A problem with my "Jerry Springer" neighbor

I have a problem with a "Jerry Springer" type neighbor.  You know the type drama all the time over stupid stuff.  He has been arrested for child molestation a year ago but the charges were "dropped" because the "friend" made it up to get back at him for a bad "drug" deal, fired from every job he has ever had.  On welfare all the time, WON'T ALLOW his wife to work, always begging for food, money clothes has three kids at home all under the age of 9.  HE IS A FREAKING NUT and I can't choose my neighbors so here is my issue...

He had a set of twins 14 years ago.  The mother and her family wouldn't allow him to see the babies at the time and hence, he has NEVER seen them.  (He was 17 at the time and Mom was 16 at the time) Well, the other day he found out that his girls go to the same school as my daughter and now he is bugging her every week about "his" girls.  He is asking my daughter about if they are friends (which they just happened to be), if my daughter has a face book page (she doesn't but they do) and what their phone number is.  He actually took his 9 year old to the high school football game this past Friday night so he could sit in the stands and watch them!  The 9 year old told me this (and he was there because he knew the score and some other things that had happened and would only know if he was there).  This guy completely creeps me out & we try to not have anything to do with them AT ALL!  He told my daughter not to say anything to them but he wants her to get their pictures to him (he says that he already has some more recent ones) and wants info about them all the time.  I know that they are his kids because they do look like him (very distinctive features and they have his last name).

My husband says I need to leave it alone and that our daughter is exaggerating a bit but I know that she isn't because I have walked up on the conversation when he stopped her and another neighbor girl in the middle of the street over the weekend.  I am very concerned about my daughter as well as these girls.  I don't know their mother and the girls are friends at school but don't socialize outside of school.  I told my daughter to stay away from him and don't tell him anything at all.  I have considered a couple of different ways to handle it but not sure if I am being overly protective. 

1.) Confront him and tell him to leave my daughter and neighbor girl alone about the twins.

2.) Call the mother and tell her about what is going on (the twins have no idea who their dad really is)

I want to get this resolved today.  What are your thoughts?

I agree with your husband. I don't think you should get involved. This is not your problem and not your drama. I think you should remove your daughter from the situation, if you feel she's in danger, and then leave it alone.

The problem with trying to put yourself into this situation is then you're PART of it. Maybe the mother will start calling you to ask what's going on. Maybe he'll take it out on your daughter. There really is NO benefit to you getting involved, so I wouldn't.

Also, PS... whom are you to judge? Are you a perfect person you can look down your nose at this person and his life story?

#2 would be appropriate.  I would also consider #1.  I wouldn't be rude about it, just let him know the situation is uncomfortable and inappropriate.

The mother of the twins does need to know though.  There may be a reason she doesn't want them to know about him.  She needs to be aware.  Can you imagine if he approached them and told them?  She will need to talk to them before he decides to.

Edit to Add:  I would not become too involved because I do agree with the post above BUT if there is a safety concern, a warning should be given.  I would go no further than that with it though.

Original Post by indyquilter88:

 I have considered a couple of different ways to handle it but not sure if I am being overly protective. 

1.) Confront him and tell him to leave my daughter and neighbor girl alone about the twins.

2.) Call the mother and tell her about what is going on (the twins have no idea who their dad really is)

I want to get this resolved today.  What are your thoughts?

 

 Both. The truth is you're already involved regardless of effort. It doesn't matter if others acknowledge the fact. You should make their mother aware of the circumstances. It's important,imho. I would want someone to contact me. Pronto. That way I could deal with the matter straight on personally. The twins could be at potential risk now. :( There is no reason you have to become involved beyond that. I think you've thought about this in a rational manner. I strongly urge you to do both today. Kudos to you.

btw: I consider it someone's civic duty to report suspicious activity. To the school/parents/police/ etc. Just sayin'. Report it/Inform other parents/Etc..  People turn a blind eye not to offend/cause trouble all the time.

I agree that you need to tell him to leave your daughter out of it. The parents of the neighbor girl need to do this as well.

It would probably be a good thing to call the mother of the twins and let her know that their father is actively trying to get information about them. Then you need to drop it. The twin's mother needs to be honest about the identity and whereabouts of their father. They will eventually find out and then they'll be hurt and angry. Too many parents decide to keep things hidden "for the sake of the children", when they really just don't want to deal with the truth themselves.

Personally if the person is a nut as described I would Not confront them directly.  Just saying.  I would have my child tell this person (if he approaches her again) that she can't talk and has to get straight home.  If he continues to press I would file a complaint with the police department.  I would call the other mother and tell her what has happened and let it be from there.  

