please help-Dealing with isolation

This past year my husband and I moved to another state because of his job,and  we also have an empty nest now, (our youngest is in grad school in another state).  My husband travels alot so I am alone alot.

  Plus we just found out we will be moving again to an even more remote area in northern Michigan, about 6 hours from where we live now.  After this last move I sunk into a depression and turned to food for comfort.  I just can't afford to do that again, it is killing me health-wise. I need a plan now to keep myself from sliding down that slippery slope.

 I also have such a hard time making new friends.  I feel so judged for my weight and I feel ashamed as well. Before, we have moved a couple of times, an although it was hard to make friends, my kids were so involved in sports and school activities, those things  always provided a natural connection to other people.

  Plus it seems at my age people pretty much have their social lives sealed up or are busy with family and grandchildren, neither of which I have.  Any suugestions or ideas?  I am already starting to feel sad and overwhelmed about this move.      

ibeckforme,

I wish that i had a tried and true answer for you. I understand how you feel. I am stuck in Northern Idaho after spending the majority of my adulthood  in Eugene Or or Seattle Wa. I miss the city, the life and my friends. I fell into a nasty depression when we came here and what i found was work and volunteering. I was shocked and amazed when people wanted to be my friend (what? fat chicks dont have friends, right?). If there is anything that you feel passionate about or even just enjoy or want to try then there is probably a group for it that you can join. Taking that first leap to go to a meeting or put your name out there is the hardest but the sense of not being alone is so worth it.

I hope that i have helped.

Remember that all your friends here at CC will still be right there with you after your move!!

~Valarie

"chick",

Thanks for your kind and helpful words..  I think I am trying so hard to just figure out me. Almost like I need to re-invent myself. That might sound strange but I was a Mom for along time and now I am just not needed in the same way.  I had just found a job I really liked working in an elementary school as a paraprofessional but I was only there for one year before we were moved. Those jobs are so hard to come by especially in small towns and I was just lucky to have made the right connections.

I just seem to feel like I have either lost the ability to make friends or else my expectations are out of line.  I don't mean to sound like I am feeling sorry for myself.  I think I lack self confidence.  Really, I am thinking I may try volunteering. There is alot of need out there and I would feel much better if I felt like I very making a difference for other people. Jobs are pretty tough to come by right now and maybe that will help me network and lead to a job.  I just know that being home alone so much of the time is not a healthy thing. 

Like you said, I will just need to put myself out there.  After I get passed being disappointed I have to go through this again maybe I will be able to muster the courage to step out again.  I don't know why it is so difficult to keep a mindset of being grateful and appreciative for what we have, but I seem to go the other direction so easily.  I just miss my kids so much and we are all so far away from each other.I knew this day would come but i just didn't prepare for it very well.

Ibeck,

I agree.  Here are a few ideas for you.  Volunteering is a great one.  My mother always says, if you want to have a friend, be a friend. Go where you will MEET PEOPLE. The nursing homes are full of people with no family.  While you are sitting alone watching TV make little gifts or gift baskets or cookies or whatever.  Go to your nearest nursing home and ask the nurse for someone who has no family or someone who might be receptive to having a visitor.  (Remember Fried Green Tomatoes?)  Oh, if you haven't seen that one, it is so appropo(I may not have spelled that one right).

Join a club.  Friends of the Library.  Daughters of the Revolution.  Whatever, read the local paper and find a club you think you'd be interested in.

Take a college course.  Most colleges have fun courses like photography, art, etc.  Ours has all kinds of things, even bowling. 

Go to church.  Join a Sunday school class or Bible class.

Go to the Library.  Ours has all sorts of classes that are interesting, like one on filmmaking, one on Indian lore...etc.

Join a hobby club.  Birdwatching, jewelry making, quilting...wherever your interests lie. 

Join a civic club...Rotary or Lion type clubs (for ladies of course).

