Posts by fillmeup

Hi everyone!

Here's yesterday (Feb.14th):

B: two thick slices caraway-rye toast spread with 2tbs crunchy peanut butter and topped with a sliced banana, warm honey, cinnamon and coconut.

S: yogurt covered fruit+nut 'kind' bar.

L: fire-roasted chana masala with spinach (chickpeas with tomatoes, onions and spices) over whole wheat cous-cous; sliced macintosh apple (that's the last of the curry - promise! =P)

S: two slices homemade banana bread

D: whole wheat spaghetti tossed in a butternut squash and sage sauce topped with crumbled ricotta cheese over wilted arugula; 1cup vanilla soymilk.

S: dates stuffed with almond butter and rolled in coconut.

Original Post by mashed_tatties:

Original Post by daydream28:

kbryson- I know just how you feel! I don't feel embarrassed for having an ED, per say, but more embarrassed what my family thinks of me. I have heard my grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousin etc..say to my dad "oh she's relapsed again, what a shame" or my dad telling me "this is getting old!"... and that makes me feel so pathetic, like all my friends/family think i have no hope. Especially my fathers side of the family; they all hold academics at such a high level! All my step sisters are in IV league prestigious universities…My step sister is 1 year younger than I am, and she's been in Paris this whole year studying! It makes me feel like ****! how little i have done in my life. I know i shouldn't compare..but i hate what my anorexia has stolen from me. anyway, i don't get along well with my dads family..they are so snobby! My mom's side of the family understands SO much more. But my grandpa said to me over the phone yesterday how disappointed he was that i had to leave school and how sad it is that i got sick AGAIN. I felt like crying.. :/ And when ever i talk to my dad he asks "what are your plans…?" and i don't know what to say?! he thinks i should get a job/intern/take some classes. I explain to him that my recovery is the MAIN priority right now, and when i am ready i will 'get out there' and do more things. But i feel like such a failure and pathetic that i am almost 21 years old, and i have only finished 1 semester at college :( and i don't have many real friends or go out. :( And when i was in school in the beginning of the year, i isolated so much, or just went to sleep early! ugh! ed takes away so much. Its time to grow up! I think with each stage of recovery we will become more free and grow, you know? it will all fall into place. 

carrotcake- Great job with the gain lovey! getting past 16 bmi or a certain weight in that area has always been a trigger in the past for me too, so hard! I was thinking about that yesterday, how stopping at 16 ish bmi in the past has always brought me nothing! and only made relapse more likely! YES and prolonged my life. I went to college at a 16.5 bmi and it really set me up to fail. I was on the 'edge' ..you know? i now see how its not healthy for my mind set & health to stop that low. we CAN DO IT :D and show ourselves it's not bad past that weight! Oh and I love heart thrives! those 2 flavors are so good! the apricot one is amazing(i love warming them up :) My health food store only sells apple, lemon poppy seed, and the raisin spice one. That smoothie sounds amazing! & coconut LUNA bar is my new fave - so good!

B: Irish style oatmeal, fage cooked in, ground flax, a banana whipped, 3 dried apricots, 1tbsp walnuts, 3tbsp raw cashew nuts. and a deep chocolate vita top muffin. (620)

L: large slice of fresh tomato basil and mozzerella pizza (i was scared when i saw how big they gave me!! but i ate the entire slice :) I went with my dad; i rarely see him..so it was hard to have lunch out w. him…but it went okay!) and 1 stuffed mushroom. & a diet coke ;)  ( about 700?

S: blueberry acai Fage pot(i think this is new!) and 12 almonds. (210)

D: savory oatmeal, with shredded carrot, zuchini, baby spinach, white onion, 4oz chicken sliced, topped with 1tbsp 'spicy' peanut butter. and a side of edaname. (520)

S: a pumpkin BOOMI bar. 3/4 cup fage + 8 chocolate gingers and prunes. (460)

