LOCKED TOPIC

Personal Topic Deleted

eom

Wow.  That's really sucky.  I just can't get over how much she spent.  That's a ton of money.

deleting personal topic

Udokier .... you are human.

You got mad, you expressed your anger, and you later apologized for it. And from your post it's clear that you want to continue to take steps to rectify the problem.

The problem, though, wasn't the $5,000 foolish purchase that your wife made. I think that was a symptom of some underlying marital issues that you two need to work on together to resolve.  Certainly communication would be one issue to work on, as well as learning to make joint decisions about major financial matters.

My suggestion? Counseling. For both of you. If she won't attend, go without her... but I do think that if you want your marriage to thrive (not just survive), you may need to be proactive about taking steps to repair what's broken.

Your situation will be in my thoughts and prayers.

MOLLY

Good advice.

You're such a jerk and completely irresponsible. 

Completely kidding, I don't think anyone would think that.  I think you had every right to be uspet.  I'm more of the steady spender and hubby is more impulsive, so I can relate sometimes, but we have a system that works for us.  And I will say that it's not uncommon for a lot of people to hide the amount they spent on something if they know the other person will disagree.  In some ways, I would imagine that she knows she shouldn't have gotten it and was slightly relieved that you put your foot down and made her return it.  Because then you get to be the bad guy and she gets to not have to feel bad that she didn't make it a priority. 

Some women take longer to get over things.  Personally, I'm almost always fine the next day, but that's me.  I think women do this more often in general then men...even looking at male relationships, if there is a conflict it's indirectly dealt with, sometimes physically, and that's that.  Women fight emotionally. 

I remember a coworker saying one time that as soon as any curse word went into an argument, even if it was not said towards the other, that they would completely have a blowout instead of an arguement.  And I know hubby and I are more that way.  We'll have an occasional swear in there but it doesn't effect us that same way.  But a lot of times, if you can figure out the point that things got too intense and led into all the hurtful comments, you can take a break until you and she are calmed down a bit.

And you might not like this, but I also wonder what she does on purpose.  It sounds like she wanted that note to be found.  If she thinks her birthday always sucks, does she maybe set it up so that (self fulfilling prophecy) it does suck every year?  Maybe she expected you to forget and purposely set it up to annoy you so that it balanced out your forgetfulness.  I really don't know, but I figured I'd throw ideas out there.

But hang in there.  If you didn't love her, it wouldn't be getting to you like this.  You'd just not care.  And it sounds like you want to work it out.

deleting personal topic

deleting personal topic

Oh wait, I knew another couple that had major money problems.  The hubby had maxed out into the thousands his credit cards on he has no idea what before they got together.  So they are paying things off really slowly.  But one thing they did was agree that if anything cost more than a set amount (I think it was $50 at the time) that they would have to discuss it beforehand and agree on it.  And if it was a right now or never type of deal, then the answer was just no since there was no conversation.  That worked really well for them.

Oh, and if traditional marital counseling as we see it over in the US isn't available, what other sorts of things are available?  I know that a lot of pastors will do counseling as part of them taking care of their congregation.  But, using that term to go for counseling is like a taboo in many asian cultures.

It's pretty clear that you and your wife love one another and your children, that makes it very worth it to work on and save your marriage.  It will not make your life any less complicated (or cheaper) to have two households to coordinate.

I would highly recommend that your wife talk to a therapist.  I went through post partum depression and I desperately wanted my husband or family to "help" me or get help for me, but not only could I not ask for help, I tried to hide how bad I was doing.  It's an illness and she needs help.  It's very hard on a marriage when one or both partners is suffering mentally.  Love your wife and your children - that is far better than a material/financial goal.  So many times I see a husband working very hard to provide a certain level of material comfort, but not dedicating time to their family - thinking this is what their wife wants, when the wife is really craving his time and attention.  I have no idea if this applies to you at all, it is only an observation.  I wish you and your family much love, strength and perseverence.  Oh, also, as far as your wife's incredibly expensive purchase, sometimes a depressed person can completely lose touch with reality/rationality.  This might be an example?  It was certainly over the top.