Join TOPS.  I know you may not particulary like fat gal clubs, but then there is a common interest immediately ...they have them around here anyway...Take Off Pounds Sensibly.  They also have KOPS...Keep Off Pounds Sensibly.

Join a travel club.  this one takes money.

Volunteer to help someone learn to read.  (they have this at our local library.  Tutors for people who can't read).

Check with your local college for people who need readers or note takers.  My nephew reads books for a blind guy for money at his college.  He takes notes for handicapped students for a small fee...etc.  Do good, earn a little money and meet interesting people at the same time.

Look for a job.  I know this one may take a while in a small town, but a lot of friends come from working together.

Don't get in too big a hurry.  Bad friends can be more traumatic than no friend.

(That's why I like the volunteering angle.  You can quit if you like and no one follows you home.)

Volunteer at a local hospital. 

Become a sitter for hospital.  Pays a little bit and mostly you just sit and be sure people don't get out of bed without help. (Depends on the hospital.  check out what they expect before you start.  Some sitters are expected to feed, turn, take pt to bathroom, etc.  so make sure it is something you can do.)

Usually hospitals will have a sitter list.  Nursing homes do too.  Call and ask.

If you are pretty healthy and strong, take a job as a sitter for person at their home.  Be sure you can do what all the family wants you too.  Usually means helping dress, bathe, feed, move from here to there. 

OK.  That ought to get you started.

Did I mention visit your new neighbors?  Or take  your clothes to the laundromat.  Go to Walmart? 

Invite someone out to supper.  Be bold.  If you are sitting in the dentist's office and strike up a conversation with someone interesting, say you are new in town and would they like to meet for dinner.....  But however you do all this becareful.  There are strange folk out there.

I make friends very easy, but i just don't know where to get them :) Being 28 with a 7 and 11 year old has always put me off with making friends, due to ages, kids ages, etc etc, I'm either 10-15 years younger than people with kids the same age, or the same age as people that just had their first baby.

I strongly suggest a local library! There are so many really interesting things to learn about, and there are usually really interesting people you can meet.

A place I used to go to socialize with strangers are coffee shops. People are usually overly friendly there also.

You can also find volunteer things to do, churches, or food banks, or... idk what else, but they will get you out of the house, force you into meeting and talking with people, and accomplish goods things for other people :)

I haven't had any real friend connections in 4.5 years since we moved from where I grew up. I know all these things I can do to meet people, but then again, I don't do them either.

Maybe I'll even hit my library again this week.

Most importantly... will be to get outside the house. You can find things online now for the next place, volunteer things. Most states have a job bank, and there are a lot of volunteer positions they put in there.

And of course, we will always be here for you :)

Thanks for all the ideas.  I have no excuses now, do I.  I think the biggest thing will be to just get started.  I saved these psots so i can refer to them later on.  Mostly I think I am just a little weary from moving again and I just plain miss my children.  I have a married daughter and a son still in college and we are all just so far  apart...california, michigan , and louisiana.   Too far to drive.  Hoping to see them all at Christmas so that should help.  Thanks again for all the ideas

Hey iBeck, 

I can feel for you, I moved from PA to CA about 10 years ago and I didn't know anyone.  I volunteered to meet people and met some really great people that I'm still friends with.  Volunteermatch.org  is a great site that can help you hook up with volunteer groups all over.  

I also took classes at one of the local community colleges where I met a lot of people and got credits to boot!

You can also join a gym of some sort if the budget allows or see if there is a meetin.org there.  I'm not sure if there is one for where you're going but it can't hurt. 

I personally found after starting my life over from scratch that there is a confidence and freedom that you get from realizing that you've done this once and you can indeed do it again if need be. 

Thanks for the website.  I think I had it at one time.  I know I am going to have to push myself so I might be coming here for a boost.  I will be ok because I was ok before. you are a wise woman

Looks like you have gotten a lot of great advice, I can't think of any thing else to add, 'cept good luck!

I live in the boonies, the closest small town is so "clique"ish. So I can relate.