These quotes are cracking me up

My friend Sammi mentioned Mitch Hedberg in Team Awesome Chat a minute ago, and I went to his wiki quote site.  Now I can't stop reading them and giggling to myself.  While this site is doing wonders for my morale, my productivity has gone down the proverbial tubes.  Oh well!  :D

An awesome long one:

"I think they could take Sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, "Damn, remember Sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!" They're gonna have to change that McDonald's song: "Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a... bun." How's a Sesame seed stick to a bun? That's ****' magical! There's got to be some Sesame seed glue out there! Either that, or they're adhesive on one side. "Take the Sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular." What does a Sesame seed grow into? I don't know; we never gave them a chance! What the **** is a Sesame? It's a street! It's a way...to open ****!"

Edit - so if you aren't familiar with Mitch Hedberg, seriously, watch some YouTube.   His delivery is half of why he's funny.  Part of the reason I find these quotes so awesome is that I can hear him saying the jokes in my head!

I love Mitch Hedberg.

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there."

"I would not want to be a manufactured home repo man.  Those would be hard to sneak off.  *knock knock knock*  'Could you go cut your grass and look that way for about half-an-hour? Thank you.'"

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I've never heard of Mitch Hedberg.

Loved this: "My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first."

trhawley - youtube him - his delivery doubles the hilarity.

My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should've just said, 'Yeah.'"

Hilarious!!!

Oh and Sparky....there is now bacon scented soap. 

I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

Original Post by kallie67:

Hilarious!!!

Oh and Sparky....there is now bacon scented soap. 

 I musta done something right in a past life.

See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says, “Sir, you forgot this!” “No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.”

Ha!

My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and a bunch of koala bears scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.

"This shirt is dry-clean only... that means it's dirty"

"I used to do drugs... I still do, but I used to too"

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

If you find yourself lost in the woods, **** it, build a house.

 

This might be my new life motto. :D

Sometimes, I sit on my hotel bed and think of a funny joke and want to write it down.  If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that the joke I thought of was not that funny.

I like the end of that lost-in-the-woods one, too.  "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!" I love the way he puts words together.

A duck loves the bread but lacks the ability to buy a loaf.  That is the biggest joke on the duck ever.

Original Post by dnrothx:

A duck loves the bread but lacks the ability to buy a loaf.  That is the biggest joke on the duck ever.

 This is my favorite prolonged Mitch Hedberg joke.  He goes on to explain that at Subway, ducks eat free, and that if he owned a convenience store, he'd give loaves of Pepperidge Farm bread to ducks.

"If a duck walked into a convenience store and picked up a loaf of bread, I would let him go!  I would tell to come back tomorrow, and bring his friends.  You can have the Pepperidge Farm bread."  etc., etc.

I'm not really a fan of stand up comedy, but I think I may be in love with him! So sad that he died so young!