Posts by lostpumpkins

I always kind of thought that the point (or one of the points) of a relationship was to meet the needs of our partner and get the same in return.

Being told that there are no such things as relationship "needs" makes me feel like there isn't even such a thing as a relationship.  It's just continual bumping into each other and then parting until you bump into each other again.

I can't imagine someone I loved telling me they needed something and me refusing.  If anything, I'd be delighted to have a concrete request, even if it was something I didn't need myself or something I thought was silly. 

Of course, a good thing has been that I'm learning to analyze my needs rather than just feel enslaved to them.  I've discovered that I don't actually need as much communication as I thought...if I am patient with myself, I am fine.   And I don't need to talk about every feeling I have, either.  Again, with patience I can talk myself through things and figure them out without any assistance.

Other things...well, other things I can't decide if I should need or not.

Original Post by vonapathy:

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

This is good stuff.

I hope more people chime in.

I don't know if I'm able to sort my needs out from my insecurities these days.  I'm trying to be more analytical like:  Do I really need this because it makes me feel good...or do I feel like I need it because I feel so bad?? 

Idk if that makes sense...

For me, what helped differentiate between 'need' and 'insecurity' was; does fulfilling this requirement make me happy? Like, smile on my face, all is right in the world kinda happy? or merely less anxious/sad/lonely?

Thank you.  Jotting that down...

Original Post by reygordo:

Pavlovcat:  I agree.  But as I said in the OP, I'm looking for opinions. Surely you have one? 

LostPumpkins: You. I think YOU know.

No.  I reeeaalllly don't.

I know nothing about relationships, long distance or otherwise.

I would say communication is always really important.  But...I mean, duh.

Forever 21 is cheap.  The quality of their clothes is horrendous.  You'll probably learn this as you get older, but it's much wiser to invest a little bit more in good quality clothing that will last a long time than to blow little bits of money at a time on crap that doesn't hold up to laundering and general wear.

I second Plato's closet though.  Not a teenager, but I shop there all the time now...it's awesome.  Feels like I'm getting a steal.  They only buy things that are in good condition and everything is really reasonably priced.  Plus, if you have some of your own things to get rid of, you can basically just trade.

Well I think it might take a prticular type of person to agree to and then adhere to the set up.  It would be odd...but then, I don't think necessarily bad.

I've been considering trying to arrange some shared custody with Payton's dad.  For the longest time, every time he brought it up or I thought about it, I'd freak out and think, "But omg, he wouldn't be with me!!  I'd miss him!  What would I do?!"

But if you break it down...for most of us, our kids aren't with us more time than they are anyway.  They go to school or daycare while we work, they go to babysitters while we try to have some sort of social life, they play with their friends, they go visit family, etc.  It's just a different division of the with-time and the apart-time.

And yes, I know there is a big difference between an infant and a nine year old.  However, in  a lot of "traditional" households, moms stay home with the babies and thus run themselves ragged and live on no sleep for months while dad misses out and goes to work and has to balance the work and the home life.  Would it really be that awful for new moms to have entire chunks of uninterrupted time to themselves?  Time that wasn't gifted to them by grandma or a friend stopping by?  Or for new dads to have more time in which to develop their own bonds with the baby and be the sole care provider?

Idk, I just don't think it's terribly outrageous.  I know I would have missed Payton terribly if he'd gone away for a week when he was just freshly born...but then again, it might have done me some good.  And I also didn't enter into any sort of agreement like that.

Hm.  Surprising.

I really figure the more people in a childs love that love and support and care for them, the better. 

We tend to have more expectations of our children than they have of us...meaning, I don't think kids are wired to judge their parents relationships as right or wrong.  I think they can feel when things are unhealthy or toxic or unhappy, but I can't really imagine a child just being really cheesed off because his parents don't hang out with each other if they never did to begin with.

Original Post by sstnkyfeet:

Every study I've ever read points to one parent families leading to troubled children.  To deliberately seek it out strikes me as being the ultimate selfishness.

This wouldn't really be a "one parent family" though...would it?

Both parents are part of the childs family, whether they live together or not. 

There's a difference between being a sole parent and a single parent.

Original Post by iggs:

Original Post by chickey_soup:

 life is not a rom-com.

If it were, I think I'd like to be John Cusack or maybe Ryan Reynolds.

Yum

Original Post by februarystars:

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

I guess I just have to learn to be puzzled quietly? 

Nah.  Just don't always reach out to people to solve the puzzle. Or learn to be okay with not knowing "why" all the time?  

I don't know, I struggle with it too! :)  But you're not broken.  

Yes!!  This skill, I need it!

The why doesn't change the what, so I don't know why I fixate on it so much.

Original Post by theviewfromhere:

Original Post by lostpumpkins:

And furthermore, I believe I attract broken people because I am broken.  I look all around me and see all of these happy couples and I've begun to notice...the people in them are just happy people.  And they would be even if they weren't in a couple.  The relationship isn't their happiness or even a component of it.  I'm not happy...so of course I'm not drawing other happy people.  I'm drawing sociopaths and emotional abusers.  And I'm trying to fix them and in turn fix myself.

Crap.  Dude, I got carried away.  Anyway...although this might appear to be yet another self inflicted romantic tragedy in my life...at least I can say I learned something.

 

there you go.

ready to get un-broken yet?

Very...