Pornography... AAAAH!!

Can someone tell me if i am overreacting please....my fiance is always looking at pornography and it really hurts my feelings it makes me feel like he needs more than i can give him. I really dont get it, because everyone tells me that i am very pretty and i think so too, so why does he have to look at these stupid sluts in magazines, dvds, and the internet?? The worst part is he hides it from me and it damages our intimate relationship!!

I just read in the newspaper wher people write in for advice that some woman was having a similar problem and the response was "like it or not, most men look at porn, get over it" i thought that was disgusting!! I dont think it ias right to ask me to get over it, i feel like he is cheating on me, am i overreacting??

I would really like responses especially from men, do most men really do this?

a question: when you say you sometimes wear sexy underwear and all he says is "you look nice", what do you do? Do you just stand there until he notices you or do you fo to him and tell him you'd like to have sex with him? Because maybe he wants you to make the first step and thinks you're not that interested if you don't initiate it.

Ok, let me get this straight, he looks at porn (totally normal in my opinion but regardless), this bothers you and he knows it so he hides it from you, when you ask him about it he denies it so he's lying to you, he calls you a slut because they do it in the porns and doesn't even realize that he's degrading you, even though you have already talked to him about this?

This sounds like a problem to me...

If you want to save the relationship then at least try going to counseling first.  Explain to him that it's really important that you get this figured out because you're not happy.  Don't threaten to leave unless he stops, that's always a bad idea and usually backfires and causes more lying and covering up.

Meagan, I think dew's trying to get in the guy's psyche by figuring out if there are issues with the line between fantasy and reality being blurred.

i really appreciate you guys!! but i have to go get ready for school, i'm gonna go try to get him to take a shower with me :) but i would appreciate if in the future maybe later on tonight, we could continue discussing, i find it very helpful

or Sammi, if there has been some kind of emotional or physical abuse that nobody is aware of.  If all of a sudden he just started looking at porn again, maybe a wound or something has reopened.

Hit any of us up whenever katie. . . I'm always around as are many of the people that you spoke to today :)

on the other side, I actually like looking at porn. I'm a visual person, like a dude, lol...and we (my bf and I) incorporate it into our foreplay.

I dont mind looking at porn with the hubby sometimes but we dont make it a reg thing just an every now and again type thing. I enjoy it just as much as he does and im the one that usually suggests it. I guess im sorta like italianprincess when it comes to porno im sorta like a dude and i enjoy it.

If you need porn all the time in order to have sex that is where i would feel its a HUGE problem.

I like porn, actually love porn... and I agree with Angie, if you find that you NEED it... theres a deeper issue at hand..

You dont want to watch it, because it repulses you, but he wont stop either...    It may be time to sever ties...

I agree on the disclaimer that both Angie and Jac spoke about.

If the only thing he does that you dislike is look at porn and this is the only thing you fight about, you should maybe just be thankful that you have a decent guy and a decent relationship and don't worry about his little secret.   Don't ask, don't tell.

That's not their only issue though...read a couple of her other posts...they've got some other problems here.  They just center around this issue...

I think he's denying he looks at porn not because he's ashamed, but because he thinks you're upset about him doing it. He's trying to protect your feelings or cover his butt, and either way, it's upsetting you.

Personally, I've never been uncomfortable with my husband looking at porn, even when we were dating. There were lots of times that I wasn't around that he would be horny, and porn filled the need. I would "take care" of myself when he wasn't around, as well. Now that we're married, we have a lot more stress than when we lived with our parents and had part-time jobs. He works 8-10 hour days, then comes home too exhausted to have sex many nights. I'm pretty tired when I come home from work, too, and most of the time we just cuddle and kiss on the sofa or in bed. But there are times when one of us is in the mood and the other one isn't, for whatever reason, so we masturbate. Sometimes we do it together, because we want to be intimate but we can't or don't want to have sex.

He told me a long time ago that he looks at porn because he needs to have something visual to help him get off. He has a terrible time visualizing things on his own. This might be how your boyfriend feels. How many times a day/week is he doing this? I'm sorry if you said before, but this is a long thread and I may have missed it. Since you say you have a baby, he may be horny when you're busy taking care of your child, or he may think you don't want to have sex because you're tired or not in the mood. If he's not looking at porn several times a day, and at times when you COULD be having sex, this could be a big communication problem. My advice is to ask him about having sex more often. It doesn't have to be spontaneous, either. You could have "sex dates" where you agree ahead of time that you WILL have sex on a specific day and time. I've seen many therapists recommend this when someone is unhappy with the amount of sex in their relationship. This is an appointment you cannot break, or it won't work. You both have to agree that no matter what, you will have sex. And it doesn't have to be a big production, but do things that will turn you both on. Candles, lingerie, music, or just a quickie will do. Good luck!

I think people try to make too many excuses for men/women who look at porn.

Klm, I can TOTALLY understand why you are so bothered by this- you have EVERY right to be and you are NOT overreacting. What many people are basically telling you is to stuff your emotions into your sleeves and stop demanding respect for yourself, because your man is a carnal beast who cannot control his carnal desires.

