Pornography... AAAAH!!

Can someone tell me if i am overreacting please....my fiance is always looking at pornography and it really hurts my feelings it makes me feel like he needs more than i can give him. I really dont get it, because everyone tells me that i am very pretty and i think so too, so why does he have to look at these stupid sluts in magazines, dvds, and the internet?? The worst part is he hides it from me and it damages our intimate relationship!!

I just read in the newspaper wher people write in for advice that some woman was having a similar problem and the response was "like it or not, most men look at porn, get over it" i thought that was disgusting!! I dont think it ias right to ask me to get over it, i feel like he is cheating on me, am i overreacting??

I would really like responses especially from men, do most men really do this?

To clarify Dew, you can't quantify addiction.  I mean, somebody can drink fairly rarely and still have an issue with it, still not feel right if they don't have it, feel compelled to do it (compelled by something inside you, not your bad influence friends ;) ).  I see that as a porblem.  Somebody else could drink every weekend and occasionally on weeknights and not have a problem with it at all.

Porn addiction is the same way in my opinion, it depends less on how often you do it and more on your attitude towards it and how you view it.

Either way, klm, bottom line is this is something you have to talk to him about.

I'm not "hating" but I don't think you need to see her pictures to prove whether or not YOU Find her attractive.

get over yourself... she posted on her own free will, she could of easily said "No" and I would of said "Ok"  Stop harrassing me now, and help the thread or walk away.

Thank you italianprincess...i see your point...but at this point i cant help but think hes just not attracted to me...i feel so ugly most of the time around him

by the way, i never expected so many responses, i really appreciate them all of you

Okay, so you and your fiance are not fighting, you're not stressed about work, money, etc, and you're willing to do what he'd like in bed. But he still looks at porn all the time and hides it from you, and your sex life has suffered. The only fights you have are about porn. So, here are my honest thoughts.

It's possible he's addicted. Talk to him about that. It's possible that your relationship is under strain and either you're not telling us this so as to make this only about the porn thing, or it is and you have no idea. If that's the case, it's simple. Communicate with your fiance and deal with the problem and your sex life will come back with a vengeance. It's possible that you aren't actually willing to try anything in bed or you're idea of trying anything isn't the same as his. In that case, again, more communication is in order.

Or maybe you're just being insecure about the girls he's looking at. They're not real. He knows that. 

you are quite beautiful so IMO he's either got some kind of porn addiction or he's a sex addict.  You seem quite normal to me.

maybe i am a bit insecure...but i havent alwaus been, its the porn that MAKES me insecure

wow klm, well first of all, you are HOT!

so that being said....there has got to be some other problem here, and the problem is with him! i'd say that you guys definitely need professional counseling to get to the bottom of this issue before any wedding. you are way too young to be in a sexless relationship, let alone a marriage!! i guess my first impression of you because of your distaste towards porn was way off...i mean you've got little outfits and everything?! he knows you're up for anything?! this guy has some serious issues going on...

edit

honestly, if he was addicted to sex, then i would give it to him anytime he wanted it and i wasnt busy with work or school i like it to..this really makes me sad

How long have you known this guy for?

i really want to bring up the subject of counseling to him...but how when he lies about having the porn in the first place. and my distaste towards porn comes from the fact that i guess i just want him to look at me, only me, and i would be willing to do anything to get him to

Sounds to me like this is an emotional intimacy problem. Your bf is turning to porn as a way to put some emotional distance between you and him. You, meanwhile, are rejecting his porn which in turn makes him feel shy about further exposing his inner desires to you, for fear you'll think he's weird or too kinky or whatever.

My DH loves porn, and when we met, he had quite the porn collection, grown over the years. One interesting thing is that the more we had sex in those early days, the more he used porn. I think it's because we were so into each other, he couldn't get enough, if that makes sense? And being honest with myself, I wouldn't have wanted sex quite *that* often anyway! I wouldn't have been able to walk, LOL. While he probably worried I'd think he was too insatiable if he approached me instead of turning to porn to fill in the gaps.

It did weird me out, in the beginning. I also worried maybe he had an addiction or something. But we talked about it, got it out in the open. Despite being squicked, I asked him to share his favorites with me. I asked lots of questions, kept an open mind, and made a point of not rejecting him when he shared what it was that turned him on. I even bought him some porn for xmas one year - stuff I thought *I* might like. :-)

And yeah, I even tried some of the things he liked myself... some of it, I surprised myself and those things ended up going into our usual repertoire. Other things, errrmmm... nope!! Not my thing. But I reassured him that didn't mean there was anything wrong with him.

As a result, I have never had a relationship like this, where I have felt free and secure to divulge my own fantasies to another human being. And vice versa for him. We know and have explored each other's deepest darkest fantasies.

Flash forward 6 years later.... and guess what?? He recently tossed out his entire porn collection!! He told me after the fact. I was surprised - why?? I had no objections to it, he didn't have to. He just shrugged and said, "I dunno. I guess I just got bored with it."

Never underestimate the power of acceptance. Whether you approve of the porn or not, make sure he knows you approve of *him.* That is a necessary and key ingredient of emotional intimacy.

i've known him for 4 years, been with him for three, but the porn only started about 8 months ago

Okay, klmiam. I'm going to tell you something I've learned that's extremely hard to believe but as it turns out, it's true. It's not the porn that makes you insecure, or a boy, or your boss, or random stranger on the street, it's YOU. 

You have the power to allow someone or something to make you feel insecure, just as you have the power to stop them from making you feel insecure. 

Are the girls in the porn the ones he asked to marry him? Are the they ones he comes home to every night? Are they his best friend? I'll be they can't be if they tried, either, because you're the one for him. Stop comparing yourself to them, it's not worth the pain it will cause you.

interesting. . .  how close of "friends" have you been over the first 3 years?  No Secrets, Complete openiness etc?

no you're right tiger,the women in the porn arent the ones he asked to marry or the ones he comes home to, or the ones he loves....but they ARE the ones he gets his sexual pleasures from, thats what hurts me

dew...in the beginning it was just whatever it was my freinds hanging out with his, we got to know eachother and became very close friends...i'm going to be honest i didnt want to say cuz its a little embarrassing, but ever since he started watching porn i feel that he degrades and belittles me, he even called me a "slut" the other day...i guess its normal in porn idk

Klmiam sometimes for guys its about that release too...it's not even about the sexual act. It's emotionless. Is he under a lot of stress?