Question to parents about favouritism

This question is for parents with more than one child:

I'm only 18 years old and don't have children so this may seem like a stupid question (sorry, lol). But basically, what I want to ask is: Is it possible to favour one child/certain children over other children? Or do parents honestly love all their children equally?

The reason I'm asking is because I've often felt that my mother has favoured my little brother. It truly and deeply hurts me - even to this day. But, I don't know if I'm just imagining things or if she actually does favour him.

Once again, I apologize if this is a stupid question.

I appreciate your honesty.

As you grow up your realize that your parents are just normal people. Just like people on the street.

So of course they could conceivably have favorites. And it isn't whether or not they are physically capable of this, after all, they have favorite foods and TV shows right? So they can have favorite things. It is more a question of if they are morally capable. Some people might never even think of their children in terms of favorites. But some might.  And some kids might be such hellraisers that any parent would have a favorite ;)

But everyone is different, that goes for parents too.

So to answer your question, she might favor him. But she might not. A better question is "does it matter". You are just about at the age where you probably cannot learn anything else from your parents, and will be moving out into the world to become an independent person. At that stage, all that matters is that you are your own favorite. :-)

I also have a younger brother and felt my mom favoured him. I think the younger kids tend to get babied. When I would bring up differences in how I was treated at his age she'd say "well you make mistakes with the first kid"...but I also think it's because he's a boy, parents seem to treat girls different. She also says because he was sick a lot when he was little so she babies him more.

I'm 23 now and don't think anymore that she likes him better.

I have 2 grown ( well legally adults at least) children and have to confess that there are things I favor in each child over the other.  I favor my oldest's for her responsible behavior never gave me any trouble we always got along and she is just so loveable and easy going and sweet and hard not to love.  My youngest is a strong willed independent spirit that was born that way.  when she learned to crawl she was gone in a shot -- she never had to have mom within eyes view - but I love her for that.  Since my girls have different personalities I'm going to love them in different ways but not necessarily one over the other just differently - if that makes any sense. 

Is your younger brother the only son??  That I thing plays a huge part as well in how your parents treat him - I know my own parents favored my oldest brother more than me or my other brother. 

I guess we see the sibling rivalry as fighting for our parents love and attention but parents do love their children - I think they would miss both of you very much should something happen, but the way they show their love is going to be different for all kids in a family.

 

My older sister thought my mother favoured me - I thought my mother favoured my older sister. The fact is, she loves both of us for different reasons, just like dbacker says, she just talks (to each of us) about the other's accomplishments in a way that makes it seem like we are being unfavourably compared. That's just our mutti though.

However, my father absolutely favoured my sister over me, until my brother was born, and then he had no time at all for either of us. Honestly, I think I got off luckier than my sister because he never really liked me, so when he had a son it was just more of the same. My sister was devastated though, and I still feel horrible for her, because she lost something when my brother was born.

How much younger is your brother? If he is much younger then it would be my guess that - while it is possible that he is favoured - it's more likely that she thinks of you as a proper person now, and therefore doesn't need babying as much.

I am a mother of two children. I have one of each. I'll admit as a Mom, I favor both of them in their own ways.

My son is my little man and my baby. I do cut him more slack than his older sister. My daughter is my creative little lady and I let her get away with things I wouldn't let him get away with. OK, maybe I don't favor one over the other, but I am a bit closer to my son. He likes to cuddle and play, while my daughter likes to hang out in her room and play by herself.

I have 3 children & it is very hard not to show 'favoritism" if you really want to call it that. 

When I was growing up I lived with my Mother & 1 older brother & went to my Dad's every other weekend, where I had a step mom & 3 younger sisters.  At my Mom's I felt like I was favored because my brother was always on the go with his friends and sports so I was left home with my mom.  But, in reality, we were treated the same.  When I got older I got to go hang with my friends and be away from the house more.  At my Dad's it was different because I was only there 2 weekends a month.  It was in another town & I didn't know any friends there, so I was always around the little kids.  I also think rules were a lot stricter for me there than they ever were for all of my sisters.  I felt like an outsider a lot of the times, but overall I new I was loved there.  I still feel like an outsider sometimes & wish I was much closer to my sisters.  But, we get along great!

Basically, I do believe that parents can love all their children the same.  There may just be different things going on in ones life that makes it look like they are being favored.  But, in reality, Mothers do have enough love to go around for all their children...equally.

haha I think parents definitely show favoritism. My aunts and uncles favor one of their kids more, my friends parents do and my parents do. My parents have treated my sister like the queen since day 1. Any mistake I make is amplified by the fact that I'm older so I should no better (i.e. credit card debt during college). Despite the fact that I fix all of my mistakes and learn from them, have a college degree and am headed for my master's degree in a few months, my younger sister (who works part time at a pet store, dropped out of university after 1 month and is a lazy bum) is still treated better. *shrug*

I always thought my mother favored my brother and my brother thought mom favored me. We did get treated differently. I was responsible. I was independent. I didn't have to be told numerous times to do things. He also was diagnosed with mental/behavioural problems when he was 13 which added to it. I believe she loved both of us the same, but she treated us differently.

