Please help me

Dear Users:

I truly need some advice. One month ago I met someone online. Quickly it escalated into a "phone relationship". I told him from the start that I had weight problems, but that I was losing my weight at a healthy pace (I have lost almost 10 kgs this month). He said he was madly in love with my personality, my beliefs (...) and that my physical appearance would be irrelevant. Today I finally decided to meet him in person and afterwards he sent me a text saying: "I cannot imagine myself loving someone with your weight. I have never met someone like you, but still can we be just friends?" This was the first person I have ever met, from all the boyfriends I have had, with whom I thought of having a future. I feel shattered... I just need to have someone explaining me why did this happen, if I was so honest from the start! I don't have any friends with weight problems, so I cannot rely on them for an opinion, as to begin with they love me with or without weight and cannot be objective. Hence, I beg all of you to ease my pain and let me understand if this was my fault.

With gratitude,

Veronica

Wow, what a shallow little turd.

Some people are shallow. Some people are just jerks. You have a right to be angry and upset. I'd be too. You were honest with him and clearly he didn't believe you.

I promise you, though, not all boys are like that. Some boys are mature.

Wow. Forget that guy! You were honest with him and he probably was expecting something else. You will find someone else! This is not your fault at all, he is SHALLOW.

Original Post by hkellick:

Wow, what a shallow little turd.

Some people are shallow. Some people are just jerks. You have a right to be angry and upset. I'd be too. You were honest with him and clearly he didn't believe you.

I promise you, though, not all boys are like that. Some boys are mature.

 Yes, this as well!

There is no way this was your fault at all. The sad truth of it is, is that sometimes people just aren't physically attracted to other people even though they're attracted to their personalities. I don't agree with it necessarily but you can't change the way someone feels.

But I think if he truly felt the way he said he felt he would get to know you better face to face, and eventually he would grow physically attracted to you.  It's not your fault.. he just didn't want to give you a chance. There's no way to say why.

Of course it's not your fault - the guy is obviously just a git.

You have the right to be upset. But also, people can not control who they are attracted to. You were honest with him so try not to be too upset. He was obviously expecting something else. You can't control how other people feel. You know you're a good person so he isn't worth your time. The right person will come along. 

Hi Veronica,

Somebody this shallow is undeserving of your pain.  I promise you that no matter what you weigh, there are many men out there who will love you for you, and you don't want to be doing with those that don't.  So try not to waste too much emotion on him - the best thing you can do is move on and don't let him distract you from your healthy path.  There will be others much more worthy of your regard,

PS well done on that 10kgs!

Ax

EDIT - I've been on dates where the guy simply never calls again.  And being human, I tend to waste a lot of thought on what it might have been that caused his initial enthusiasm to wane.  At least your date has been brave enough to let you know, so you can put it down to experience and move on

This was by no means your fault! If he's that shallow, honey, he is definitely not worth spending the rest of your life with. Imagine if you slimmed down, then had a baby and started going up again? Would he decide then that you weren't attractive?

And by the way I'm sure you are attractive. Don't let this guy get you down.

Your only fault was to build him up into something he clearly wasn't.  Your expectations were too high.  Next time you'll be wiser, a little less eager and you'll go in with both eyes open.

We've all had the experience where meeting someone turns out to be a disappointment, for whatever reason, and we have to say 'sorry, this isn't going to work out'.  There's no good way to let someone down gently but it can be done tactfully.  To specifically point the finger at your appearance (even if that's how he really felt) was completely unnecessary and has only added insult to injury.  There's being 'brutally honest' and there's being 'crass & shallow'.. he could have been more sensitive.   I do hope you've broken off the online friendship because he sounds very ungentlemanly.

text back.... "thats fine, I could never imagine myself with someone so insecure, shallow, and disgusting."

He isn't the man you wanted him to be. Look, there are people out there who do understand and appreciate the true value of a human and beauty at all weights. I swear it. DO NOT sell yourself short settling for shallow pieces of junk like THIS GUY (and that's what he is, give him no more credit than that) because you will only further hurt your self esteem. Your response to this guy should be "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought you were a real man. I cannot imagine loving someone with your ineptitude." He's a crap.

But the real ones ARE out there. I always made guys into way more than they were, and they weren't much by what I was hanging out with at the time, and I always felt like I was the one with something to lose, the one who owed them. Bullcrap, they were lucky to know me. I just wish I'd realized this before I made so many mistakes.

