Proper Discipline for Kids

I want to discuss what people think is the best way to discipline/punish kids. 

I do not have any children yet, but will in a few years *hopefully*.  I have an idea of how children should be disciplined, and so does my husband, and they are very different.  We both think we should discipline our children the way we ourselves were disciplined. :)

We both believe in 'corporal' punishment or 'spanking'.  However, my idea of it is very different from his...

My husband was punished this way:  when they did something wrong, mom or dad would grab a belt (or if it was mom, flyswatter, plastic kitchen spoon, etc.) and spank them.  But the kids would try to avoid spankings by running away, so they ended up chasing the kids around hitting them or grabbing one arm and doing the 'spanking dance' where the child would try to run around the parent in a circle while the parent spanked at them. 

To me, this is wrong for a number of reasons.  First of all, if you are trying to catch a child and spank at the same time, how are you going to be sure you're not really hurting them?  Especially if you are upset! 
Second, it seems like punishment being carried out in this way is 'out of control' and doesn't really seem to instill respect in the children, just fear.  (BTW, my husband also has a big problem with respecting his parents as well as a bit of an authority problem.). 

This is the way I was punished:  when i did something wrong, I was immediately sent to my room.  I would always wait there while my mom AND dad discussed the issue.  Sometimes I'd have to wait in my room until my dad came home from work; but my parents always discussed what they were going to do together first.  If it was not something really bad, I would sometimes get off with just a stern talking-to.  Most of the time I got grounded or punished some way, like no TV or toys, etc.  And sometimes I was spanked, usually only if I did something like outright lie/disobey, be extremely disrespectful, hit or hurt my brother on purpose, etc.  I would get 10 or 15 spankings depending on the severity.  My dad would come into my room, administer the spankings calmly, with me lying on the bed, with a belt.  Then he would let me cry (most of the time he was also crying if he had to spank me), hold me, hug me, tell me he and mom loved me and explain why I got that punishment and what I need to learn from it. 

I think this type of punishment was good because it was done in a controlled fashion, my parents weren't just hitting me out of anger or frustration.  I always understood why I was getting punished and what the purpose of the punishment was.  Most of all, I always knew that even though they were angry, they still loved me and I now understand that they cared about me enough to punish me so that I would learn from an early age that certain behaviors are unnacceptable and only cause you and others pain. 

I would like to hear what others think about spanking.  Do you spank or are you going to?  How did your parents administer discipline?  What do you think about it and how do you think it's affected you?  Thanks for the input!

your parents were great parents. I was so affraid of my dad that an evil look did it for me but my brother on the other hand did do the "dance"  I think that your way is the better way because it explains. This actually gives the child the chance to state their side of the situation even if it is wrong and also there is no wrong interpretation of why they are being punished.  therefore no excuse for doing it again.

coco

let me put it this way: i work with inner-city kids.  if any of my kids told me they were being "spanked" with a belt, i would have the department of child services called and report child abuse.  no joke. 

treat your kids like adults.  you can't be "spanking" them for the rest of their life, so why bother starting?  teach them about the real consequences to their actions (not just how they are going to get in trouble with you).

Personally, I think spanking gets the message through, sometimes, when necessary, when "talking to them" doesn't.

I'm all for treating children like adults when they can understand things, but let's be honest.. it takes time to develop an adult attitude and young ones may not understand that what they're doing is wrong, or may simply be testing authority.

I think your parents did a great job, natalie, and I think that doing it like that makes sense to me. :)

From about.com:

Some experts believe that spanking is child abuse. Spanking is illegal in some countries; Sweden is one. The American Academy of Pediatrics strongly opposes striking a child and says it is a very ineffective form of discipline. I personally do not believe spanking is a good form of discipline, and it can too often be simply an outlet for parental anger. Professionals who do think that spanking can be a disciplinary tool say that ONLY an occasionally open handed swat can be used when ALL OTHER disciplines have failed.

I am all for the Supernanny technique. 

Never had to use corporal punishment. Raised 2 fine, intelligent, responsible young men. Can't advocate it's use either. Inflicting pain does not teach anyone anything.

I'm against spanking. Why would causing your kids pain teach them anything? I understand what your parents did, and telling you what you did wrong and why is definitely a good thing, but I'm under the strong impression it doesn't help overall.

On the other hand, I don't think kids should be treated like adults all the time unless they truly understand and prove themselves, too. So talking to them when they don't understand is wrong doesn't help.

From personal experience, yelling causes trauma, as does hitting and slapping. It changes your entire personality, too. For me, what helped the most was time-out. My mom would sit me down in a boring, quiet location and have me think about what I did wrong. When the time was up, I had to tell her exactly what I did wrong, why it was wrong, and what I plan to do to fix it. Not only did that allow me time to calm down from whatever I did, but it also made me learn something.

Different things work for different people, though.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
  - John Wilmot

I'm against spanking, too. I think parents should model the behavior they want their kids to display. If one wants to teach kids that hitting someone else is okay, then sure, spank. If hitting is not acceptable, don't.

My good friend's father is a child behaviorist; when i described to her the technique my parents used she said it was almost exactly the same as the one her father used, except that her dad used an open hand, like aasil mentioned, instead of a belt, like my dad. 

I really hope that people are reading the whole post before they comment.  I think there are definitely a lot of ways to discipline a child without using physical punishment.  I also think there are times you should use a form of physical punishment, but always in a CONTROLLED manner, and in a way that the child understands what is going on and why, not out of frustration or anger.

My parents spanked me on occasion, but I can't say it was any more effective at deterring me than the shame and embarrassment I would feel at doing something I knew was wrong and being found out.

