please help me to find hope again..

Hi there

I have been ‘lurking’ on this forum for the past 2 months now trying to get motivation/inspiration. Anyway, I think now its time to make myself ‘known’ to you all and to desperately ask for your help.

I’m a 5ft5.5” female weighing 84 pounds. I have suffered from an eating disorder for 5 years and im growing so very tired of it. I began with bulimia, then moved to anorexia and compulsive over exercising as a way of controlling my w8. I have been in and out of hospital for 3 years but have been flying solo these past 2 years after having a very traumatic experience with another patient trying to take her own life. Ive tried so hard to increase my weight in this period but have not been successful due to burning more than I was consuming. This is mainly due to developing OCD behaviours which incorporate with the over exercise.

I’ve tried leading a ‘normal’ life by going to college but have now reached breaking point. I walk around 6 hours each day and the people of my neighbourhood ect have started to notice – calling me ‘crazy’. It upsets me so much, I’m an A grade student who has been reduced to a walking maniac. It’s mainly due to the fact that I consistently eat throughout the day, as part of me is trying to gain weight despite the obsession. I eat around 2100 cals a day and then consume around 400 at night due to guilt of over exercise. However I feel so awful and wrong when I eat. My weight hasn’t shifted and the night snack only fuels the next day’s ocd exerciseL.

I want so much to be better. My parents are in limbo as they cannot help me. They want me back in hospital but im terrified of even contacting them due to the previous incident. Also – I can gain weight ect fine in hospital, but come out and loose it. I want to do it on my own this time, as then I know ive done it for me and it will stay on.

Please can you advise/help me? I currently eat around 2500 cals a day – that including the guilty night food. I do 90 mins of dog walking which I love but usually the other stuff I do is all driven by anorexia/ocd.

How much do you think I should eat in order to gain and pretty much eliminate all other exercise (is that healthy??)

How much exercise is normal/acceptable?

Should I seek help? Should I listen to my parents and go into hospital?  I think/feel that there is 1 last big fight in me left…but am I kidding myself?...?

Ooh im so sorry…im so confused and desperate. Any response to my ramblings is welcome.

*hugs!!!*

I think you are very brave for admitting this.

I'm not sure what to do in that situation, though. My only advice would be to try making friends. I think this might not be easy, but being a strange person who likes to engage with other "crazy" people on campus, I know that it is possible. ;-)

I think that making friends, even if you don't tell them about your problem, can be helpful to get your mind off of your OCDness. I'm not exactly prone to OCD, but I know when I'm alone and start thinking I start obsessing over things and it gets pretty bad. =(

The fact that you want to do it by yourself means there is at least one big fight left in you!! Is there another hospital you could go to possibly? It seems to me, though, that if you go back to your paterns after the hospital that particular hospital isn't helping you. Maybe therapy would. I know there are lots of councilors who specialize in this issue and that way you would still be doing it by yourself - giving you confidence - you'd just have someone to talk to about it. (Depending on where you go to school you could even see a school councilor for free!)

But if you choose the therapy route, make sure you don't feel forced to stay in an unproductive relationship. Sometimes it takes a few times to find a therpist that is right for you. It's an intensely personal relationship and you have to like the person you're talking to and have faith in them.

Also, make sure the caliber of food you are eatin is high. If you pig out on chips at night, of course you're going to feel worse for eating it! But lean chicken or broccoli??? I never feel so guilty for eating those things. (I bring this up because it's hard for me to imagine eating 2500 calories of healthy food... even though I've never had an ED.)

The fact that you are concerned and are trying - that is enough reason to believe in yourself. You are certainly worth it, anyway!!!!

<3

bless you, its funny cuz since the OCDness has got worse - i have become more lonely/secluded as it doesnt give time for friends. my life's a friggin schedule! its easier to reach out on an online community that can understand and relate to the whole eating/exercise issue, than my friends here who would probably be scared by it! unfortunately, there's only one adult eating disorder hospital in my area which is funded by the NHS (free basically) and, to be honest, it really was/is rubbish. This doesnt help things! here's my intake for a day - i'll post it in the weight gainers thingy aswell:

Breakfast: porridge made with 150ml alpro light soya milk and hot choc powder, 45g bran flakes with 200ml alpro light soya milk, sultanas, mixed seeds, pear/strawberries  = 420ish kcal

Snack: alpen bar, pear = 160kcal

Lunch: quorn chicken fillets with lemon juice and herbs, wholegrain rice, cabbage/broccoli/carrots/mushrooms = 250ish kcal

2 non fat yoghurts, 2 crackerbreads with butter and chicken = 150kcal

Snack: 40g bran flakes, 200ml alpro light, raisins, mixed seeds, 2 easy peel Clementine’s = 210kcal

Dinner: WW pita bread stuffed with chicken and salad, strawberries, yoghurt, snack a jacks salt and vinegar flavour = 420ish kcal

Snack: 2 crackerbreads with cream cheese = 60kcal

Snack: porridge made with 150ml alpro light soya milk and hot choc powder, yoghurt, 2 easy peel Clementine’s, options hot chocolate, small bag of malteasers = 380kcal

*night snack* : porridge made with 200ml alpro light soya milk and hot choc powder, WW food doctor bagel with spread+4 slices of lean chicken = 420kcal

i thin k thats about right. I love eating clean - pleanty of fruit/veggies/wholegrains/protein. part of my problem is that i feel i must 'earn' my food physically

Dear Suzy Roo,

What I would suggest is to look at what is recommended by professionals for the healthy food your body needs each day.  Also, you want to look at your acceptable BMI.  If it is too low, then you are in danger.  Also, if you are excessivly excercising, than you need to eat more than 2500 calories a day. 

