Question for guys or women with difficult husbands..

therapy or a divorce... You don't sound the type to have an "open" marriage -- so find some place, some one you can talk to -- a pastor, rabbi (you don't have to be religious to speak to a cleric -- nor even a member of the/their church much of the time), free clinic, etc.  Then, seriously consider leaving this man.

It is possible for the marriage to be saved, but it will take efforts from both of you -- and (from what little info you have passed us), it doesn't seem like he's the type to put forth that effort.

I wish you luck and give you my sympathy

I am so sorry you are going threw this.  I think the problem lies with your husband.  Sounds like he has some sort of issue(s).  Personally I understand you love him and all but sleeping with someone who prefers sex with strangers would disgust me.  My suggestion would be therapy and move out. That will make him realize just how much this bothers you and maybe make him realize what he's missing and the therapy will help you deal with everything.

I know you said you can't afford it but there are a lot of places out there that you can get help for free or very little $$.  Start by calling the united way, they should be able to send you in a direction in your area.  Also local grad schools usually have 'student' counselors that see people (well at least my school did).  Supervised of course but it was training.  On the school subject if you graduated from a college or university they usually continue many student services to alumni.  Planned parent hood usually has counselors, many clinics, even hospitals have some sort of volunteer or low cost programs for the public.  Let your fingers do the walking and start with united way and you local social services offices.

Feel free to email me if you just want someone to talk to.

Good luck and don't let his problem destroy you.

Ps Sorry I was so blunt in the begging, its how I am.

Wow your husband sounds like a scumbag, I'm sorry! That's just so rude and so wrong! You need to get out now, it sounds like he's still immature and into ass-chasing. :( I'm really sorry. I can't imagine what that feels like.

You can attempt to save your marriage but he'd have to work on it too, and will you trust him not to cheat? It seems like that's all he wants to do. He sounds very immature.

I'm sorry if I was out of line, but guys like this really irritate me. I've known so many and they never change. =/ Not saying he won't change but... that's down for you to decide.

You need to look out for you and prepare for a seperation or divorce. I don't know why he married you if he didn't love you and you were "still new". WTF, it doesn't make sense to me.

I am so sorry to read your post, katesorad.  I have also been married for a little less than a year, and I could not imagine having to deal with a situation like this - I would be devastated.  I don't have much to add to the good advice offered above... but I do believe that any therapy would have to include the two of you, and from what you have described, it just doesn't sound to me like your husband would be open to work through things, considering his immature behavior. 

You do need support through this, though.  And I mean real life support, not just here on CC.  Surely you must have someone you can talk to in confidence?  A best girlfriend who can be by your side, listen, and give you a hug when you need it?  YOU have nothing to be ashamed of - it is your husband who should be ashamed. 

Please feel free to message me anytime if you need "virtual support".  I am really sorry you are going through this. 

Original Post by katesorad:

So my husband and I have been married for a little less than a year.  He suddenly doesn't want to sleep with me anymore.  He said that if I let him sleep with a prostitute, he would sleep with me again.

So I'm an idiot and I did.

Now it's even worse- he doesn't want to sleep with me at all.

I don't know what to do.  He says he's not attracted to me and the only reason we had such a great sex life for a while was because "it was new".  I don't know what to do anymore, I'm so sad.

I don't know why I'm posting this on there- I guess because I can't tell my friends about this problem.. I just can't, and I can't afford therapy. 

Help me?

There are a lot of threads right now about relationships. I copy pasted a portion of one of my prior post that applies here. Sometimes the best thing you can do is humble yourself and say you were wrong about someone/something. It's honestly a lot of bs drama that amuses some people.There is a deal breaker in every area of life. Sex is just like anything else in life,imo.I expect disagreements, but not arguments. If we truly have an argument, then we need to take a step back. A disagreement may be about something that doesn't require a consensus to move forward. Then I suggest that we agree to disagree, as in "religion and politics," and not try to convert the other person (my own family/friends usually can follow this philosophy).

If we must reach a consensus to move forward (and I'm a negotiator by nature -- no temper tantrums), I'm quite willing to negotiate a compromise. It may be by the flip of a coin, or even by my concession to their wishes, with the condition that we reach parity through later compromises. I think it's important for a people to feel that they're being treated fairly under all circumstances. I will do anything within reason to ensure happy relationships.  (In general and with my siblings/family/spouse. ) I wouldn't say that sex is the most important thing in life, but its a big ++. This is something that you have to reach consensus to move forward pronto.

Sometimes one person is willing to compromise but nothing comes of it. Why? Their partner is unwilling to budge with them. A person that is willing to change/compromise is more likely to see results,imo. Some people only want results  though. . . They aren't willing to change/compromise themselves for it. However: They will accept/take/suggest/demand the the effort on your part.  If you allow it it will continue until you're physical and emotional bankrupt.  It's a give and take in order to keep a relationship healthy/balanced.

