Posts by eccendentesiast

Don't worry, the stomach noises will stop. Mine was horrid, it sounded like a whale and a lion trying to harmonize on a song or something, but it stopped doing it constantly after about two weeks, and now only does it every so often.

I know exactly how you feel with the exhaustion, too. It almost seems like I had more energy when I was restricting and exercising a bunch, and after I stopped and started eating again, it feels like my whole body just collapsed, all I want to do is sleep and lay around and it feels like my body has just been completely burnt out-- which it has. Your body has been completely stressed and exhausted, and now that it's getting food, it's kind of going "oh my God finally, I can chill and not have to work overtime since I'm actually getting some nutrition." It's like drugs, for example. Someone who does drugs, they feel everything it's causing physically, they feel all of the side effects of doing drugs, but because they're still doing drugs, they still get that high and so they feel the physical stress, but they don't because they're still high. You get what I mean? And that's kind of what's going on with us right now... We were exhausted before, but we had our sense of "high" from starving so we felt it, but we didn't. And now that that high is gone, you're truly feeling how exhausted your body is. I don't know, the person that explained that to me explained it a lot better, but yeah. You're not being "gross and lazy". I feel the same way most of the time though, but it's slowly starting to go away. Listen to your body. Right now, it needs total rest, so that's what you should give it. You'll slowly start to get your energy back the more you do what your body needs you to do-- rest and eat. Just like with eating, when you feel hungry, you should go get more to eat regardless of how much you've already had or if you're on target with your daily calorie goal, you need to do the same with rest. If you're tired and want a nap, go take one, regardless if you've already taken one or whatnot. All of it is your body telling you what it needs, so listen to it.

I haven't told my parents yet, I was about to a couple of days ago, honestly, but I then I remember everything I put them through, the pain and hurt I caused, and the shame I feel every day I see them. Knowing that they know I'm so messed up. Those feelings of shame would just multiply even more and I can't handle that on top of everything else. I can't handle my brothers seeing me as the attention wh0re of the family. The drama queen, the problem causer. I hate bringing attention to myself, and I try SO hard not to, but it seems I always do, and I hate myself for knowing I willingly brought all that attention to myself last year by telling them what was going on. I can't go through that again, I don't want to hate myself even more for doing all of that again.
Plus, we can't afford a therapist. I want one, honestly, I really do, but we can't afford one. And I know if I told them I wanted one, they would do whatever it took to get me to one, and that would only cause even more financial burden when we're already barely scarping by. I can't do that to them. And I just can't handle feeling even more like a failure.

I do like being on here though because I can hear about a lot of stories related to mine, and it helps a little, and I get a lot of help for physical health questions too so... I think for now I'll stay, as long as that's okay... I hope I'm not annoying anyone by this rant...

And I know this is childish and SO stupid but... will people still like me even if I'm fat? I'm not even near my goal weight of 135 yet, and I already feel like people are starting to be disgusted by me and want nothing to do with me because I'm so fat. Will guys actually want to date me? Will people still like me and not think I'm a disgusting lard a*s? Or better yet, if I keep going with this, will I stop CARING what others think of me and start loving my body and myself for what I am? I honestly don't know what it feels like to not care what others think of me or to not hate my body.
My cousin literally started bullying me since I was about 3 years old. Then other people started bullying me too when I was 8. It never affected me that much until the past few years but, I think it probably contributed to everything now... And then I started getting bullied for my weight when I was about 10 (that's when I first started gaining weight. Before that I was a skinny rail, or so my mom said, I never actually paid attention...) And then when I was 11, all hell broke lose and yeah. The last time I didn't care what others thought of me was when I was about 8, and the last time I didn't hate my body and myself was when I was about 11. And I honestly don't remember what it felt like before that. Can I ever get to a place where I don't care what others think of me, where I actually love my body and myself, if I don't even remember what that feels like/never truly felt that in the first place? Can I even overcome all of this without professional help? I'm just so lost...

Zombers- God I'm sorry you feel the same, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hope you can fight through it, though.

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What will happen is you'll stick your body in quasi-recovery, and most likely relapse.

Last year when I tried to recover, I ate 2000 max, and ended up relapsing this year. The bloating you get from recovery, it never went away because I never fully reached what I should have (3000), a lot of the physical symptoms were still there, and most definitely all of the mental symptoms of anorexia were still there even after I thought I was "recovered". You might be eating enough to gain, but you're not eating enough to repair your body. I was too stupid to see that I did in fact need 3000, and I hate myself for not just making the jump and eating like I was supposed to, because I relapsed and now I'm going through all of this again. 2000 is NOT enough. That's minimum for a normal, non-ED recovering, sedentary teenager (assuming you're a teen?) so 3000 is bare minimum for a recovering teen. And yes, your metabolism will still be suppressed and screwed up if you try to "recover" on less than 3000. It's scary and hard, but make the jump, get up to 3000+, you'll be glad you did in the long run.

