|Health & Support||Newly diagnosed Hashimoto Thyroiditis||Aug 22 2011
I was just diagnosed last week with hypothyroid (not sure if it's hashimoto's though...) Anyway, I've gained about 40 lbs. in three months from having it- but I can't attribute the weight gain entirely to my thyroid, because I struggle with binge eating, as well. Reguardless, the weight came on WAY faster than it "scientifically" could have, even given all that I was eating. I became very depressed, due to the thyroid condition, stoped working out, could barely get out of bed... it was a mess... and it still is. I was anorexic just last fall, gained to a healthy weight, and THEN about three months AFTER maintaining that weight, came down with the thyroid problem. I hope it goes away soon! I'm on .050 miligrams of Synthroid and am trying to workout regularly. I don't know exactly how much I should be eating though... does anyone remember those posts saying that recovered anorexics should always eat 2500 calories a day to maintain, and then your body will find its set point? Does this mean that I should eat 2500 calories even though I'm overweight now? I'm confused...
|Young Calorie Counters||I was skinny my whole life...the got an ED...now overweight!||Jul 28 2011
OP, I can totally relate. I was skinny all my life then developed anorexia, hit 70 lbs at 5'4", was hospitalized, and have suffered many relapses since then. this past fall, I hit 85 lbs. and was hospitalized again, then went away to residential treatment. i gained to 120 lbs., looked good, felt good, and had my life together for a good three months. then i started binging.
ive been binging since may and stopped exercising out of depression in june. i hit 145 lbs this past weekend and am probably higher now because i binge everyday. i was never overweight in my entire life or anywhere near it. i a so disgusted with myself now though and that just makes me want to eat even more.
im going to try and start exercising again tommorow by joining a gym. and im going to try and stick to a 2000 calorie diet, opposed to the 5000 + calorie one that i currently consume daily. i need to lose weight because i feel lethargic and sick. hopefully we can both do this.
would you like a support buddy? maybe we could help eachother through this?
|Young Calorie Counters||YCC'ers: What's on YOUR MENU today?||Jun 08 2011
pappilonpixie- I know you're not trying to be mean, you're just being honest. I'm screwing up bad in so many ways though. I've been on this ever-lasting binge for the past week and have put on 10 lbs. above my target weight since. My therapist says that it'll go away once I start following my maintainence plan (which they have set at 3000 calories), but I don't know. 3000 seems so high. And I feel like such a failure for binging. But I'm up at 1 am now, wanting to binge on icecream, so obviously I didn't get enough in today. Anyway, here's tommorow's plan...
Breakfast- 1 cup fiberone mixed with 1/2 cup cottage cheese, apple, scrambled egg with spinach, pb&j toast 600
Lunch- Flatout with tuna and hummus (really good combo, trust me!), 2 cups light icecream with black berries, pepper strips, kashi tlc bar or southbeach cereal bar 790
Snack- String cheese, orange, special K crackers, turkey slices 310
Dinner- Idk, may be going out with friends so probably something with them (hopefully Panera, so a full Strawberry Pecan Chicken Salad and a cup of Black Bean soup) 500
Snack- 2 Turkey Torillias, Greek Yogurt, Cocoa Roasted Almonds, Cran Bran Vitatop, Carrot sticks, Cucumbers 450
Workout- 1 hour Arc Trainer, 30 minutes squats, reverse crunches, pushups, planks, and wallsits
Hopefully the binge weight will come off soon!
