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praying someone will read this... i need HELP

it all began when i was a chubby kid.  in 6th grade, i lost weight in a healthy way and reached a healthy weight (all by myself btw).  then in 8th grade, i realized i was edging on chubby and decided to just eat less to lose weight- i did lose weight and became skinny (not overly so) but i realize now how terribly i ate- some days i just didn't eat til 3 in the afternoon, and all i ate then was a piece of cheese and a fruit.  on the other hand, some days i ate breakfast and snacks so i guess i just wasn't really paying attention... but either way, my main meal was supper, cuz it was homemade- i would eat til i was stuffed.  but i never ever felt like i was restricting, and never ever felt guilty when i ate a lot.  then, in 9th grade i (unconsciously) started eating much bigger lunches- ex: salad with avocado, craisins, cheese, corn (like 700 cal) and cookie/ muffin to top it all off- and gained 15 pounds. i was still skinny cuz i grew too, just not as skinny.  after 9th grade i started to eat only all natural foods. in 10th grade i also gained and reached 108 pounds at about 5 feet.  that summer i went away and basically decided that i was way too addicted to sugar (i couldn't end a meal without something sweet) and so i ended my after-dinner sugar rampages- which, i'll reiterate, never made me feel guilty.  they weren't binges where i lost control.  i consciously allowed myself to eat til i was stuffed cuz i just wanted to and felt it didn't matter cuz i was skinny anyways.  i only began to want to stop it cuz i was bothered that i was addicted to sugar.  but also there was that feeling that i might wanna weigh a little less.  anyways, simply by cutting out my after dinner snacks i lost 12 pounds incredibly fast- in one and a half to two weeks.  when i came back home, it was harder to keep that up cuz we have so many sweets around and no one but family around so i had far fewer inhibitions.  for the first half of 11th grade i stayed at 96 lb, but then by the end of the year i was 105.  so i decided to log calories and stuff and began to eat first 1400 calories a day, then soon (cuz i felt so full on that anyways cuz i ate a lot of veggies and fruit) 1200 calories a day.  i went down in about two weeks (maybe less) to 100 pounds.  then i went away again for the summer and for some reason found it easier to eat less (maybe because i was less bored, and because i was in someone else's house and felt embarrassed to eat a lot of snacks) and went down to 95.  i probably ate about 1000 calories a day and very little sugar, except for one day a week when i'd eat anything i wanted (to keep my metabolism up)- although even on those days i had only like a piece of cake worth of sugar.  that was about two weeks... then it all began:

i came back from vacation late at night and was jet lagged- i was over tired but off schedule and my mom had made brownies and some other cake the other day because my cousins had come over... i ate a piece of each and then had a couple cups of cereal.  i was upset that i did that cuz i hadn't had that much unplanned sugar/calories in a little while (even before the vaca i had been carefully eating 1200 and not a lot of sugar), and also i didn't need the calories cuz i was shoulda gone to sleep right away anyways.  i decided to stay up all night so that the calories would at least be put to use and then sleep through the morning so i'd eat less calories that day.  did that, no prob.  kept up my diet a few days longer.  then one morning, i ate 600 calories worth of chocolate/peanutbutter/cereal concoction which i had made (not intending to eat it myself) and felt gross.  for the first time ever i decided to compensate- i didn't eat til supper, and had about 400 calories so i was satisfied that i hadn't ruined my diet.  until this point in time, whenever i had ever eaten more than i intended (whether or not i was officially dieting) i had NEVER compensated for it by eating less later.  well anyways, it happened again that week.  next week it happened a couple more times.  eventually, since the summer, i've fallen into a cycle where i eat 1000 calories a day for 3-4 days a week, and completely binge the other 3 days.  usually on the first binge day i don't feel guilty cuz by that time i weight like 94 pounds, which i think is too skinny, and think i should go back to 96 pounds. then on day two, i feel a little gross. by day three i feel really gross and the next day  i go back to 1000 calories.  my binges usually aren't as extreme as many i've read about on this site- it's usually like 4 bowls of cereal and rice milk and several cookies or some cake.  when this all started i used to not be able to stop til my stomach hurt and ate almost completely just cake/cookies/batter.  lately i've been stopping before my stomach hurts but i feel SO GUILTY every time i binge.  i can't stand it anymore and i want to be able to eat normally again but even when i tried eating a little more one day, i'd just end up restricting again and bingeing again.  to top it all off, im 17 and never had a period so i REALLY want to eat normally.  i tried to up the fats- cuz i exercise a lot (i heard athletes need to eat a lot more fats to get their periods) and had only been having fats at suppertime (i eat a lot of veggies, fruit, and some cereal/crackers/pretzels the rest of the day) and even then its very little (basically just the oil the chicken or fish was made with and whatever is naturally in those foods) and i have fat when i binge but then it's unhealthy fats usually-so i started making sure i eat like 25 nuts or a couple tablespoons of nut butter a day.  but im still in this horrible restrict/binge cycle!  and of course, im completely scared to gain weight. (im 96 and 5 1 1/2 officially, although it really goes between 94-98 all week)

