Problems with Sibling

It is my sister that I write about. She is 40 years old, never been married, hasn't had a date in twenty years, and she is BIG. She wasn't always big. I remember a time when you couldn't tell the difference between us from behind. But I am afraid she is going to make herself sick. Her eating habits are positively disturbing. Two out of her three meals are fast food and she snacks on junk like ice cream jugs all day long. The pitiful thing about it is that she is a nurse! You would think she would KNOW better! Whenever I talk to her about her weight, she ends up shouting or storming off. I really don't know how to get through to her. She is really a pretty girl. 

I know that you want your sister to be healthy.  But commenting about her weight only makes her more defensive and less willing to change her habits.  It might even embarrass her.  In my opinion model healthy habits and pray for her.

You can't help folks that don't want to help themselves.  I agree with Tanya, the best you can do is be a good role model and think happy thoughts for her.  You can try having a calm discussion about her health, and how much you worry about her, but nagging will only make her defensive.  I can't tell you how many docs and nurses I've seen that are overweight.  But is it really any surprise?  Honestly, we ALL know better!

Well, in my opinion, she is spiraling out of control. I offered to pay for a gym membership, but more with the ungrateful pigheaded behavior. I would do anything for my sister and hate to see her suffer on account of a bad diet. I am afraid she is going to have a heart attack! I say to her-Sis, don't you remember all the pain Ma was in before she died? That doesn't seem to stir any emotion in her. Our mother was obese as well and lived with a black cloud over her head. 

She knows she is over weight, she knows she is eating unhealthy.

This is a symptom of something else, if she was abusing alcohol or cutting, for example, that's disturbing too, but you need to look past her weight, the weight isn't the main problem. 

Try to think what might be bothering her so much that she can't stop this behavior.

She is so upset because it's like offering her bandaids after she cuts herself intentionally. It covers the cuts, but you have no idea why she does it.

Well, she told me she don't feel fat. Why on earth not, I don't know. She gets winded walking more than five minutes! I honestly don't know why she eats like she does. We'll go out to a nice restaraunt and she is on to dessert before I am even three bites into MY meal.
If I had to say what was bothering her I would say it was her job and never getting married like the rest of us did.

She sounds like she has an eating disorder, and is probably clinically depressed as well. These things are mental illnesses. You can tell a compulsive overeater that being fat is bad and offer to buy her a gym membership, sure. You can also tell a schizophrenic that it is technically impossible for the government to send secret messages through his television, and offer to take the TV apart to show him. Nether of these approaches will do any good. They will not cure the mental illness.

You have to understand that a person with an addiction is not thinking clearly or rationally, therefore it is impossible to deal with them rationally. You can tell your sister that you're worried for her, and that you are willing to help anytime she decides she's had enough, but apart from that there's nothing you can do. She has to decide to change for herself. Nagging her will only piss her off, and give her some "I'll show THEM" self-pity and excuses for further bad behavior.

I was apparently kicked off of the forums for reasons I fail to understand, hence the new account.

The thing about my sister is that she will have moments of breakthrough when she can really see what she is doing to herself. She'll phone me with the-What have I let myself become and the No man will ever love me. Which is fine. I am her sister, after ll. But the next day, all is forgotten and if I even touch on the subject, I get the-What's so great about you? guilt trip. I know she is jealous of me, but she doesn't have to be. She has a lot going for her. She is on several anti-depressants as it is. She is also in therapy. I guess she even switched therapists because of being offended by constructive critisism.

I wonder if Overeaters Anonymous has an Al-Anon equivalent? Maybe you could look around your area for OA meetings, and ask the folks who hold them what they recommend. 

That is funny because that is what her old therapist suggested-Overeaters Anonymous. She wouldn't dare show her face at one of the meetings. I think she is in denile. She once said eating is the only joy she ever gets, which I know can't be true. She is a dedicated nurse and an Aunt, for God's sake!
If she found out I called OA, I can't imagine what she would do. But maybe it is worth a try. They can offer better advice than I can.

If you do call OA, and I think you should, you must not tell your sister, no matter how angry you get. That would instantly torpedo you in her estimation, and she wouldn't listen to a word you say.

I have been through this process with addicts in my life, and telling them I went behind their backs was the one thing that made them completely stop listening to me. My name was mud from that point on -- addicts despise being exposed more than anything else. I really really really don't recommend it.

I lived with an addict for 20 years (he had a drug of his choice) I went to a suport group and he knewabout it. We are now divorced. I can hear the anger and frustraton you feel. My advice is this. You don't have any influence on your Sister, Addicts can lose their children,their spouses, their homes.  They rarely change anything for any of the previous. They have to do it for hemselves and often they never do. They can even prefer their life functioning with their addiction. You have to get on with your own life and try to detach yourself from your sister's weight concerns. You will only become more angry and frustrated if you don't. She will change her situatn when and if she really wants to.

Can you really be addicted to food, though? I just don't get it! It seems to me that if she just found another way to spend her time, she wouldn't have the problem. I have tried to set her up on dates-there is this particular fellow that she would be perfect for. Then she tells me not to bother-that she is happy how she is. But I know she's not. She is constantly complaining!
I am going to attend an OA meeting. I'll let everyone know how it turns out. But I am afraid they are going to feel like I am intruding. If you saw me, you would know I don't belong there!