|Young Calorie Counters||YCC'ers: What's on YOUR MENU today?||Jun 08 2011
Breakfast: 2 Nutrigrain waffles with 1/4 cup sugar free syrup, 1 cup grapes, 1/2 cup cottage cheese, 1/2 cup scrambled eggwhites
Lunch: Turkey Sandwhich on light bread with miracle whip, 6 oz. Canteloupe, pepper strips, greek yogurt, cran bran vitatop
Snack: 2 nutrigrain waffles with 1/4 cup sugar free syrup, apple, cottage cheese, turkey
Snack (same thing again... I was on a waffle kick! lol): 2 nutrigrain waffles with 1/4 cup sugar free syrup, turkey, cottage cheese, cucumber slices
Dinner: Two Turkey Dogs with sugar free ketchup on light bread, cheesy broccoli, salad with greek dressing, protein shake made with 2 TBS syntrax nectar vanilla whey, davinci sf vanilla syrup, guar gum, xanthan gum, and stevia
Workout: 30 minutes strength training (wallsits, planks, reverse crunches, leg lifts, squats, pushups), 60 minutes on the arc trainer.
|Young Calorie Counters||losing the freshman 15||Jun 08 2011
Ugh, I have no idea what is good and bad for me anymore. I just know that I am so disgusted with myself... my stomach looks like a stump... my legs like stumps too, I gained no curves just fat. And it feels horrible. I just want to get back down to 115 lbs., because that's where I was when my doctors told me I was weight restored. I have a really small frame and extra weight looks odd on me. It just doesn't fit. Anywhere between 115-120, I look normal, but above that, it's just not right.
I stuck to the diet plan and exercise for today, but might up my calories to 2500 tommorow because of my history. I did lose a pound since Friday, when was encouraging. Hopefully, without the 7000 calorie binges, the weight will fall off without having to restrict my calories. Atleast, that's what my therapist says will happen... Time will tell. I just want to feel confident in a bathing suite again like I did in March when I bought my first bikini if four years.
|Young Calorie Counters||losing the freshman 15||Jun 07 2011
I would love a support group for this! I only started college (summer session) three weeks ago, but have gained 10 lbs. of true weight from binging since I'm so stressed out with the eccentric pace of summer courses. It's 16 weeks condensed into 6, so things move REALLY fast. I dropped my Psych class yesterday, because it was going so fast (6 chapters a week, exam on the each wednesday, too), that I wasn't learning anything!
But with all the stress, I was binging up to 7000 calories on somedays. I'd start off the day with a healthy breakfast, but then get a milkshake before class, nearly nod off in class from all the sugar (not to mentione from having to sit still for four hours!), then get out of class and get Taco Bell. After Taco Bell, I'd go back to McD's for a McFlurry, come home, eat a few PB&J's, then get started on the chocolate and icecream and BAM the day would be shot. I'd eat to the point where I'd fall asleep, wake up, and do it all over again in between studying.
My exercise habits have also been crap. I used to do 90 minutes of strength training a day (which I realized is too much), and run about 4 miles. But my ankles been all swollen since last week, so I haven't been doing as much cardio. But yesterday, I got back on track with 30 minutes of strength training and an hour on the recumbant bike.
I'd like to lose about 2 lbs. a week. I'm planning on eating 1800 calories a day of good, whole foods, and doing 6 hours of cardio and 3.5 hours of strength training per week. I'm 5'5", and before the weekend's binge (which was basically gorgin myself every day), I was 125 lbs. Probably more now, which is so depressing. All the clothes that I bought FOR summer barely fit me now. I looked in the mirror last night a just started to cry- I gained everything right back on my thighs and stomach that I worked my butt off to get a six pack out of! Ah! It was terrible.
To make a long story short though, I WANT TO AND NEED TO STOP BINGING! I want to get down to 115 by the 4th of July, becuase that's when I'll be going to visit my cousins and seeing all my family. .
Maybe we could post our meal plans and exercise plans for the day, and then follow up to see if we stuck to them?
Anyway, here's my plan for the day....
