the pressure to be thin

Hi, I am Sarah and when I started calorie-counting, I danced around the weight of 130-132lbs. Now I am 128.5lbs and am having a hard time losing anymore weight. I get really stressed out easily with food/dieting/exercising and everything that surrounds it, which I assume is similar to most all people trying to lose weight, and I just want to meet someone who shares the same anxieties, to find support and help me through these hard times. I have always wanted to be thin and am finally starting to feel close to it, but I have no one in my life who supports me. The only people who DON'T think I need to lose weight are my sister, my dad and my boyfriend. Other than that, everyone tells me, "nobody's perfect" in one form or another (essentially lumping me into the box of ordinary people, which I just don't want to be). Anyway, I am home with my family for Thanksgiving for a week and brought home the essential low calorie items (plain popcorn, kashi, nonfat milk, veggies, pickles, etc) but still become very overwhelmed with my families lavish eating habits (they love Trader Joe's sweets...anything with cherries and chocolate, dried fruits which are high in calories and thick granola cereals...of course everything I love). Anyway, bottom line is, I become so overwhelmed with this dichotomy of wanting to finally feel thin and delicate and then wanting to be happy with myself and my body and love and appreciate all kinds of food, that I sucuumb to unhealthy habits of losing weight. Right now I am eating between 1300 and 1400 calories a day. It was at first just below 1000, but I heard you can't lose weight that way. So I try to stay below 1300, but get really angry with myself when I go over (even if it's with a piece of fruit or two). Really, I just need someone like me to keep me motivated in a sense...I am surrounded by people who don't support me and in turn almost eat in spite of my dieting. It's very frustrating. Anyway, hope to hear from someone soon...

Hi Sarah.  I understand needing support.  I've always been up and down, but this time I think I will succeed!  I was about 120lbs a year or so ago, but then I met my {now} fiance and gained up to 135.  Then I quit smoking and gained up to 145...Now I am keeping my calories to around 1300 and running 3+ miles 5-6 days a week and weight training 3-4 days a week.  It's super hard, but this time I'm not doing it alone - my finace is doing it with me.  SO, I really do understand the value of having a 'buddy'.  I can be your virtual buddy if you'd like!

My stats:

29 yr old female, 5'4", starting weight 145, goal 120-125 {really I just want to fit back into my 2/4 clothes! Grr.}

Tammy

hey sarah,i think i am kind of in the same boat as you.i am just under 130 as well,how tall are you? i am 5ft 9..i have become completly wound up in it as well although recently it has got worse and led to cases of binging and purging and just all horrible things like that so i would love to be able to talk to someone not in my world at the moment who feels the same.how old are you?

I have no idea why this posted twice..

I can relate to a lot of what you said..I'm currently in a state of semi-recovery from an eating disorder (ED-NOS..I would restrict, binge, purge, chew/spit, over-exercise..seriously, I think I've had every form of ED possible). I don't know what to do..I feel like I'm being sucked back in it by the weight loss, but the fact is I truly DO need to lose weight (my BMI is 27).

How tall are you? 128.5 lbs sounds like a healthy, thin weight, unless you are 4'11" (like I am).

I share the Trader Joe love with your family..I LOVE Trader Joe's food..especially their trail-mixes and granola..and pre-packaged salads..and breads..and pastries..and chips..and greek yogurt...*goes on and on and on*.

The pressure to be 'thin' is terrible, but you only live once..and there's no point in risking it all for a stupid number on a machine. We are all beautiful the way we are, the way we were born.  If we weren't meant to be this way, then we would have been..well..different than we currently are. Since your family members tell you that you don't need to lose weight, you most likely do not. In my experience, family members are the most honest, horribly blunt people you will ever know. They have a certain knack of telling you when you are overweight. They just do.

Maybe your body doesn't want to lose any more weight?
Sounds to me like you're doing it for the wrong reasons.
I don't think you need motivation,  I think you need a doctor.