I only have 1 child so I can't speak from that perspective, but I watch other people with more children and I can see some clearly show favoritism. Some don't even try to hide it. My son's best friend is about 6 years younger than his sister. His sister was perfect. Poor Rhett could never compete with her. What's really sad is their parents display at least 3 times the number of pictures of the girl than of Rhett in their home. I know they love Rhett, but he is somewhat cast off, it's sad to see, as Rhett is wonderful loving kid.

I have a friend who has 2 girls. She and the oldest daughter are very close. The younger girl and her mother never realy got along. They constantly get on each other's nerves. My friend has spoken to me about it before. She has been very torn up by the situation. She loves both of her daughters equally, but she doesn't like her second daughter as much. She works very hard to treat them equally. When the youngest got to be about 12 the 2 of them went for some family counseling sessions. It helped them both get along better.

I watch my SO. He has a girl 10 & a boy 7. He loves both of his children equally. The daughter is easy to love, but hard to deal with. The boy is easy to love and easy to deal with. I'm sure the daughter feels both of us (and her mother as well) favors her brother). I can see it in her eyes. With her it isn't favoring, it's in having to deal with behavior, attitudes and habits. She requires constant supervision and monitoring. You can tell her brother not to do something once or twice and he doesn't do it anymore. She just locks into whatever behavior she wants and doesn't seem to care about the consequences until they get very unpleasant. Then she just sulks and pouts and beligerantly does what you need her to do.

I don't have kids, but I believe parents can most definitely favor one child over another, and that it can change over time.  I'm usually my dad's favorite, and my little brother is usually my mom's favorite.

That's not what I wanted to address, though.  Luminair posted, "You are just about at the age where you probably cannot learn anything else from your parents..."

I'm 30, and I don't live with my parents, but I still learn loads from them.  I disagree with them vehemently on many things, but I still learn from them.  I don't care how old you are - you can always learn from your parents... even if it's learning that you disagree with their opinions, or learning how to cook a pot roast correctly.  And no matter how old you get ... they've been around longer.  :-)

I definitely think that parent's show favoritism.  But, I don't think that means that they love one child more than the other.  I just honestly think that often times parents don't realize that they are doing it.  If it honestly bothers you, talk to your parent(s) about it. 

As a mum of 3 I honestly love all my kids the same but there are traits in each child that I favour as individuals.  a child can be favoured over another but usually that happens when the other ones gets overlooked by the parents.  I think every parent should find one quality in their chilren that they can relate to.  My oldest loves mind puzzles which I do as well, my middle loves to draw pictures and write and I enjoy listening to her stories and my youngest loves the climbers at the playground and so do I.  Each child then finds something in common with their parents that they can do or talk about. 

When I was younger, I really thought my father loved my little sister more than he loved me. He definitley liked her better, because she's the youngest and was always his princess. I gave my parents more trouble than she did though, so I understand why he liked her more. Now, they don't favor either of us.

My SO, on the other hand, still gets treated differently than his older sister. At 27, his sister still throws temper tantrums if she doesn't get her way, so he has a tendency to get stepped on. The worst part is that his parents paid for 4 years of Boston University for her, and when he spent $20,000 on trade school to be an electrician, they didn't help him. So he's doing it on his own. Is it fair? Not really. Does he live with it? Yep.

It depends on the family. Some parents will be overt with their favoritism, some will just appreciate their children differently. Most of the time, things even out as the kids get older and more independent, but not always. Some parents will always have a favorite. You can help how other people feel.

My parents favor my older brother.  I don't really see it as a "they love him more" type of thing.  Its more because he NEEDS them and I'm self sufficient.  Funny b/c he's less than 2 years older than me has been married twice and has 3 kids.  I'm single with no kids.  You'd think he'd be the more together one, but he isn't.  He just needs the additional attention.  Its always been that way.  It took me a long time to realize that its more of a compliment to me than an insult.

I do have a tendency to favor one of my nieces more than the other 2 (she's just like me).  I especially favor the 2 from his first marriage.  I think they need the attention more than the other b/c they have a younger sister from my brother and a younger sister and brother from their mom. 

It really depends on the child's personality as to whether or not they're favored/coddled more than another child.

I was the sweet creative kid who was pretty independent and didn't need constant supervision. My little sister was the loud out spoken kid who needed constant attention and supervision, but she was always the most loving person out there. I didn't get as much attention as my sister, and had to take on more responsibility than she did. I thought it was horrible and unfair and that my Mom let my sister get away with EVERYTHING!

Funny thing, now, I'm the one that's responsible still, but I get favored over my sister, because I'm never around. I hated it when I was a kid that she got favored, but now she hates it that I'm favored.

