Posts by dancerqueen1

If it were me I would blast music....stomp or make screaming orgasmic sounds myself.  lol....AND  leave an anonymous note on their door asking that they keep it down....'cause people are talking about it.----how embarrassing!   hehe

Hi everyone.  I just wrote a long response and it didn't go thru. 

Chrissy-  Hi how are you?  How is college?  I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.

AB- I am so sorry that you are feeling down and I can totally understand how you feel.  I know that when you feel that way it is hard to concentrate on studies.  I wish I could take all the pain away.  I am going through the same thing, except with a medical condition and despite doign well in college, it is hard to concentrate and be happy. 

Abbi-  Hi how are you?  I understand not wanting to talk about yourself.  If you ever want just message me on here.  I also hope you had a nice thanksgiving holiday.  I also am avoiding any shopping areas...I went black friday shopping once in the past and will never go again.  I hate crowds so...

I am doing really well in college and have 2 weeks left!   But about 3 weeks ago I had a sudden medical problem come up and have had so many tests done and tired of seeing doctors and it is hard to concentrate on studies. 

A specialtist I saw thinks he knows what it is (praying he is right) but follow-up appointments are scheduled so far out!!  So I am on so many diff. meds that don't help much and this whole thing has made me very, very depressed.   I can't exercise and have constant pain.  I pray it goes away and is fixed.  I hope you are well and thinking of you. 

Thanks Abbi---great to see your post and I hope you are enjoying the Holiday :)

aminalkisses123-- I know how nervous you must feel about the holiday gathering and I am glad my post helped reassure you.  4.5 miles is a long run and try to just take it easy.  One of the worst thing you can do is to exercise vigorously while in recovery.  --this is a time where your body, mind and soul need to heal.  I hope you enjoy the Holiday with family and as hard as it is try to challenge yourself and keep reminding yourself that you deserve it. 

Adrienne,

Sorry you won't be able to spend Thanksgiving with your family.  But that is pretty awesome you will be visiting them and spending Christmas with them.  I love Christmas...it is one of my favorite holidays.  As I was in recovery I had the exact same goal you have, and it is very proactive that you have set that goal for yourself.  Just take baby steps towards getting there. 

My first year of Thanksgiving during recovery was very hard for me and kind of made my "own" thanksgiving meal, but ate it with my family.  It made me sad to see all the foods we all prepared to be a "fear" for me and seeing my family enjoy it all.  I wanted to changed that and and knew in was up to ME to do that.  I then made it a goal for the thanksgiving after that to eat more foods and not alter anything to what "ED" would consider "safe".  And this year I am going all out and very excited about it and altering or setting boundaries wasn't even a consideration. 

Will you be spending Thanksgiving with someone?

I hope you do enjoy your Thanksgiving holiday and there is life after ED :) 

Thank you :)  I wish there was a like button on here too.  I hope you have a nice holiday!

Hi there,

There are a lot of things that come into play and having your period return while in recovery and not just a one-to-one ratio. 

To put it simply, having your period is extremely important while in recovery; but it does not mean the patient is fully recovered nor does it mean they should stop gaining weight.--having a period is a marker [among many] which indicats the patient is getting healthier. 

In other words, try to look at the entire picture of recovery; not just having your period return [although it is a good sign].  Recovery is like a painting...you have to learn to look at the whole canvas of the painting and everything it takes to complete it.

In some rare cases, those who are underweight and/or in recovery from an ED had their periods return--this is most likely due to hormonal imbalance and stress. Not allowing for a full recovery will cause permanent damage to your body and the repair will remain incomplete and set you up for relapse.

Gaining to a very healthy BMI is an important factor to recover and I will explain why.  Leptin is one key element and adipose tissue (fat) is Leptin.

So, on a scientific level let me give you an example of why gaining to a proper weight is vital for recovering ED patients even if you think you are at a healthy weight!

Let's just go through the process of an ED [and EDNOS] to show how it differs from calorie restriction for non-ED people just to give you a proper reference point for why you are being told "eat more", and then we'll get to some of the specifics of how your ED is shifting in expression right now with daytime restriction:

When you dieted for the first time some things that occurred in your body also occur in everyone. Your leptin levels drop quickly. With less leptin in the body, the metabolism is slowed and appetite is increased. When people diet severely, the metabolism is dropped as far as possible to try to maximize what little energy is being provided. While we can survive famine, it is at quite a cost to the body to do so.

