Quick poll about Ex's

So I'm out of a bad relationship now. I have this "thing" about my girlfriend hanging out with her EX or talking with them. I'm a 27/m I've been in a few long term relationships. My mature, cool self says "who cares". My guy, jump to conclusion, pride hurting side says dump her. My guy side almost always wins out. I wont get serious with a woman that still hangs with her ex. Am I crazy or what do other women and men feel about this issue?

I should add - I refuse to tell my girlfriend what to do. I am not friends with any of my ex's out of respect for new girlfriends. Maybe I'm old fashioned? I think guys that "tell" or try to tell their girlfriends what to do are childish and insecure. I just flat out refuse to date the girl anymore, I've been hurt in the past though. It's hard for me to accept that people can remain friends after the L-bomb has been dropped romantically. That word means quite a bit to me, personally.

Not necessarily crazy, but jealousy and [apparent] insecurity don't get guys too far with me... just sayin'.

This is a hard one.   I myself would not like my bf to hang out with his ex's, first off it's disrespectful unless you are totally ok with it, but why put yourself in a position to respark old feelings.  I think you should talk to her about how you feel if it keeps bothering you and if she doesn't understand then she doesn't respect your feelings.  If it's something you can't get past get out of the relationship.  Good Luck

They're an ex for a reason.  If they really still wanted to be with the ex then they would be and you would be ditched.

If they're canceling plans that you've made together to be with the ex or getting romantic then that's wrong, otherwise they're just friends and if you can't trust your SO, then perhaps you're not with the right person.

I think it depends on a lot of factors really, not least how trusting you are of your girlfriend. 

I am still in contact with an ex.  The very things that made me date him are the same things that make him an awesome friend now.  We ended things very amicably and there really isn't anything left to the "relationship" aspect.  We're just good friends. 

That said, there are also reasons why we aren't together now, and those reasons haven't changed- and if I were to betray my husband, it certainly wouldn't be with him (kind of a "been there, done that" sort of mentality).

My husband doesn't like my ex... but he knows he doesn't really have the right to tell me who to be friends with, and I have never given him any reason to doubt my intentions.

Original Post by brtaylor:

My husband doesn't like my ex... but he knows he doesn't really have the right to tell me who to be friends with, and I have never given him any reason to doubt my intentions.

 

 this.

I'm friends with some of my exes, not like I see them all the time, but we do hang out on occasion, or are friendly at parties, etc. I had one boyfriend who was overpossessive (and also emotionally abusive) who had a HUGE problem with this, and was also accusing me of wanting to get back with the others, thinking about them when I wasn't, etc. Needless to say he is now an ex himself, and one of the few I want absolutely NOTHING to do with.

Look at it this way--they're EXES, but YOU'RE the one she's with in the present. And possessiveness is not attractive on anybody.

I guess it depends what "hanging out" means.  My current bf and I aren't the jealous type so it doesn't bother either of us when we run into ex's or one or the other talks to an ex (when there are children involved you can't avoid that).  We even end up socializing (together or separate) with ex's.  I agree with the other poster that it can be jealousy/insecurity about your relationship/yourself. 

Now if he started going out on a regular basis alone with one of his ex's alone, started being secretive, late night phone calls that he's not willing to have in front of me I'd be having a conversation with him as those would be red flags that something more might be brewing.

I'd also suggest talking with your gf and telling her how it makes you feel.  She'll either respect your feelings and keep things transparent so you don't feel jealous or she'll move on or you will.

I get the whole jealousy and insecure thing. Which is why I wont date the girl anymore. I wont tell her what to do but I view it as an act of disrespect. I would expect the same from her if I hung out with an ex or was texting them all the time. Half of me says overreaction, the other half is happy that I don't have to deal/think about the nonsense anymore.

Original Post by kkempinski:

I should add - I refuse to tell my girlfriend what to do. I am not friends with any of my ex's out of respect for new girlfriends. Maybe I'm old fashioned? I think guys that "tell" or try to tell their girlfriends what to do are childish and insecure. I just flat out refuse to date the girl anymore, I've been hurt in the past though. It's hard for me to accept that people can remain friends after the L-bomb has been dropped romantically. That word means quite a bit to me, personally.

I'm with ya brotha.  I never hung out with ex's either because I just figured it would be uncomfortable for my significant other.  The "L" thing and the fact that (more than likely) you were intimate with her too.  I know that I would be a bit uncomfortable...so why make her feel the same way.

Hmmm, maybe I just didn't want my significant other hanging out my ex because she might spill some dirty little secrets too :):)

I think you should stop dating her but should continue being her friend.

