Poll on Relationship status/being single/personality transformations...

i am SO sorry because all i have been posting about for weeks is my break-up. but it helps to hear other experiences/perspectives.

I just have some questions...

1. who is single? who enjoys it? who hates it? how old are you? have you had previous serious relationships?

2. who is happy in a relationship? When and how did it happen? (i know some of you have answered this before)

3. anyone ever get over a really bad break up and end up meeting someone else and being HAPPIER than you were before? 

4. Any suggestions on getting over a break up?

---I am really interested in the top 4. the 5th is long-winded so please just skip it if you dont have the time. its about abrupt personality transformations.---

5. a new twist on my break-up--my Ex boyfriend has completely taken on a new personality--i mean i have never seen a transformation like this. he hasnt slept in days and days apparently, he decided he wants to be famous. he guarantees he is going to be on Conan O'Brien in a few months. He says he doesnt have to worry about money anymore because he'll find it. he doesnt eat. he looks so thin. he is happier than ever though. he told me he is happy in his new life and i should be too, blah blah. i know he's already sleeping/seeing several girls--maybe just one now--i know for sure at least one but it seemed like more...

he is in this crazy high mood every second...he sees "art" in everything. He says our break-up was art, like we're like sid and nancy (which we're obviously not)---he wants to just be famous. he wants to make a documentary on how he is getting famous--he has so many ideas. to be honest, he always was able to get large audiences...he's performed at bars and stuff, just being quirky and crazy--he is usually well-received and he loves to be hated as well. he really is charismatic. but still, this is insane...like he talks for hours and hours and hours to anyone, he doesnt even REMEMBER we were together for almost 5 years. its like it doesnt register--he treats me like another figure of art in his life.

some people are worried he is manic-depressive, although he never has acted this extreme--he never has had lows either... but maybe he truly just had an ephiphany and now knows what he wants to do? has this happened to anyone before? i mean a year ago, he was dedicated to law school--now he just treats everything different. he even has no patience for stuff he used to love, like fantasy football, or i dont know--ME.

opinions?

What you're describing about him does sound as though he could have a mental illness. Young adulthood is when mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder and schizophrenia usually emerge.

really? i mean my mom's dad was bipolar and for years she said she saw a bit of it in nick, but i mean, nick was so consistently happy that i never agreed--but she said even just the times he would drink and go crazy could indicate it a bit...(which still doesnt make sense to me)--

but it was like, he was acting weirder and weirder for months, especially the last week before our break up--like not like him AT ALL. (he also has been smoking a lot of pot, which i dont see how it could change anything..)- then the weekend he broke up with me, he was very awful to his family which was really weird--he also started sounding super arrogant--again, very unusual. he was always hyper and a bit cocky with his hyperness, but always humble--so then he broke up with me, and he did feel sad a bit--i know he cried and he never cries--so anyways, then all of a sudden, bam--he suddenly was on top of the world. and now he doesnt sleep, he talks about being famous constantly...he talks about how he is bigger than Nietzsche, how he is the only one outside the box, how no one elses dialogue is on par with his--he calmed down a bit after the crazy weekend of his rants...but he still is saying the same stuff--that the world has to know Nick, that anyone who rejects him is a loser, that he can offer you fame if you follow him...he doesnt even play an instrument! or act! he wants to be famous because of his personality--which IS loud and crazy and charismatic. i mean he definitely is a crowd-pleaser.

anyways, i dont know anything about manic behavior...its weird how he doesnt sleep anymore or eat. its weird how arrogant he is suddenly--

Yes, really. Some with bipolar get very depressed but don't get the full-blown mania; I had a friend like that. I imagine that the converse could also be true -- getting manic, without the deep lows some others get. And I haven't kept up on the effects of pot on the brain and personality, but I thought I recall something about it having an effect on some people's personalities.

Average age of onset of bipolar and schizophrenia is something like 17-28, IIRC, but you could easily check that online.

#3!! I was friends with a guy in college, then we dated, I thought we were great together, and then it ended terribly - all the more hurtful because he'd been an awesome friend and I'd lost that friendship. It killed me to have lost something that seemed so irreplaceable. I then met, dated, got engaged to, and 12 years ago married a more incredibly perfect-for-me man than I'd previously thought existed. I am happier with him than I ever thought I could be and he loves me, actually, we love each other in a way I didn't think really happened in real life.