I have also struggled.  What I would suggest is that you let science tell you what your goals should be, and then shoot for a BMI of between 20-25.  Do not let your emotions take you below a BMI of 20.  Maybe this can help you get out of it being subjective for you.

I am sure you are beautiful, no matter what people say.  I struggle with my weight going the opposite direction.  What I have written above is about all that keeps me sane.

For example, it is not a mystery to me that my weight increases when I eat extra calories that I could not possibly burn off.  It is also not a mystery that your weight is dangerously low if you eat much less than you burn, or you are eating just enough to stay at 84 lbs.  I am scared sometimes to eat less.  Maybe, you are scared to eat more.

I hope you find peace.  A lot of people out there feel like they are in the trenches with their weight everyday. 

:)

It sucks that the only hospital in your area sucks. =/ But I think then you're doing the best you can, which is online support.

You don't have to explain it to your friends, just hang out with them more. Get to know their friends. The more you're away from thinking about yourself, and the less time you have to exercise, the better off you'll be getting to a more healthy lifestyle physically and mentally.

It seems like you clearly have a good idea of what to eat as far as nutrition goes and that your OCD really does you in. I know a quick and easy way to add some calories that are very healthy is peanuts/peanut butter. You don't have to eat much of it and maybe the small quantity will help you deal with it? (To me, a small quantity always fools me, and I over eat it! lol! Possibly it will have the opposite affect for you?)

Just by living you burn calories, just remember that! You could probably burn off all the calories you eat in a day just by living. O_O!

Perhaps you could reward you exercise instead and change your thinking that way? Maybe say that you're only going to exercise off 1000 calories today. But if you do 1500, let yourself have a cookie?

Unfortunately, I'm really out of my league on this one. I hope that any of this helps, even if it is on that someone is listening.

Hi Suzyroo!

Your situation really resonated with me, not only for the fact that you have basically exactly the same stats as me!! (5ft6, 83/4 lbs, female) but the stage that you are at in recovery. Although it sounds like your fight has been a lot longer than mine to get better. I have "been trying" to get better since about Feb but I'm pretty sure my heart wasn't really in it- I only ended up losing more weight and feeling like my behaviour was less and less my own ie.more controlled by the ed, compulsive starjumps and running around my house when noone was in etc.

Anyway...I think the last bit of weight lost has really put my brain under a lot of strain and the depression has got pretty bad, I can feel fine sometimes but very very easily am irritated and will suddenly break down in uncontrollable tears. I too really really really want to get better and find myself, my friends and my life again, and know that weight gain is essential. I have been given the option of inpatient treatment but also really really want to do this on my own so I feel like it's me making the decisions and actually recovering rather than being "forced" to recover which could result in relapse. But- I don't know if this is the ed deluding me as my mum keeps saying to me, I'm giving myself 1 last chance to gain weight (like 2 weeks to actually see the numbers going up consistently) or else I know the right thing to do is go for the hospital option.

    I currently am working in a hotel/restaurant with a pretty random timetable but that is help keep my mind off things and forcing me to come into contact with people although it's pretty active but this week I'm finding that I feel like I can let myself relax in the afternoons (although my thoughts are very much consumed with thinking about food etc.) at home other than walking the dog for 30mins-1 hour a day- and feel more like I can eat more as I'm working hard whereas when I was just sitting at home I couldn't and negative thoughts kept creeping in. Sooooo sorry this has kind of ended up being a " I know how you feel and how desperate and confused you feel" trapped in this I really want to get better but being so restricted by the ed position.

Maybe we could be support buddies? Helping each other out and push forwards with recovery? How old are you by the way?

Sending lots of courage- fight the good fight!!

tincognito - i do have p.b - straight from the jar though. i tend to taste things - little bites here and there. i try and compensate the exercise i do with the very late bagel snack, but when the morning comes, so do the guilty feeling. i also really enjoy it, so sometimes over exercise just so i can eat it...

headingup - we wre very much alike! i used to be 5ft6.5 but my mum measured 5ft5.5 the other day (but that could be wrong!!)i also used to exercise like crazy in the house when i was restricted activity and my 'rents were out. Now though, i just go out. Im 18 so officially 'an adult'. it's so tough - we know what we have to do, just the ed (i call mine Rex) distorts things so much, we go out of our way to do the opposite!!??? I'm 18 - had this since 13 and..to be honest, im still 13 stuck in an older body. I cant make adult decisions and just wish i could be a carefree kid again. it's so sad