Proper-ass freak out

Oh my god, oh my god......If I've been gaining at the rate I have been - a kilo and a half a week - then when I weigh in on Thursday I'll pretty much have a bmi of 18.5. and I'm freaking out, guys.

It's not so much the fatness, but what do I do?  I don't know how to be when I'm not anorexic or a recovering anorexic.  I'm just really freaking out....what if I keep gaining weight?  How do normal people live without gaining weight and calorie counting?  How do normal people manage their diets?  What's a normal diet?  What do I do?

I just want to be all right with my body again.

But I don't know my non-ed identity, and I'm scared, I'm so scared.

I'm sorry.  I know this is all silly, I'm just really having a hard time I think.  Plus the mothership is coming up tomorrow, and I don't know what to say to her, because she and I don't get on at all, but all I really want is a hug.  Can't ask for one though, because then I get accused of emotional manipulation.

I'm just scared, I'm sorry for being this way.  Just ignore me.

And I still suck at maths.

Even with a calculator

Theo,

First of all congratulations! As a recovering anorexic myself I understand the incredible battle that you are doing with ED and all the hard work that has gone in to you getting to the minimun BMI. I hear you about the rapid weight gain I too am gaining about the same amount as you at the moment and it is incredibly overwhelming. Remember though you are reaching the MINIMUN healthy BMI. Your body is still going to gain until it reaches its set point. I was wondering if you had any ED clinics in your area. Where I am located once you reach the minmum BMI you are eligable to join the ED recovery group at the clinic (thats what i'm aiming for) and there you go for group therapy, meals, group meals at restaurants and generally get help on how to get back into  normalcy. Also they give you six weeks to get to a BMI of 20 or you have to leave, you are not allowed to lose or maintain weight more than once or again you have to leave! Eeek that is scary! My N says that people are often at the program for a good year. Hun remember its taken you a long time to battle this demon and it is going to take time to establish a normal pattern again. Take a step back and breath, it will take time and most probably trial and error but you will get there.......look how far you have already come! I wish I had some advice with regards to your mum! Oh I too also really suck at maths! And don't apologise for how you are feeling, personally I find permanently happy people very odd and annoying but then again that may be due to me being sarcastic and pessimistic!;-)

That sums up EXACTLY how I"m feeling now!!! I just hope hope hope that somehow I can reach a healthy weight and BAM, suddenly become normal. Because I don't know how to do that, I don't know how to not stuff my face all the time, I don't know how to identify myself. What on earth will I think about constantly?? I don't know how to not count calories to make sure I"m getting enough, and I freak out if I find I"m anywhere under 2800 cals for the day, what is maintenance? I feel like its become normal to take in 3000 cals and I don't know how to stop it and feel like anyone that eats less must be starving themselves.

I'm fitting into my clothes again and it feels weird. I know that's good but now I don't know what to do because I definitely don't want to go above what I was before and buy new pants again. I"m sorry i'm not much help because i'm as much of a downer today as you are. I'm very baffled by how people maintain a good relationship with food and not think about it and not count calories or worry if they're over or under or if they've eaten nutritionally balanced meals, and somehow still maintain their weight. It seems like some magical phenomena, and i just don't have that talent.

I can tell you that you really are beautiful though and if you need it, give your mom a hug!! And if that doesnt work go to your rugby boys and have them put you in the middle of a big rugby style huddle. Theo sandwich!!! I"ll join you in the center! ;)

thankyou Gilly and Gibbit!  You guys made me feel a lot better this morning!  Gilly, actually, there is a group therapy place near me, but I, uh, may have gotten chucked out for 'disruptive behaviour'....I'm a bad person.  It is scary, the rate of weight gain, and don't worry about being sarcastic and pessimistic, sometimes that's what the world needs!  I also struggle with eating out...how are you doing along the path to recovery?  Your scheme sounds really scary, but your nutritionist sounds great!

gibbit!  YES YES YES! That is exactly how I feel!  I just look at people and I do not understand how they do it!  How they don't think about food!  I know how to lose weight, and I know how to gain it, but I don't know how to just have it, I don't know how to just eat!  Next week, I'm not going to count calories and I'm not so much scared as just confused to how I'll know how much to eat.  What will I eat?  What's a normal meal?  And actually, what if I get there and suddenly all the things I've been doing aren't right?!

