Possibly starving, a bit disordered, and all around miserable...

Hi everyone, I'm new to this site. I'm really in need of advice.

I used to be at my dream weight less than a year ago. At 5'10" and just under 130 pounds I was deemed slightly underweight but it seemed right for my body. Then I started college. I put on about 15 pounds in about a 4 month period and I blamed it on beginning anti-depressants. I think the pills did help along the weight gain, but I was eating typical college food as well.

When I noticed the weight gain I wasn't shocked and vowed to change things. I had been 145 pounds before in my life and at that time it was pretty easy to get back down. So, I gave up all the "college food" and began exercising more often. However, I had a really bad habit: chewing and spitting out sweets. I bought bags of sweets just to get the taste. If someone gave me a cookie I'd smuggle it away and "eat" it in private. Gross and wasteful, I know (AND A LIFE RUINER!) Even at my thinnest I had this habit, although I would only do this with a bowl of ice cream at the end of the night. In college, I did it whenever I was alone and had the opportunity. Unsurprisingly, I didn't lose any weight. Being the good little researcher I am, I looked up this bad habit and found that "chew and spit" can lead to the release of insulin, which leads to fat storage, yada yada... I still ate normal healthy meals throughout the day, but I could see how chewing and spitting sweets throughout the day could lead to even more fat storage.

Determined, I vowed to never chew and spit again, and I will pat myself on the back and say I have been doing excellently (except for an incident on Easter, naturally...but I'm bound to have slip-ups). Always a vegetarian, I decided to adopt a vegan lifestyle to help things along. By now I am off the anti-depressants, as well. I felt very optimistic.

But...it has been several months since I kicked, for the most part, the chew/spit habit, and even longer since I basically gave up ALL "unhealthy" food. I feel like I have made no progress. I don't weigh myself anymore, as I get too depressed over the number. I go by how my jeans fit. And they fit the same...they are not by any means getting looser.

Have I screwed up my metabolism too much? My doctor admitted the anti-depressants likely slowed my metabolism, and I don't even want to know how badly the chew-and-spit business confused my body. I feel like I'll never be able to lose. Now I'm second-guessing myself and thinking perhaps I'm eating too FEW calories...but I am so scared to eat more. Even my 'best friend' has negatively commented on my weight gain, I am humiliated. I already isolate myself and feel like I can never fully enjoy eating out with friends...fully clothed, I still look slim. However, just 15 pounds on my tall frame accumulated VERY unattractively. I have cellulite all down my legs, stomach, and upper arms. Despite exercise.

This is basically what I eat in a day:

-Breakfast: smoothie with a banana and a cup of blueberries, soymilk, and protein powder

Snack: A serving of fruit

-Lunch: a whole avocado (about 5 out of 7 days a week...I figured I deserved it after giving up cheese and dairy), some vegetables and about a tablespoon of hummus and salsa

Snack: A serving of fruit

Dinner: Go to the dining center and stirfry up a ton of vegetables and some tofu.

I don't usually get hungry and usually have a nicely full-but-not-bloated feeling. What am I doing wrong? I exercise about 4 or 5 days a week, burn 350 calories on the elliptical and usually run half a mile to a mile.

I'm so depressed with my body...I just avoid everybody. I would be so happy to see a TINY ray of progress. But, for all I know, I could still be gaining...

Please help me?

-

How long have you been on this plan?  I'm trying to figure out your calories, sounds  to me like a good plan really.  Maybe you ought to include something like almonds or seeds in there for more protein?  I'm not huge on protein but all of your sources of it right now are processed and refined etc.  Also, some people have problems getting the protein out of tofu.  Keep it up, you have to give your body time to settle down - you've run it through the mill girl!

you were a bit vague about your stats...so are you 145 now? you are definitely NOT EATING ENOUGH...at 145, moderately active, and 21 years old...estimates...you are burning around 2300 calories, subtract 500 to lose a pound a week from diet alone, puts you at around 1800 calories that you need to consume. you aren't getting any whole grains at all, and you aren't really eating much of a variety of foods. Seems that you eat all fruits and vegetables and nothing else, get some grains in there. That should help with digestion, fullness, and overall balance in your diet. i hope this helps :)

Sorry about the ambiguity!  I am 19 years old, 5'10", and I'm not weighing myself right now but my best guess is that I am, indeed, around 140-145 pounds.  As for the grains, I know I undereat those, because after I eat them I just feel horrible for some reason and sometimes cause me to want to binge "chew/spit" on those foods. You see I can't keep certain foods within my reach for fear of these binges.  This includes cereals, breads, etc.  I am still working on self-control.  However, recently I have learned to take in a serving of oatmeal without getting out of control :)

Ah!  I thought perhaps I've been undereating...although I loooove food, especially healthy food, I can't imagine actually INGESTING so many more calories.  Although I have chew/spitted HUGE amounts of food I can't imagine my tummy feeling so full...I've grown to hate that feeling :(  My brain tells me it'll convert INSTANTLY into fat...I should know better...