Now this is where changes happened to you that don't happen to non-ED people. You had specific genetic mutations that were activated by that starvation. They primarily shift neurotransmitters in your brain to malfunction. We can see this on fMRIs with ED patients. This malfunction creates all the compulsions and anxieties around weight gain and food intake.

If I take two women of the exact same age/height/weight and I starve them (one has the genes for ED, the other does not) and then I stop starving them and I return them both to a BMI of 20 (exact same weight as pre-starvation), there are serious physical problems for the ED person that persist.

And ED person's leptin levels do not return to normal, whereas they do for the non-ED person. This is the critical reason why the low healthy range of BMI (18.5-20) rarelyprevents relapse for an ED patient. The non-ED person will return to an optimal leptin level (that she had before starvation) of about 16. The ED person will have leptin levels of maybe 6-9, despite being BMI 20.

So while leptin is directly related to fat stores, the leptin system is now damaged in an ED person. She has to gain to the higher healthy BMI range to push the leptin back to normal levels. So she may need to be BMI 24-25 to have leptin levels of 16.

As I mentioned before, your body will naturally find its happy weight and eventually you will stop gaining

Why are those leptin levels so critical? Because if they don't hit about 16, then your period is unlikely to return (it can, but odds are against it). Leptin acts as a gating hormone for all the reproductive hormones functioning correctly.

More importantly, optimal leptin levels seem to quiet all those malfunctioning neurotransmitters in the brain that generate the ED thoughts in the first place!That means the chance of relapse is greatly reduced the higher up on that healthy BMI range you are (clinical trials prove that).

First, has the definition of “weight recovered” been determined by experts who have helped you through your recovery process? If so, then it is highly likely that while you may have reached the healthy BMI range (18.5-25) you are still not at your body’s optimal weight.

However, BMI 20 will be a fully-recovered weight for only 2% of all patients striving to recover from the restriction eating disorder spectrum. That leaves 98% of those who have been told to stop gaining weight fighting the body’s absolute necessity that they gain more in order to reach their own optimal weight set point.  Thus why it is critical to reach a higher weight to fully recover, prevent relapse and reverse all the damage done by the ED on a cellular and mental level!

70% of all women naturally rest between BMI 21-27 and half of those will be BMI 23, 24 or 25 respectively. 

Your body will not be the same after you put it through an ED and therefore cannot compare your body to its pre-ED days.  If you are meant to be BMI 24 and you are trying to stay at BMI 20, then the continuing damage from that ongoing restriction is equivalent to being naturally BMI 20 and trying to maintain a weight at BMI 16.

To give you an example: I went from being less than a BMI of 12 to now the higher BMI range. During the weight gaining I gained to a very high BMI--but as I built trust with my body and eating patterns and reached a full recovery I lost some of the post-Anorexia weight naturally and even to this day I consume the same amount of calories.

Everyones body will be different as you heal overall [not just menstruating again] and some need more. For me personally [after putting my body through Anorexia Nervosa, Exercise addiction, and Bulimia] I had to gain to a very healthy weight to have my period return and be regular and to be healthy overall and fully recover. Again, some[most] need a little more TLC to not relapse.

Remember, if you want to fully recover, and heal, you have to go all they way and be willing to do whatever it takes to do this for good and reverse all the damage done.

It was the best decision I made and so lucky to have my period after so many years of not having it but it took some huge challenges that I faced and I am so thankful for being fully recovered from Anorexia and Anorexia Athletica and Bulimia.

 YOU also have to make an effort to be committed to change and recover as well.

I can assure you it is all reversible and you will be fine but it needs a lot more attention and time for awhile to ensure it goes in the right direction.

Best of luck and message me anytime.  Remember to keep pushing yourself.

Here is a link to my post regarding periods and recovery: http://caloriecount.about.com/periods-ft20729 5#13

and this:  http://caloriecount.about.com/body-know-ft207 004#7

You want all these things...energy, normal blood pressure, to sleep normally, to have the ED thoughts go away...but what are you willing to do to get there? 