At this point you have have to take the lack of effort on his part to heart. One person is never to blame for the failure of a relationship. However: Everyone involved has to be actively trying. You would both have to be putting forth the effort/change/compromise needed to bring resolve.  ( Each to the best of your ability given circumstances. ) The reaction by him to your compromise suggest he's unwilling to cultivate the change you desire. He spit in your face after the concessions to his wishes on your part.imo That is a red flag suggesting that he does not care about you. Or: Respect you. I can not like someone that thinks they're the only one that matters. Everyone deserves better from their partner,imo.

Ask yourself a serious question: " Do I deserve better than this?" ( btw: You do. I just wanted to let you know that. In case you've been conditioned to believe otherwise. . . You deserve better. Everyone honestly deserves better than that.

When you're unable to come to an agreement that's fair to both of you it serves as a good indication you aren't truly meant to be together, imho. Regardless of any amount of love.

I am so sorry you have to go through this.  I just wanted to mention that some clinics offer a sliding scale where you pay what you can afford.  There also might be county resources available for you.  Churches can also offer counseling.  Don't be afraid to check around.  If he is not willing to work on this with you, there is nothing you can do to change him.  The best thing you can do in that scenario is have respect for yourself and show him that you will not tolerate his behavior.

You don't want to sleep with the toad anyway...consider this.  He had sex with a prostitute.  You have sex with him now, and you're having sex with everyone that SHE had sex with...if you know nothing about her, you should try to find out.  

I used to manage a casino that was a part of a truck stop.  I watched a lot lizard step from one running board on a truck to the next without a stop in the restroom to clean up after the first...second...third...fouth... *blech!*  Some of them are extremely clean and careful...others?  Heh!  Not so much. 

If you've been married less than a year and he's already dogging after hookers/other women...then you most likely shouldn't have gotten married to begin with, because he does NOT love you.   Try this...turn cold to him.  Push him away with disinterest.  I'm betting that once he decides that you're not available to him he all of the sudden will be interested again.  That in itself should tell you that he's got some serious mental issues...and YOU are NOT going to solve them.

I agree with the poster that told you that you're worth more than that!  You most definately ARE!  Please believe that...and  believe that he's not worth the dirt on the bottoms of your shoes...get rid of him.  There is someone out there that will love you with respect and admiration...go find him, cuz HE is the one worth having in your life.

Hi, 

I don't know the details of your marriage or what has gone on before in your life or your husbands. It is hard to admit that perhaps you were wrong about someone or about some decision in your life.  I guess my advice to you is to spend some time alone and really think about your life and how YOU want it to turn out. Then see if you can resurrect and build from where you are right now with your husband. If you can then figure out what the course is and what decisions / agreements need to be made - don't deviate from your plan or deviate very little.  Know yourself and what you want then figure out where your husband fits in. You can be alone and be happy.  It does not matter what others think, frankly. It matters how you think about yourself. 

Good Luck...

how old are you?  you look about 20.  awfully young to be married.  maybe it's time to call it a mistake, walk away, and spend a few years growing up.

Original Post by enchantingimage:

Original Post by katesorad:

So my husband and I have been married for a little less than a year.  He suddenly doesn't want to sleep with me anymore.  He said that if I let him sleep with a prostitute, he would sleep with me again.

So I'm an idiot and I did.

Now it's even worse- he doesn't want to sleep with me at all.

I don't know what to do.  He says he's not attracted to me and the only reason we had such a great sex life for a while was because "it was new".  I don't know what to do anymore, I'm so sad.

I don't know why I'm posting this on there- I guess because I can't tell my friends about this problem.. I just can't, and I can't afford therapy. 

Help me?

There are a lot of threads right now about relationships. I copy pasted a portion of one of my prior post that applies here. Sometimes the best thing you can do is humble yourself and say you were wrong about someone/something. It's honestly a lot of bs drama that amuses some people.There is a deal breaker in every area of life. Sex is just like anything else in life,imo.I expect disagreements, but not arguments. If we truly have an argument, then we need to take a step back. A disagreement may be about something that doesn't require a consensus to move forward. Then I suggest that we agree to disagree, as in "religion and politics," and not try to convert the other person (my own family/friends usually can follow this philosophy). If we must reach a consensus to move forward (and I'm a negotiator by nature -- no temper tantrums), I'm quite willing to negotiate a compromise. It may be by the flip of a coin, or even by my concession to their wishes, with the condition that we reach parity through later compromises. I think it's important for a people to feel that they're being treated fairly under all circumstances. I will do anything within reason to ensure happy relationships.  (In general and with my siblings/family/spouse. ) I wouldn't say that sex is the most important thing in life, but its a big ++. This is something that you have to reach consensus to move forward pronto. Sometimes one person is willing to compromise but nothing comes of it. Why? Their partner is unwilling to budge with them. A person that is willing to change/compromise is more likely to see results,imo. Some people only want results  though. . . They aren't willing to change/compromise themselves for it. However: They will accept/take/suggest/demand the the effort on your part.  If you allow it it will continue until you're physical and emotional bankrupt.  It's a give and take in order to keep a relationship healthy/balanced. At this point you have have to take the lack of effort on his part to heart. One person is never to blame for the failure of a relationship. However: Everyone involved has to be actively trying. You would both have to be putting forth the effort/change/compromise needed to bring resolve.  ( Each to the best of your ability given circumstances. ) The reaction by him to your compromise suggest he's unwilling to cultivate the change you desire. He spit in your face after the concessions to his wishes on your part.imo That is a red flag suggesting that he does not care about you. Or: Respect you. I can not like someone that thinks they're the only one that matters. Everyone deserves better from their partner,imo.