Hi strawberrylaces, we've never met, but welcome back!

Agggh, I only made it to 2,500 yesterday :/ I'm using my exhaustion as an excuse to not eat my night time snack, I just need to suck it up and keep eating regardless of how tired I am. The fact that I bloat up like a balloon if I don't reach at least 3000 should be enough to make me get in all the calories. I've looked like I'm pregnant with triplets all day today because I came in so low yesterday. :/ But I made it today!

Breakfast: 2x WW toast (180) w/ peanut butter (180), butter (100), and honey (60). Strawberries (20), apple (70), milk (130)
= 740

Snack: 1% cottage cheese (110), honey (30), banana (100), grape nuts (110) and then I was still hungry so I added 1/2 package apple & cinnamon Belvita breakfast biscuits (120)
= 470

Lunch: Salad w/ tomato, ham (60), hard boiled egg (70), cheddar cheese (110), black beans (80), white seasoned croutons (90) slice WW bread (90), milk (130)
= 690

Snack: Carrots (30), peanut butter (180), apple (70)
= 280

Dinner: Beef, bean, and potato stew, 1 buttermilk biscuit
= ~700

Dessert: 2 homemade chocolate mostacciolli cookies (120), banana (100)
= 220

Total: ~3100

This is a good idea :)

Well, this second time around at recovery I guess it clicked on Easter. I told myself, okay, you can eat candy tonight since it's Easter, but NO MORE after that because it's unhealthy! And I just had a complete breakdown and felt so worthless and fat, and after that I realized this isn't healthy, this isn't right. I had been tricking myself into thinking I was eating healthy and being healthy by exercising a lot. I wasn't purposefully starving myself this time, at least I wasn't consciously, I mean I KNEW I was, but I thought "Oh I'm eating every meal and a snack, it doesn't matter if it's below 1000 calories", but I don't know something just clicked and I realized I've been screwing myself up again. The cold, the headaches, insomnia, bruising, hair loss, irritability, loosing my period that I barely got back in the first place again, cutting myself again over food, and my collapsing self image again.  Then I weighed myself and when I realized I had lost down to about 105, I just stood there, saying "what the hell am I doing to myself?" over and over. I don't know what made it click, it just did, I finally clued into how destructive I've been to myself again.
The thing that's keeping me going is probably two things-- the main thing being I don't want my horse career to end. I'm working so hard to make it in the horse world, it's my dream and passion but it also requires extreme physical ability to do 3 day eventing, and if I keep destroying myself, then there's no way I'll be able to ride the way I need to, and it'll for sure be the death of me, especially if I take a bad fall. In fact, I'm watching a prestigious horse competition right now, and they're talking about how the riders need to be in such incredible shape and healthy shape in order to do this. There's no way I can be in that shape if I keep slowly killing myself, and horses/riding are the only things I want more than being skinny.
The other is to prove myself. Prove to my family that I'm not a screw up, and prove to myself that I'm not a screw up and a total failure, that I am worth something. And as cheesy as this sounds, I want to be an inspiration to other girls, I don't want to watch another person suffer through this, especially after watching my best friend go through this and worse, I don't want to see others go through it and the only way I can help them is if I help myself first.
So yeah, I guess those are my reasons/what's keeping me going. Also of course God, I couldn't be doing this without Him.

All I can say is I'm glad I have horses in my life, because without needing to be in tip top healthy shape for riding, then I probably wouldn't be doing this. Just "wanting this to be over and to be happy and normal again" probably wouldn't be enough.

Thank you sybst, that does put things into prospective... It is pretty noticeable, though. Even my mom said (last year before she found out I had an ED) that "you're plenty skinny, you just need to tone up that little bit on your lower stomach" :/ I'm sure it isn't as bad as I'm making it out to be, but it's definitely not tiny. I know I don't need to lose more weight, but I just want to see that pooch go away and see a flat stomach and have nice tight skin, and then go back into recovery and gain weight to where it will still be tight. I know I know, that's bad. I won't do it, but it's just frustrating. I am gaining weight- I'm not sure how much but I am. I'm eating 3000 a day, and I have stopped all exercise. The only exercise I'll be doing is starting horse back riding again now that the snow has melted. I'll be starting that in about the middle of May, but it's only once a week for an hour. I don't feel like I've really done that much damage to my body, though. I mean, I know I have, but I feel physically fine right now. When I was restricting and exercising, I never felt like I was going to crash and burn at any moment during my workouts except for maybe 2 or 3 times. Sometimes I felt a little exhausted and on occasion, sick to my stomach, but 95% of the time, I felt fine while I was working out. I felt pretty crappy and weak the rest of the time, but never so weak that I felt like I was going to collapse or anything. My bmi is around 16.8, that isn't THAT bad is it? I'm not asking for excuses or reasons why I shouldn't recover or gain weight, I know I need to, it just doesn't seem like I've really done much damage to my body, apart from losing my period again.  I guess it's just hard to see all of this when I have this stupid pooch on my lower stomach that's just getting bigger and bigger with all this weight gain! Will all this weight gain eventually redistribute out evenly? Right now it's just clinging to my stomach and it's so irritating and gross because of the stupid flab!