Daydream Yeah I promise it gets better! I went to uni at about a 15.5 BMI and dropped to 14.5 by midway through the second term (semester?) I came quite close to dropping out, but managed by the skin of my teeth to pull through - I think it was because I didn't isolate at the very start, I pushed myself to go out which was brilliant but I completely ran myself into the ground while thinking I was doing fantastically, but at the same time fell in love with the lifestyle so much that when I got pneumonia in Feb last year, I thought 'right, that's IT' and threw myself into gaining while away from home. I seriously don't know how I managed it, looking back. Gaining at uni bought with it its own hardships though - for example, I was so scared whenever I went home - the number of times people commented on how much better I looked then added 'drinking your way up to a healthy weight are we? Student lifestyle makes everyone pile on the pounds!' As if I'd gained 'accidentally' which drove me insane. I hate people thinking I've just been weak and 'given in' - it was hard. I think my main point is that whatever the reason and wherever the location of choosing gaining health and recovery, it's tough. You're not a failure for going home any more than I'm a failure for not postponing and putting recovery first - maybe if I had done, I'd be further along the road now than I am? It's circumstancial and we'll get there one way or another - the time is now, the place is irrelevant :) 

Everyone else - yeah the 16 BMI was a big one for me too, having not been there in so long - I think that's why once I got there, I hovered there for almost six months thinking that because I had my periods I was fine. I'm now just over 17 BMI and honestly, I feel so much better - of course I still have the obsessive thoughts and the anxiety etc - I'm a long way from 'done' - but I think my head is slowly sorting itself out. I am having glimpses between the hideous 'fat' thoughts of how I 'really' look - seeing my reflection and thinking 'wow, I have quite long legs!' or 'not SO bad...' All in good time :) I now look at photos of myself when my BMI was sub 13 and honestly feel disgusted, whereas before they were almost a sort of nostalgic reminder and caused a longing in me to return to that.. 

In other news - time of month for me :( My stomach's in agony and WG diet is a nightmare because though I'm always mega hungry the week before my period, DURING it I just feel nauseous. Power through.. 

 

 You just nailed that for me. I think I'm at a stage now where I'm in between sickness and health. I look back at where I was and I feel this awful nostalgia. As much as I hated being in hospitals over and over again, with tubes down my nose and nurses listening to me pee and dead bodies being rolled down the halls, a small part of me misses it so badly it hurts. I miss the perceived 'comfort', I miss my old body, I miss the sharp angles and the 'special' attention I received from family. And yet another part of me is delighted in this newfound health. Occasionaly it occurs to me that I haven't woken up dizzy in ages, or that I'm strong enough now top shovel the driveway after a canadian blizzard, or that I no longer torture myself with food I cannot have, and I am so grateful. I feel health, for the first time in years. The problem is that these two sides of me are forever at odds - and as much as I long for the days I spent in my illness, I know that I will never be back. And that's hard. I think it's a grieving process, really. As I continue to climb in weight; I fear that I'll lose more and more of my disorder (even though I hate the life anorexia crafted for me). This is scary because it's been my primary companion for six years. I got sick at fifteen (still a young teen!) and now I'm nearing twenty-one and I don't know how to acct and what to do in this adult life.

Anywayss, here's yesterday's meal plan:

B: large whole wheat banana waffle topped with drippy almond butter, sliced banana, orange spiced almonds and pure maple syrup.

S: smoothie made with a banana, vanilla yogurt, orange juice and flaxseeds.

L: wild rice and soybean salad over arugula and alfalfa sprouts; 50g waffle pretzels and a large red delicious apple.

S: maple sweetened greek yogurt topped with ezekial almond granola and cinnamon raisins.

D: navajo stew (sweet potatoes, onion, red pepper and black beans in a chipotle-cilantro tomato sauce) topped with plain greek yogurt; a side of roasted broccoli and 1cup vanilla soymilk.

S: peanut butter chocolate chip larabar.

carrotcake: glad you liked the smoothie! It's one of my favs aswell. =)

Hey everyone! I'm a bit behind so I have a couple days' worth of meal plans for you. =P

suspendue_lahaut: heyy, congrats on making it to 3,000. That's not an easy feat; especially when you've got to deal with stomach pain. I went for quite a few months absolutely tortured by stomach pain; but after a while (consistent eating/regular times etc.) it imroved! Maybe a heat pad would help the discomfort? Even if it doesn't I find the warmth comforting on an emotional level.

kessa: Heyya I totally understand the stomach issues! I mentioned a few  things just now because it seems a lot of us are in the same boat; I do think that over time it will lessen and your body will adjust to the higher amount of calories. You may never feel starving again during re-feeding - but that's not a natural feeling anyway! I used to equate famished=hungry; but im working on recognizing the first twinges of hunger, which is when most people would eat anyways. =)

daydream: yayy for challenging yourself to the mac and cheese! I know that you'd been wanting to try it for a while, and it sounds like the meal was at one point pretty comforting! I think it's great that you've exposed yourself to an old favorite - the best way to get rid of the ED anxiety is to continually challenge the fear foods - over time you're 'comfort' zone will increase and what was once a challenge is now a comfort! I used to be deathly afraid of nutbutters but now they're my best friend!