 Can you really be addicted to food, though?

Absolutely. Food is obviously not a physically addictive substance in the mold of nicotine or, say, heroin, but food makes people feel good, and people can get psychologically addicted to anything that makes them feel good. Psychological addiction is no joke -- it doesn't sound like a big deal compared to physical addiction, but in the long run it's more insidious and more difficult to manage.

But I am afraid they are going to feel like I am intruding.

In my experience, 12-step people are very very very willing to share their experiences and help others. I recommend not saying anything at all during the meeting you attend. If pressed, say "I'm here to figure out how to help my sister, who is addicted to food", but otherwise just listen to the people. They'll be able to give you some perspective on what your sister may be going through.

Also, there are plenty of skinny overeaters -- you may be surprised at who you see at the meeting! Being fat is a symptom and a result of the addiction, but fundamentally the addiction itself is a problem, even if the addict doesn't get fat.

Is she content?  Does she want to be heavy?  Sounds to me like she's fine with it.  Not that I sponsor being heavy... but some people are ok with being FAT.  Not just big, heavy, large, overweight... but FAT.  The stigma, the physical difficulties, the social consequences, medical realities... all ok with them.  Maybe you're projecting... what do YOU think?

She is always hot, cold, hot, cold with the issue of her weight. She will burst into tears the minute anyone has something to say about it. I am not talking helpful insite, either. I mean when people at work or on the street say demeaning things about her shape. The other day she came over practically hysterical because someone refered to her as an "oaf". Not that I know what that is, but she was pretty distraught over it. My kids saw her crying and soon everyone was stirred up. My son offered to chase the guy down with his shotgun. What scared me was that my sister was considering his offer! I guess it was some guy who plays basketball everyday at the park she has lunch at. I said-well, what did you do to upset the man? She said she didn't throw the ball back when it rolled over by her picnic table. Now that is so cruel, but she could have made a slight effort to roll it back. This is why she never meets anyone!

I have never been overweight, so I don't see how I can relate enough to her to project my feelings on her situation. We go shopping and I pick out nice skirts or blouses, but all she wants to wear in her free time are sweats. She cannot feel good about herself in this uniform! We got our makeup done at a department store and she looked amazing! I asked her if she would keep it up and she said to me-It's too late for me to even try. It about broke my heart. I said to her she looked stunning and she said to me- That is only because you know me. The average person sees an elephant.

Her birthday is coming around and I asked her what she wanted. She asked for money, but I know she will just waste it on food. Should I surprise her with something I know she could use?

You really are acting like the loved one of an addict. You are thrashing around trying to solve this for her when you can't. I do feel for you, because you really are on a road to nowhere, other than exhaustion and mental turmoil. If you don't detach from this, in the end it will affect your feelings towards your sister. I understand how must feel, if you see or are told about the way others treat your sister. A combination of hurt for her, understanding of the other persons perception of your sister, anger because you feel she brings this on herself and guilt, because of feeling the last two, when you can she she is distressed.  A road to nowhere for you if you think you can change your sisters situation. If there are no support groups for relatives of overeaters near you, you might want to go to al-anon, which is for relatives of alcoholics, The principles are the same for any addiction but the perspective from a loved one is different to that of the addict. They will help you to see how you are being drawn in and in a way her predicament is becoming your addiction.  

You have a VERY good point! ^^

After reading all of your posts, I truly feel that your sister's primary problem is her depression.  Her responses to situations are very like my mother's.  Is she actually taking her meds?  Many depressive folks go off their medication without telling anyone.  In my opinion, until her depression is dealt with, she will have very little chance of changing her lifestyle.  You cannot fix her, you can only love her.  If she is going to change, then she has to want that change herself, and it's very hard to do when one is apathetic from depression.

Wow. I'm sorry, but I think the main problem is that you want your sister to be like you, to want what you want, to be what YOU want her to be.

That is terribly damaging. Her own sister cannot accept her for herself. Her own sister thinks she just isn't good enough as she is.

My suggestion is to stop trying to change her. When she complains, it's not because she wants you to fix anything (you can't, after all, so don't try!), but because she is blowing off steam. I've never had a sister, but I do have female friends, and they don't need me to fix their problems -- they are all adults and are capable of fixing their own if they want them fixed -- but they do need me to listen to them and to sympathize and to support them, or at least shut up when I don't agree with what they are doing. If they want my advice and/or take on the matter, they will ask for it.

Your sister is a grown woman. She doesn't need you to tell her what's wrong with her, to wear makeup, to diet.

You want "what's best" for her. How about treating her like the adult she is and assuming, even when you disagree, that she is the best person to decide what is best for her?

I'd be depressed, too, if someone I thought loved me continually undermined my sense of worth by letting me know, over and over and over again, that I was fat, needed to wear makeup, wore ugly clothes, "should know better," and judged me so harshly.

What you have been doing hasn't helped, it appears, so how about letting her be who she is and having some respect for her, whether you feel it or not!, just on the basis of her being an adult and capable of dealing with her life? Who knows -- maybe if her own sister treats her like she's a capable, competent adult, she'll feel better about herself and will be better able to tackle the parts of her life that she is truly unhappy with (assuming there are parts she is unhappy with)!