I HATE THIS! any advice??

*and please be nice.  i noticed that unless they went through it themselves, people tend to be very understanding of people who say they need to eat less but can't, but less understanding of people who say they need to eat more but can't.    

I'm not sure I can help you because I was never a binge eater, but I have been anorexic for about 6 years and have been in recovery for a few months, so I'll try to offer the best advice I can.

When I went into recovery I was terrified of gaining weight too, and I still am. But the best thing I found to help me get into eating a normal amount of calories every day (I eat between 1200 and 1400 now, and I'm 5'6"ish and about 120 lbs) was EXERCISE. It regulates my appetite which helps keep my calories normal, but also it calms me down about eating more on those days when I feel like restricting. Also, on the days when you normally binge, exercise can regulate your appetite to actually keep you from eating so much (at least, theoretically--this is only my thinking).

However, I really don't think you should do this alone--especially not at 17. I didn't get help until I was 19, almost 20... and I regret it. I should have gone to a therapist and nutritionist much, much sooner. If you can do that, even just to your guidance counselor at school, it will be of SO much benefit to you. I guarantee it. You CANNOT do this without the support of others around you. In fact, the only thing that has kept me in recovery for this past year has been my boyfriend (we live together), who has been with me through hospitalizations, therapy, relapse, nights where I felt like falling apart... and I've stayed in recovery when I felt I couldn't do it because I wanted to honor his commitment to me, and his belief that I was worth not hurting my body.

Maybe if you can confide in someone, a friend, a guidance counselor, a sibling, or a parent, they can help you by believing in you and giving you that support. If you can do it for them in the times when you feel weak, maybe it will give you that extra boost to stay on track.

If you have any questions or if there's anything else I can do to help, please feel free to message me on here, or if I'm not on, IM me at damasknymph (AIM)... I know what it's like to not know who to turn to and I want to offer all the help I can.

It's going to be alright, ok? You can do this.

thanks for responding...

u say i should get help.  i know this is probably what everyone says but... i really don't want to get professional help.  people think of me as the picture of health and intelligence.  they know i eat only all natural foods, exercise 6 days a week, and am basically made of muscle (one of my problems, because it's probably what's stopping me from getting my period).  no one would ever guess that i care so much about what i look like, or that i would be so stupid as to ruin my body to get a certain look.  im the one people go to for advice, not the one who asks for it (at least not this kind of advice).  it's not like i every completely starve or completely binge- i could never do that because i do have SOME rationale even at those times when i'm focusing on what i'm eating.  when i am at 96 pounds, i feel great and happy with my body- it's not like i eternally feel fat and gross.  i just hate it that i binge and can't stop the urge.  i need help, DEFINITELY, but i'm not ready to go professional.  i want to keep it anonymous for now.  it's not life threatening cuz my body makes up the cals eventually, its just terribly unhealthy and scary that i can't control it when, as you can see, i like to be in control and am in most other respects of my life. 

I can't give you the "anonymous help" you're asking for. It's sad, because I know where you're coming from about wanting to not ruin the image people have of you as the "healthy" one, the "in control" one, etc etc... I was the same way... but the fact of the matter is that you already ARE out of control and you may not be able to do this on your own.  Basically, if you aren't willing to help yourself by going to a professional who knows what they're talking about, I don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry.

I go through binge eating sometimes and then try to overcompensate by eating less, etc. 

Try to figure out why you are in the cycle first.  Why do you feel bad when you binge, why are you really binging?  Why are you starving yourself on other days? (I know it doesnt seem like you are, but you really are). 