Hey
I;m an asian women :P
And I think you did the right thing in the end, although that wasnt the best way to go about it, you are human
Don't beat yourself up on it
You said you didnt want advice, but I wante dto let you know that you are not too selfish.

Maybe just say next time she wants something like this (and I do know about these quacky japanese things) you'd be happy to talk about it with her and plan to pay for it.

It sounds like the overeacted a fair bit. perhaps there's something else bugging her.

deleting personal topic

Wow...I can't begin to either give you advice or pretend to know who is in the wrong.  All I can say it that I sympathize with you, that I don't think that you were being too unreasonable, especially since you apologized, and if she saw that post, she would know you love her very much. 

Hang in there...and good luck.

The fact that your wife continually feels she needs help from fads and $5000 machines suggests to me that there is some issue or problem in her life that's not being addressed. This could be a marital issue, but it could also be a physical or mental health issue that has nothing to do with you. I'm in no way qualified to diagnose anything, but I would suggest that you consider the options as objectively as you can. It's reasonable to regret what you said. It's also reasonable for her to be upset. But is her reaction proportionate to the event? If she is often depressed, and talks of wanting to die despite your best efforts to make her happy, and you get to the point where you feel you are constantly trying to pacify her, then blaming yourself for her state of mind will not help her improve, and may end up causing you to resent her (I speak from experience here). Seeking help to fix my wife's health problems instead of trying to work around them meant having to give up the idea that I could provide whatever she needed. It made me feel utterly useless as a husband. But ultimately, it was the only way to go, and I wish I'd got there sooner. Again, I'm not saying this is your situation, just suggesting that you might consider the option. You might try to talk to her about whether there is some long-standing specific issue or set of issues that she is upset about, or whether her feelings and emotions come and go and are unpredictable even to herself. If the latter is the case, she might need more help than counseling alone.

Oh my!....she should have consulted you, and perhaps you could have handled it a wee bit better.......

Edit: I took out what I had originally posted because it just wasn't reading the way I wanted it to.

Best of wishes to both of you. I hope everything works out.

 

I'm part Japanese and a woman, and I would have to say that your post is rather unsettling to me.

How strongly is she oriented towards her own culture? If she is a very Japanese Japanese (if you know what I mean), she might be having difficulties expressing her discontent with you and life as a whole.

Her attachment to the so-called religion is questionable, and the way that she is easily swayed by quackery is worrying. Purchasing something (even if it wasn't some magical gadget) of THAT price knowing that it puts the family under financial crisis? Unthinkable.

And that "multi-level marketing" thing? It's pyramid scheme. Very common in Japan (and in US too), sometimes called direct-sales (but is not). Thank goodness she was prevented from it!

I am one of those people who dislike Soka Gakkai, considered a cult to me. Although exactly how dangerous it is depending entirely upon your indulgence in it...but apparently your wife has over-indulged.

No offense meant, but through your descriptions of her, I can only picture a woman who is extremely insecure, and desperately needing attention, only she strives for it in every undesirable way possible. She sounds repressed, either this being a natural characteristic of her or a learned behavior due to her cultural background, and is unable to vent her negative emotions directly.

I don't know if she hates you, but I think there is resentment. Writing note of wanting to end her life, wishing that she had never been born, expresses a multitude of feelings, but mostly she thinks this world has failed her, and this world might have included you, and likely herself. (But as you know, whether she blames you, the world, or her destiny, it doesn't really mean that you, the world, or her destiny is to blame. )

And I agree with liza413 that she might have done the purchase intentionally, or, as according to you, subconsciously intentional. Whether she does it out of spite...I do not know her well enough to judge.

Also, I do not recommend counseling, nor seeing a therapist, since Japanese/Asian have a strong sense of embarrassment, if not humiliation, if they are asked  to reveal their difficulties to others. Perhaps a trusty friend with common sense and sympathy can help?