Ask yourself a serious question: " Do I deserve better than this?" ( btw: You do. I just wanted to let you know that. In case you've been conditioned to believe otherwise. . . You deserve better. Everyone honestly deserves better than that.

When you're unable to come to an agreement that's fair to both of you it serves as a good indication you aren't truly meant to be together, imho. Regardless of any amount of love.

ei, i only quote this because it's such a perfect example of a completely unreadable post.  un-read-able.  if that's what you were going for, congratulations.  A+.

Divorce...

Find a better guy...

Original Post by pgeorgian:

ei, i only quote this because it's such a perfect example of a completely unreadable post.  un-read-able.  if that's what you were going for, congratulations.  A+. 

xD

katesorad, sorry, dear, but I think you should get out of this while you still can. The sheer horror of the fact that your husband was able to go through with this says a lot. Have you tried asking your husband how he would feel about you sleeping with a male prostitute? Would he be fully supportive and do a little cheer for you? I highly doubt it.

If his claimed problem with sleeping with you is that it's no longer "new", why did he want to sleep with hookers - that doesn't solve any problem, it just creates new ones.

Not to mention, what did he expect when he got married? He KNEW the deal, that the idea is it's just you and him from there on in.

If you decide to save the marriage you need to point out that you might not be a new person but you can certainly try new things together. And that he needs to make the biggest effort since he's the one with the problem.

But personally, I'm not sure I'd want to salvage a marriage with someone manipulative enough to suggest that his use of prostitutes would help him become more attracted to you.

This isn't a situation you can recover from, I'm afraid and I don't think 'therapy' will make an iota of difference to the outcome.   You may not want to talk to your friends but you may find it helps to talk to your mother.  Mothers (in my experience) have a great way of rising to the occasion, being fiercely protective and being a lot less shock-able than you think.   And then get a divorce....  walk away from this horrible marriage with your head high rather than subject yourself to the degradation of being with with this man a minute longer.

PS... you may find, if you look into it more closely, that he's actually gay... quite common.

SLEEPING WITH A PROSTITUTE????   You are not with a "difficult husband" - you are with an A@@ HOLE!  Really - I don't even know why you would question staying. 

Do NOT try marriage counseling - It is NOT you.   If you get counseling - get it for yourself and discover why you would want to be with such a JERK!

I have not read all of the replies.  But I think it is a blessing he will not sleep with you at all now.  He slept with a prostitute.  Disease is a strong possibility.  I would not even WANT to sleep with him again.  Not unless he was tested for every disease including AIDS.

I don't know what his problem is - but you are NOT to blame.  This is his issue and it is better you found out early.  I would not waste any more time with him. 

Original Post by merylwhite1:

But personally, I'm not sure I'd want to salvage a marriage with someone manipulative enough to suggest that his use of prostitutes would help him become more attracted to you.

This  ^

katesorad, it sounds like, at the very least, you should try a separation.  There are sources for free or inexpensive counseling, but truly, you need to decide on what you want, because what he wants is most definitely not going to make you happy.  Do you WANT to salvage what you have now?

And I will repeat that while a lot of marriages have their challenges, this is not your fault.  Whatever incompatibility or issues your relationship has, any person with the slightest amount of respect for you wouldn't issue an ultimatum involving a  prostitute.

I hope you find your way, and do what's best for your happiness.

((hugs))

blah blah blah

since he wont respect you, you must respect yourself.

get out. leave. dont worry about where the relationship is or isnt going at the moment. draw your line in the sand. respect this, mofo!

poor baby

((kate))

be strong girl! for yourself!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Dump him. He's a waste of skin.

katesorad, I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.  I agree with the above posters who said to leave him.  Your husband is a manipulative jerk....just look at how he got you to "let" him sleep with a prostitute!  He could have done it behind your back and not tell you, but it seems to me that he actually wanted to make you feel bad about yourself. 

You are not the problem in this relationship.  It is NOT, I repeat NOT, your fault in any way.  He sounds really immature!  You should NOT allow him to treat you this way.  Get out while you can....and don't let him guilt you into doing anything you don't want to do. 

While CC is great for online support, I agree with the other posters who said that you should find someone to talk to face-to-face about this problem.  I think it could be of real help to you.