30 minutes strength training (planks, wallsits, reverse crunches, leglifts, squats, pushups)
Breakfast- 2 low fat nutrigrain waffles, 1/4 cup sugar free syrup, 1 cup grapes, 1/2 cup 1% cottage cheese, 1/2 cup scrambled egg whites
Lunch- 2 Low carb Turkey Wraps, Cocoa Roasted Almonds, an Apple, Pepper Strips, and a Light String Cheese
Workout: One hour on the Arc Trainer
Snack- Vitamuffin (chocolate) and Carrot Sticks
Dinner- Grilled Chicken Breast Flatout with Miracle Whip, Baked Potatoes with Just for One Cheesy Broccoli, Spinach Salad with fat free greek dressing and tomato
Snack- 1/2 cup fiberone, Cran Bran Vitatop, Greek Yogurt, Cucumbers, Turkey Sandwhich on Lite Bread
Good Luck everyone! I hoep we can all lose this stupid weight!
|Young Calorie Counters||Is it possible to still grow after anorexia?||Jun 07 2011
Well if you want to keep growing, make sure that you're eating enough fro someone with a history of ED. That means atleast 2500 calories for maintainence (search some of Hedgren's posts for further justification as to why you need this much).
That being said, if you eat right, it is possible to grow after anorexia. I went into treatment this past november after l livedd at a chronically low weight for 6 years (ages 13 to 19) and didn't grow a single inch between then.
I also never went through puberty or anything else. I've been weight restored though since January, and since then have grown a full inch! During the months that it took for me to restore my weight, I also went through puberty (really rushed lol), healed my bones, heart, liver, and kidneys.
It's really not about the weight though so much as it is lifestyle. Because there were times when I was at a healthy weight during that 6 year time period, but not takin in enough energy, so I never grew.
|Weight Gain||Advice needed - I need to combat this||May 21 2011
Oh my gosh, i kknow how difficult this can be. I've had nutritionists like this in the past, while I was in a similar, dangerouse place weight wise. And it always frustrated me. Finally, after almost dying from allowing ED to just "sit back" and choose the 1600 calorie diet a nutritionist wanted me on, I've learned to avert ALL control over to nutritionists who SPECIALIZE in Eating Disorders.
My current nutritionist will, from time to time, ask me what I want to do. Or tell me that "I could" increase my calories (I'm in maintainence now), if I wanted to. I just have to flat out tell her though to choose FOR me, becuase if the decision is left up to me, I'll allow ED to take over.
It was hard to say the first few times, but now, it's gotten alot eaiser. I just tell her NOT to leave any decisions up to me, because I'm not good at making decisions when it comes to recovery, but do want to follow the proper advice. So I just tell her to do whatever she thinks is best. Same goes for my doctor.
I would honstly though, in your situation, go up to 3000 calories. Weight gain is hard enough to deal with, and eating lower calorie amounts is only going to prolong it. Plus, you may and probably DO really need 3000 to repair your metabolism!
When I was in recovery from a relapse this past winter, I was eating 4000 calories a day to gain weight. And it really fixed my metabolism, my bathroom issues, cold spells, and everything else that came along with a reduced metabolic rate. Currently, I'm back to running for a half hour a day, doing a half hour of strength training, and needing 3000 calories to stay at a BMI fo 19-20.
In DBT, we learned about a really simple, yet useful skill called "acting opposite". It's as easy as it sounds. When ED comes in your head, you simply act opposite of whatever it wants you to do. So with ED in your head right now, telling you NOT to increase the caloriesl, I'd go ahead and act opposite, start eating 3000, and get my recovery going.
Best of luck to you.
|Weight Gain||Back after 1 year (lord hear our prayer)||May 15 2011
Glad to see youre back. I can completely relate to your post. I've had anorexia for six years, was in and out of treatment several times, but it never stuck. Even though I almost died when I was 13, ti wasn't enough to change me around. Then I hit rock bottom...
This past fall, I relapsed, again, and had to be hospitalized... again. I was in college and had to drop out even, and then it just clicked that I wasn't going to get anywhere in life if I couldn't even finish college.
I knew that something needed to change. I was lying in my bed all day crying when I got home from the hospital and just knew I couldn't heal at home. It took me losing everything to realize what I truley had.