If the twins mother does (which is inevitable) contact him after being told he'll more likely then not put 2 and 2 together and if he is unstable it could have serious repercussions for the Op.  Not trying to be a worry or strike up a fear, but it's honestly one of those things you don't want to take a chance with.  If you're uncomfortable and the guy creeps you out normally, then it's better to be safe.  Should it just blow over quietly, then no harm .. should something happen then there is already a pattern on record.

To hkellick: The mother has no idea that this is going on at all.  My opinion is that if she really wanted him to be involved she would have him involved at some point in their lives when she became of legal age.  He is the one trying to involve my family by approaching MY 15 year old daughter and harassing her. 

P.S. As far as judging. No I am not perfect but I am giving you a correct  and accurate description of him and the lifestyle he leads.  If you think that this type of lifestyle is normal that is fine but I find it very far from being normal and to me, his choices are very much like a "Jerry Springer" episode.

To augustnkate: I agree that the mom needs to know but don't even know how to call this mom and say by the way my neighbor is your kids dad and he has been go to school functions and watching them, getting their pictures and trying to hack into their myface pages... .  I am very concerned about why all of a sudden is he so interested in these two girls.  He has know about them for 14 years and now all of a sudden over the summer he suddenly is showing up at school functions to "watch" them.  I can't even imagine how tramatic it would be for him to walk up to them and say "Hey, I am your dad".   I have struggled with this since school started a month ago and it just keeps bothering me more and more every day because of his constant and invasive questions he tries to ask my daughter about it.  His mother is even starting to pressure my daughter about it and asks her questions when my daughter is outside walking the dog.  Every time we are outside in the yard or taking walks they come up to us.  We can't get away from them about it and it is getting worse.  

Your main concern is YOUR daughter.  You need her to be aware if there is any danger towards her. 
If she wants to stay out of this just have her say, 'I don't hang around them at school.' and walk away.  Nothing else, it will just feed him to say anything else.

If he wants a relationship with his girls then he needs to start one as a grown up.  A grown up doesn't hassle a teenager for personal info about someone else.

Original Post by indyquilter88:

To augustnkate: I agree that the mom needs to know but don't even know how to call this mom and say by the way my neighbor is your kids dad and he has been go to school functions and watching them, getting their pictures and trying to hack into their myface pages... .  I am very concerned about why all of a sudden is he so interested in these two girls.  He has know about them for 14 years and now all of a sudden over the summer he suddenly is showing up at school functions to "watch" them.  I can't even imagine how tramatic it would be for him to walk up to them and say "Hey, I am your dad".   I have struggled with this since school started a month ago and it just keeps bothering me more and more every day because of his constant and invasive questions he tries to ask my daughter about it.  His mother is even starting to pressure my daughter about it and asks her questions when my daughter is outside walking the dog.  Every time we are outside in the yard or taking walks they come up to us.  We can't get away from them about it and it is getting worse.  

Contact the school counselor and they will setup a meeting. They'll help you inform the mother and handle it smoothly. They'll also keep an eye out for your daughter. Ask for guidance in dealing with the issue from the school.

Original Post by indyquilter88:

To augustnkate: I agree that the mom needs to know but don't even know how to call this mom and say by the way my neighbor is your kids dad and he has been go to school functions and watching them, getting their pictures and trying to hack into their myface pages... .  I am very concerned about why all of a sudden is he so interested in these two girls.  He has know about them for 14 years and now all of a sudden over the summer he suddenly is showing up at school functions to "watch" them.  I can't even imagine how tramatic it would be for him to walk up to them and say "Hey, I am your dad".   I have struggled with this since school started a month ago and it just keeps bothering me more and more every day because of his constant and invasive questions he tries to ask my daughter about it.  His mother is even starting to pressure my daughter about it and asks her questions when my daughter is outside walking the dog.  Every time we are outside in the yard or taking walks they come up to us.  We can't get away from them about it and it is getting worse.  

I would just call and say something like, "Hi.  I'm so and so's mom.  My neighbor has asked for information on your two children.  His name is blah blah.  I'm not sure if this is anything to be concerned with or not, but I figure that isn't my business.  However, if some strange man was making inquiries on my daughter, I'd like to know.  I hope I haven't offended you by giving you this info."

I'm sure you can go with something basic like that.  If you feel the need to mention he knows where they are and follows them, I would mention that I've seen him around the football games.  I wouldn't go into detail.

As far as dealing with him, I can't say.  Some would appreciate honesty first.  If that didn't work, then call police.  If he really is off-balance or unpredictable, you may want to talk with your family and do what you all agree is best.

Original Post by enchantingimage:

Contact the school counselor and they will setup a meeting. They'll help you inform the mother and handle it smoothly. They'll also keep an eye out for your daughter. Ask for guidance in dealing with the issue from the school.