I totally hear you, been a problem for me for many years

To anyone who is confused, I am short, I am 5'4, so although my BMI is of a healthy weight, I still have a lot of flesh on my body I just don't like. I feel heavy and I am not imagining it. Ever since I hit puberty, people have made inferences or downright cruel comments about me being fat, tubby, chubby, chunky, thick - really anything that describes someone who is overweight. Although I am thinner now (in my whole "dieting" process I have lost almost 40lbs...I started losing weight my second year in college) I am still very heavy in my thighs/hips/butt and look more like an overweight person when I am in a bathing suit or naked. I am happy/fine with the way I look in clothes, but am very unsatisfied with myself naked and feel very unhappy because of it (and I don't want to be focusing on that when I am with my bf, I would rather be focusing on our love for each other). I have always seen myself as a fat person and seen the world through the eyes of a fat person...so severely to the point where I lost any sort of idea of any of my other personal attributes. Because my self-esteem has been so damaged by others, I have a goal of erasing any sort of memory or reminder of being fat or heavier than I am now...which encourages me to lose any fat on my body. I know I am essentially in control of my own emotions/self-esteem/well-being, but I do believe people have made a HUGE impact on the way I see myself. I have struggled with it for many years and I truly believe discarding any sort of reminder of it will in a sense, set me free and be extremely liberating. As for what seraph wrote, I thought that was very negative and rude of you to say I need a doctor. I was asking for positive, emotional support and you wanted to push me down. As for llisa, I would love to talk more and share each other's stories and struggles...

Sarah as for what seraph wrote I don't think it was out of place at all. You made your first post asking for help so you aren't lumped "into the box of ordinary people". No you want to be thin, something better then ordinary. It sounds to me like you are doing it for the wrong reason also.
Just as an aside, I am proud that I can be lumped in to that "box of ordinary people", I have worked hard to get there.

should this even be a debate? I am not asking for ANYONE to write anything remotely negative on my page. so just go away. I don't want to be ordinary and I am not saying being thin is "better" than ordinary. I have created certain standards for myself and in I want to be perfect in my eyes...so that deems being thinner than I am now for an innumerable amount of reasons...not JUST TO BE THIN. Don't write on my page if you're going to be negative.

Considering that, in America at least, the norm is overweight, who wants to be ordinary?

I won't be negative then. I think you look great in your picture at 135lbs. Not fat at all. I can understand you want to lose a few pounds, but not more. I am also 5'4" (or 1/4" under) and I want to go back to being between 125 and 130lbs. 130 would be fine. When I look at pictures of myself back then, I looked good at that weight. Not super skinny, but just fine.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself. The standards you created for yourself might too high to be reasonable. Learning not to let other people's views affect you so much is probably a first good step to take.

P.S.: I don't think Seraph was not making this comment out of the blue. She's been there and must know when she sees someone struggling like she does. She might have sounded rude to you, but I think it's just her way.

but here it is again. I don't think anyone is really understanding me. Too many people are telling me that I am "fine" or that my goals are not reasonable. It hurts...call me crazy, but I want people to think I am beautiful without saying, "you're fine the way you are." Get it? You can understand why I would want to lose weight, which means you think I could afford to. Which is exactly what I hate. I regret even posting on here because I am getting the same responses I get from people I know. It hurts. I don't want to be fine or okay or hear, "nobody's perfect." My goal is to be perfect (in my standards of perfect). I am sick of people saying I am fine the way I am. I just don't want to be fine. I want to finally reach a place where I can call myself beautiful. I know what I look like, I know what I like and when I asked for support I wasn't asking for people to tell me I am fine. I was looking for someone else who is dieting/exercising so we could talk about pressures, holiday foods, friends/family, etc etc etc...things that surround being on a diet. Apparently everyone has misinterpreted me.

hon.. when you post on a public forum, especially this one, you are going to get people's honest opinions.  It is unfair to ask for peoples opinions and then get mad at them if they dont agree with you.  A lot of people on this site have been where you are...   some have never been as physically attractive as you are.  Your demand for perfection as you see it is not something that is unknown here.  We have all struggled with weight issues, body image, self-esteem, etc.  The fact that you are soooooooo angry in and of itself tells me there is a lot more going on with you than just getting thin.  Its OK if you dont want to look at these issues or have them pointed out to you...  just dont get mad at honest caring people giving you the benefit of their knowledge and experience.

goodness, I never asked for anyone's opinion! just someone to talk to. I know it's a public forum, but I was never asking for help, just a friend. geez.

Sarah, please don't take offense of my asking this, but if I understand correctly, you want to lose weight to the point where people stop telling you that you are "fine the way you are", right? Do you want to become thin enough that people tell you NOT to lose another pound?

If so, let me just say..that point may never come. No matter if you are fatally underweight, people may still say that you are "fine the way you are". Hell, my family did. Only when I was basically on my death bed, did they finally tell me that I needed to stop losing weight, that I was killing myself, that I looked skeletal, etc etc - and by then it was too late, I was completely consumed by the eating disorder. And it ruined my entire life.

If there is one thing I have learned in my life, it is that what people say/think DO NOT MATTER. It is what YOU think that matters. Who gives a crap if people think you could lose a pound or two, who cares if people think you shouldn't lose another ounce. It's YOUR life, not theirs. You need to be happy with yourself - on a realistic basis, of course - and forget what other people say and think, or your life is going to be a constant struggle. You will never win, because you can NEVER make everyone happy and you can NEVER make everyone stop saying that you are fine the way you are. Some people see a person with a BMI of 10 and think, "Wow. She's so thin! I wish I was like her! She should stay this way and not gain or lose another pound." And other people will think, "OH MY GOD. That person needs help now. She/he is going to die. She/he needs to gain 50 lbs - right now."