So after I got discharged from the hospital, where I was told that my liver and kidneys were permanently damaged, along with my heart, I signed myself away to an out of state, residental treatment facility.
It was the hardest, yet most worthwhile decision I ever made in my life. I lived away from home for the first time in my life for three months. I missed my family dearly and cried everyday. But I found God, I came to terms with how LUCKY I was to have the family I had, and decided to truley let it all go, because I knew I'd never have anything with my ED.
My kidneys healed miraculously, along with my liver and heart. I still struggle with things today, but moreso on the binging end of things, and like to say that I've made great progress.
I hope you don't have to hit rock bottom in order to change. But I do hope that you can embark upon this journey and truley embrace recovery. I wish you the best of luck in everything. Take care of yourself.
|Weight Gain||Weight gain and Development :l||May 15 2011
I was at the same position you're in, except that I was 18 and still flat chested with no signs of developement really. I still looked like the 12 year old girl I was when my anorexia first started.
From November to January, I gained about 30 lbs. though, and it did come on all in my thighs and stomache first. I was about a size 0-2, dependant upon the shop, with a 25 inch waist and a AA cup size, but I did have a butt once I was weight restored.
Now, three months later, I HAVE BOOBS for the the first time in my life and have gone up to a B cup. I where a size 0 in cltohing and my waist has gone down to a 23 inch size, yet, I'm still at the same weight. But I don't have that apple shape anymore, I have a real, hour glass figure. And it feels great.
So I guess that the wweight gain didi eventually allow me to develope, but I had to wait a while for everything to redistribute properly. It feels so good now to have an actual body. I haven't been able to buy a bathing suit for four years, becuase of embarressment over how flat chested I am, but I bought my first one since then this year and am excited to wear it! So wait things out a bit, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. I'm proof that it's never too late to go through puberty lol
Best of luck to you!
|Weight Gain||im recovered-want to help if you have questions about ANYTHING||Apr 24 2011
Yeah, I agree with the above user. You've deffinetly made alot of progress, but if you stay at this weight currently, you're only setting yourself up for a relapse. I should know- I did the same thing and have suffered through three major relapses over the past four years.
So try gaining to a BMI of 20, and eat 2500 calories a day, continuosuly, for atleast six months post weight restoration. Hedgren has alot of good information on why this is the best way and proven way to stay recovered, so if you search for her posts, I'm sure you'll find alot of information.
Best of luck to you, and congratulations on the strides that you have made. Keep moving forward!
|Weight Gain||Gain Weight or Sent Away???||Apr 24 2011
Please, gain the weight. Eat 3500-4000, as much as your body can take. I had a measly 15 lbs. to gain, *or else*. All I had to do was gain atleast a pound a week, so essentially, just GAIN.
I was in college, doing very well, but an emotional mess with the Eating Disorder. So I chose the *or else* and ended up in a hospital bed I SWORE I'd never be in again. And THEN I made up my mind and KNEW that I needed to go away to treatment to get better.
So I went to an out of state facility that was 10 hours away form my home, my firends, my family. I had to drop out of college on a medical leave. I stayed at the residential place for three months. I missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, and sepnt New Year's in a cold, wooden floored room, sitting iwth a nurse, watching the ball drop by myself. Way to bringin the new year.
I finally came home in February, and was doing good for about a month. The treatment team where I went bumped my target weight higher than what it would have been if I'd just had gained at home- by about 10 lbs.
After the honeymoon period of being home owore off, I started restricting to 1900 calories, which was bad since I actually stopped counting calories in treatment. I lost about 5 lbs., and am now working to actually gain those pounds back.
Because this time, THERE IS NO MONEY LEFT to go back to treatment. My parents can only do so much to help me- and they've done just about everything. So it's either buck up, or lose my family, my life, and my future.
Here I am, after three months of hell that I thought would pay off, still on caloriecount, freaking out because I ate 2200 calories ttoday, thinking that my metabolisms too low if I can maitain on 1900. And my doctor wants me at 2500.