Hopefully you have a strong support system [including doctors for monthy checkups, a nutritionist, and going to counseling] and most of all believing in yourself.  Along with that, you are also willing to do anything to recover by taking risks and everyday challenges to get there.  Afterall, recovery is all about taking challenges and it is going to be one of the hardest things you do--but worth every step of the way.

Hopefully, I can explain some things to you and what to expect in recovery. 

But before I go into that, I really want to stress that ED is the one comfortable at an Anorexic weight and trying to justify it as being "okay"; when clearly it is not.  I really want to impress the damage you have caused to yourself on a biopyschosocial and cellular level and this isn't to be taken lightly.

Your heart muscle is damaged. Your liver enzymes are shot. Your kidneys are very vulnerable to failure. Your hippocampus in the brain has shrunk (affecting working memory functions). The excess glucocorticoids in your body have inflamed all your arteries and blood vessels putting you at risk for clots and heart disease. Your muscles have atrophied and are prone to inflammation and tearing because you continue to exercise. Your bones are thinned and hollow and you are very likely to have serious stress fractures due to continued exercise at this time. Your skin can no longer repair itself, leading to dryness, flaking and outbreaks of acne. Your hair and nails are brittle and breaks easily. Your immune system is so suppressed that any cold that so much as passes by will hit you. Your digestive system is close to permanent failure. All the critical bacterial biome in your gut has died off due to lack of energy. Your gut motility is too slow, the concentration of liver enzymes (as I mentioned) is completely off. You can no longer produce vitamin A and D reliably. Your hypothalamic function is completely suppressed by both calorie restriction and excessive exercise leading to all the hormonal shut down resulting in amenorrhea. Your reproductive organs are atrophied, leading to vaginal dryness, reduced libido and sexual disinterest.

You can see it's a long list of repair and I've probably only covered off half of the elements.

Almost do all recovering patients with eating disorders think (at the beginning at least) that they can maintain the lowest possible 'healthy' bmi range and/or when their period returns. However, this is a huge misconception!

Getting up to a higher BMI (22 or above) is very important to ED recovery and being able to maintain on a sensible number of calories once you've recovered. If your body is meant to maintain at a lower weight, your weight will gradually go down (on it's own without calorie restriction or over-exercise). This happened to me and I naturally lost the post anorexia weight. Theoretically, this should happen to those who embrace a FULL recovery.

It is vital you give your body the opportunity to maintain at a higher weight, if that's where it needs to be for you to be healthy. Remember that being underweight can cause more than just osteoporosis from the lack of oestrogen. You're risking organ damage and brain damage. Just because you have a healthy body fat percentage and period doesn't justify you being healthy and healed.

So, on a scientific level let me give you an example of why gaining to a proper weight is vital for recovering ED patients even if you think you are at a healthy weight!

Let's just go through the process of an ED [and EDNOS] to show how it differs from calorie restriction for non-ED people just to give you a proper reference point for why you are being told "eat more", and then we'll get to some of the specifics of how your ED is shifting in expression right now with daytime restriction:

When you dieted for the first time some things that occurred in your body also occur in everyone. Your leptin levels drop quickly. With less leptin in the body, the metabolism is slowed and appetite is increased. When people diet severely, the metabolism is dropped as far as possible to try to maximize what little energy is being provided. While we can survive famine, it is at quite a cost to the body to do so.

Now this is where changes happened to you that don't happen to non-ED people. You had specific genetic mutations that were activated by that starvation. They primarily shift neurotransmitters in your brain to malfunction. We can see this on fMRIs with ED patients. This malfunction creates all the compulsions and anxieties around weight gain and food intake.

If I take two women of the exact same age/height/weight and I starve them (one has the genes for ED, the other does not) and then I stop starving them and I return them both to a BMI of 20 (exact same weight as pre-starvation), there are serious physical problems for the ED person that persist.

And ED person's leptin levels do not return to normal, whereas they do for the non-ED person. This is the critical reason why the low healthy range of BMI (18.5-20) rarely prevents relapse for an ED patient. The non-ED person will return to an optimal leptin level (that she had before starvation) of about 16. The ED person will have leptin levels of maybe 6-9, despite being BMI 20.

So while leptin is directly related to fat stores, the leptin system is now damaged in an ED person. She has to gain to the higher healthy BMI range to push the leptin back to normal levels. So she may need to be BMI 24-25 to have leptin levels of 16.