I know I don't sound very positive or encouraging, urgh!

And I have just remembered that you are not asking for advice! (Not that mine worth anything.) My apology.

 

I wish you and your wife all the best.

deleting personal topic

Marriage is never easy.  I feel for both you and your wife.  This is not exactly "advice" so, here goes:  it is not your resposibility to "make" your wife happy.  Happiness is a temporary emotion.  Yes, there are indeed moments of pure joy in life.  However, it is not a permanent state of existence.  It can be random and fleeting and highly elusive. 

As far as religion goes, anything can be taken to extremes.  It sounds as if your wife has lost herself within the group. 

Regarding the title of your post:  you didn't screw things up with your wife.  You reacted to a situation the she put you in.  (a bad situation, imo) 

Yes, thirteen years is a long time to be together (my husband and I have been together 19 years, and we are only 37!).  But if the difficult times begin to outweigh the good, then a change could be in order.  Not necessarily divorce, but, as the old saying goes..."if you keep doing the same thing, you will keep getting the same results."

Good luck and don't blame yourself!  Things happen and life goes on. 

All my prayers,

Janet

Best of luck mate!  I agree with what macherie said, counselling is not the way to go, and you have been here long enough to realise that too I expect.

My wife is also Japanese, but I guess we are a little different as we both work full time, so our money is generally our own, except for the big stuff like a home!

I praise my wife as a smart woman, and also for being quite patient with me some times in explaining her feelings when hurt.  I am a very logical person, which can help me win many arguments (with people that are not my wife!), but my wife told me, "I can understand your logic, and even at the time, your logic sounds correct, but it doesn't matter, I am upset, I am emotional and no amount of logic will help that."

When angry and upset, the best thing I can think of is to say you are sorry to upset her (not sorry for what you did, just sorry for upsetting her).

The concept of suicide in Japan is much more acceptable than in Western Culture, which doesn't mean that she is likely to go through with it, just that I feel the Japanese are much more comfortable with mentioning this as an option.  (Might be a generalisation, not sure, just my observation).  The point I am trying to make here is that as a non-Japanese, we may see that comment to be a lot more serious than it actually is.

I personally know a lot of people that struggle to make ends meet, and also a number of people for which, money is never an issue, and of course those in between.  There are happy people and sad people across the spectrum.  Generally, the difference is how people choose to look at their lives, the happier people can look at the things in their life that are good, the things in their life that they have, not the things that are bad, or the things they don't have.

I think, as has already been said, there is something that your wife feels she is lacking, and she may not even know what it is.  Ask her why she thinks her life is so bad, what it is she thinks is missing, cuz it certainly isn't the [insert name of piece of crap $5000 machine here].  If she can't really tell you what it is (I mean that she really doesn't know, as opposed to not telling you and just her thinking "gambarimasu"), then the both of you should try to focus on the things that ARE good about your lives together.  i.e. you are both healthy (I assume), you have wonderful healthy kids, you have a job that at least pays enough to put food on the table and a roof over your heads.  Those things alone are worth being thankful for, but you may be able to add more to that.

As for this: "She says she's very hurt to think that now her birthday will always be the anniversary of the day I broke her heart."  That is nothing short of trying to hurt you, which shows she is obviously still emotional.

I think my post is a lot of random thoughts, so sorry about that!  Basically, I wish you well and hope you can help her feel much better about herself and the life she has.

deleting personal topic

Original Post by udokier:

I hope I didn't give the impression that she is "suicidal". She definitely is not, and despite the culture, her religion is very anti-suicide. Suiciders are reincarnated into even worse lives than the one they leave!

 No, not at all, that was a bit my point I guess, many may see that as a seriously disturbing comment, but Japanese don't really see it that way, so it can be mentioned more off hand without being serious much more easily I think.

Hopefully your wife is willing to hear logic when she isn't being too emotional.

As for me, right in the heart of Tokyo.  Not looking forward to the summer humidity!