Question: Do you think my husband's remark was insensitive?

My husband and I have been married for 30 years.  He was recently diagnosed with prostrate cancer and will be having surgery in 2007.  We decided to take a cruise before the procedure.  My husband told me he wanted me to get in shape, so we could have great sex because he is afraid he will never be able to perform after my surgery.  I was hurt by his request and said he was insensitive. 

How would you feel if your partner or spouse said that to you?

Is this an unreasonable request?

EDIT: Clarified Post Description

I, and I am a guy, would be hurt if my fiancee told me that i needed to get in shape for her.

From my experience, you need to lose weight for yourself, and only for yourself. If you try to lose weight for someone else, you start to feel, fairly, uncool with it.

Oh Darling...

First off, I'm sorry that your Hubby is ill.

Second off, I would think that he is scared with that comment.

Cancer is a horrible thing.  On his platter, he is concerned that "performing" won't happen.

Give him support. 

I think the exact phrasing would affect my emotions about it.

On one hand, my feelings would be hurt because I'd wonder how little he thought of the current sex.  On the other hand, cancer is a life-changing event.  When such traumatic events occur, people might become brutally honest.

If it were me about to somehow lose my ability to enjoy sex, then I might make certain requests of my husband.  I certainly understand why you're upset, but I understand where he's coming from as well.  Few people are ever presented with such a "ticking clock" scenario.  I can only imagine his panic to enjoy it while he has a chance.

I would be very hurt with the comment but you have to understand. Men don't think with feelings, they use only logic. So, he figures that he will perform better is he is more attracted to you.

Now...when he said it did he mean -you better get into shape... because he is going to have as much sex with you as possible and he doesn't want you to get worn out. or...because he wants to have sex with someone who is in shape? Because if it's the first one, I wouldn't take it as bad. Guys just don't always have that lability that lets them hear what they are about to say and how it's going to get interpreted. (neither do i though- so it kind of sucks)

you have to understand. Men don't think with feelings, they use only logic.

I'm sorry, I really, really had to jump in here.

1) You can't lump all men together. That's a stereotype even if it is in their favor. I know plenty of guys who totally think with their feelings, although they don't show it a lot because of the "masculine" image they feel they have to portray because of the society we live in.
2) Nobody should make excuses for somebody because "Oh, he's got a Y chromosome so he can't HELP sleeping around/being brutally honest/refusing to have real conversations."

Sorry to hijack the thread with that. On topic, I think you should talk to him honestly about how that comment made you feel, and try and compromise. I also bet that since cancer is such a life-changing thing, he's really in need of someone to talk to and you need to be there for him. And finally (not my topic of expertise at all but I've got friends), maybe you could... research... different methods together to make it better?

*applauds lancita* 

Honestly, I would do as he asked. I would not take it as an insult, but rather a compliment that it is me he wants , still after 30 years. I would bust my butt to fulfill every fantasy he ever had, and get my butt in shape for the adventure.

Heck, I think I'm going to do that anyway...:)

In answer to the revised question...(thank you mr. moderator)......I think he is being honest and he is terrified. Take it that way and see my 2 previous posts...:)

Will it hurt to get in better shape?

after he has surgery he will likely be unable to perform... i think he just wants to have the best possible memories.  dont take as a hurtful thing but a man scared of the impotence that having his prostate removed will likely bring. see if maybe he will work out right along with you... better sex for all that way ;)  and sex is a work out in itself..... if done properly.


**good luck to you both**

Thanks for all your excellent responses.

I will be sharing and talking about them with hubby.

umm honestly... I would be mortified if my husband/wife told me that.  even if you are given bad news, like that you have cancer, it does NOT give you the right to be an a-hole. What? suddenly the sex you've been giving him for the last 30 yrs isn't good enuff?
I think it is completely unreasonable!!!

I've had my share of rough times... but I would be so mad at myself if I said something like this.. no matter what the occasion.

ekfabry you really have two questions don't you;

A was it insensitive? Yes it was if he decided that was the way to talk about your weight and not just an off the cuff remark even more so. But...

B Is this an unreasonable request? Is it unreasonable for a spouse to request their SO to shape up? I have to agree with HK that a person changes when they are ready but a push from a family member or friend of SO can tip that scale.

So I guess out the far side of this ek, is it time for you to change your life?

whenever a SO, or family member mentioned anything about me "shaping up" it made me feel miserable and worthless, and even if I was dieting at the time, i would go straight for the ice cream.

My hubby is a cancer survivor, so I had to really think on this before I responded.

Extreme stress gives us the chance to test who we really are, something that applies to both you and your husband. Unfortunately, extreme stress also gives us the opportunity to have our brains shaken around. Things that wouldn't normally register become amplified. Things that are normally significant become minor.

Your husband is probably thinking about his mortality, which I would interpret as him saying out loud that he is afraid he'll die before he ever sees your success with your current efforts. In an odd way, I can see it as a supportive statement because he recognizes your hard work and wants to see you succeed.

How I would feel about it is completely different, especially when I have my own work to do on the whole issue. I'd be mad, sad, broken up and crushed, all at once. Personally, I'd find it a slap at a time when there's enough on my plate.

Last year, I found a lump in my breast. By the time I reached the doctor's appointment, I had mentally begun to process all the things I would miss. I saw decades of missed graduations, my first grandchild I would never hold, the spring flowers I might never see. Three weeks later, I left the imaging department at the hospital with the "all clear." I promised myself I would never take another hug from my daughter for granted again.

For the first time, I understood what happens when you are faced with your mortality. There's an internal process that makes you feel like you are going crazy combined with an external process to look like everything is just jim diddly dandy fine. It made me want to see daffodils in my garden as many times as possible. It made me irrationally want to see my daughter grow up just so I could see her as an adult once.

In the end, I didn't have to process my mortality for one second longer than it took for me to get the results from the ultrasound tech. I can only imagine what would happen if I learned that I had a cancer that had secretly invaded my body. The survival rates from most cancers have improved dramatically. The fact that the doctors plan for a surgery says that your husband's survival rate is very good. But I think it's safe to say that anyone with cancer dances a fine line between fear of a future they may never see and a reasonable outlook on the world as it really is.

Perspective and the way it was done would be the most suitable way to analyse the remark-he probably is nervous about losing the ability and needs to attack someone-the wife is usually the brunt of most things-I get in trouble with my wife about this too, trying to watch it.

Manhood is very important, even if we don't mention it much, I know because I am about to get snipped and a similiar side effect is possible-it sucks, I try not to think about it-maybe this is just transference---I would have told him-"if you get in shape too, I don't want to have you go half stack and fade before I finish"