Please dont think I am a mean person but....

I really need some advice here. I am going to try not to make this to long but I cant make any promises! I have a friend who I have known for 20 years now. The entire friendship has been frustrating, depressing and driving me crazy. She is a girl who has a problem with needing attention I believe. In High School at least once a month she would "attempt suicide" by taking pills. Then go to the hospital and call everyone she knows and tell them in her most pathetic voice what happened. It was usually over some stupid guy. The first couple of times, yes I felt bad for her and thought it was horrible. But when it happened over and over for years, the sympathy turns to anger. Then she decided at 98 pounds she was fat and became anorexic. I feel for people with this disease, I really do, but I dont quite understand it. She would look in the mirror and see fat when all I saw was skin and bones. Then she was hospitalized for that. Still I tried to be there for her even though it was annoying me. I am not the only friend she has that feels this way, we all do.  After more of the same crap I ended the friendship. I couldnt deal with it anymore. If she called me and I didnt answer she would leae mean messages like " I have always been there for you and when I need you, you dont care blah blah blah...it takes a toll on you. So I walked away from her and everyone else in that circle. It was draining and exhausting to be her friend.

I moved on with my life and yes i thought about her now and again. Then I ran into her years later. She looked great and seemed so much better. Like maybe she had grown up and got the help she needed. She told me she had a boyfriend and was happy and I was so proud of her. We started talking again and things seemed good. Then slowly it turned back into the same ****. The boyfriend was not a boyfriend, he was another guy who she let take advantage of her, she spend every cent on him and he would only come around when he wanted a little suttin suttin. I tried to tell her she was falling into her old patterns again, but it didnt matter. She had gotten some money after her mom passed and it took awhile to get it. She got 180,000 dollars that she spent in one month on NOTHING! She lost her house, she lost her car and now is living in some dumpy apartment because she spent the money on the dumb "boyfriend" and vacations and she is piss poor. Now she is crying to me how she has nothing and she cant take it and she wants to die. She goes to the hospital once a week (no exaggeration) complaining of this pain or that pain and gets all this pain killers and takes some and sells some. She has a never ending subscription to Loritab. The sad part is she works in a pharmacy and steals the pills also. Anyway the whole point of this story is I cant take the phone calls 10 times a day, the crying and whining that this hurts or that hurts or I have no money...She has pushed me to the point where I feeel no sympathy for her. I just cant anymore. She has been in counseling and I feel I have done all I can for her. I want to end this friendship but I cant seem to do it. If I ignore her, she calls and calls and the messages get nastier and nastier.  Please dont think I am a bad person, I just cant take the stress of this relationship anymore. What do I do?

Have you considered getting some counselling for yourself?  For all of your friends faults it seems like she is a very good manipulator, maybe a counselor could help you learn to deal with her in a way the will keep you from feeling guilty about the situation.

In short, I think you need to do what you did before to get this person out of your life.

Edit:  No, I don't think your are a mean person, if anything you are too caring.

hmmm...it doesn't sound much of a friendship to me with the way that she's been acting.  If I were you, I would just cut off all ties with her & move on with your life the way you did before.  Sounds like she'd be a good candidate for one of those reality-tv drama queens, but not as a friend.  You're not a bad person, you've just had enough of her drama & ridiculous behavior.  Nothing wrong with that.

distance yourself.  block her numbers and email addresses.  change your number if you have to.  crazy people are fine, if they're willing to take responsibility for themselves, but she hasn't figured out how to do that.

ps: you're not mean at all.  sounds like you've been very patient. you've done more than enough.

thanks everyone. I just wanted to make sure I wasnt being a bad person.

No way honey, nothing mean about this....

Friends are meant to comfort each other if one has a problem until a) their situation gets better or b) they fix it. Your friend's situation has nothing to do with a) because she is the problem. And she is not willing to do b) and fix her problem. Instead, she just sucks you into her problems.

You should be proud of yourself for supporting a friend like that when I'm sure not many people would. But it's been 20 years. If she hasn't changed, she won't change. Do you really want this weight on your shoulder for the rest of your life? I agree--cut her out completely. You are a very good person and you do not deserve to have someone that can't be helped make your life miserable.

It sounds like you have been a good friend. It's like this girl was taking advantage of that though. She obviously has a lot of mental issues and it can't be helped she probably doesn't even realize how distressed you are because in moments like that she is unintentionally only thinking of herself.

I agree with another poster, you should probably see a counselor for yourself after all of this stress put on you.

You can cut ties with this girl and explain to her why you can't do this anymore. How being a friend to comfort her is fine to an extent, but not to the point you can't live your own life because she's calling 10 times or more a day. If she has a counselor then you should tell her to see them and call them with her problems that's what they are there for. You are her friend and not her counselor. Her counselor is getting payed to listen to her. You are only a friend and not an educated professional in this field and there's only so much you can do and you feel you have done all you can up to this point and you are tired of being taken advantage of.

