Rant at the naturally skinny, from the fatty perspective.

I'm not trying to mean. I know not every skinny person falls into this category. Not even most. But allow me, as a fat person, to vent my frustration at the inappropriate things slim people say. I'm a college student (for 35 more days!) so I talk to new people all the time (and I've been collecting these statements for a few years now), and I'm a little amazed at what's appropriate, or what I get singled out for over slimmer people at the same table. Here is my sarcasm-laden rant,:

Just because I am fat does not mean I want to have a conversation about how much you hate your sz 4 body. It does not mean I empathize with your intense emotional and mental struggle to take off the last 5 lbs to look good in your bikini. I can barely resist rolling my eyes when you tell me you 'understand' because you used to weigh 140, and (on your body) it made you look huge. I am so happy to hear that you were 'fat' when you weighed 100 lbs less than I do. I don't want to go with you to a great new store that doesn't carry my size. I do not automatically want to go out to get ice cream, cake, or candy, though I appreciate you thinking of me before the slimmer girls. I do not need your input or advice on what I'm eating for lunch. I do not want to hear about the crazy cabbage-soup-style diet your friend of a friend's mother in law lost 20 lbs on. I am completely uninterested in how horrible you think it would be to even be alive without eating sugar. I do not appreciate your gentle suggestion that maybe I should take up walking, because, honey, you couldn't keep up with my workout. Do not use the word willpower to me while you are eating chicken tenders and french fries. Being rude about my size is not justified by following it up with, 'I'm just concerned about your health.' I've got it, thanks. 'I'm sure it will fit, it's stretchy' is also not typically flattering to hear. I do not care in the slightest that you won't go to the gym with me because people might think you're fat. I am not impressed with your incredulous looks when I tell you I'm healthy. I do not want to talk about dieting. No nice statement ends with 'that bad' ('you don't look that bad'). I do not hate myself, my life, or my body, and the assumption that I should because I'm overweight just makes me fantasize about punching you in the face. I don't appreciate your disbelief at my 'eat healthy and exercise' plan. Vying for flattery from me by asking me if you look fat really just makes me wonder if you're trying to call me stupid. Mentioning my personality in a conversation about looks is not as artfully tactful as you seem to believe. My deepest, sincerest, apologies that it is so difficult for you to accept and believe that I am healthy and happy when I still have a good year before my body properly displays that. However, in the mean time, please shut up.

Original Post by sadinplaid:

Punch 'em in the face!! lol.

I agree with you. And with MadamQ. Before I got married I never had problems with weight, but I would still talk to overweight friends about wanting to lose weight. Now that I'm on the other side of that I totally realize what a jerk I must have seemed like. Every time one of my super-skinny friends whines to me about how they're "so fat", I just want to say, "Wow, you must find me really disgusting." Because I only way about 80 pounds more than a lot of them. Believe me Minda, a lot of us get it. (Maybe blue-eyes is one of these foot-in-mouth people and would rather not just admit the error of her ways.)

Seeing as we're all making generalisations here... a lot of overweight people I know endlessly talk about their weight/current diet. I don't see why slimmer people trying to lose a bit more weight should somehow be banned from talking about it - wouldn't it be even more discriminatory to only talk to other slim people about their weight?? If someone is talking about their own weight, it's not a reflection of how they feel about your weight. Most people don't care about other people's weight. That's a reason to shut up about dieting in itself, whereas being skinnier than the friend you're talking to isn't. If they found you or your weight disgusting, either they wouldn't be with you or they wouldn't be mentioning weight. Have a little faith.

The slim/fat thing works both ways: it's just as easy to make generalisations about an overweight person as it is a skinny one. I agree with the OP that health is about way more than just weight. I also agree that conversations about dieting, willpower, body-hate and back-handed compliments are all off-putting. But there's no size limit on who says what. Anybody of any size has equal potential to be nasty or nice.

I used to be fat. About 40-70 lbs more than all the other girls. I hated it. Especially when they said "Oh gawd Im so fat! This morning I weighed in at 82 lbs!" AND, what's really interesting, was that when I said "ORLY, if YOU think YOURE fat, then what am I?" They answered after a while "Youre OK, you're not fat, don't worry about it"

RIGHT. That makes sense.

All they wanted was just attention. So annoying.