I'm still rambling, and still **** up. All for $30, 000 plus whatever insurance covered. I'm not saying that residental doesn't work- I saw alot of girls come out of theplace that I went to succeed- I'm just saying that I wish I WOULD HAVE COMPLIED initially, before things got so screwed up.
If I had that cahnce back, to start gaining weight, I'd go for it. That's why I'm pushin myself now. Residential is HARD, becuase you learn how to live a recovered, beahvior free life in a fake enviroment, and then have to come home and RE-LEARN how to live an ED free life in a totally new, and triggering enviroment.
So start pounding the nut butters, the clif bars, hell, buy some boost if you have to. Trsut me, you have a CHANCE right now. DON'T WASTE YOUR CHANCE! There is so much life out there, waiting to be lived by you. Trust me, you don't want to go to residential. But if you're that deep in the disorder that you can't take advantage of this chance, then maybe you do need to go.
I wish you the best of luck and apoogize for the long winded response. I would just hate to see someone else go through the same **** that I did all because of a not gaining weight.
|Health & Support||Low blood sugar||Oct 26 2010
Agru. I'm sorry! I just read your other post after writig this response, and felt like a total idiot :( I wish you the best in your recover from an injury... I know it sucks having to rest, but keep reminding yourself it's only temporary. I know, that doesn't do a whole lot in the moment, but it may help? Also, try to keep your hands busy, if anything else. I just got off a week of bedrest myself (hospital) and was very reliant upon cross word puzzles, sudokus, making bracelets, even coloring! Writing and reading were helpful, too, and I watched a few good movies during my down time.
Anyway, back to the blood sugar... have you been tested for diabetes? Maybe try going to your doctor and getting a referral to an endcrinologist. Possibly, your body's not absorbing carbohydrates properly or something?
Additionally, stress can cause hypoglycemia! When the adrenals are overworked, your blood sugar naturally loses stability. And you, my dear, seem to be in a quite stressful situation :( Easier said than done, again, but try some relaxation techniques, make sure you're getting adequate sleep, ect.
Overall though, I'd say see a doctor. And I really hope you feel better soon... I'm so sorry about your current situation.
|Health & Support||Low blood sugar||Oct 26 2010
Having Maintained an "almost healthy weight" for such a prolonged time period is problem number one. Your body hasn't gotten a chance to acheive true homeostasis in ages. With ED's, "almost" just doesn't cut it. Your body's been through so much trauma, thus, is less resilant. Therefor, the slightest variations, that would normally not effect people (ie: going more than a few hours without food) wreak havok on your weakened system.
Secondly, 1300-1600 calories a day is just not enough. I'm going to have to go ahead a reference the infamous Hedgren's 2500 calorie posts... you need to keep your calorie levels high, post recovery even, to allow the internal repair caused by the ED to resolve themselves. Since you have yet to reach a healthy weight, I'd suggest bumping those calories up to 2500.
And agru, maybe you could try bumping the cals up too? I know you're maintaining, but believe it or not, going to 2500 may not cause gain, since the extra calories would simply go toward helping your body stabalize itself. It's kind of a quality of life issue versus weight gain. You can maintain on 2000 but be dragging yourself throughtout the day- plauged with fatigue, cold, ect. Then you could also maintain on 2500, with a revved up body, full of energy, ect. Basically, I think in your situation, extra calories would simply allow you to feel better physically.
Finally, if you girls are still having trouble with your blood sugar, make sure you're eating enough fats, proteins, and slow digesting carbohydrates. Keep your meals balances, with a protein, carb, and fat, in order to prevent sugar crashes. I had some hypoglycemic episodes last year myself, and after eliminating a slew of possibilities (I even got tested for diabetes), I came to terms with reality. I was five pounds below my target weight range at the time, and once I gained the weight back, my blood sugar seemed to regulate.
|Weight Gain||Nutrition for Weight Gain||Oct 19 2010
Sorry I actually slept last night! So I'm just now getting back to you. But I am SO SO PROUD of you for having that chocolate! And you can certainly not be eating too much right now, heck, I'd even reccomend bumping your calories up to 3000. Food at this point equals medicine. Every calorie is facilitating your body in the healing process, which entails so much more than weight gain- but your mind and physiological state, too.
