I have a problem

Ok so before I post what I am about to I have to say something up front. Last week I posted a thread on here titled "I'm so happy," where I talked about gaining up to 140 lbs and asking if I shoudl gain more, etc. Well, I didn't gain up to 140...I am playing with the idea of doing that, and wanted feedback. Now please please before you get mad and dismiss me I am the first to admit that was a twisted thing to do. But I recognzie that and really really want your opinion and help for my situation....so please forgive this and read what I have to see for real...

I have an ED....I have been struggling with my body weight/image ever since dropping over 100 lbs ina very unhealthy fashion about 4 years ago now. I have since been average weight, not looked good, overexercised, undereaten, overeaten, binge eaten,...basically one bad pattern gets replaced with another..I have gone for professional help, but it never worked out...sicne September I dropped from the mid-high 140's to 132 as of last Fri (I am a 5'7'' 21 y/o male)....basically I started dropping weight when I began eating all of my calories in one sitting right before I go to bed; a habit I have kept up for the last several months. I usually eat things that are either "low fat" or complete crap (muffins, cake, etc.)....I then go the whole next day not eating until I am pretty much starving that evening. I am lightheaed, can not jog anymore, get "loopy" around the evening, and my heart rate feels lower (which scares the hell out ofm me)...I have no energy to jog anymore (used to do up to 8 miles a day a few months ago)...I somehow get by chewing gum and drinking soda/water all day with maybe a salad with no dressing midday...somehow I am able to function and get to class, etc. and excel still....everyone and their mother has expressed concern b/c no one actually sees me eating and apprently my weightloss has become noticeable and I look "horrible" even though I do not see it.

I keep telling myself the first step would be to eat normally during the day. However, I can't seem to get out of my patten both out of pure starvation when I binge each night and also b/c I am afraid deep down if I do that I will start gaining again...everyone says I need to gain weight and I know I look good at 145 and stuff, but deep down I find myself liking the lost weight and the attention I get...when people say I look too skinny etc. I get off on it...I act dramatic and go on about how I am concerned, but then when I see a lower weight, deep down I am happy...lower weight=happiness for me...

despite this twisted eating pattern I dam well know it is NOT HEALTHY at ALL...I am sick, I know I am sick....but I need advice. I go by BMI and according to it I am not underweight at 132 as a 5'7'' 21 y/o male...but then why is everyone saying that? Should I gain? If so, how do I do that? I know I should see someone, but right now I know I won't...I just won't...I need advice, genuine advice about gaining and what to do if you think I should...please

i'm confused. You know you have a problem but you refuse to seek help. Your relationship with food is unhealthy even if you're healthy by BMI standards. You are quite thin for a male, and i've always felt that the BMI standards results in very scrawny men. You could gain quite a bit of weight and look much healthier.

If you don't want to gain you won't do it, you won't commit, and you'll find ways to avoid it. What is it that you want? You definitely SHOULD gain and you should consider seeing a therapist. 

You said you like the attention and lost weight, you look good at 145 but you don't want to be there again. Lower weight does not equal happiness for you. I think this is what people with EDs convince themselves of. Are your eally happy? do you like not eating during the day, chewing gum to avoid thinking about your hunger? Are you happy about LYING TO GET RESPONSES AND ATTENTION? saying you gained to 140 when you didn't? being deceitful all over a number? I rally don't think you're happy. You know you're sick. You've said it yourself. 

Eat more!! now!! If you need support I am here for you. PM  me, but please don't have people on here who truly care about helping waste their energy on someone who doesn't want to be helped. you have to want it.

look for an ED psychologist, ur post is quite disturbing

I think you would really benefit by speaking with a therapist who specializes in eating disorders - you seem pretty deeply invested in yours, and you want help, but you're pretty conflicted about it to. I promise that a little while in the future, you'll be glad you reached out for help.

thanks for the input....well except the last poster (what the hell are you on haha)...

This post has been moderated

 ummm are you serious?  Please stop running around posting and insulting people.