Original Post by ieevee:

I used to be fat. About 40-70 lbs more than all the other girls. I hated it. Especially when they said "Oh gawd Im so fat! This morning I weighed in at 82 lbs!" AND, what's really interesting, was that when I said "ORLY, if YOU think YOURE fat, then what am I?" They answered after a while "Youre OK, you're not fat, don't worry about it"

RIGHT. That makes sense.

All they wanted was just attention. So annoying.

 BWHAHAHAH! 

I stopped entertaining these kind of toxic people mentioned in the OP and ieevee's.  I want no part of someone's unhealthy need for attention and they are not gonna drag me into their moments of self hate.

I used to tell them "yeah you DO look huge"...now I simply start talking about something irrelevant like ponies or flip flops.  After a while they know not to come with me with that nonsense....

Ponies and flipflops! Hahaha!

I think some people seem to be missing that the point of this rant is not skinny people joining in an ongoing conversation about weightloss that includes fat people. The point is unsolicited comments/advice from skinny-attention-seekers to fat people who were in no way engaged in a weightloss conversation.

Example: Used to have a 110lb./5ft.5in. neighbor. We'd be playing cards, drinking beer, laughing, and she would, without provocation, lift up her shirt to show her perfectly flat, perfectly tan stomach, and while patting her rock hard abs, say in this stupid, whiny voice, "God, I need to lose weight!"

Where's a decent bolt of lightening when you need one?

I think a lot of people are afraid of offending and just truly do not know what to say.  Unless you are my sister, if you mention your weight around me, I will probably change the subject, whether you are overweight or underweight.  I truly have no clue what someone wants to hear when they talk about their weight, so I avoid it altogether.   I think it's easy to get offended, but if you look at the other person's point of view, you probably make them uncomfortable by talking about your weight.

If I mention my weight around someone (and yeah, I've done it), I just take whatever comment I get, because I know I threw the person off guard and it was probably a social faux pas for me to even say anything and put them on the spot in the first place.  If they say "ohh.. you're not even that fat.." or something similarly insensitive, I just laugh at me and at them, because the situation is ridiculous and neither of us should really be talking about my weight.  It's irrelevant.

Now... when it comes to unsolicited comments, I can see how that would be annoying.  However, if a marathoner came up to me and gave me running advice without me asking, you'd better believe I would listen.

I begin to wonder at what point in our society discussing weight with relative strangers was considered appropriate.  To me, it is like discussing skin conditions or bowel movements.  Talk about TMI disease...

And there are times when any comment is too much.  My mother can tell me something like, "Wow, you've lost weight," and even that makes me feel awful - because she is saying I was overweight to begin with.  Or, "too bad it doesn't come in vertical stripes."  Yeah, that makes me feel better.

I admit that I am oversensitive, but I think sometimes people are not sensitive enough.  I found minda_spk's rant to be amusing and even corresponding with my feelings at times, and sometimes I think people need to know how their comments are coming across to the person they are speaking with.

On the other hand, I once had a friend who was a "statuesque" figure.  She was very tall, large framed, and slightly overweight.  She constantly talked to me about wanting to lose weight, the exercises she was doing, and how ugly she felt.  I had no idea what she wanted me to say.  I was in high school, for crying out loud, and trying to be less overweight myself.  I finally told her to try walking more feminine and to smile more, two things I had recently begun to work on.

Looking back, I regret telling her that.  It might have not been the nicest thing to say.  But I had tried keeping my mouth shut, offering inane positive comments, and that didn't satisfy her.  In the end, I began avoiding her.

Of course, I had also been approached in junior high in the locker room by another, skinny girl, who asked me why I would be overweight when I could be so pretty...That has really scarred me, but it also urged me to start re-evaluating my size.

Regardless of what size the person making the comments is, or what size the person receiving the comments is, I think irritation and hurt feelings are the likely outcome. 

Original Post by larissastrong:

"Skinny people piss me off.  I love it when they say things like "sometimes I forget to eat."  Now I've forgotten my keys, my mother's maiden name and even my shoe size, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat."

Well... depends on what you qualify as "stupid".  I do forget to eat on occasion - when I'm engrossed in a particularly good book or doing research or solving a complicated calculus problem, whatever. Sometimes your body just doesn't get to that point of starvation that supersedes your mind's brillant capacity for distraction.