chubug: I'm sorry ED came in and ruined your night! I know how much safer it feels to stay at home; but I think you recognized that the real you wanted to go out and have fun, and that's a step!

muchlinksi: I can totally understand how triggering that sort of situation would be with the new girl in treatment. I've been in similar positions and it's terrible. The ED would just use the new person as a means to beat me up - another way to make me feel lesser then. It's all lies! Keep strong. <3

beth: I'm so glad to see you back here and posting! I really like your idea of a pre-breakfast. I'm usually up super early; and it's nice to see (and get used to) the notion that it's okay to have something before breakfast; instead of forcing myself to wait! =)

glittersandsprinkles: I hate when indecisiveness takes over! It's the worst. I've been reduced to tears on numerous occasions because I couldn't decide what to eat. I think you did a really good job of managing the grocery stores (even if a few lighter items did slip in your cart). You did the very best you could today and that's what's important! Go easy on yourself.

mashedtatties: I love indian food! I make it at home all the time, but I've never been out for it before! It's on my to-do list. =) Also, bananas drunkenly dipped in peanut butter sounds pretty good right now! I know you've struggled a bit before with drinking (and the eating that follows) - and just wanted to check in and see how you were managing with all that! I hope that you're being kind with yourself. =)

Okayy, here's yesterday (eerily similar to the day before, but I feel responsible to eat the leftovers of whatever I make)!

B: maple and cardamom sweetened greek yogurt topped with dates&spices granola, a large sliced banana, chopped dates, sea salted peanuts and coconut.

S: 4 graham crackers spread with pumpkin spiced cream cheese (3+ tbs)

L: pasta con broccoli ( pasta tossed in a broccoli, white wine, olive oil and garlic sauce) topped with parmesan cheese; lots of grapes.

S: banana sliced and spread with crunchy peanut butter and honey.

D: red lentil dal served over a large portion brown rice; a side of roasted broccoli and 1cup vanilla soymilk.

S: fruit+nut yogurt covered 'kind' bar.

and today:

B: overnight museli (oats soaked in vanilla soymilk and yogurt); mixed with a grated  apple in the morning and topped with sliced banana, honey, orange spiced almonds and coconut.

S: granola with coconut 'macrobar'.

L: two thick sliced sourdough rye bread spread with almond butter (2tbs) and orange marmalade w/ flaxseeds; a sliced red delicious apple.

S: harvest fruit mueslix cereal in vanilla soymilk.

D: cuban black bean patties served with pinapple fried rice, plain yogurt and cilantro; jerk asparagus and 1cup vanilla soymilk.

S: graham crackers spread with cream cheese and honey.

Oh my goodness, I can so relate to everything being discussed right now! I also get terribly anxious and can feel my irratibility, low mood, confusion, etc. come up when I haven't eating enough that day. It's like stepping outside my body and seeing me being controlled by anorexia - so strange. I think I'm far enough along in my recovery now to be able to pinpoint when I'm anxious and feeling more eating disordered then normal - and I don't like it. I'm also afraid not to, though. I don't know what it would mean if I weren't eating disordered, only because it's been my 'identity' for that past five, going on six, years.

I can also relate to needing the kitchen to be clean! I thought I was the only one. It's been a bit better lately, btu I used to spend the majority of my day cleaning the kitchen, doing dishes, loading the dishwasher, etc. just so it was clean. It was a constant battle though because we're a family of seven with three teenage boys!

Anyways, on to today:

B: two serving maple sunrise cereal with 1cup vanilla soymilk and topped with a sliced banana, sea-salted peanuts, sweetened flaked coconut and cinnamon.

S: large banana-orange-pistachio muffin

L: pasta con broccoli (ww pasta tossed with broccoli in an olive oil, white wine, garlic sauce) topped with parmesan cheese; 1 sliced red delicious apple.

S: maple sweetened greek yogurt topped with dates&spices granola and orange spiced almonds.

D: red lentil dal served over a large portion brown rice; a side of roasted broccoli and 1cup apple juice.

S: dates stuffed with crunchy peanut butter.

Mapledreams - I'm glad I inspired a craving! Go ahead and have your old favorite - you deserve it!