I have been through this situation, and the BEST indicator of  serious problem with addiction is when the person lies about it. That means that he is ashamed to tell you about it, but yet he can't stop. He may not want to "hurt" you by telling you, yet he sets aside how the act itself might hurt you! He would rather engage in a harmful activity AND lie- than engage in it and be open about it... not good. That's a double whammy.

Today's culture is so highly sexualized, that many people can no longer appreciate the views of those of us that do NOT enjoy porn. I personally believe that porn destroyed much of the beauty that can be discovered through sex. "Porn as a learning tool" is bogus. There is no better way to learn how to please your lover than to discover him/her yourself! Explore him/her, and LEARN how THEY react to everything that you do- be creative! Now people copy and paste jack-rabbit styles of sex from their fav porn videos. There is too much emphasis on one "getting off" rather than the intimate connection that occurs when two people make love. Then again, some people want rabbit sex and not lovemaking..

The point is- don't conform to other people's views of normalcy just because they tell you that you are overreacting. You are more than entitled to your own feelings about it- and you are not alone in this even though 75% of our society seems to applaud bouncing boobies on the screen. I don't.

I hope that you respect yourself enough to take this seriously and address it fully with your fiance before you make a lifelong committment to him. This says a lot about what kind of priority you are to him sexually, what kind of priority might you become down the line?

I have the same question as Plume --- Do you ever initiate anything? Or just walk around in outfits? Some guys just want to be thrown down by their woman. Porn may help him get himself off, but porn won't demand he shut up, rip off his pants, tell him to get on his back and use him like your own little play thing.

My only other comment is that men should NEVER, EVER call the woman they love a s__t....unless of course it's in the context of you being HIS little s__t, and in the heat of the moment ;)

Ok, look, what I've been trying to say is not that you're wrong for not wanting him to look at porn, personally, I am not offended or intimidated or anything else by it but if you are, you are, there's not much you can do about that.  What I have been trying to get through is that the issues are bigger than just "he looks at porn".  I think there are two key things here that need to be discussed (well three if you count his recent offensive and degrading language to you, and you really should talk to him about that).  One, I think you need to explain to him how his watching porn makes you feel.  If you haven't done this already, you can't expect him to know what it puts you through.  Two, you need to find out why he feels the need to lie to you about this.  I think it might be a good idea to see if he'll be willing to go to counseling.  Based on what you're saying about his decreased sex drive in regards to you, I think there is probably more going on here than you're really aware of.

Sounds like the problems with him are:
1) the lack of honesty
2) the lack of sexual desire/compatibility
3) the disturbing new trend of belittling you (calling you a slut is just not OK).

Schmee has a point in that we must remember that the sexuality portrayed in mainstream porn is not usually a healthy or positive one. I, too, worry that some boys and men might get the absolute wrong idea from porn, about what relationships and sex (and women!) are really like. Obviously most of them manage to distinguish the difference - they all use porn at some point and most wind up perfectly healthy - but maybe your fiance is not one of those. Sounds like he has had a troubled background to start with, and no great parental influences. You are still very young and I'd honestly recommend that you wait until you are more advanced in your own life (finished college, for example) before getting married. You will be changing a lot in these next few years and you may find that you are not so compatible with this teenage sweetheart anymore, and not just sexually.

I agree with Trustwomen! You are very young, indeed. I can't even begin to tell you how much I changed from the time I was 18 to the time I was 23. And now I am 24 and I understand things from back then so much better! Please be patient in this and know that if things do not work out with this guy, there is so much ahead of you in life and there is no reason to worry. It can be hard to let go, but it is so important not to settle into a situation in such a permanent fashion if you are so uncomfortable with it. It will not get better with a ring.

anal he want the winky brown eye

You are NOT overreacting! I was in a similar relationship at one point -- of course, I'm not anymore. I sure wouldn't put up with that EVER again! You have done nothing wrong. I wouldn't ask for men's opinions. What does it matter how much you have sex? It's no excuse. I wouldn't be with a guy who was into that, and NO NOT all guys are!  I have two brothers -- they certrainly don't look at porn. They think it's stupid. And doing that stuff online IS cheating. There are plenty of men out there who aren't into this crap. Why don't you try to find one of them?! Why stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy?

P.S. I totally agree with Schmee! She's absolutely on the money with this! And I think a lot of women justify porn just to be "cool" with the guys. What's in it for a woman? Puh-lease!

I have been with my husband going on 8 years now. In all that time, I knew he "used" porn. There were times when I felt intimidated by it, or felt inadequate because of it. But NEVER did it get to the point where we we not having sex! If he were looking at porn and not paying attention to me, I would feel there was a problem too.

Then you say he is being derogatory and saying nasty things to you! Oh, hun, I have been there too! It is not ok to be spoken to like that. It indicates a major problem with him and his attitude toward women in general (and towards you!)

The worst thing here is that you are not 100% Ok with porn. And that is ok. A lot of women don't like it. I myself still sometimes feel jealous and intimidated, but I know what I can handle. Just like you know your limits. If he is lying to you about this and continues to do it even though he knows you aren't completely OK with it, well, that is a problem.