how he wont be around much longer..."

Maybe it would help if he knew that part.

my kids are not babies anymore they are 11 and 8 so they are of age where death is a subject the now understand so I think its even more scary for them......................We have explained that to my dad over and over again its like he doesnt even listen. Im not sure why he does it or if he sits around rationalizing in his own mind that this is a good thing to sit down and talk about cause it happens to all of us.

You could always just stop coming around or make silly faces at him when he goes off into his spaz attack about dying

my grandmother used to say stuff like that too when I was a little kid...

she's still around and still talking about how she'll kick the bucket any time now...

last time she said it, I told her,

Grandmother, you've been saying that for 30 years, but you're bound to be right someday...  **hugs to grandma**

lol thats cute nomore..........I shall try that with dad sometime and chix your a trip had to laugh at your post

I would follow chix' example and leave the room, taking your children with you.  

absolutely, snowhite.  a little behaviour mod seems in order.

When the kids are around, how about instead of letting dad focus on impending doom ...get him to take a trip down memory lane.  "Oh..Dad, then you need to make sure the kids know the story about...."

Then in private ask him what's going on. Talk about death may be a sign of depression. Or maybe it is a little bit of a guilt trip because he is feeling lonely, wants to see his family more and wants to know if he will be "missed".

As people get older and have physical problems it is only natural to contemplate death and end of life issues. Maybe a frank 1:1 talk about his wishes and helping him put together a "living will" may put his mind at easy and end the random morbid talk.

Unfortunately, death is a fact of life.  In the last year we have had two family members die of terminal illness and my mom go under Hospice care.  I have had to do a lot of explaining to do to my five year old.  As much as we would like to shield our kids from this reality ...it is impossible.  Tell your kids that while you don't expect grandad to die any time soon, death is natural part of all living things. There are a lot of good books out there for children that discuss this. Leave the door open for them to ask questions later.

How old is your father?  If he's younger than 80 tell him these days folks are living well into their 90's and if he is so sick why isn't he in a nursing home?  I'd also call him out and ask him if he's got his living will and advanced directive around- telll him if he has a heart attack tomorrow is he a DNR?  Maybe then ask where's the will - who's the executor  - is he being cremated?  I mean if he's gonna talk death then talk the practicallities of it all.  Maybe if he really starts to think about what is involved with dying for the survivors he might not be so anxiuos the next time to start the discussion.

My parents aren't that old but my mom isn't in the best of health and although we don't get a chance to visit often (they live over 1000 miles away) she does say our will is here - your brother is executor  etc... they also had each of us kids make a list of things we wanted and then we kids negotiated with each other over the duplicates on the list.  When my grandma on my dad's side died it causes great strife between my dad and his brother and things that were promised to us kids by grandma when she was alive found there way to auction and not to us.  My dad and his brother didn't speak for years after that.  

Tell your dad yes death is a fact of life but if he continues to only want to talk about it you will not be able to visit cuz it upsets the kids.

you have told him that you don't appreciate the topic, especially when your kids are present.  now that you've told him, you need to demonstrate your disapproval.  leave the room.  when you stay and listen, you're rewarding his morbidity.

don't engage; train.  that's behaviour mod.  it's not a method i like, but it can be very effective.

My mom has done this for as long as I can remember. Back when we were getting ready to move to athens, Greece (military) she called and actually said" WE'LL be gone when you get back " I had had enough and said "everyone?" Is it the plague?" she got mad. I figured out recently how old she was when she was doing that and couldn't believe it she was 39yrs old. She is now 69 and still doing it.  I told her recently about figuring out she was 39 yrs old and saying that and told her "look how much time in your life you have wasted waiting to die instead of living. " How  for years its' been daily - I'm sick, this hurts that hurts. I'm sure it does but that is all she talks about. She the type that gets test done and is mad when nothing is wrong.  Nothing will change her, I've tried too late just giving up. She say now she wants on her tomb stone - "I told  you I was sick" she thinks she funny.

