please read these words

I actually posted this in my journal, but i feel like my words could act as inspiration to others if they are looking for some. Ever since I wrote this journal my mind has been so much clearer, and I've stopped logging my calories. I'm regaining my normal life back, and I'm starting to become happy once again.-

I said it at the beginning of november, that I wanted to change, but I didn't know how and wasn't sure I can do it but now, I know im ready.

I'm sick of eating disorders. I'm sick of obsessively counting calories. I'm sick of planning my food in my head before I even eat it. I'm tired of constantly worrying about how many calories are in my food and what I can do to burn it off. I'm tired of having a flat chest, backside, and hair. I'm tired of my pants always falling down!!!

The point is, I think I'm ready. I had my first session with a therapist ever today, and I let out as much as I could. I didn't tell any lies, or even stretch the truth; I was as honest as I could be. She didn't say a lot, but told me to keep a journal to control the thoughts I get about food, (basically all those negative ED thoughts) so we could talk about why I get them and what we can do to stop them from coming. I want to establish a healthy relationship with food again. It's in my life, and I'm blessed to have a chef for a mother, who makes such wonderful, healthy and delicious food. I know it won't happen overnight, but I really am determined this time. I'm not going to give up on exercise, but not focus my workouts on burning off a ridiculous amount of calories anymore.

My goal is to just be able to eat what I want and have no worries about what I'm eating. For example, I want to be able to accept a cookie from someone without having to take out something later because I had the extra calories. Just because I want to eat anything I want doesn't mean I'm just going to stuff my face with crap, but I want to be able to eat good, healthy food, AND dessert too. 

Also, I'm fine with gaining weight, as long as it's not too much or overnight, which I know won't happen because I'm very athletic. I'm 105 now for 5'7", and that's not okay. I don't want to be known as the really skinny or bony girl (not that I am now). I want my curves back though. I feel confident that this will be hard, but I'm going to come out on top of this, because I am so fortunate to have the love and support of a big family and many friends.

I will grow and become stronger from this. I will use this disgusting, twisted disease called anorexia (and eating disorders i general) as something to grow from. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, I don't think I've cried more than in the past few months. Being a teenager is already a pain in the ass, but I've learned that everyone has some personal struggle they must fight during this age. And the strongest come out on top of it, and become great. I want that to be me. What has this eating disorder ever done for me but brought me sadness and pain? I want my old self back again, but this time, I will come out as a greater person. Once I overcome this, I'll be able to take on anything, because I can't imagine a harder situation than trying to break an addiction.

completely relatable, peole shoul read the whole thing, not skip any lines, it's a vent for everyone

thanks a heaps! good job :)

heya, awsome post :) itll definetly be an inpiration to anyone wanting to go down the recovery road!! good luck with it all, u seem really determined and positive and cause u actually WANT to recover i think u definetly will :)

keep positive and focus on ur future ( ed free :))!!

Original Post by holbee:

completely relatable, peole shoul read the whole thing, not skip any lines, it's a vent for everyone

thanks a heaps! good job :)

thanks! it's so good to know that my experience can truly help someone else :)

Be proud of yourself for getting yourself well. :)