I'm with Kristine on this one.....I always try to turn things around in a relationship and say to myself, "How would I feel if he were doing the same?" If I can honestly say I'm ok with it, then fine, otherwise I need to make a change. As far as hanging with the ex, I would say not a good idea. It's just best in general to take yourself out of temptations way. In my experience when ex's hang out there could be(not has to be) some sort of lingering feelings on one side or the other, so why complicate your current relationship? Of course if the relationship with the ex is more important, that's another issue........I don't think it's a matter of insecurity, just not necessarily healthy. Now having said all that, I do know people that have friendships with ex's and it works fine, but their current s/o doesn't mind or they are single.

Good luck!

I guess I disagree with you on the idea that maintaining contact with an ex is an act of disrespect.  I don't think it's disrespectful because I don't think a current partner should feel threatened by an ex.  The ex should just be another friend of mine.  So if the contact doesn't bother my partner, and I don't think it ought to, I'm not acting in a way that disregards their feelings, and that wouldn't be an act of disrespect.

If I knew that a partner was threatened in some way by an ex of mine, and I continued to be friends with the ex, then I do agree that such an act would be disrespectful.

i think it all depends on the situation really. i am NOT the jealous type, but if my boyfriend were texting his ex constantly, or hanging out with her frequently, it would probably irk me.  

if they were friendly to each other when we ran into her out, or chatted on facebook occasionaly or something, then it wouldn't bother me. and of course if this were an ex from a LONG time ago, who i knew had no interest in getting back with my boyfriend and vice versa, then i guess it wouldn't bother me all that much either.  

i'm not really friends with any of my exes, because i usually was the one who ended it, and i felt like continuing a friendship might give them the wrong idea. i've noticed that once i get in a new relationship, they lose interest in being "friends" anyway. i am still good friends with some guys i had casual flings with, but not with any guys i had real relationships with.    

I can be pretty jealous....BUT.....

what if it wasn't an ex....just a guy friend? You wouldn't expect her to just dump her friends cuz they are men. A few of my ex's had become some of my best friends...we could go out and party and get drunk (while single) and nothing ever happened after breaking up. They remained my friend after being a boyfriend, and weren't even considered an ex in my book.

w that said though, I think it does depend on the relationship she has with them. Is she open and honest about it all with you, or do you find out info by chance? has the ex ever hung out w you too (like both at a party or something)?

I can be pretty jealous sometimes so I can understand why it's disconcerting, but trust is first and foremost. If you are irked by it, but fully trust that she would never do anything, then cool. But if you have that bad gut feeling...well, even if there IS nothing to be jealous of, then maybe you should be w someone that you wouldn't get that feeling with.

that's a hard one. I wouldn't expect my current to not let me hang w a friend just cuz he's an ex....but I don't know how comfortable I'd be with it were it vise versa. I guess if he's that good of a friend still, and always has been since you've been dating, you might need to let it go. If they've recently been buddy buddy, then I'd probably worry.

Thanks for all your replies. I am trying to do evaluate myself and I appreciate all of your points of view.

It depends on the circumstances and the people involved,imho.

Original Post by enchantingimage:

It depends on the circumstances and the people involved,imho.

 

 this. there are so many ifs and buts possible.

^ agree - also with age.  I don't feel the same today (in my 40's) that I felt in my 20's.  I'm much more comfortable and confident with who I am.  But then I've been married, had kids and been divorced (quite happily), dated and been in a couple longer term relationships so I feel differently about relationships now and what it takes to work for me.  I don't have time or energy for drama and don't find it healthy for any relationship.

Original Post by kkempinski:

Thanks for all your replies. I am trying to do evaluate myself and I appreciate all of your points of view.

 You are who you are dude.  Some people are jealous people...some aren't.  I think that when you find the right young lady, everything will fall into place.  Trust is earned.  The ladies are right, you can't tell her who to talk to and who not to talk to...or you'll end up talking to yourself.

I know how you feel.  I read your bio and I was once in the same boat.  I was so much more insecure when I had the extra weight on.  Get yourself in shape and be her (whoever she is) "stud" again.  You will get that confidence back and you'll find that you won't worry so much anymore either.  Good luck!

Some people push themselves within their comfort zone to grow. It can make people stronger when they tackle weaknesses/insecurities together and/or separately. You could call your strengths your comfort zone. 

Remember: Going out of your comfort zone does not guarantee success by itself.

To each their own! Cuhz: It depends,imo. You shouldn't feel badly because of your preferences though. There is honestly a lot to take under consideration.

I have a “never say never” mentality when it comes to preferences. :)