Why are those leptin levels so critical? Because if they don't hit about 16, then your period is unlikely to return (it can, but odds are against it). Leptin acts as a gating hormone for all the reproductive hormones functioning correctly.

More importantly, optimal leptin levels seem to quiet all those malfunctioning neurotransmitters in the brain that generate the ED thoughts in the first place! That means the chance of relapse is greatly reduced the higher up on that healthy BMI range you are (clinical trials prove that).

The other factor is to learn mechanisms in therapy with an ED counselor. One of the best ways to short circuit acting on ED thoughts and feelings is to get some cognitive behavioral therapy with a psychologist or psychiatrist. You've got to work around the ED thoughts generated by those neurotransmitters until they are finally quieted at the end of the entire weight recovery journey.

Your hunger sensations have a lot to do with where you are in recovery and having huge hunger sensations are a good sign; but not listening to them is not. 

While you are in recovery and have those hunger sensations that seem out of control, by no means are you binging or overeating if that is what you are assuming.  And when you do eat it is "reactive eating" – the body is reacting to dependable energy coming in by letting your brain know that much more energy is now needed to address repair and notch the metabolic rate back up.

First, has the definition of “weight recovered” been determined by experts who have helped you through your recovery process and have worked with ED patients? Hopefully. If so, then it is highly likely that while you may have reached the healthy BMI range (18.5-25) you are still not at your body’s optimal weight.

However, BMI 20 will be a fully-recovered weight for only 2% of all patients striving to recover from the restriction eating disorder spectrum. That leaves 98% of those who have been told to stop gaining weight fighting the body’s absolute necessity that they gain more in order to reach their own optimal weight set point.

To clarify, binge or overeating sessions are a marker that additional energy is needed and not that you have developed a binge eating disorder or eating too much.

70% of all women naturally rest between BMI 21-27 and half of those will be BMI 23, 24 or 25 respectively. If you are meant to be BMI 24 and you are trying to stay at BMI 20, then the continuing damage from that ongoing restriction is equivalent to being naturally BMI 20 and trying to maintain a weight at BMI 16. To give you an example: I went from being less than a BMI of 12 to now the higher BMI range. During the weight gaining phase I gained to a very high BMI--but as I built trust with my body and eatiing patterns and reached a full recovery I lost some of the post-Anorexia weight naturally and even to this day I consume the same amount of calories.

The answer to this is and reaching a full recovery is to eat 2500-3000+ every day. Responding to any extreme hunger even when you are weight recovered or perhaps even beyond weight recovery is as critical now as it is all throughout the recovery process.

The repair will drag or be incomplete if the recovery process is sub-optimal (calorie intake below 2500 or calorie intake of 2500 with additional exercise on top).

Your functional leptin system will ensure that your body adjusts to its optimal weight set point and the excess energy must necessarily be consumed to complete the lingering repair and to finally push the metabolism back to its normal functioning rate.--Given you allow yourself to reach your OPTIMUM weight!

You have to know that when a person is gaining weight during recovery from Anorexia their overall metabolic and set-point and endocrine system is damage and it is NOT the same as someone who just lost some weight and gaining it back. There is a distinct difference between an ED-patient and an NON-ED person and how to get to reaching their set-point.

The last phases are one of my happiest phases ever. During my entire recovery I gained a total of 70-74 pounds. It is what saved my life. Sure I felt a little overweight and it was the highest weight I ever been but I also know what I put my body through and it is what my body needed to repair.--obviously. It was also at this point my ED thoughts went away and I never had an urge to restrict, over-exercise or purge. I knew I got to the hardest part of recovery and I felt proud.

When I reached the higher end of the BMI range [ however I carry a lot of muscle mass so naturally I weigh more] and maintained on that for a good 4-5 months without restricting and easing up on the exercise my body was finally leveling off and I def. noticed during the last month (a few months ago) I was losing some weight, without restricting and my weight was redistributing and now that I am fully recovered I naturally rest at a BMI of 24.

As I mentioned before the higher the BMI the chance of full recovery is inevitable.

As far as exercising and recovery in general...you do not realize the damage you are doing to your body.

