Posts by lostpumpkins


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The Lounge Parenting woes.... Nov 26 2014
13:51 (UTC)
4

Thanks guys for all of the responses and suggestions.

 

I've had many conversations with Payton about his "job" at school.  I've stressed to him that schoolwork isn't optional and that he is required to do what is asked of him (or to at least try...I don't want him to panic if he gets an assignment he doesn't understand...but I do want to see an effort).  I'm concerned that later down the road, it's going to turn into a "behavior issue".  We--the school and I--are all in agreement that he has learning disabilities...but I don't think those disabilities give him an excuse to "refuse" (or decline, or neglect) to do work. 

He just doesn't seem to take anything seriously.  Which, I mean, he's ten, so he's not really supposed to.  But I know plenty of other kids his age, and younger, who still seem to understand the importance and necessity of actually doing schoolwork.  It sort of boggles my mind that he just doesn't.  I guess I've done a really crappy job of teaching him responsibility.  The funny (ironic really) thing is that when he was younger, I was much harder on him...perhaps too hard sometimes.  Which is why now, I'm so hesitant to bring the hammer down on him.

 

I thought about it a lot last night and we're just going to have to toughen up on him.  For his own sake.  Nothing extreme, but the fact of the matter is that he does get extra help at school...his school does make allowances for his disabilities...and he's still not willing to do his part, for whatever reason. 

I'm going to sit him down this weekend and have a conversation with him about responsibility.  I want him to begin to see cause and effect...see how changing behaviors can yield alternate outcomes.  I think that after Thanksgiving break, I'm going to go ahead and take some beloved tv and video game time away and see if we can't do better.  :(

The Lounge Parenting woes.... Nov 25 2014
18:23 (UTC)
17
Original Post by spoiled_candy:

You said he likes to draw.  Why not try this and see if it works.
When he comes come from school let him draw/ paint/ colour for an hour.  Let him use this talent to get his feelings out about school.  Instead of asking him about his day, ask him to paint his day.  Since words are hard for him to express this may give you more of a clue on how his day went than anything he could say.

I think the punishment should not apply to school work because grades are not a very good point system.  Unless you need grades for university, that is a different story.  He probably absorbs more then you know, he just can't express it.

Take care

Another good idea!

The Lounge Parenting woes.... Nov 25 2014
18:22 (UTC)
18

Hmmm....

I like the monopoly money idea, for sure.

And yes, weekly meetings/reports would be nice.  His teacher is very unorganized and seems not to care for me.  I have emailed her in the past and gotten no reply, ever.  And then, out of nowhere, she'll email me something scathing...as if I had never contacted her prior.  It's a very weird dynamic.

 

Why is the idea of a people pleaser scary?  I don't mean it in any extreme way...I think a lot of kids say what they think adults want to hear in situations where they are in trouble or when they are asked to explain themselves.

The Lounge Parenting woes.... Nov 25 2014
18:02 (UTC)
22
Original Post by runoff55:

What's Paytons' take on the situation?


Sigh.

Conversations are hard.  Payton has language issues coupled with an intense desire to please/say what you want to hear.  So, if I scold him...his immediate response is, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

He's not able to verbalize why or how thing happen...or to say, for instance, "I did this because of that."  If I ask him why he doesn't do his work, the most common answer I get is, "I don't know."

And I think that there are so many things at play that he probably doesn't really know.  He's bored, he's overwhelmed, he doesn't understand the material, he prefers to draw, it's habit, he's lazy, etc, etc.  What I need him to understand is that none of those things get him a get-out-of-schoolwork-free card.

I've taken TV and video games away before.  Like I said, we've never done any sort of restrictions or punishments long term, so I can't say that they haven't been effective...we just didn't stick with it long enough for it to work.

The Lounge Parenting woes.... Nov 25 2014
17:58 (UTC)
23
Original Post by nomoreexcuses:

Just remember that all hope is not lost. Not yet.

I wasn't a very good student (mostly Cs, occasional other grades) until I had a serious situation that almost made me repeat the 6th grade, after which, I turned over a brand new leaf and became a straight A student for the rest of my academic career - got academic scholarships and everything.

Sometimes I'll have a student who is not doing well and complaining about the paper they're supposed to write and I cheerfully tell them,

Don't worry - we'll always need fast food workers. And there is no shame in an honest job and an honest day's work. You won't make much money, but money can't buy you happiness.

Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be a good intervention to have a little taste of child labor. Like, if a kid won't do any school work, tell them, Since you have no interest in learning, we're going to let you go ahead and work a bit and earn some money. I suspect that this would all of a sudden inspire in them a burning desire to learn things. Or if not, maybe find their calling as a farmhand, seamstress or miner.


