ive felt fat my entire life. growing up i was always told that i was "healthy" or "chubby" looking and i began to associate those types of descriptions as the "sugar-coated"  version of fat. even to this day if someone calls me "healthy" or "curvy" i get incredibly offended. i like the feeling of hunger but i am unable to stop myself from binging once i begin to eat. ive gone back and forth between the stereo typical eating disorder and disorderly eating. no i've never weighed 98 pounds but i have always wished i could. i have fought with myself over the conviction that "healthy" eating is the way to go and the reality that deep down there is no covering up the desire to be able to stop eating forever *sigh*

The lyrics to one of my favorite songs:

just a little stronger, just a little bit wiser
just a little less needy and maybe i'd get there
just a little bit pretty, just a little more aware
just a little bit thinner and maybe id get there

clearly, clearly i remember hiking up my skirt and asking for a tie
clearly, clearly i remember nervous is ever confronted and questioning myself
oh perhaps, perhaps if i got better, perhaps if i challenged myself perhaps if i was

just a little bit stronger, just a little bit wiser
just a little less needy and maybe id get there
just a little bit pretty, just a little more aware
just a little bit thinner and maybe id get there

clearly, clearly i remember pulling up my shirt and staring back ahead
clearly, clearly i remember days of useless crying and almost feeling dead
oh perhaps, perhaps if i was smaller, perhaps i could control myself perhaps if i was

just a little bit stronger, just a little bit wiser
just a little less needy and maybe id get there
just a little bit pretty, just a little more aware
just a little bit thinner and maybe id get there.......