To be honest. You remind me a lot of myself, before I developed an eating disorder. I don't know if have an eating disorder or not - you never mentioned it, I believe, but if you don't..please don't go down this route. It will destroy you. I know you think it won't, I thought that too. But I was wrong. It did. And it will do the same to you and to everyone who suffers. It is a life ruiner. It doesn't discriminate and only ruin a few lives; it ruins all who touch it.

By the way, I saw your picture. I do not think you are FINE the way you are, I think you are BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT the way you are. Right now. Simply gorgeous. If I were you, I wouldn't lose a single pound, but then again, I'm not you. I can't say what will make you happy. But I know that if I had your body, I would be 110% happy and not change a thing.

But Lisa, why are you trying to lose weight? I appreciate what you wrote...a lot...I haven't heard anything like that in...well...ever. I am not unhealthy, I mean, I don't think 1300 calories is very healthy, but as far as an eating disorder, I am not going down that road. The thing is, i really detest my body...when I see my thighs naked, I shutter. It just is a reminder of how I used to be, much heavier, and I just want it gone. I would never want anyone to see me as overly thin, I don't find it attractive. And I see SO many other girls a lot bigger than me who are beautiful and perfect and can real pull of the curvy, voluptious thing. I can't. I feel like I am a petite person with a lot of fat on me and I hate it. But I really really like what you wrote...that's what I am talking about...you know, the positive feedback. I want to keep talking to you! where are you from?

I'm trying to lose weight, because I'm currently overweight.

You are right, 1300 calories isn't a proper amount of food, that is considered a 'dieting' amount.

I understand what you mean by detesting your body and shuddering when you see yourself naked. I do that too. Even when I'm not overweight. And I COMPLETELY understand what you mean by having your body be a reminder of the time when you were heavier..it's like this awful reminder that won't go away..always there..but what you have to fully believe is that you are NOT overweight anymore. That time in your life is over with.  You still associate your body and thighs will being overweight, and it will take a lot of time and a LOT of mental work (not physical - this isn't about physical, it is mental. The work on your body has been done, now it is time to work on your thoughts) to overcome that. It is hard..but it very, very possible. If you don't work on the mental, you could very well wind up 20 lbs less, still hating your body, still shuddering at your thighs, and still having your body be a reminder of the time you were overweight. 

I'd like to keep talking to you too! I live in California. Do you have AIM, by any chance? If so, mine is hurtbyasting

"Because my self-esteem has been so damaged by others"

No, YOU make the decision to you let other people affect you, no one else.
YOU let them hurt you, you took their words as the truth and are now acting as a victim.
I'm not trying to put you down, I'm trying to make you see things from another perspective, you're obviously not ready to hear these things, that's okay, I hope one day you will.
I'm not saying that what I say is the truth, I'm just sharing my opinion.
Don't attack us because you're not getting what you think you should be getting.
And there is no such thing as "perfect", you will only hurt yourself if you're trying to be perfect, because you can't, no one can.

zennzay, you need to spend some time working on your body image.  As someone who has major body image issues, I can honestly say that it is harder to modify the way you see yourself than it is to lose a few pounds.  If you want to lose weight than go ahead, but until you learn to deal with your body image issues you are going to be unhappy.  It's not easy, as far as I'm concerned it's the toughest thing about this whole process, but it's got to be done.

You also need to really read what you are writing here.  As others have said, this is a public forum, and when you write on a public forum everyone else has license to reply as they see fit.  You have put up a 'no one can be negative' proclamation and you are the one most guilty of not following it!  In one post, you are practically asking us to tell you we think you aren't pretty the way you are.  Because clearly you are unhappy with people saying you are beautiful now.  So, if we tell you that you need to lose weight, you'll feel better?  If we tell you that your distorted body image is spot on you'll be happy?  One, it's not true, so I cannot say that.  You *are* beautiful.  Now, currently, today, you are a beautiful person.  And the fact that you see that as an insult, that it hurts you, is in my mind a problem.  Two, how can you ask us to not be negative, and then ask us to tell you that you are overweight?  What can possibly be more negative than that on a weight loss board?

panda is right. I had horrible body image. Even when I weighed 106 lbs (I'm 5'1 by the way) I hated my body. Right now I weigh 122 and I am learning to love the way I look. It's been a long long road for me and if you ever want to talk I will gladly share my story with you. It's too long to tell here.:)