I think roles switch as you grow, and parents change too. Parents can favor kids, and I think it does happen, with all parents to one extent or another. I was lucky enough to have two parents who loved my sister and I equally. I simply had more in common with my Dad (thus Daddy's girl), and my sister clung to my Mom, giving my Mom the much needed love and feeling of self worth.

So, like I said, it depends on the kid's personality and needs as to whether or not they will be 'liked' more, or have more attention spent on them.

 I agree" It depends on the child's personality as to whether or not they're favored/coddled more than another child."  And that " It levels itself out as children grow up"

 

My mother has six children and always coddles certain ones more so than others. To her offense though they honestly need it. I'm not as clingy or dependent. I never require the same about or kind of attention ect. My relationship with my mother has always been different than theirs. I talk to my mother daily and see her any chance I get. However, they wait for my mother to come see/greet them.  They always need my mother to bring them something. Or buy them a gift. Or show their children ' special attention. ' With gifts ect. Or ' special visits.' Even as adults they ' need ' her to make/ take the incentive to coo love at them. If it isn't done they act ' put out.' I was given a rant from one of my siblings about how our mother liked me best...  That I used to be disliked.... and now I'm what the favorite because she visits/sees/talks to me more. I explained. She visits me more because I invite her. I plan ahead so I can come visit her and it's still convenient to her. I also didn't move so far away from her it's impossible to interact. Plus. I take my daughter to see her grandmother. Even if we can't visit my two year old calls her Grandmother on the phone. ( She speaks gibberish but loves it. ) I'm constantly sending her new photos ect. I honestly believe that once you become an adult it's equally in your hands. Someone can either make or break a relationship with their parents.

I only have one daughter. (In all honesty though I can't imagine treating multiple kids the same.I think it makes more sense to embrace their differences. In doing so you have to treat them as individuals.  Being treated  differently can be taken as a negative or positive thing... The ' hurt ' felt depends on your personality. I've never felt envious of their relationship with my parents. We're family. Lol

I suggest you take the incentive to build a healthy bridge from your side to your mother. Or you'll just regret/blame other people and other things or even yourself later.

I've seen it from both sides. I have an older sis and younger brother. She always got in more trouble than me and my brother was always babied.

Now with 3 of my own. My son is 7 and my girls are 5 1/2 and 4. I do catch myself babying my 4 year old. Not intentionally and I stop as soon as I realise. I snuggle all my kids as much as I can. My son makes me kiss him goodbye in the car at school. then I can walk in with him but no kisses or hugs in  front of his freinds. lol.

I love all my kids . I couldn't imagine not having them.

My mother has five children.  Each of us naturally developed a favorite sibling as we were growing up.   For me, my older brother and baby sister were my favorite siblings because they have the types of personality that people are drawn to and they have great senses of humor.  As I grew up, my younger sister became my favorite because we now have more in common.  Unfortunately, my younger brother and I have never really been close, although we have developed a better relationship over the past few years.

I mention this to explain that people are drawn to others for a variety of reasons.  Parents are no different.  They may love their children equally, but it's very possible that they like their children differently.  Just like with every other person, those preferences will probably change over time and will go back and forth.  Maybe your mother likes your brother more now.  Maybe as you grow up, your mother will like you more.  My siblings and I have made this into a game.  We play "who's mom's favorite" every year.  My mother jokingly goes along with it (she chose a different child each year, although she's chosen my niece every year since she was born, I can't blame her though since my niece is an adorable little girl).

If you're really upset by what you feel is different treatment by your mother, try talking to her.  She might not notice that she's doing it.  She also might not realize that it upsets you. 

I'm the favourite.  I've been told, I've been shown, I've had fights with my sister over the subject, too.  She's jealous but she's a horrible person.  My personality clicks with my mom's a lot better than hers does.  We can walk into a Michaels, creep down an aisle, and rip the biggest, nastiest farts together and walk out laughing.  If my mom tried to do that with my sister, she'd look horrified and would run away.

My mom also makes it clear that my oldest nephew from my sister is her favourite.  But that's a little easier to understand as my mom did have custody of him for more than a year.

When we were younger my mom treated us as equals, and she treats my two nephews as equals.  We get to do special things with Mommy involving the activities we like.  I got to go to the craft stores and go out to eat with her and my sister got to go out shopping with her.

Now that we're older, we still do things we enjoy with Momma.  I get to go to the stores with her, we go out for ice cream every week, we'll attempt to eat an entire large pizza to ourselves or buy a box of ice cream bars and try to eat them before we get home, and my sister gets diddly 'cause she's an ungrateful whore.  Mom and my sister go play Bingo every other week.  And my sister has to pay for her own cards.  Do I pay for my own ice cream?  No.  Because I know how to say, "Thank you!"

As far as my siblings are concerned, I don't think my mother had/has a favorite.  My father probably does, but he would never admit he likes me most.  Ha ha.

I currently do not love my second as fiercely as I do my first.  I hope that's just because she doesn't talk yet.  I hope one day I won't look at her and think "second best".  If that never goes away, I hope to at least be able to hide it well.