Has anyone else experienced this with the loose skin, and did it eventually tighten up/did gaining weight help tighten it up?

Purplecourt- I find it a lot easier to wake up a bit early and eat a lot for breakfast. You know the saying "exercise before your body knows what you're doing" that you always hear people saying when they're trying to lose weight/workout? I've adapted the same thing to eating- wake up early and eat before your mind knows what you're doing. I find it easier in the morning to get a good bulk of calories in because the whole ED mindset and voices haven't really kicked in yet (like, literally wake up, go the bathroom and what not, and then immediately go out and make and eat breakfast, before I even get out of my pj's), and it gets a nice chunk of food in you right at the start, which I find helps to keep the voices quieter throughout the day. And it reduces the urge by a LOT to binge at night. I don't know, it could be worth a try if you want. I can give you lots of ideas/recipes if you want them for high calorie breakfasts.

I think the food challenge thing is a GREAT idea! I think we could all benefit from a little challenge, and it makes you more likely to do it when you know there's others doing it too. Even if no one else does it, I'll do it with you! But I think it's a great idea, I honestly think it could really help us all.
I also think it could be good to do non-food challenges too. Like, when I was trying to recover last year my friend and I would challenge each other to like, not look at our stomach/thighs/anything but our face and hair (and even that only when we're getting ready for the day) for an entire day. Or to write down six things, one on the palm of our hand and one on each finger, that we truly love about ourselves (physical looks or non physical things), and then go stand in front of the mirror and tell it to ourselves, over and over, until we feel better, and then we have the reminder of it on our hands all day. Different things like that.

Thanks :) I'm just so self-conscious about it. Like, gaining weight wouldn't be nearly as bad if I knew it would all be tight and toned. Everything is SO flipping loose and I just hate it, especially if gaining weight is going to make it worse. I was really setting out to try and have it toned by this summer, and I could have gotten pretty close maybe, but now that I'm not exercising and all that stuff... I just really want it gone and fast. I'm turning 16 in two months, so that means I'll be allowed to start dating, and I really wish I could get rid of this disgusting flab before then and prevent it from getting worse. How long will it take on average, and will gaining weight without exercise make me get even flabbier? I just don't know why it's so bad :/ I don't know, maybe it's just bugging me more than usual today, and this stupid bloating definitely doesn't help it any, but I'm just sick of it and want it gone. It's half the reason I relapse as the ED voice keeps telling me "It's not skin, it's a bunch of fat! You need to lose it!" Even though it has got to be pretty much impossible to have THAT much fat when I'm at a bmi of around 15 or 16... Ahh I'm just so frustrated, I really want to stop sitting around and do something to help tone it faster, just some strength training 3-4 times a week is all I would do, for about 20 minutes each time...
Is there anything I can eat that will help with replenishing the skin cells and whatnot and tighten it faster that way?

Thank you both for the replies!

Libby- Thank you :) I think I'll try adding in a new fear food each week and see how that goes...  Roughly what would 10% of junk food in an average diet look like, do you think?

bellealyce- No, I'm not seeing a dietician. My parents don't know that I relapsed, and the first time I tried to recover, I never saw a doctor or dietician either, my parents said I could if I wanted to, but I didn't want to admit that I did want to go, I didn't want to bring that kind of attention to myself, and I still don't even though I DO really want to see a dietician and get a good meal plan/guidelines. I don't plan on telling them I relapsed, and I am getting in 3000 a day. Sometimes 1 or 200 less, but usually right at 3000. The only way I plan on telling them that I relapsed is if I don't get any better mentally, and if we're able to get our insurance back (having problems with them atm) otherwise we can't afford it. Right now I'm handling it, barely, but I'm handling it mentally, so I don't think I'll be telling them anytime soon. I know I know, it's not wise, but there's a lot more to it than anyone knows and for now it's what I've decided on.

Another question- If I'm getting really and truly physically hungry in-between meals and snacks, or if a meal/snack doesn't fill me up, should I go ahead and eat something else, even if I've already reached/have a plan to reach 3000? I'm finding that I've been getting increasingly hungry, and that mots meals and snacks aren't filling me up for very long it doesn't seem like, and my bloating that was going away quite nicely is now coming back full force-- does that mean I need to eat more?