Please help on my relationship drama...kinda long

Can somebody help me please? I am confused and stressed over my relationship! I'm on the verge of breaking down..my boyfriend and I have been together almost 4 years. He is or i should say was the perfect guy..we spoke about marriage before, we could talk for hours on the phone, in person, hang out and just be happy to be around each other. But lately it has been different. He works a lot, we barely talk like we used to, he acts like he's rather be working than be with me. I only saw him once this week and the day he had off he still had to go do something. I got to the point that i was fed up and told him we should just break things off because i feel like he is not into me like he used to be and is acting different. When i said this to him he got really sad, told me he loves me and wants to marry me and said im his soul mate. And he was on the verge of tears...but what i don't get is...if he says on those things, then why does he act this way? He used to spend so much time with me and we'd go out together, with friends or w/o friends. Now he acts like he can't be bothered. He gets annoyed easily and it's like we always fight over little things. We're not on the same page anymore. What do i do? Right now I am home alone...he is out somewhere- i don't even know where. I want to cry. And he says he wants to move in with me..yea right and act like this??? What am i supposed to do? I don't want to be with someone that doesnt act like he wants to be with me :(

Maybe you are being too sensitive and naggy.  A guy who works long hours to support his woman should be thanked and supported, not bitched at for not paying enough attention to you.  If you're telling him you think you should break up, how is he supposed to feel about that?  Glad that he's working hard to give you a good life?

Why don't you try being more grateful for what you have?  Showing some more affection?  Instead of criticizing him for "acting like he doesn't want to be with you" -- which is totally you projecting on him, by the way, if a guy doesn't want to be with you, he'll leave -- why not cut him some slack and be a good woman to him?  Good lord, woman, you're torturing this guy.  Be nice, treat him well, and things will turn around.  I promise.

Wow...calm down...
Who said he's supporting her anyways?

Just joined today, no profile, no other posts....hmmm.

well,maybe you could look at this from his point of view. i'll be moody and tired if i had to work all day. not to mention super irritable. if i were him , i would like to just lay in, relax and not squabble with my girlfriend.

He probably loves you just as much as last time. It's just,well,work stresses up a lot of ppl/

Alas stinkypillow, she said she had only seen him once in the week and on his day off he still had something to do.  Seems to me he is not staying in with her at all.

In any case, stress can make people edgy and they may not realize they are taking it out on someone else.  It is natural to react to this and be cranky ones self.

What I want to know about this guy is - did he say why he is working long hours?  Did he express a time line?  "this should ease up in a few weeks when X is done"

Working long hours is not always a sign someone is avoiding you.  But you are within your rights to seek some clarification.  If he cant or wont do that, then it is wise to question  if you could spend your life with someone who always has a priority above you.  Be it work, or be it just being honest about what is going in in his mind.

That is not to say an So is always top priority, life isnt that rosey.  But that one should be a big enough priority that SO steps up and makes it a point to find time to be with you, even when life gets dicey. 

You're not on the same chapter, let alone the same page... .  You're still in the 'hearts and flowers', 'first flush' chapter.... you like attention, being treated specially, the closeness of a new relationship, the long chats etc..  He's moved on to the 'old pair of slippers' chapter where he's rather taking you for granted, doesn't think he needs to state his love too often or make too much of an effort.... he's married to you already in his eyes.

  If you ploughed straight in with  ".....fed up and told him we should just break things off because i feel like he is not into me like he used to be and is acting different"   then you've probably caught him right on the back foot.  He's clearly quite happy the way things are, he's got plans to move in and it wouldn't occur to him that you weren't happy with the same arrangement.

Four years into any relationship you can find things get a little stale if you don't both make an effort to keep the romance alive.  You could ask him to diarise a romantic weekend or an evening out if he seems to be busy all the time.  Find other things to do together where you can spend time with each other.  And I'd also suggest that you make more of a social life for yourself when he's not around.... it's good for couples to have their own interests.

Ultimately, however, you have to decide if it's all worth it. 

It would help to know the age of the OP...summer, how old are you & how old is your bf?

Original Post by hotrebeccainmesa:

It would help to know the age of the OP...summer, how old are you & how old is your bf?

 Also need to know why bf is working so many hours. What kind of job too. That makes a difference.

My SO sometimes will work tremendous hours for several weeks or months at a time and then have a light schedule for several months. I do get lonely when he has to work so much. He isn't able to spend much time with me then and on the rare day he has off during those times, he is so tired that he isn't much fun. He's a welder and does construction type jobs. His work is physical and the days are often 10-12 hours during a project.