Daydream - thanks so much for the encouragement, it really means a lot. <33

Hi to kessa, strawberry, vangogo! Don't think we've 'met' so just wanted to say hello. =)

Hey everyone. It was a weigh-day for me today, and I'm up another .6lb. I know it doesn't seem like much, but since actively trying to gain (from the end of april '10), I've gone up 13.6lbs, with the last ~3lbs in these past couple of weeks. It's just happening quicker now, and it's so uncomfortable. Rationally I know that I've been gaining at a slow pace; but I almost feel like I've been taking my time saying good-bye to Anorexia; and now that the weight gain is speeding up I'm having to 'let go' much quicker - I don't know if that makes sense...

B: vanilla greek yogurt topped with a large sliced banana, cinnamon raisin buckwheat granola, honey roasted peanuts, raisins and coconut.

S: fruit+nut yogurt covered 'kind' bar.

L: two thick slices ancient grains toast spred with 2TBS cashew butter and honey; lots of fresh grapes.

S: graham crackers spread with pumpkin spiced cream cheese ( I make the cream cheese myself and it's delicious - if you're a pumpkin fan, make this! Take two tablespoons cream cheese and mix with one tablespoon pumpkin butter, cinnamon, pumpkin pie spice and raw cane sugar. )

D: carmelized onion, parsnip and kale penne pasta with olive oil and lots of parmesan cheese; a side of roasted broccoli and 1cup vanilla soymilk.

S: dates stuffed with sea-salted peanuts.

Hey everyone! I've missed posting here so much - I know I kinda fell off the face of the earth (or rather, the internet =P), and I'm sorry. What happened was that I was feeling really low and really depressed, my weight was hovering around the same number for weeks, and I was just a crying mess. My solution? I decided to increase my intake by a couple hundred calories and see if that would help my mood. So, I bit the bullet and added a bit more, took bigger portions, worked on making my snacks larger, and ended up gaining 2lbs pretty quickly.

My moods been slightly better (I'm not crying as much); but my body image is absolutely terrible and I'm really struggling with the weight gain. I've gone from a 13.4 BMI to a 15.5BMI and the WG is noticeable and very uncomfortable. I've been really struggling, but the important part is that I've continued to eat and resisted the (really strong urge) to restrict.

Anyways, I wanted to say:

Muchlinksi: You're doing wonderfully! I've been reading and I noticed how varied your meal plan has been since beginning day treatment, and I'm so proud of you for continually challenging your ED and going to program. I've done day treatment quite a few times before; and I know it`s hard to be challenged at every turn! You`re a soldier!

Thebiggerpicture: I'm amazed at how far you've come since you started posting on here! You've knocked out quite a few fear foods and you continue to fight. I definitely draw inspiration from you and even bought a packaged meal that I've been meaning to try for years because of you! You definitely utilize each day to fight ED and he's got to be very scared! =P

Joanneee: I'm glad you're being honest on here; but even more glad that you've been honest with yourself! Because in the end, you're fighting for your life back - so you have the most to lose! First step is recognition!

Carrotcakelove: good luck with all the events taking place in your life right now! I know that the tension with your parents has got to be quite a burden, not to mention pressure from treatment teams, etc. You deserve quite a lot of credit for managing your high meal plan day in and day out, despite everything. Try not to worry too much about the 2lb/week gain - most often weight gain isn't linear ( more like, up 2, down 1, up 1/2lbs...) so in the end it will even out. Besides, your body has been through the wringer and it's just trying it's best to find even ground.

Mashedtatties: I've been on calorie-count for as long as I can remember, and I've seen you come soo far. I am so impressed. To be completely honest, just seeing you defy your strong and severe ED on your own has been a catalyst for my own recovery. I am without any treatment team at the moment, but I'm finally finding that I'm in recovery for me - no one is 'forcing' me into it. I can relate to you so much, and I'm glad that we're both here sharing this thread. Even little interactions with those who understand is so helpful to me right now.

Daydream: Clearly, you're extremely strong girl! You've pushed yourself harder in these past few weeks than I ever could; and you did it at home and on your own. I know that it's been a long battle (for me, too) and that it's hard to go on and pull yourself out of relapse after relapse; but I'm reminded of that quote that speaks to the importance of picking yourself up after each fall. I really believe that this could be the last time you have to pick yourself up off the floor; life's waiting for you, girl!

Adrienne, Beth, runchickrun, mandyloves, everyone else that I haven't already 'met' - Hi!