We all have our problems and yes friends should be there for each other, but there comes a point when people milk it far out more then another person can handle. Again, that's what a therapist is for. Perhaps she should visit hers more then once a week. Or call an emergency hot line.

You aren't mean, you just sound frustrated because you don't know what more you can do and with your own life you are finding her problems emotionally exhausting. Any normal person would feel this way.

Good luck with everything and to your friend.

your kids are real cuties!!!

anyway -- tell her to seriously get help, she is going to get caught stealing those controlled drugs.  distance yourself!

It's only a matter of time before counts come up as off in the pharmacy and they do start putting a check system in place or at very least doing a detailed inventory.  Seen drug theft happen twice but for one of them my pharmacist was tipped off by family so it would have taken longer to catch with the girl. Your friend most likely is not going to get help and as addicted as she is working in a pharmacy is the last thing she needs.  We were fortunate the one employee got busted as all of us were coming under suspicion because of her theft.... it could have ruined a lot of lives had she not been caught.  None of us had a clue she was stealing =(

Back to you, No, you are not an awful person.  You were a good and supportive friend that had the sense enough to run screaming from the toxic friendship.  It's not hard and I Know that you've wished something you said, did, etc could have helped her.  But she won't change unless she wants to.  Old "Can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink" coming into play.

Shows you're still a caring person because as a former friend you took her back for another chance, with the hope that all people can change.... and then it comes out in the wash that she's still the same.  Point blank you can block her number and report her for harassment.  I don't know if she's made threats in her messages, but if she has you may have more help with the police.  Personally I'd recommend a restraining order as well from past experience and learning the hard way how it's better to be safe then sorry.

Hang in there.... and if you ever need to vent, feel free to pm.  walked a few miles in the shoes you're in once too.

 

seriously distance yourself from her. Shes no good, especially if shes stealing pills from pharmacy. You dont want the cops knocking on your door because she slipped your name in there some how. Like some one eles said shes a manipulator.

Sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder.  It's a real mental illness and she should receive counseling and possibly psychiatric care.  Since this isn't an issue of maturity or poor self-esteem, your friendship will not help her grow out of this.  It can't be grown out of.  Unless you want to be constantly pulled into her drama, put an end to the relationship now.

If you feel you have an obligation to her as a fellow human being, tell her that you will only remain involved in her life if she gets professional help and acknowledges that she has a problem.

Otherwise, run far and fast!

You sound like a good friend and a caring person, but it sounds like she really needs a lot of serious professional help and sometimes with people like this (whether it's BPD or something else I really couldn't say) you have to realize that you (most likely) aren't a professional and aren't trained to handle this sort of thing, and there's only so much you can do. You have to take care of yourself as well.

While I'm not necessarily saying end the friendship, I'd say keep her at arm's length and don't let yourself get too wrapped up in her problems. I have several friends like this.

Absolutely agree that she may have borderline personality disorder, which is seriously BAD NEWS for anyone who cares about her....stay well away from her and don't feel any guilt!!! there is nothing you can do to help her hunni! tell her to get a psychiatrist and quick!

Her drug addiction sounds like a serious problem and you could report her to the Board of Pharmacy in your state so they can investigate.  In some states, pharmacists and their staff are offered treatment for their diversion and addiction problems.  Otherwise, my advice is the same as above.  She needs a mental health professional to help her with her issues. 

You don't have to let her nail you to a cross. Get away soon and know that you are not a bad person...

Everyone here is so great. I thought for sure someone would kinda yell at me for feeling this way. I feel much better knowing I am not over reacting. Thank you all. And thanks to the person who said my kids are cute! I guess I am a point in my life where I want to be surrounded by positive energy. I have spent many years dealing with my own depression issues, but I by myself have found a way to work through it. My biggest issue was my weight and I finally realized one day that no one can fix it but me! So I joined a gym, started counting calories, worked out some other personal issues and I have to tell you I feel like a brand new person. I always have shoved myself in the corner and took care of evreyone else first! Well I decided that I matter and I need to take care of me and that is what I am doing. Having her in my life just brings me down and stresses me out and honestly when I hear her voice in makes my stomach turn. I know what the conversation is going to be. I personally dont want the negativity around me anymore. I have come so far with myself that having her around is like taking 100 steps backwards. I cant do it. I lost myself there for awhile but I finally found me again and I cant let anyone or anything ruin that!

Ok Ihad a friend similar to that. Everything was always about her. She had to have all the attention. She is a real psycho. I tried not being friends with her a couple times but then we'd always go back to the same way.

I cut ties with her after being friends for 15 years. Icould easily get in contact with her if i wanted. I just keep telling myself that she's ot my kind of people anymore. In True she's really not.

Just cut ties with her. Don't answer her calls, ignore her messages. What good is she doing for your life anyway?

Btw, i'm not a mean girl either.