Go read "The Five Love Languages." This sounds like a classic case of "We don't express our love for each other the same way." You feel loved when someone spends quality time with you. Maybe he feels that he is expressing his love for you by working hard to keep your lives positive (this could be way off, as you don't live together, maybe he is not supporting you or spending money on you in any way). The book talks about how people express their love in 5 basic ways and usually expect love to be expressed to them the same way. I.E.: If spending quality time with you makes you feel loved, you expect that it makes him feel loved too. However, some people feel loved other ways, like when someone buys them a gift, or does the dishes for them, or tells them how good they look today, etc. Once you get out of the "warm and fuzzy" part of your relationship, people tend to fall back into their own tendancies, and aren't focused on the other person as much as they were. That doesn't mean they don't love the other person, but everybody has a life, right?

I think what you need to do is ask WHY is he working so much? Does his job require it, as moonikins said? Or is he choosing to work that much and if so, why? If he thinks he is expressing his love for you by working hard to provide for you, than you saying that you should break up is a slap in the face, like saying all his hard work doesn't mean anything to you. (which is maybe why lysistrata is in such a tizzy o.O)  Talk to him!

Original Post by hotrebeccainmesa:

It would help to know the age of the OP...summer, how old are you & how old is your bf?

Yeah I was curious about that too.

Ya know, warning bells went off as soon as you started talking about this "perfect guy." Nobody's perfect, and if you fall for a fantasy you'll always be disappointed by reality.

What you need to do? Talk to this guy instead of posting to us. Let him know how you feel and what changes you guys need to make if the relationship is going to have a future.

Hi Summer, I sympathize with you!  This is hard!

I've heard it said that Americans (I'm one, too) are very invested in the idea of unending passion and transcendent love, and that we have trouble moving from being 'in love' with someone to simply 'loving' them.  This is a transition that all relationships go through, if they survive long enough.  It's a good transition!  Problems like yours are not relationship-enders, and can be worked out.  I agree with the above posters who've said you need to talk to your SO about this, and also to plan some time just for the two of you.  My SO and I plan time to watch funny movies, and we promise each other not to think about work during that time, but just to laugh and be together. 

To the person that said chill out, he is supporting me...well no he is NOT supporting me. We dont live together. We are both 22. He is working a regular job just to make money but not in his 'career' yet so its not like he has to do all these hours. He doesnt even make much at this job anymore cause it's the winter. We were thinking of moving in together before but now not so much. I am not asking him to stop working or anything...just that it can feel like before...like if i were in an actual relationship cause it doesnt feel like it

If you are both 22, have you both graduated from college? If that is the case, and if this is his first job, I would say not to be too hard on him. This is new for him to hold down a regular job. He may be stressed, depressed, etc.

Instead of tackling him and saying things like, "You don't act like a real boyfriend, we never see eachother, etc.," try wording your message in a more positive way. "Hey, I feel like we haven't been able to see eachother as much, I miss hanging out." Also, try slowly worming your way back into his schedule. Maybe make Friday or Saturday night an "out" night, whether it be seeing a movie, dancing, getting drinks, renting a movie at home, whatever.

I know it is very hard to be nice and calm when you feel ignored. I personally get pretty pissy myself if I feel I'm ignored. But, if the few times he gets to hang out you act pissy, well, what is he going to think? Show him what the hell he's been missin! :)

I gotta tell ya... if you are talking about marriage, you are potentially in for a whole world of problems worse than this.  There's always conflict when you decide to tie your life in with someone else's and if your first instinct is to suggest breaking up everytime a significant problem arises, you're in for a big surprise in the next few years.

Relationships evolve, and while you should strive to stay in love and should always make the relationship a priority, you also have to accept the fact that it's not always going to be as magical as it was 24/7 in the beginning.  Life gets in the way of romance every once in awhile.  Grown-up adults simply do not have time to talk for hours on the phone and hang out whenever the other wants to. 

I agree with the other posters that you have to vocalize in a calm, rational way, and most importantly, have a solution!  Just saying, "well, we may as well break up" is NOT conducive to a successful long term relationship.  You WILL have problems in the future, and you need to start finding ways to communicate them to your man and approach them together in a positive manner.  Otherwise the relationship is doomed.  It's okay to feel lonely and a little put-out, but your way is not the best way to fix that situation.

Original Post by merylwhite1:

Original Post by hotrebeccainmesa:

It would help to know the age of the OP...summer, how old are you & how old is your bf?

Yeah I was curious about that too.

Ya know, warning bells went off as soon as you started talking about this "perfect guy." Nobody's perfect, and if you fall for a fantasy you'll always be disappointed by reality.