My Grandfather was the same exact way.  He spent the last 25 years of his life "dying".  His famous line when any one said we will see you soon was "If I am still here".  He has since passed but I ofter think of the 25 years he waited to die with sadness and hope I will never be that way. 

I like that comment gypsie - Look how much time in your life you have wasted waiting to die instead of living"  Very nice.

Maybe tell him instead of just talking about how you are going to die soon - just end it now and be done with it so the rest of us can get on with our lives.

Thanks guys for all the responses..... I have decided to take the advice of walking out of the room with my kids when he starts his morbid conversations. If this doesnt work however I think I will have to try something more drastic like not going around him for a while and telling him just why i cant. I cant condone him doing this in front of my kids nor should I have too I feel he should know better but since he doesnt maybe this trick of leaving the room will solve it.

My MIL is that way, gypsie.  She gets obsessed about her blood pressure and takes it constantly.  She actually works herself up into a frenzy, THEN takes her BP and writes it down.  She does this several times a day and then uses it as proof that there is something wrong with her.  I think she just wants attention.  I've told her she needs to take her BP when she is feeling normal too, not just when she is upset, but she either doesn't understand or acts like she doesn't, because she continues to take her BP only when she is upset about something. 

I want to steal her BP sphygmomanometer.  Or rig it so it always shows 115/75.  She shouldn't be allowed to have it. 

My grandmother-in-law is the same way.  I've been part of that family for almost 10 years now, and she's said it the whole time.  I just let her say it and then change the conversation as if she hadn't said it.  It's not particularly effective, but what can you do? 

However, in your case, it's upsetting your kids.  Your primary duty is to your children, not to your parents or in-laws.  I agree with ^^ - take them out of the room.  Even if it doesn't get the point across, it gets your kids out of it.

Now mom is stopping her colestrol SP? med. said it is making her sick, vomiting and upset stomach. It couldn't be not eating when taking her meds or smoking and the pot of coffee or even the Jack Daniels. How you can have a drink when your feeling sick is beyond me (Yes, I know AAA meetings needed) .  Get so tired of hearing the complaining and if say anything then there's the crying. This situation is beyond help . She has COPD because she smokes like a train , but she won't believe that it what the problem is. She gets test results back on Monday, will see what happens. She is getting so bad it's hard to take her out in public. She has to touch everyone and I've told her to stop but she keeps doing it. Thank for letting me vent, it'll be another day of I'm not going to be here when you get back.  I wonder if i'm going to feel guilty when she gone? She keeps telling me I am.

undertherainbow, I'm sorry for the loss of you husband's uncle. My aunt has had chemo for 15 mo. and never complains either. If you don't deal with someone that sucks the life out of you it's hard to understand  that it is hard to appreciate them. They just bring you down with them. If they want your attention 24-7 and no matter what you do its not enough. My mom has been doing this for 45 yrs. every day.  I have an uncle that died of cancer last August , he was rebuilding his kitchen up till the day he died. Some people just don't want to make their lives useful and want to cause problems with family members. Thank goodness you haven't had to deal with someone like that. My sister and I said was can't even talk to a minister because no one would understand mom's craziness unless you knew her.

yes, your right undertherainbow they are the only ones that can make themselves happy. It's taken me awhile (years) but I've learned how to just not make it my problem. It exhausted me and almost ruined my marriage. Mom will be mom and thats it. She just wants to complain and not do anything to make herself feel better so I just let it go now. No she has no friends, doesn't want to bother with no one. The rest of the family got tired of her putting everyone down. She finds something wrong with everyone, and tries to push buttons and pick fights. if I try and say anything she twist it and then starts crying. Atleast at this new apt. she can sit on balcony and watch whats going on. It amazes me how much of everyone business she knows, then wants to tell me like I care. Thanks for being such a good listener. I'm a pretty up person so I guess thats why mom drives me nuts. I like to enjoy life.