I really want to impress upon you the nature of the damage that has occurred is all throughout your body and is severe. It takes hundreds of thousands of calories (energy) to repair that damage and reduction in exercise. While you need proper fat stores as part of that repair (Leptin), it's by no means where all the calorie intake is going to go.

Most ED patients are not prepared for the phases they must push through.

The first phase is to eat 2500 calories a day, every day spaced throughout the entire day. Anything less and your metabolism remains suppressed and tries to hang on to what little energy is coming in -- but it's not enough to stop the damage, let alone heal it.

You can gain 10-16 lbs that is temporary water hoarding in the first couple of months. Usually, not weighing yourself through the first couple of months is a good idea. The body hoards water initially because water is so critical for cellular repair. The water gain eases up and real weight gain in the first couple of months is only 5-8 lbs.

The next phase is when the body starts to lay down fat. It does this because it does not trust you and assumes it will instantly be starved again. So it knows it must insulate and protect your vital organs from the next round of starvation.

At this point, ED patients can often falter because all the fat is laid down around the mid-section (protecting vital organs). You have to be prepared for the fact that the fat all sitting in this section is temporary. You will be bloated both due to the digestive system having to ramp up to function again (lots of gas and indigestion) and feel huge due to the fat deposits that are temporarily in that one area. You have to keep pushing forward and then you'll be rewarded with complete fat redistribution.

You need fat more than anything because fat determines leptin levels, not muscle and bone.

Somewhere around months 4-6 the ED patient hits another wall. Now the body is beginning to trust the constant flow of repair-levels of energy and it is now attending to bone and muscle repair. Osteopenia and osteoporosis begin to reverse at this stage. The patient starts to experience moments of enjoyment in life, has more social contact and unfortunately assumes she is basically ready to go to maintenance (she'll be at around 18.5-20 BMI at this point). Her periods will not have returned but she is starting to feel a real tug and fear of being "overweight".

This is the last ditch effort of the skewed neurotransmitters to convince the patient to relapse. She must continue to avoid exercise and gain to the point that the periods arrive. Then her maintenance calorie intake must be 30% above what is maintenance levels for non-ED patients for another 6 months.

You do not continue to gain weight during this final stage. All that extra energy you take in goes to normalizing the neuroendocrine system and not to the fat stores. This is also the stage where the fat stores are now redistributed evenly throughout the body. It is the final stage of trust-building between you and your body. Skip this final stage and you're pretty much assured a relapse.

After the maintenance phase the patient will naturally lose weight (6-15 pounds) on their gaining and maintenance calories. The patient can then start to slowly get into an exercise routine and not have to restrict to lose. This is because all hormonal functioning is running at it's optimum level and the patient will be ED free mentally and not give into those ED thoughts. --so by no means should you be cutting calories even on your non-workout days!

The last phases are one of my happiest phases ever. During my entire recovery I gained a total of 70-74 pounds. It is what saved my life. Sure I felt a little overweight and it was the highest weight I ever been but I also know what I put my body through and it is what my body needed to repair.--obviously. It wasn't until I reached the high end of a BMI 24 ...low end BMI of 25 that my period returned. It was also at this point my ED thoughts went away and I never had an urge to restrict, over-exercise or purge. I knew I got to the hardest part of recovery and I felt proud. I

When I reached the high end of the healthy BMI range and maintained on that for a good 4-5 months without restricting and easing up on the exercise my body was finally leveling off and I def. noticed during the last month (a few months ago) I was losing some weight without restricting.

As I mentioned before the higher the BMI the chance of full recovery is inevitable. Weight gain will come rapidly if you are progressing in recovery and 5 pounds in one week is normal. In my personal experience, mine came at a rapid speed. The body is miraculous and will do anything to savor calories and repair. Know weight gain is progression.

So you are nowhere near beyond the beginning of phase I right now and by no means should you even be worrying about maintenance when you have a long journey ahead of you and it takes years to be fully recovered given you do not relapse. 

Exercising, running or cardio during your ED (as well as before) much of the damage you may have caused would not have have been properly communicated to your brain. Because ED short circuits a lot of the sensations of pain, it is unfortunately common for an ED patient to injure herself and be somewhat numbed from the normal signals to stop and rest. As you return to weight restoration, much of the suppression of the pain signals are being fired up again (this is unpleasant but a good sign you are well into recovery!).