What you need to do? Talk to this guy instead of posting to us. Let him know how you feel and what changes you guys need to make if the relationship is going to have a future.

 im sorry...i know no1s perfect..whats i meant by that is he pretty much had everything i want in a guy. But yea i understand i shouldnt set my expectations too high cause they will let me down...and the more i've been in a relationship, the more i learn and grow and understand with my mistakes. Ummm we've talked a little about it so far but my whole thing is i dont trust guys so we have trust issues...idk

 To BrTaylor...Can you explain why you said if we are thinking of marriage we are doomed? Are we not supposed to think about marriage? I dont understand..he is the one that has brought marriage up..not me. I never really speak about that, but i agree when he says it. Thats about it..and what is the big surprise im in for? I dont suggest breaking up everytime we fight? Where did you get that from? All in all in the 4 yrs we've been together it's been great..just lately we have been having these problems but for the most part we barely fight. But thank you for the advice..can u just explain.

And thanks everyone here, i will take all of yours advice with the communicating. Instead of getting mad at him i will just tell him how i feel in a nicer way. And from now on I am not even going to question him about his long working hours, i will just keep myself busy from now on w/ friends and stuff...and my own job.

Summer, that is a good idea. Keep yourself busy. Develop hobbies and interests. Keep active. Don't sit around an wait to be entertained.

I read what you said and it is possible that he is trying to save money and get ahead so you guys can have a nice place. I think you're moving past the I have to be with him every spare minute phase of the relationship.

Let him know you care about him, and that you are lonely when he's gone so much. I remember when I told B that I felt lonely and missed him when he worked so many hours. It was a release for me and it was reassurance to him. Now we have settled into more of an ebb and flow. I know that in several weeks he's going to have to take an out of town 6 week assignment somewhere. It's coming and we both know it. I just told him I'd be OK, but I'd be glad when it was over. Then I teased him about what a SLOB I'd be while he was gone and reminded him to make sure he warned me if he was coming home early so I could make the place livable again.

Good luck.

I agree with Moonikins, keep yourself busy, basically 'get a life' outside of him and keep it moving, when he notices that you've got your own thing going on, he will not only respect that you are an independent women, but he will try to 'get your attn' as you are trying to get his ;) ... also, agree with Muttlover, your only 22 why so much pressure of getting married? not a good idea trust me, been there done that and that was a big two thumbs down... 

Original Post by summerlin3:

 To BrTaylor...Can you explain why you said if we are thinking of marriage we are doomed? Are we not supposed to think about marriage? I dont understand..he is the one that has brought marriage up..not me. I never really speak about that, but i agree when he says it. Thats about it..and what is the big surprise im in for? I dont suggest breaking up everytime we fight? Where did you get that from? All in all in the 4 yrs we've been together it's been great..just lately we have been having these problems but for the most part we barely fight. But thank you for the advice..can u just explain.

 Re-read my post. I didn't say you were doomed if you were thinking of marriage.   I said if you are thinking of marriage, you will most likely come across problems worse than this one (in your marriage).   Like I said, when you spend your life with someone, your problems become their problems, and vice versa.  All I was trying to convey is, if you are serious about the relationship, you both need to learn to deal with conflict, because you will face it again.

If, as you said, you barely fight, then suggesting you break up during this one instance (to me) seems a like an extreme reaction... that's all I was trying to say.   It's not a card you want to play regularly- and I'm not saying you DO, just cautioning you. 

Maybe I missed something in the OP, but to me it sounded as though you suffered in silence while he was putting in all those hours, then just burst out with the break-up suggestion and took him completely by surprise.  Sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick though.

Original Post by brtaylor:

I gotta tell ya... if you are talking about marriage, you are potentially in for a whole world of problems worse than this.  There's always conflict when you decide to tie your life in with someone else's and if your first instinct is to suggest breaking up everytime a significant problem arises, you're in for a big surprise in the next few years.

Relationships evolve, and while you should strive to stay in love and should always make the relationship a priority, you also have to accept the fact that it's not always going to be as magical as it was 24/7 in the beginning.  Life gets in the way of romance every once in awhile. 

 Bingo. When you're committed to the long-term, the "break-up" option never even pops into your head. You start looking for solutions instead. I think that's the problem today, with the huge divorce rates. People jump in (and then back out) faster because that Exit sign called "Divorce" has become the norm. People just wait until it's too late, then say it's broken and can't be fixed. And by that time, maybe it is.

To the OP, maybe you are looking for a reason to break up? Surely it wasn't all peachy for four years straight, so why the "We might have to break-up" now? Is it JUST that he's working more and you're not spending time together? Or are there other things? Sometimes in our irritation with people, we tend to push them away instead of looking to form a stronger bond.

On another note, I find that once the "break-up" thought has been introduced, it's like an annoying little voice in the back of your head that never goes away. Now it's on the table, an option that you keep considering. And sometimes it just keeps looking better and better. Not to mention the effect on your boyfriend, now that he knows you are having doubts. I'm sure he's stressed. (NOT to say this is your fault, I'm not pointing fingers. But relationships are two sided and therefore, many times problems exist on both sides, not just one).