Discipline is about modifying behavior.  Aversive training is just one tool in the box.  I tend to believe that rewarding desired behaviors is more effective.  And I think there are more effective punishments, when punishment is necessary, than physical force.

I have no opinion on this as I am clueless about kids but I do have a question for phoenix, what did your parents do if you disobeyed and got out of time-out. I know I was a very rebellious child and I liked to test my limits my mom would ground me and 10 min later I would come ou of my room as if nothing ever happened and she did nothing about it so I ended up having little respect for my parents authority. I could practically get away with murder but I've always known right from wrong and I think I turned out alright. Oh and BTW my parents did spank me but it was VERY rarely.

And yes, I read your whole post. Why is it acceptable to hit a child in a "controlled manner"? It's still hitting.

"Discipline" means to teach, not to punish. I think sometimes people forget that.

If your children do not cower when you come home, you have failed as a parent.

-taken from maddox the great

I'm all for spanking.  Spanking is different than beating.  I was spanked and you know what? (ghasp)  I deserved it too.  There was no lasting harm, my butt didn't fall off and my little head did not get all messed up either. 

I believe it should be a case by case decision.  I know some kids who don't need spankings.  I know others that have not responded to any other kind of punishment EXCEPT spanking.

If parents don't want to spank their children, then so be it.  But I do not think it's right for them to tell others how to raise their children.

I was spanked, beaten, smacked, verbally abused...taught me to think of myself in terms of what I shouldn't do rather than what I could accomplish...

I didn't punish my children but I did teach them how to behave.  Remember that setting an example is the most important thing you can do.

Lysistrata,

I agree ? discipline is about modifying behavior.  Most psychologists will tell you that the most effective way of doing so is to reward good behavior instead of focusing on punishing the bad.  When I went to ABA (applied behavior analysis) training after my son was diagnosed with autism, we learned why corporal punishment is not recommended, and other methods of modifying behavior, and it made a lot of sense. 

I personally can?t see how corporal punishment actually teaches a child anything.  It?s not teaching the real consequences of their actions, nor teaching them alternative behavior and its advantages (or I guess it depends on how a parent decides to use it).

I know for a fact it would have done nothing to teach our autistic son anything (in fact, he probably would have regressed into complete withdrawal), and our older son is just too smart to not pull out the ?if it?s wrong for me to hit, why is it okay for you?? response.  Other parents may have a good answer for that, but I wouldn?t.

As it turns out, time outs, denial of privileges, and positive reinforcement are working well for us.

My mother used spanking on me and my brother when we were very little, and then she stopped because of one particular incident in which I wimpered with tears in my eyes "why are you hurting me so much mommy, I'm sorry."  She said after that, she couldn't bear to do it anymore.  She soon discovered that denying Saturday morning cartoons or going outside to play were much more effective deterrents.

Sounds like our parents mostly administered the same style of punishment (to me - my brother was a different story) and except that my dad did yell and stuff.  And if I got spanked, my mom spanked me, not my dad.

When I became a mom, I strongly felt that spanking teaches that when you have a problem, one solution is to hit people.  I didn't want to teach that.

Once a child is old enough to be reasoned with, I feel there is no cause to hit them.  I gave other types of punishment (grounding, physical labor, good deeds/helping other people or apologizing) and lots of discussion, at a level she could understand.

But what do you do with toddlers who do understand what No means, but want to defy you to test the limits of their power. Toddlers are one power-drunk bunch, I tell ya!

Well, I committed to never strike my daughter and so when she acted up, I used a technique I'd read about in a parenting magazine called restrictive holding, I think that's what they called it.

I'd just pick her up and cradle her sort of, but would hold her arms and legs such that she couldn't hit or kick me.  And I'd repeat in a soothing voice I know you're upset, but Mommy's in control until she calmed down. Which only took maybe a minute or two.  Once I was sure she had 'surrendered' I'd release the hold and hug her and tell her I love her and explain that whatever it was she wanted wasn't safe and that it's my job to keep her safe.

I would say I only had to do this technique maybe 3 times, max.  After that, she didn't have to test the limits of her power anymore - she knew who was in charge.  And she was a delightful child.

And then she became a teenager.... but that's another story.

(j/k... she did have a rough time with some depression and acting out in the 8th grade, but we dealt with that too and she has a 96.5% GPA and just got back from the National Young Leadership Conference in Washington DC, and she's thoughtful and has a passion for justice, so I think she is awesome!)

I dont agree with spanking with any form of object, spoon, belt, whatever!  My daughter is 17 months old, and she WILL get a swat on the butt occasionally... or a smack on the hand, only because I dont believe that you can fully explain to a 2 year old what they did wrong, and why they're being punished.  Nanny 911, and Supernanny don't work for 2 year olds.   Older children, YES YES YES!  I believe alot of what Supernanny says, get down to their level, look them in the eye, and explain to them what they did wrong, and make sure they understand it.  

I was NOT raised this way... but I wasnt spanked either.  I was "grounded", sent to room, or the corner, or some other boring area and not allowed to do fun things.   If it was really bad, I always knew I would be spanked.. I've never seen either of my parents raise their hand to me, my brother, or my sister, and I wont do that either.

I think every child and every case is different, and you cannot let your children walk all over you, or we WILL see you on a talk show, promoting "Teen Bootcamp", or whatever.  Anyway, I think you need to just get to know your children (when you have them) and go from there.   PLUS, child #1 is going to be different than child #2, and so on.  use the techinique that YOU want to use, without influence from anyone else.  Just raise your children to be respectful and well behaved.  :)  Good luck.