Think of it this way when making food selections... It's now or never. You either disobey ED now and eat what YOU really want, or never be able to have your voice back. I totally can sympathize with how long this has been in dealing with ED... I'm 18 and have been in and out of recovery since age 13. Niether of us can give up though... the only way out is full recovery. It's going to be tough, but we can do it, free of ED!
EDIT: I wanted to add that I just had some chocolate pudding in honor of your smart intuition!
|Health & Support||ALL Exercise Restricted?||Oct 19 2010
Your body is burning so much more than you think right now, due to the internal repairs that are taking place. So disreguard any calorie calculators, first off, and make sure that you're consuming ATLEAST 2500 minimum a day. This is without any exercise.
Now, if your doctor has approved physical activity, you'll obviously have to incorporate some additional nourishment in order to compensate. However, DONNOT go against any medical professional's advice in terms of exercise... THEY KNOW WHAT'S BEST! Working out when underweight can pose serious health complications that often times sneak up on you when you least expect it.
So, to answer your question, you will not be ok if you eat "what you burn". Those burn numbers apply to someone at a healthy weight with typical needs. As a result of your current low weight though, you need more. 2500 bare minimum, even when not active.
|Health & Support||How did you challenge your ED today?||Oct 19 2010
I asked for the dietician to increase my MP today. I figure, the faster I can renourish myself, the faster I can get out of here and begin real recovery at Carolina House. I'm still orthostatic though fingers crossed for good vitals in the morning!
Also, when asked if I wanted to know my weight, I said "no", since I knew it would just trigger further aggrivation.
|Weight Gain||Nutrition for Weight Gain||Oct 18 2010
Fat is a nessercary nutrient, part of a balance diet. Ideally though, you'd be able to eat above maintainence calories without fearing macro nutritient ratios. I know this is easier said than done, seeing as I struggle with the same issue (wondering which foods are 'the best' to gain on, ect.)
I'd really advocate making sure your eating patterns aren't RESTRICTIVE, above all. Liberal eating and DISOBEYING ED THOUGHTS is what you should pay attention to, in order to get healthy and still feel fit. Because even if you reach your weight on the "perfectly, nutritionally sound" diet (which there is no such thing as!), your ED thoughts will still be there. And they'll get you in the end, stealing away all your "fitness" and so much more.
I'm sorry if I sould harsh, but I was in your same position this past summer. A few pounds under my weight range, failing to take things seriously. Thought I needed the healthiest foods to gain, held onto ED. And now, I'm back in the hospital, FAR FROM FIT (I have to miss my 10k this weekend, without a doubt), with a damaged heart.
Go and eat some chocolate right now. Have a fear food everyday. Savor it. Dissconnect your love for fitness from your obsession with perfecionism and everything ED. Nourish yourself, treat your body right, and your body will return the favor. Maybe you CAN even be an athlete again! One things for sure, you'll never last as anything, as long as you're still with ED. Best of luck to you, I'm rooting for you! Feel free to message me, too, if you need anything.
|Health & Support||Leaving for Residental, Holding on in the Meantime||Oct 18 2010
Hey everyone, I'm going to do a seperate post in the weight gain forum, just to stress how fast things can go down hill even if you "feel fine" one day, but...
I'm writing from the hospital as we speak. After my post yesterday, I fell asleep, yet again, and became further concerned about the severe lethargy. So I had my mom take my pulse which was 44. We drove to the ER shortly after, to learn that my heart has encountered some damage. By the time I got checked in, my pulse was down to 32, and dipped into the teens during the night...