I strongly urge you to turn your attention to strength and stretch training (modest strength training with a real focus on stretching) this will help improve the vein valve damage. Walking is a good form of exercise but only do it at a very moderate levels- maybe 1.5 miles 2-3 times a week maximum! If you are stuck sitting all day, make sure to get up and walk around regularly throughout the day and do gentle leg and calf stretches too. But we as humans get adequate exercise thought our day with daily activities.

Do not under any circumstance run or do intense cardio. You can cause permanent damage to your tendons, put stress on your heart and of course it can impair your recovery! This is a time to heal and allow for full repair to occur.

If you turn your attention to strength and stretch training (modest strength training with a real focus on stretching) this will help improve the vein valve damage. If you are stuck sitting all day, make sure to get up and walk around regularly throughout the day and do gentle leg and calf stretches too.

If you were running during your ED or did rigorous cardio (as well as before) then much of the damage you may have caused would not have have been properly communicated to your brain. Because ED short circuits a lot of the sensations of pain, it is unfortunately common for an ED patient to injure herself and be somewhat numbed from the normal signals to stop and rest. As you return to weight restoration, much of the suppression of the pain signals are being fired up again (this is unpleasant but a good sign you are well into recovery!).

I try to encourage patients to remember how long they have been ill as a way to measure how long they should reasonably expect to be working on getting well.

The key is to also build trust with your body during recovery.

Restriction is the enemy. Be vigilant against restriction and put your trust in your body’s ability to find it’s optimal weight set point if you just give it the energy it is demanding (no matter your current weight).

This is the phase you need to learn to trust your body and keep pushing!! Be patient with your body and let it decide how it would like to manage the recovery. It does know what it’s doing.

I know how hard this is because I have been through it and fully recovered now. You can do this...you have to. That is what you need to keep telling yourself. You have to believe in yourself and challenge yourself. Keep doing the next right thing for you because you need to heal on so many levels.  And no one said recovery will be easy--it was one of the hardest things I ever did and now that I am fully recovered I can look back and think wow I have come so far. 

And in recovery I had learned so many things about me and patience and forgiving myself were important aspects of the journey.  So, forgive yourself and let your body heal and find ways to learn who you are again without the ED. This is a time to heal and start on a clean slate.  Keep strong and keep challening yourself as hard as it is and you will get your life back. 

Best of luck and message me anytime.

First and foremost, I am relieved you have noted what your triggers are.  However, what you do to manage them and proactive to make some positive changes is the next step. 

This is the time where you need to trust yourself and know you cannot resort to ED behaviors as a coping mechanism.--it shouldn't even be an option.

I know the situations you are facing now are very stressful and ED is trying to wiggle his way back into your life full force and your strength to block them is being tested right now. 

It is no doubt it is important to have the proper support during your recovery (counseling and doctors) but the point of them is to have them support you--not do it for you.  You can have all the support you need and want--but the ultimate strength to get through the ED is from you.  -Your perseverance, your commitment, determination and that takes going through fear, challenges, tears and facing ED head on. 

From some of your past posts and from my responses to them, you are aware of the health risks and psychological effects of when you resort to ED and relapse.  And one of them is going through almost recoveries during your adult life will cause permanent damage and you can't risk that right now. 

Sometimes when we unconsciously rely on outside support we get caught into "approval seeking"; which in your case you seek approval from others as doing well.  And now that your support group and changes in your life have occurred you feel like you no longer have a "safety net" and in turn a large part of your ED actually revolves around this approval seeking through other unhealthy, ED measures.  

The concept of doing the next right thing was critical in my recovery from ED.  I never relapsed, however I learned what I needed to do to keep on track, whether it was not exercising to heal, to do a lot of self-talk, write in a journal, see my doctors and nutritionist, therapy, but most of all the hard work came from me.  Today this concept is critical in all areas of my life and hopefully you can do the same.

I hope you get the help you need and have faith within yourself.  Sometimes we have to learn to be our own hero along the way.  And when in doubt come here for support and reach out to those who can help...not trigger. 

Best of luck.

Just go with your gut. 

You can't change someone either.  If it doesn't feel right then make a change...even though you have been together for 2 years doesn't mean you two are destined to be together...maybe you aren't and that is okay. 

People change...and life doesn't stop for anyone.