Purina Diet

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

 
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

This has made the rounds a few time and every time it is FREAKING HILARIOUS.  Thanks for the laugh this morning...

Yeah, I knew it was old, but so funny I had to post it again.

*is DED from laughter*

OMG Thank you SOOOOO much for that lol

Great story!

BBC Radio presenter Peter White has been blind from birth and uses a stick to navigate his way around London.  He has never owned a guide-dog and finds it annoying when others assume he must do.   Normally he lets it go, but he tells a story about a particular day when he was travelling on the Underground.

A fellow traveller shouts "Oi mate! Where's your guide dog?" just as he's getting off the train.  Irritated, Peter replied "Oh no! I must have left him on the train!".  The man takes him 100% at face value and calls a railway official who proceeds to sound the alert.  The train has by now closed its doors and disappeared off into the tunnel and, before long, a huge section of the network is closed down in the hunt for the 'missing' guide dog.  Feeling very guilty, Peter had to confess to it being a joke and was given a bit of a ticking off for wasting everyone's time.

Maybe blind people have as much time to think of a smart retort as retired ones? 

veevee - I love it!

Thanks I loved it!! It was awesome. I expected the thread to be some nutter who has read the ingredients on the bag and wanted to know if it was safe to eat and how many calories like the girl who asked how many calories in a kiss? She wanted to know if she should stop kissing her boyfriend after he had eaten because she was afraid the food that remained in his mouth would add to her calorie count. Search the forum,  it is pretty funny. They should make a best of CC section for funny or strange post. This would be up there.

This just made my day!  Thanks for the great story

Original Post by michaelinitaly:

They should make a best of CC section for funny or strange post. This would be up there.

Search for the thread "I slept with my best friend's girlfriend" - it's a collection of posts that are bound for drama. Some posts are made up, and some are based on real things that people have asked, including the infamous "How many calories are in lip gloss?"

Gi-Jane: first, I am not offended.  Not all blind people sit on their butts. Some work and some go to school and some are scientists etc.  Still, my hubby does come up with some zingers and had a great time at the university chucking peas at the backs of people's heads when he and his buddies were in the cafteteria at supper time.  He'll enjoy the joke about Peter White as he doesn't have a guide dog either- thinks it is quite cruel to make a dog sit all day long under a desk etc. while the person works. 

This is by far the best thing that I have heard today. LOL!  I love it! 

this was so funny I thought that I would fall off my computer chair. I needed that, thanks for the good laugh.  I had not heard it before and fell for it hook line and sinker so to speak.  Ironically the people I hang with would actually come up with some kind of story like this when asked a stupid question. we are always making people go hmmmm?  thanks for the laugh.

Ah, I really honestly believed you as well (: Thanks for the great laugh!

I read the first paragraph and laughed so hard, I thought that was all I needed to read. Then read the rest and have been laughing so hard tears are streaming down my face.

I laugh every time I read it.

Thanks for posting.

Hysterical!