If I do start eating more calories, what should I expect?  Weight gain, then loss?  Loss right away?  If I were to gain weight I could see myself freaking out/giving up or spiraling out of control...this is so tough!

this is what you've been doing to yourself (copied from Ask Mary in the Advice section)

Why does the body burn muscle when it could burn fat? 

... I was doing okay, or so I thought until I read about "starvation mode". Why would my body consume lean muscle mass for energy when I have more than enough juicy fat morsels to feed on.  Surely, it must be different for me.

 Answer

The body burns muscle to meet the needs of the central nervous system.  That system, which accounts for at least 20% of calories burned, can only burn glucose, a carbohydrate  The body doesn't really store glucose, but protein, from the muscles, organs tissues, and cells, can turn into glucose, while fat cannot.  Protein breakdown continues until the metabolic rate shifts to burn fewer calories from all sources.  That shift is familiarly called "starvation mode" and it is a life-sustaining adaptation. To forestall starvation mode, lose weight slowly, do muscle building exercise to offset muscle loss, and eat about 20% of your calories from protein.

part of recovering is gaining weight, it's inevitable. the weight will come off in time, but you have to trust your body. restoring your metabolism is more important than a temporary gain. part of recovery is also getting over your fear, so go to the store and maybe buy a single bowl of cereal, they do make those now. and buy one every evening so that you only have one. slowly incorporate the fear foods so that you are not triggered into the chew/spit cycle. 

It is normal to feel full so that's a feeling you have to grow to accept, not stuffed but full. you know that it's irrational that everything will turn to fat, so just try to sit with the discomfort. if you don't want to feel full then just increase calories without bulk by adding nuts, olive oil, peanut butter, olives, and cheese to EVERYTHING you can and you won't even notice the increase in calories. You can easily add 1000 calories by doing this alone. 1 tbsp of olive oil at lunch and dinner, over a salad, pasta, or veggies will add an extra 250 calories, 2 oz nuts will add about 350, 2 oz cheese will add 200 calories, and 2 tbsp peanut butter will add 200. You won't notice these changes AT ALL. so really there's no excuse. i know it's hard though and i sometimes struggle myself but if you want to get better it can be done!!

if you want to talk more private message me :)

Everyone else has given really good advice, so I only have a few comments. First, and I think you already realize this, under 130 might not be a healthy goal for your body. You may have been there a year ago but since you're still a teenager your body is still growing into its adult womanly shape. Right now your BMI is right around 20, which is still very slim. I'm also 5'10" so I know that even though you probably feel uncomfortable at your current weight, I'm sure you look great!

Second, it's great that you want to rehabilitate your metabolism, and it's actually good that you're not weighing yourself daily because you won't obsess about a one pound gain on the scale while you're upping your calories. You might retain a bit more water and the scale might temporarily go up as you eat more (just because the food itself will weigh more, not because you're getting fat). 

Finally, it sounds like you're being incredibly hard on yourself, and your body. I do hope you can find things to love about yourself, and that you will stop isolating yourself and criticizing your body. And if your "best friend" is criticizing your weight, it might be time for new friends. 

Sweetheart,

1. These people are all right. You need to eat more food. I remember when I was first realizing I had an eating disorder, I had intense fear of grains, too, because I was afraid of binging. Maybe you can start incorporating more carbs that don't seem so prevalently carb-y/ grain-y? Lentil and beans are a good source of carb, fiber, and calories (annnnd up your protein, since you're a veg) without feeling too weighty on your stomach. For some sources of alternative carbs only, maybe try corn/popcorn/potatoes at first. That's how I had to go before I was able to feel truly comfortable with ingesting carbs besides fruit. Then came cheerios, rice, etc. Just a slow incorporation as I felt ready.