Okay, on to today!

B: vanilla greek yogurt topped with a sliced banana, dates&spices granola, honey roasted peanuts, cinnamon raisins and flaked coconut.

S: multigrain fig netwons (4)

L: whole wheat cinnamon raisin bagel spread with pumpkin spiced cream cheese; a large sliced red delicious apple.

S: dates stuffed with crunchy peanut butter and rolled in coconut.

D: Quinoa bowl topped with white kidney beans, grilled zucchini, and a spicy kalamata olive romaneso sauce; 1 cup vanilla soymilk.

S: lotss of fresh grapes; pumpkin spice kashi bar

Muchlinski, onesunnyday, thebiggerpicture - thanks soo much for the support. =) Sometimes I just need a lift and you guys knew exactly what to say. Your comments really helped me get through yesterday so thanks again!

Happy Birthday to all those who celebrated! I hope you guys had a wonderful day!

Hi everyone. here's a couple days worth of menues. I've been v. depressed lately, and thus have found my meals to be a pain. I'm feeling pretty shaky in my recovery - eating; but mentally, not so great. Anyways, I feel a little selfish for this, but a little encouragement would be soo appreciated. I'm doing this on my own, without the support of an ED team or anything, so a little back up would do wondders!

B: maple sweetened greek yogurt topped with apricot&fig granola (280cals/60g and 22g of fat - scary, but awesome for gaining), a sliced banana, chopped dried apricots and coconut.

S: multigrain fig newtons

L: sushi! brown rice vegetarian sushi rolls; lotss of fresh grapes.

S: dates stuffed with almond butter and then rolled in coconut.

D: hot and sweet stirfry (full fat tofu, mixed vegetables, lots of sauce, etc.) with a large portion brown rice; 1 cup 1% milk.

S: crunchy maple sunrise cereal with a sliced banana and vanilla soymilk.

B: branflakes (x2) with 1cup vanilla soymilk, topped with a sliced banana, roasted cashews, dried bing cherries, and coconut.

S: natural fruit and nut bar (honey, almonds, peanuts, cranberries and raisins).

L: cashew butter and honey sandwich on whole wheat bread; carrot sticks and lots of fresh cherries.

S: greek yogurt sweetened with maple sugar, topped with alpine muesli and homemade cranberry sauce.

D: navajo stew (sweet potatoes, black beans, red peppers and onions in a tomato, cilantro adobe sauce) topped with plain greek yogurt; roasted broccoli and 1 cup vanilla soymilk.

S: dates stuffed with mixed maple roasted nuts.

I'm going out for lunch today; pretty nervous since eating out is still a challenge for me. I'm trying to reframe the meal in my mind, as an activity I'm doing for pleasure. Going out to eat shouldn't make me feel anxious and stressed; it should be an event I'm looking forward to!

Here's today:

B: nature's path crunchy maple cereal (x2) with 1cup vanilla soymilk, topped with a sliced banana, chopped dried apples, candied pecans and coconut.

S: apricot&almond 'kind' bar.

L: golden chickpea and artichoke salad with toasted almonds; cinnamon raisin walnut baguette crisps alongside. Macintosh apple.

S: maple sweetened greek yogurt topped with maple pecan granola, coconut and pear compote.

D: whole wheat cheese&potato perogies topped with parmesan, lemon and plain yogurt; roasted root vegetables w/ olive oil and rosemary. 1cup apple juice.

S: almond butter w/ a sliced pear.

Still sick. My appetite has gone out the window and nothing it appealing to me right now. My ED thoughts are flaring up a bit too - I feel guilty having to eat so much when I'm sick; because typically most people wouldn't. I can recognize that these aren't healthy thoughts - so I\m combatting them with opposite action and eating my full plan.

B: honey shreddies (x2) with 1cup vanilla soymilk, topped with a large sliced banana, orange spiced almonds and raisins.

S: whole wheat toast spread with almond butter and honey.

L: hugee smoothie made with 1 sliced banana, 1cup soymilk, vanilla frozen yogurt, canned pumpkin, pure maple syrup, and flax. Topped with maple pecan granola.

S: apricot and almond kind bar.

D: pasta e fagioli (pasta, cannelini beans, tomatoes and spinach) w/ parmesan cheese; 1 serving wisecrackers and 1cup vanilla soymilk.

S: granny smith apple; trail mix (pepitas, apricot, raisins, pecans, almonds).