I actually like the idea of this.  Lol.  I can just imagine....

The Lounge Parenting woes.... Nov 25 2014
17:18 (UTC)
26
Original Post by meganr:

If he is on the autism spectrum, he may not be truly capable of caring what sort of grief you're going through.  Also, he's 10 and not his job to make his mom feel better.  I hope that doesn't sound harsh, it's pretty much a lesson I had to learn myself. 

 


It's not harsh, but misguided.

I am not looking to him for relief for my feelings.  The least of my concerns is how I feel.

My concern is that he will fail fourth grade.  And then fifth.  And then sixth.  And then he will be 18 before he even gets to high school and will spend another 8 years struggling through that.  That's a slight exaggeration, but is closer to the truth of what I'm worried about than my own feelings.  Being a mom is a worrisome task, I've accepted that.  I want him to do better for himself.  I want him to see and understand that life is a hell of a lot easier if you make an effort and try your best.  I want him to be responsible because it will pay off for him in the rest of his life, not just in his fourth grade classroom.

The Lounge Parenting woes.... Nov 25 2014
16:14 (UTC)
30

I acknowledge his disabilities (whatever they might be) and weaknesses...I guess I just want to see some sort of effort and I do believe he is capable of showing it.

The Lounge I need to justify why I need my husband to help me get kids to school Nov 07 2014
21:58 (UTC)
11

Payton and I are golden in the morning.  He's a morning person, I'm getting better at it.  He does what I tell him, I do what I have to.  He's a boy so we don't have to worry about matching sparkly tutus to flowing hair ribbons and what not.  Mornings are the time I feel the most efficient as a mom.

The Lounge I need to justify why I need my husband to help me get kids to school Nov 07 2014
21:56 (UTC)
12

I guess I've been a single mom too long...

But it always baffles me how one parent always ends up asking for "help" from the other, in whatever direction it goes.  It's not help.  It's your job.  It's not a favor.  And furthermore, I get that asking is polite...but asking indicates that it's optional.  Like, "Hmmm...these kids that I'm 50% responsible for being in existence are being hooligans...now, do I feel like pitching in or...no?"

How does the work end up distributed so unevenly?  I get that some things end up being divided according to schedule or who is better at making spaghetti noodles that don't all stick together in a big wad...but if you guys are both in the house at the same time...why in the heck haven't you both always been getting the kids ready together?  How did it ever end up that he was doing nothing, you were doing everything, and now you're requesting some assistance??

The Lounge CHAT Me to the River / Drop Me in the Water Sep 29 2014
13:08 (UTC)
171

I never come in Chat anymore and don't get on CC very often and I know it's crazy early but...

I don't want to miss Chattermas this year!  Last year was my first year and I really got into it and enjoyed it.  So please, when you guys start coordinating all that, keep me in mind.

Hope everyone is doing smashingly well.

The Lounge Worst sex ever Sep 12 2014
19:29 (UTC)
3
1). The guy with the smallest unit EVER who was convinced that it was ENORMOUS. He kept asking me if it was painful. I was thinking, "Physically?". He was the same guy who used his whole face for...well, you know. Like...pressed his face into every nook and cranny like he was trying to leave an imprint in concrete. No bueno.

2). The guy who imitates a dolphin in the middle of the act. In his defense, it was his first go round ever but...it was quite unsexy. Poor fella.

3). Most of the times I've hooked up with exes it was disappointing. They usually get fat and laxy in the interim. And then I'm like, "Damn I missed Real Housewives for this."

4). Oh god. The first time I attempted to allow a driver down the alternate route. Oh God oh god...there are so many things one should understand before going "there"! There should really be mandatory safety training.

5). There was a poop incident, also.

6). The guy who talked just like the nutty professor the whole time.

Actually...considering how much sex I've had, I'm pretty lucky. More good than bad really.
The Lounge New Apartment...Yikes! Sep 05 2014
20:36 (UTC)
18

I feel sick to my stomach............

uggghghghghghghghghg I'm scared

And of course, it's supposed to rain tomorrow.  Of course.

The Lounge New Apartment...Yikes! Sep 05 2014
17:23 (UTC)
35

I feel pretty confident we have our necessities.  Because, really, that doesn't boil down to a lot.  Sleeping, eating, bathing...these are necessities.  I wish I'd had more time and money to get decorative stuff, but I know I can get those things here and there over time.

The Lounge New Apartment...Yikes! Sep 05 2014
17:22 (UTC)
36
Original Post by cellulitedelight:

You know, when my husband and I moved into our first apartment we thought we had everything.  We had a little modular sofa set.  We bought a table and chair set at the thrift store.  We had a mattress and two sheet sets.  Hangers, laundry baskets, all of our cooking necessities.  What else could we possibly need?