2. You do realize the weight you're trying to achieve will bring you to a bmi of 18.7? I know some people function very well at lower weights, but maybe you should honestly assess how you feel now. How's your energy levels, menstruation, etc? The one important thing I learned in recovery (and still am learning), is that if we ever want to be free from ED behaviors, we kind of have to accept the weight our body wants to be at with a reasonable eating pattern that sustains our energy level.

3. As many of the girls before said, muscle matters ALOT more than the weight on the scale. I'm struggling to accept this myself. I'm currently 5'9", and somewhere around 140-145. That number bothers me way too much to be healthy, because I cognitively know I'm not big-set at all (i.e.: I'm fitting into size 1-2 aeropostale genes and I feel like an elephant a lot of the time...can you say body dysmorphic insanity?!)

After struggling with this quite badly for my entire year in college, I've come to realize that if we're gonna feel any better about ourselves, it's GOTTA start from the inside. Outside renovation doesn't fix a crumbling foundation.

Wow everyone, thanks so much for the insightful comments.  It's nice to vent about it because this isn't the kind of topic I'd bring up with anyone in person.  One exception, I actually confessed to my mom TODAY that my eating feels a little disordered, and she's been worried for awhile, so that felt good.  So I'm going to see a nutritionist when I'm done with this semester at college.  YAY :D

Naskigi, I realize 18.7 is pretty low.  But I really did feel my best. I had a ton of energy, my workouts were much longer, I was happier because I didn't spend HOURS thinking about "revolting fat," was more social, and I'm pretty certain I ate quite a bit more calories.  I'd have a big breakfast, and granted, would near-starve at lunch (no veg options), but went home to a huge family feast.  I think at that point in time, I was much better off and more healthy, despite c/s that bowl of ice cream at night.  Of course now I'd give anything to be at 134 lbs when I first discovered I was gaining weight :P  By the way, it's funny how grains terrified you too!  Don't know what it is about cereal that makes me want to eat until 5 in the morning! 

I'm starting to trust myself a lot more, though.  The last time I slipped up with the Easter candy the binge was just not enjoyable at all.  I hated that I was breaking my good streak so in a moment of passion I threw the candy in the trash!  I'm really eager to go home for the summer because this environment is so stressful and it's ridiculously hard to get my hands on the healthy food I need due to limited access to transportation...

I'm rambling now, but as a quick update I think I'm doing decently with upping my calories so far.  I figured out that I was WAY under-eating before, maybe 900-1200 calories a day.  At my height...not good :( the last few days I've been trying to do at least 1400, and today I made it to 1500!  It's weird because I feel bloated and absolutely disgusting and uncomfortable around my stomach but eating more is causing me to be...MORE HUNGRY?! That could be due to me trying to do some weight exercises, though... trying to get some muscles a brewin'...

Again, thanks for the reassuring and encouraging comments.  Of course, more advice is always welcome!!

Hey Pollyanna,

Have you tried some light weight lifting/strength training? this will rev up your metabolism.

Do you have any stairs to run in your city? these are the best way to tone when your tall and not get big - Im 5'11. If you dont mind people staring at you - you can bear walk up the stairs (on your hands and feet) super calorie burner better than running on a track or around the block :D

About anti-depressants are you on an SSRI? if so that is why you have gained weight. All SSRI's no matter what brand you take will attribute to approximately 15lb in weight gain. Being on the pill adds a few extra as well but only a few. If you find you need an antidepressant talk to your doctor about taking bupropion. Since you like researching start here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bupropion

As for a diet the Eat Clean diet or the Mediterranean diet are fairly good, though each person responds to diets differently try them out for a few weeks and see what its like. Find the one that you like... the one you can stick to :)

I noticed your eating quite a lot of fruit through out the day, try to cut back as fruit is still a sugar and still influences the body in the same way. It's like using honey in your coffee instead of powdered sugar... its the same. If you want the benefits of honey buy bee pollen and sprinkle it over oatmeal in the morning :D

Veggies and lean proteins are the best way to rev your metabolism and drop the weight. Make each meal the same size in calories 400+400+400+400 = 1600 or 300+300+300+300+300= 1500. Include 2 handfuls of low glycemic veggies and 1 palm size of protein for each meal. As you seem to like fruit so much make sure you only eat on portion at each meal. 1sm apple = 1p.

Take a look at this site it might help;

http://www.5aday.nhs.uk/WhatCounts/PortionSiz es.aspx