I struggle with the same issues and maybe shouldnt even be the one to try to help because I'm not completely 100% healthy yet with my eating habits.  Try to ask yourself if you are REALLY hungry.  If you aren't then dont eat, try to stay busy, or chew gum.  If you are hungry then drinka glass of water, if your still hungry then you are REALLY hungry and you need to eat.  Your body doesn't tell you its hungry for no reason. 

Your body cant :make up calories" if doesnt count if you eat 700 calories one day and then 2000 the next.  your body runs DAILY, not weekly. 

Maybe before getting "professional" counseling or anything you should see if your mom would let you see a nutritionist, or a dietition to tell you what you should be eating and what will happen if you dont eat healthy? If your body isn't at a deficiency for something I think it will be less likely to have cravings.  I usually stuff myself when Im really hungry after work and dont have time for a small snack and then gorge myself because I am so hungry!

Sorry I cant help more!  Maybe you should stop weighting yourself???  A lot of people actually lose weight when they stop because they are more relaxed and food and calories are not on their mind every 5 mintues...

ok so everyone's still pretty bent on the professional help... well it happens to be that im going to a doc soon because i have no period.  i don't intend to tell her about what's been going on, but i am sure she'll take issue with my weight (since i lost at least 6 pounds, maybe 8 since i last had a checkup) and when she does, i'll ask her to give me a balanced food plan.  

but i also like ur ideas- like to stop weighing myself.  i did that when i went away in the summer (after i initially went down to 95) cuz i didn't really have a scale around so i didn't ever feel guilty if i ate a lil more one day or stuff like that... i think by the 2nd week of that vacation i was eating more than just a thousand calories.  come to think of it, maybe that's why i started bingeing when i came back.  when i was away, at the end of the day i often felt hungry and had healthy amounts of yogurt and/or cereal and crackers at the end of the day.  i ate til i was full and stopped.  i probably added maybe 300 calories that way.  that would have put me at 1200-1300.  

wow im like having an epiphany- i was always scared to up my calories lest i gain, but maybe i actually had been eating 1200 when i was happy with my weight and not bingeing- it makes sense because now i eat about 10,000 cal a week (1000 cals for 4 days, 2000 cals for 3 days) and my weight fluctuates between 94 and 98, whereas in the summer, i had been eating the extra cals i needed at the end of the day and remaining a weight i liked (i don't know if i actually stayed the same weight the whole time cuz i wasn't weighing but i don't remember ever feeling a big difference in my weight)

lol omg i think you just helped me out in a way u hadn't even intended to...

ok yes i know that 1200 is still not enough for a teenager without a period but at least for now i can move up to that and stop bingeing (and not feel like im restricting cuz that is an extra 200 cal a day).  maybe after i get that under control i'll move up to more.    

Hey, I'm glad if we helped you, and I hope you will up your calories beyond the 1000 level. That barrier was REAL hard for me to break so I know where you're coming from. But also it's worth noting that the no-period thing is bad. Real bad. As in, you already may have permanent bone loss that will manifest in calcium being leached from your teeth (I have that problem already :( and have for a few years now) and osteoporosis down the line. I'm not sure if you'll run into this issue later, but also, once you start getting periods again, you might start having these weird dairy cravings--I have them and my theory is that my body is missing so much calcium from not having periods for a while and suffering from bone loss that it wants all the calcium it can get. Also it could have something to do with the sudden growth spurt I got after I started eating normally again (a pretty sweet bonus of eating normally/gaining a little weight, I'd say!).

I hope that things work out for you. All the best of luck.

Calorie-Count is all about healthy and sustainable weight management.   Please be aware that this website does not support pro-ana type posts or eating patterns and those posts will be deleted/locked.

Since you are still a teen, the calculators here on CC don't apply to you.  Here are some links with a calculator for teens and lots of information for teenagers:

calculator and calorie information for Teens 

Nutrition, Exercise & Weight Management for Teens

More Nutrition & Health for Teens

Dieting & Metabolism (explains starvation mode and why undereating is counter-productive)

The Body Neglected (explains what happens when you undereat a long time)

Something-Fishy.org (information about eating disorders)

We hope this helps, but we must advise you that that this website does not and cannot support unhealthy eating disordered behaviour from those who are unwilling to get help. 

I hope the links above help and that you find the positive, healthy support you need