About a week after we moved in we discovered it through a combination of teenager diets and fear of pooping in a new toilet.  By the time we were both ready to unleash our nasties in our new home, we realized we didn't have a plunger.

Buy a plunger.

It's so funny you say that.  It's one of the first things I bought.  Actually a plunger/brush combo.

Almost everything on the internet that I read about first time apartment-ers, everyone always says, "Buy a plunger!!"

I don't even know why it occurred to me, really.  I can't even remember the last time I needed one.

The Lounge New Apartment...Yikes! Sep 05 2014
14:42 (UTC)
48

TVFH, I wish you were moving out of the apartment I'm moving into.  I could use a new vacuum!

Love the curtain idea, Cat.

I literally just decided I'm taking Simon (my dog) with me.  I wasn't going to because of the pet deposit...but I need him.  And I think it'll make me feel safer.  And I already have a kennel and everything, so we're good to go on that.

I'm most anxious about money.  On paper, my budget works.  I have enough money to take care of things.  But I've never done this before and the stakes are bigger.  If I miscalculated and overspent at my mom's and couldn't afford rent...no big deal.  I've never had this many expenses....

I'm nervous guys. 

The Lounge Sometimes... Aug 13 2014
01:13 (UTC)
30
I am an excellent conversationalist, but something about small talk is hard for me to handle. I think its because its such a narrow little hallway of talk. Like, you aren't supposed to say too much...but you have to say SOMETHING. And you don't really know the person, probably, so it's like...what could our common ground possibly be? I refuse to talk about the damn weather! So I usually end up saying something awkward like "I like your pants" or something worse like "I feel conflicted about my sexuality today". It could really go either way.
The Lounge Chat a Boom (Don't Ya Jes Love It?) Jul 10 2014
14:47 (UTC)
179

Hey dudes

The Lounge Being single Jul 10 2014
14:45 (UTC)
21

It's all about needing external validation.

I mean, we're pretty much raised to believe that what other people think of us is a reflection of our actual worth and thus extremely important.  Do people see us as successful?  Attractive?  Happy?  Cool?  We grow up performing to get positive feedback.  It's really no wonder that it's so difficult for people to be happy with themselves.

That's definitely what it was/is for me.  I'm getting better...but I thrived so long on attention and relationships with men that it's hard to sort out any self confidence without it.  In my head, it was/is like, "If dudes aren't trying to screw/date me, that clearly means I am undesirable."

It's getting better with age though.  I'm really learning to give myself credit, props and love.  When things got really bad a few weeks ago (mentally and emotionally), I got in the habit of writing down the good choices I'd made every day.  I have this tendency to see myself as such a ****/bad person...I really have to make an effort to encourage myself or it will eat me up.  Sometimes, the list was like:  Cleaned my car out...went for a walk...paid a bill I didn't want to pay...didn't buy shoes...

Unfortunately, a lot of people (myself included) have to learn the hard way that when you base your self worth on outside opinions, it will never be consistent.  People will let you down, change their minds, come and go.  And if your happiness hinges on the decisions they make...it will be up and down and all over the place.  

The Lounge Rock bottom Jun 23 2014
18:33 (UTC)
3

I regret that I missed this thread when it was posted.  Thanks pav, I'm assuming this thread had something to do with me and it absolutely did help to read the experiences of others.

I'm fighting as hard as I can right now.  My biggest obstacle right now is definitely my loss of motivation.  I know I need to do things, any things, in order to get out of this depressive state.  But being in the depressive state makes getting off the couch seems as impossible as taking a quick jog up to New York.  So I don't do the things.  And the less things I do, the less things I want to do...and so on and so forth.  It's f-ed.  I have a friend who keeps trying to take me to lunch and I keep agreeing and then cancelling the day of. It doesn't even make sense that I can't go get a free lunch with someone I truly love but...I just can't seem to do it.

Today is better, tomorrow might be worse.  I'm developing a new coping skill right now that is proving effective.  I think most people think of it as a negative habit, but it's very comforting to me to be short sighted right now.  I simply cannot allow myself to take any inventory of my life in this frame of mind.  I cannot measure or reflect.  I can't dream or fear.  I have to just be in this moment without regretting the one that came before it or worrying about the next one coming.  Right this very minute,  I am alive.  I have food and water and shelter and friends and love. I am OK.

The Lounge Should I just move on or am I overreacting? Jun 23 2014
18:13 (UTC)
8

If you like someone and would like to see them again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with making a couple of respectful attempts to express that.  If he continues to ignore you, move on.

Just out of curiosity:  did he recently break up with someone or get out of a relationship?

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