Additionally, I have low white blood cell count and suspected hypothyroid. This was WITH still getting my period, ect, so it just goes to show how menses is NOT a complete marker of health. I'm a good 15 lbs. below my target weight right now, so irrespective of mensturation, I'm very sick.
Carolina House is still a go though, once I get stablalized. I'm being very compliant with my meal plan and am actually frustrated that they're feeding me so little... but they want to avoid refeeding syndrom, so I disgress.
Thank you all though for the kind words. God is watching over right now for sure, and I know that he was there, triggering my inuitive decision to go the the Emergency Room. The hospital sucks, but atleast I'm safe, and will be strong to tackle ED once and for all upon discharge.
Bless you all, and PLEASE, take everything seriously with ED. You can fall so fas and not even know it...
|Health & Support||Lack of motivation in recovery||Sep 28 2010
Tori, I am so happy your responded. While all feedback is greatly appreciated, I was escpecially hoping that you'd have some input, given everything you've overcome...
I am just having such a hard time right now, since there is no eminent danger present. I feel like I could just hold on forever and not be physically harmed. I'm tired all the time but attribute it to lack of sleep. But I can't sleep because of food or thougts or something ED related. See, it's like a circular battle in my head...
And now I'm more reluctant to up my cals and reduce exercise, because I gained 2 lbs. this past week. I was eating an average of 3200 daily with the hour of cardio and thirty minutes of strength training. And the scariest part was that I was hungry.
On my home scale I'm 102 lbs., 6 away from goal. My appetite and cravings are freaking me out. I can go hours without getting hungry, but once I start eating, there's no stopping. My therapist, inspite of my weight gain, still wants me to edat the 4000. She said that's what I need to do to dissobey ED.
But my goodness now I am so disgusted with myself and feeling more urges than ever to just skip meals. But I want food too, which is scary... I fear I'm addicted to food. I know I'm obsessed with it. I'm scared I'll go overboard.
Like today, I ate breakfast which was 700 calories, then dragged my ass through my writing class, came home, and slept. I went to therapy at noon, came home, and ate an 800 calorie lunch. This was accompanied by alot of hesitation and crying, so I didn't finish until 2 pm. Still hungry though, still wanting more food. So at 3 pm, I had a 300 calorie snack, and then another 300 calories immediatley after! I felt so out of control, because it was like I wanted the other 300 (a powerbar) just for the taste. I talked with my mom and she said to have the powerbar, and it would be less for me to eat later. So I did that.
Then I slept some more, depressed, scared, and anxious. Hopeless. I woke up and headed back to campus so I could workout at the rec center. No, I didn't reduce my time, but had an amazing workout. Actual energy. It was incredible.
Once I was done, I got some Subway for dinner. By the time I got home at 8:30, I was shaking, cold, dizzy, ect. I get like this sometimes and am scared that it's my hypoglycemia coming back. I had spontaneous hypoglycemia last year that resolved itself. Anyway, it went away after eating.
Dinner was 900 calories, and immediatley after I finished, I wanted more food. But I told myself I had to sit and wait for 20 minutes, and if I was still hungry then, I could just get my last snack out of the way. But I was satisfied after sitting, so ended up getting my last snakc (500 calories) just now.
Still, I only made it to 3600 today. And I feel compelled to "restrict", to prove that food is not in control of me. These thoughts are so ED. Ugh. I want out, but don't want to do the things nessecary to escape.
I could see upping my calories to 4000 if I would have lost this week, but with a gain, I'm struggling to reach 4000. It makes me (ok, ED) feel gluttonous. Out of control.
I'm scared my hunger will never cease, that I'll become a binger and never be able to stop gaining weight. I'm sorry for the irrational response. I really apprecaite your input though. Were you ever gaining on low amounts of calories and still upped the calories irregaurdless? Did it benefit you? How do you follow through with getting your meals independently and such, even though you're out of "the danger zone"? Again, I wish I could sound more coherent. It's just a very rough time for me right now, this is the first time I've ever taken recovery into my own hands.
Thank you so much for listening.