Hang in there, don't let the hurt keep you down, move on and know that there are better things in store for both of you somewhere (maybe not so far even) down the road. Focus on positive things and believe with your whole heart that this is best for everyone and that everything will definitely be A-OK.

I can't say much about his mental state, but it sounds like you need to find a more responsible and stable friend. The drug use is not excusable or OK. And I'm no expert but it sounds to me like he's moved into abusing more serious drugs that might be contributing to his personality change, sleeping/eating patterns, etc.

My opinion, run don't walk, as far away from this guy as you can get.  Whether his insanity is drug induced or not doesn't really matter.  You don't want to be committed to someone this unstable.  Also my opinion only, but the next phase could very well be that he decides that he's made a horrible mistake and he can't live without you.  And that you and you alone hold the key to is happiness.  This, of course, will just be another one of his temporary delusions.  Save yourself the trouble and heartache by severing all ties at once.  Somewhere out there is a guy that will make you truely happy.

Wow, Tom. Frank, much? Even though it seems you're judging him a little harshly, Tom, I agree with you.

Laura, he needs help.

 

EDIT: Got your name wrong, sorry! 

i just can't handle the constant scroll bar in my head repeating his name "nick nick nick nick" it flashes, then "he doesnt love you, he left you, your whole life has changed, you dont have your best friend anymore, he isnt yours, you arent his"

i mean this is in my head all day. but yes, it was very difficult but i think i have come to terms with the fact that i cannot ever trust him again. i can't be with him again. i mean for him to get me back, (which i really dont ever see him trying to do)--it would take like 5 years of him demonstrating his sanity before i even consider it...i mean i really really wish things could be different but i think i know they cant be. but its still so hard. i still miss him, even though he isnt even on this planet anymore--not the nick i knew. not the nick who i felt so connected to...

Laura, I agree with the above people.  He may not be manic depressive or bi-polar, but it sounds like something is not firing right in his brain.

The best thing you can hope for is that someone close to him can get him help.

oh, girl, you will definitely be OK - because now that you've identified that voice in your head, the one that is shaping all of your thoughts about this, and obsessing over Nick, you NOW know you have the power to change what that voice in your head is saying!! good for you!!

NOW CHANGE THE SCRIPT!

change the words scrolling in your head. change it to say "i don't need nick to be happy" "nick needs to go get his life in order with out me" "i'm lucky to be free of someone so unstable in my life" "this frees the way for good, smart, fun, reliable people to enter my life" "Nick needs to follow his path, I need to follow mine"... get the idea?

#2 I'm in a happy relationship, we've been together for almost 3 yrs (in December). I actually met him at a gas station. I looked at him ,he looked at me, asked for my # the rest is history. I think one of them main things that contributes to having a happy relationship is that I've learned to be more independent, with my last relationships I was always so clingy.

#3 Actually my last relationship ended very suddenly because of something I did that I am ashamed of, anyhow I was very heartbroken and distraught because I thought I would never find a man as good as him. Then about 4 months later I met my fiance and I could never be happier! Plus, what made the break-up worse was that he had a new girlfriends weeks after we broke-up and got married a li'l over a year later!!

#4 One thing that helped be cope with the break-up was to surround myself with people. If I was left alone all I did was cry but when I was with friends they kept me distracted.

Its heartwarming to know that people on an internet cal counting site can diagnose skitzo tendancies from just a post that an ex gf typed about. We know nothing of the whole story or what really went on about this person, some people just come off differently due to different personalitys doesn't always mean they have a mental illness. I think you need to move on quit stressing out so much and start living your life.

carrihound, i DO need to change the script. that is something i can actively try to do. thank you.

chix, trust me, i kept thinking nick was losing his mind and then i would think "well you're an irrational, upset exgirlfriend" but i mean, his closest friend is worried--one of the ones who always encouraged nick's behavior, his mom is crying everyday, his sister is worried--but yeah, who knows. maybe he truly just had an ephiphany and he is happier than ever. either way, i havent seen anything like it. but i do keep reminding myself, everything i see is distorted because of emotion.

Chix, does he seem stable and rational to you?