I just don't understand a good reltaionship to food....I'm scared that I'm going to reach a healthy weight and still be crazy, and if you're underweight and crazy that's kind of OK, because people expect you to be crazy, you're given a sort of leeway, but if you're a normal weight and crazy, that's just wierd....do you know what I mean?

Thanks guys, it helps to have people in the same position!

Original Post by theofournay:

 I just look at people and I do not understand how they do it!  How they don't think about food!  

They do think about food. They look forward to mealtimes and enjoy checking out a menu in a restaurant or thinking what to pack in a lunch-box or make for supper.   But it might occupy a few minutes out of their day, not take up every waking moment... that's the big difference.   Like supermarket shopping or remembering to do the dry-cleaning... it's just one of many everyday tasks.  You're going to need to be more conscious of what you eat for longer than some so that you don't slip back into old habits.  People like me who have been very overweight have to do something similar.  But as time goes on it'll get easier and easier until, one day, it'll become automatic.

Don't panic.  You've got your life back.  Have fun with it.

Theo, that's awesome!  I'm not far behind you, babe!

I've been advised to reach a BMI of 20--that's the healthy BMI for the average adult.  18.5 is the minimum, to accommodate smaller-framed people such as Asian people. 

Out of curiosity, how many cals are you taking in to get a kilo and a half per week?  I'm struggling to gain at the moment on 3000, and have just upped to 3500 cals.  I know everyone's different, but an idea would be good--if I have to be stuck with ED for a while yet, at least I don't have to be physically!

Also,  my doctor tells me recovered anorectics often need to eat more calories than average to maintain weight for a while.  The metabolism takes time to adjust.  You might even need higher cals for the rest of your life. 

But anyway, don't stress about the cals--you know that I know that's hard too.  Enjoy chocolate cheesecake, and liver and onions without guilt!  Perhaps that should be your celebration dinner!

Congrats!

Mel.  xox

Original Post by gibbit:

That sums up EXACTLY how I"m feeling now!!! I just hope hope hope that somehow I can reach a healthy weight and BAM, suddenly become normal. Because I don't know how to do that, I don't know how to not stuff my face all the time, I don't know how to identify myself. What on earth will I think about constantly?? I don't know how to not count calories to make sure I"m getting enough, and I freak out if I find I"m anywhere under 2800 cals for the day, what is maintenance? I feel like its become normal to take in 3000 cals and I don't know how to stop it and feel like anyone that eats less must be starving themselves.

I'm fitting into my clothes again and it feels weird. I know that's good but now I don't know what to do because I definitely don't want to go above what I was before and buy new pants again. I"m sorry i'm not much help because i'm as much of a downer today as you are. I'm very baffled by how people maintain a good relationship with food and not think about it and not count calories or worry if they're over or under or if they've eaten nutritionally balanced meals, and somehow still maintain their weight. It seems like some magical phenomena, and i just don't have that talent.

I can tell you that you really are beautiful though and if you need it, give your mom a hug!! And if that doesnt work go to your rugby boys and have them put you in the middle of a big rugby style huddle. Theo sandwich!!! I"ll join you in the center! ;)

 Gibbit, I totally relate to everything you said.  I am so worried about getting back to 'normal' whatever that is, and have no idea how I'll cope if I can't count calories.  I'm also concerned about having to lower my intake if I need to.  Not only because I wonder if I'll be hungry, but also because I'm scared it will set off ED again.

Then I have moments where I think I don't care.  Life is more than food and weight.  I wish those moments came more often, but they are definitely turning up more than they used to. 

We only live once.  Might as well enjoy it, and food and eating is part of enjoying life, or should be!

Mel. xox