Don't make mistakes like I did. And this guy? He's a mistake.

luzavila-

I absolutely agree with everybody said.

I remember being 250 pounds when I was 21 or 22 years old.  I was walking into McDonalds when a car load of 6 guys drove by.  One of the guys yelled out, "Hey-you ever hear of Jenny Craig?" I was mortified. I cried that whole night and all the next day. Then I soon thought and thought. What that little incident did was actually catapult me into a healthy diet regimen. I was determined to lose the weight. I pounded the pavement and soon began to lift small weights for toning. As a result of my determination to lose the weight, I felt better, happier, had a lot more confidence and I managed to keep the weight off.

Men can be selfish and cruel.  A lot of women have experienced being battered, cheated on, lied to, and ditched. This was clearly one of those "lessons learned" that you want someone to love you for YOU, not how you look.

I'll bet you're beautiful on the inside and out.

Dear users:

Allow me to express all my gratitude for all your replies. Every single one of them was quite kind. Gi-Jane, I must agree with you. You see, my dad died recently leaving me with not the duty, but the previlege of providing for my family, while my mother was slowly diving into a gargantuan depression (and I was eating more than I should). More aware of all the suffering that exists beyond my own life, I also decided to become a volunteer, to help others like my father and of course their families. To disguise my own grief, I attempted to help others surpassing theirs. Obviously, one cannot disguise a feeling forever and suddenly I wanted someone to take care of me, to love me, to make the pain go away. Hence, when someone came along with love promises, speaking of spending the rest of his life with me, I chose to believe him... and to keep my eyes wide shut.

Anyhow, I do believe (or hope) that I will not make the same mistake once again. I really thank you with all my heart from all your support. It was my first participation in this forum and I am quite happy to have found it.

With my gratitude,

Veronica

He was told about the weight, CLAIMED he was in love with your personality, only to later reject you based on the weight he already said wasn't an issue?

I think this guy is one of those sick ***** who get a kick out of toying with people psychologically. A mind sadist. Forget him.

Original Post by bikini_in_december:

text back.... "thats fine, I could never imagine myself with someone so insecure, shallow, and disgusting."

 YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Original Post by mypuppymylife:

luzavila-

I absolutely agree with everybody said.

I remember being 250 pounds when I was 21 or 22 years old.  I was walking into McDonalds when a car load of 6 guys drove by.  One of the guys yelled out, "Hey-you ever hear of Jenny Craig?" I was mortified. I cried that whole night and all the next day. Then I soon thought and thought. What that little incident did was actually catapult me into a healthy diet regimen. I was determined to lose the weight. I pounded the pavement and soon began to lift small weights for toning. As a result of my determination to lose the weight, I felt better, happier, had a lot more confidence and I managed to keep the weight off.

Men can be selfish and cruel.  A lot of women have experienced being battered, cheated on, lied to, and ditched. This was clearly one of those "lessons learned" that you want someone to love you for YOU, not how you look.

I'll bet you're beautiful on the inside and out.

 Wow--that was a great way to turn an ugly situation positive!

The Lord blessed you by showing you early that you were dealing with a real d_ head (sorry, Jesus ;). He's helping you prepare, so that you can identify the real thing when it finally happens.

Original Post by coffincritter:

He was told about the weight, CLAIMED he was in love with your personality, only to later reject you based on the weight he already said wasn't an issue?

I think this guy is one of those sick ***** who get a kick out of toying with people psychologically. A mind sadist. Forget him.

Agree! yes, Mental warfare! throw him out like old newspaper and work on bettering yourself... heck it's some great motivation to lose the weight.. Revenge weight loss works! trust me! just visualize him seeing you after you have reached your goals, even if you don't - who cares it's all for you anyway, it's all about you... :) 

You deserve a guy who will love ALL of you!  Clearly, he wasn't the guy, but they ARE out there!  Forget him, and move on.

I do think he redeemed himself a little by being honest in telling you it wasn't there for him- at least he didnt' string you along or leave you hanging.  He could have been much more sensitive though.   

I would also add... next time, don't believe any guy who says he's madly in love with you before he's even met you. Not because all guys are shallow but just that it takes time to become "madly in love" with anyone and telling you on the phone after only a month strikes me as creepy, not romantic.