He sounds whacked, but that doesnt mean he is. He could just be going through a rough spot in his life where he doesnt know what he wants to do with it or how to go about it so he just acts all happy go lucky but is dying inside. I have seen many ppl go through this sorta midlife crisis but at a young age doesnt always mean they need medicated heavily to control this.

chix123, please REREAD my post. Oh, heck, here, I'll repost what I said, and emphasis the parts it appears you missed:

What you're describing about him does sound as though he could have a mental illness. Young adulthood is when mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder and schizophrenia usually emerge.

The first sentence is an opinion; from her description, it sounds like the guy could be mentally ill. The second sentence is a fact; you can check that yourself on any one of many reputable mental health web sites and sources.

Of course, none of us know this guy, but the behavior, as described, does NOT sound normal to ME. Perhaps it sounds perfectly normal to you, and if so, please let the OP know that.

Bad break ups? Well if you consider your best friend from college (20 yrs ago) hooking up with your fiance and lying about it a bad break up, then yes, I have had one. Oh, they got married last year....mmmm...coincidence?

I'm divorced and have not dated for over a year and I have never been happier. It is so nice not to have to think about a SO. I love doing stuff for me and hanging with my kids and real friends. I think I put way too much stock in having a partner to "complete" me. I've found out that I complete myself. If someone wonderful comes along, great. But I know I'll be content either way.

As for the Bipolar thing. I was diagnosed bipolar about 15 years ago. 2 of my 3 children are bipolar as well as one of my brothers and my mom. In my opinion, your X sounds like he is in a grandious manic. I would run far away, and fast. I know this sounds harsh, but let his family deal with it. You really don't want to get caught up in the madness. Even if he does seek medical help, it takes a long time to find the right meds and a good therapist.

And remember, his behaviour is neither your fault nor your responsibility. So try not to feel guilty and concentrate on that law degree.

Good luck.

Either a serious drug issue or mental disorder.  How old is he?  Schizophrenia can onset later on in life for males...

I'm  happy in a relationship right now-how did it happen?  I have no idea. LOL! This will tie in to the rest of your post very well, I think-

I am bipolar as well, and in that, it really takes someone with a hell of a lot of patience to be in a long term relationship with me. I can be very...tiring. So I guess I found somebody really special, really patient, and holy cow, he really loves me enough to stick around and tell me when I'm being a dope. And vice versa, because he's not perfect, either. We're also best friends.

Prior to that, I was in an abusive relationship for about 2 1/2 years, and it was hard to get out of that. Obviously, the best thing I've ever done. Was it hard to get over? YES, yes and yes yes yes. I was single for about 5 years, and I loved every second of it. I didn't have to anwser to anyone, I could come and go as I pleased, etc etc.

Getting over a breakup! Stay busy, mama. LEt it out when you have to, but just keep your mind occupied. Meditation, yoga, work out, going out with friends. Anything. And stay away from your ex.

Your ex sounds bipolar. Sometimes major life events can trigger an episode off. It's not common for the onset to occur later in life, but it happens. He's certainly matching up every check list ever made for a manic episode.

you guys would be proud of me. he texted me in class and asked if he could sit by me because he didnt get to sit by his other friends because he came in too late and apparently no one likes me so i was sitting alone (law school seriously is like middle school)--

i said no, that i would be too uncomfortable because it would make me just want him in my life more and more...now i'm bawling in class and obviously not paying attention. he was rude for asking.

What I am about to say may sound harsh, but it is not intended to.  I am just speaking from some personal experiences.

1.  You need and I do mean NEED to stop thinking about him all the time.  Surround yourself with friends, listen to music that sticks in your head, do something.  You have been mourning this relationship long enough and with his recent behavior it just isn't healthy.  You're in a stressful environment right now, with law school, and you can't afford the cost these obsession could have.

2.  He sounds like he is having some real issues.  I won't say he's mentally ill, nor that he is on drugs.  I'll just say that people like that suffer from delusions.  Perhaps the stress of law school has gotten to him.  Whatever.  It is just another thing that you cannot afford and now that you aren't a couple, you shouldn't have to deal with it.

Make him invisible in your eyes and your mind.  I have two ex-husbands, one of whom has that same sort of "I am the most wonderful thing" attitude and honestly I can't even afford to think about him anymore because it just makes me angry.

You'll get through this, and be a stronger woman at the end.  Believe me, there is a happiness out there for you, and you will find it when you least expect it.