This is a good option if the school is capable of helping.  I know some schools have wonderful counselors and support and others (like mine) would not care.

I would definitely tell your neighbor to stop pestering your daughter.  Call your local police and find out what your options are.  I would certainly call or write a note to the parent(s) of the neighbor girl telling her what's going on.  If either the neighbor girl or her parent asks you to intercede then by all means, otherwise it's up to them to explore their options.  I would also inform the school authorities and maybe write a brief note asking the parents of the twins to call you, your daughter can pass that note onto them without alerting them to the situation.

After you've done all this you'll have a much better idea of what your legal options are and what is available in the way of support for any efforts you do make.

I'd ask the neighbor to please stop asking your daugher and her friend about the twins. Tell him if he wants to know more about them he should call their mother and try to work things out with her.  If he keeps trying to talk to your daughter, talk to the police about your options. If you want to stay out of things as much as possible, maybe alert the school as to what has been happening, so they can tell the twins mother, and tell them you'd prefer to stay anonymous. Then hopefully they can keep an eye out in case he goes on campus looking for them.

"I can't even imagine how tramatic it would be for him to walk up to them and say "Hey, I am your dad"."

This will happen one day because he is their father.  It will only be traumatic for them if their mother continues to do the wrong thing by not telling them who their father is and by not involving him in their lives.  And frankly none of this is your business.  Your daughter is your business and I would tell him to stop involving her this situation and I would tell her not to get involved in any way.

Original Post by trhawley:

"I can't even imagine how tramatic it would be for him to walk up to them and say "Hey, I am your dad"."

This will happen one day because he is their father.  It will only be traumatic for them if their mother continues to do the wrong thing by not telling them who their father is and by not involving him in their lives.  And frankly none of this is your business.  Your daughter is your business and I would tell him to stop involving her this situation and I would tell her not to get involved in any way.

Exactly.

That's the one thing that bothers me about this whole story. You say that the guy's creepy and that he's a loser, and you may be right.. but for what reasons is this guy being denied access to his child? What's the OTHER half of the story? Maybe mom is a loser too? Do you know? Can you know?

The question is this, though: why get involved? He's bothering your daughter. That's a problem. Solve THAT problem. As far as what's going on between him and his daughters and ex-wife, I'd stay far far far away. Because you probably have NO CLUE what's really going on there.

I thought I'd jump right in... LOL!!  I swear, for a moment, I thought you might be talking about my old neighbors by every description you just listed!! 

From my own personal experience from my old, trashy neighbors is STAY FAR AWAY from them!  And of coarse, keep telling your daughter to do the same.  You never know how far these people will go to make your life a living nightmare.  I ended up having to go to court and pay an attorney $1500 because these people were threatening my family, my home and my animals.  Thankfully, they moved (both lost their jobs for testing positive for drugs) because their house went into foreclosure 3 years ago.

I would say stay out of it.

However I also would talk to the guy and tell him to leave my daughter alone and not bother her anymore.  Actually your husband should do that.

But everything else, MYOB.

Original Post by trhawley:

"I can't even imagine how tramatic it would be for him to walk up to them and say "Hey, I am your dad"."

This will happen one day because he is their father.  It will only be traumatic for them if their mother continues to do the wrong thing by not telling them who their father is and by not involving him in their lives.  And frankly none of this is your business.  Your daughter is your business and I would tell him to stop involving her this situation and I would tell her not to get involved in any way.

The bolded is very true. I won't comment about the not involving him, because we don't know the details. Just because he doesn't work and is on welfare, doesn't mean all that much. She should tell them the truth and let them meet him and make their own decisions.

You said he's a freaking nut, please elaborate.

I guess it sounds bad, but I wouldn't ever get involved with people like that.  I'd be courteous as a neighbor, if they needed an egg or a cup of milk.. but I wouldn't ever try to intervene in something like that.  I watched Jerry Springer a lot growing up, and without a security guy like Steve next to me, I'd be scared!

I'm with trhawley and HK on this your only duty is to remove your daughter from the situation which you are more than entitled to do as for the rest it's none of your business you are making assumption about him and if you are wrong in those assumptions he is still going to be your neighbour but a pissed off one!

All that needs to happen is a casual comment to the school or the girls mother.  You're not getting involved, making judgements on any parties involved, or acting on a situation you may not have all the facts about.

"So and so has been asking a lot of questions and showing a lot of interest in your daughters.  I thought you should know what was going on, and be aware of it.  Please let me know if I can help."

As the mom of an 11 yr old and a 5 yr old, forewarned is forearmed.  I'd want to know if someone was asking about my children, whether people knew him to be related or not.

Furthermore, nobody wants to be the person that knew something was going on but didn't want to get involved when something terrible happens.