However, I think there's a difference between bragging about forgetting to eat and bemoaning the fact that you're an absent-minded professor.

minda, hope the rant made you feel better!  I had at one time quite a toxic relationship with one of the skinny-attention-seekers...Not anymore though.  Now the only person I struggle with like that is my mom.  My mother was always average, I guess an 8-10 throughout high school and when she got married.  After her 3rd child, I think she weighed close to 300 lbs.  When she first started trying to lose weight, she cut her portions and started being more active and she did great.  Somewhere along the line, she really derailed and probably has more than one form of disordered eating.  She's never been technically underweight, but that's not a required symptom.  Now, my mother, who has seen me struggle with weight all my life, and never once had any encouragement or words of wisdom, comes up with stuff like this... "Let's go shopping together, I need new clothes and it's so hard to ever find a 6."  While patting her slim hips like a size 6 was just the biggest she could imagine purchasing without dying in shame.  This was at a point where I was still in high school and busting out of my size 20's.  Thanks mom.

Why are all the boards getting full of bitching? Why can't one express an opinion whithout having at least 5 people jumping at their throats?

I am very cautious when it comes to talking about my weight. Ok, it's more like I am ashamed of it, I would never try to discuss it with collegues or random people. My friends know that I am trying to be healthy, but apart from some random comments on my cooking I avoid talking about my diet or who is fat or how much they need to lose as I don't want to a, bore and b, offend anybody. And that is the key- why the hell can't people be polite? Why do you have to be rude to people?  Seriously, I just don't get it. It is like calling each other a cow or ugly or a toothpick and so on is a way of showing that you are better than them.  Does it make you feel better when you are mean to a person who has never done anything to you? Do you get a kick out of being rude thinking you are funny? Punch them in the face, pleeease.

I too have those lovely friends in my life who go on and on about losing 5-6 pounds because they are sooo fat. I had a neighbour telling me and my sister- oh, you are really beautiful but that one is fat. Guess which one of us was the fat one. And I was like 160 lb and 5.8

( Sorry, got bit off topic. Now that's what I call a good vent)

Original Post by pochahontas:

I too have those lovely friends in my life who go on and on about losing 5-6 pounds because they are sooo fat. I had a neighbour telling me and my sister- oh, you are really beautiful but that one is fat. Guess which one of us was the fat one. And I was like 160 lb and 5.8

Wow - that's horrible... Some people just have no tact (or judgment for that matter).

Minda, being surrounded by college students has to be tough.  I'm out of school myself but still living in a college town... it's tan, skinny folks as far as the eye can see.  The "ugh, I need to lose 5 pounds - I'm such a whale!" sounds pretty familiar.  Can't be a great environment for somebody trying to lose weight.

That said, being thinner, it can be very awkward when someone brings up their weight, problem areas, diet woes, etc.  I think sometimes it's female nature to try to sympathize with someone by picking on your own (perceived) flaws but yeah, someone 120# going "oh, I know, I hate my thighs, too" can't be especially motivating.

Just for the sake of argument, the comments do go the other way (occasionally).  I've heard the "oh, just you wait until you lose your fast metabolism" and "you're just one of those people who can eat whatever they want but someday, you'll see!".  I see where those kinds of comments are coming from but they're awfully presumptuous.

The funniest was when I literally had a woman (she was pretty, um, outspoken) tell me at a cookout: "Oh, I hate people like you who can eat whatever you want!"  Granted, she was laughing when she said it, but it rubbed me the wrong way.  I let her know that I had put in a fair bit of time at the gym that week and she (actually) replied, laughing: "Oh, well, f*** you then."

She was kind of a nutjob, though. :)

While occasionaly exasperating, I appreciate all the response!

Msilvermane: A very thoughtful and tactful post (something I occasionally lack). I agree with most of what you say and enjoyed reading it.
fayeonherway: I LOVE your response. Ponies and flipflops are my new strategy
puh8suwrux: I think it's rather personal also. I'm glad you got that it was supposed to be amusing : )

I'm going to make one more vain attempt at explaining the situation since it still seems to be unclear. The large majority of people never offend me when they make comments about weight, dieting, cooking, whatever. There is a small subset that are doing so in such a way that is inappropriate and rude and seems, by my observation, to be impossible to acheive if one's ever been overweight. It's not all skinny folk, it's not most skinny people, it's just one catty subset. Overweight people who constantly bring up their weight just in hopes of a compliment or reassurance also annoy me, but that's not my frustration right now.

I'm in a fitness class. 90 minutes a day M-Th. I'm the fattest woman there. Previously I got comments like those ranted about maybe once a week, now in this class, I'm getting them every time we meet. A woman in the class speaks to the person on her other side about cooking, about her classes, her fitness goals, she turns to me and starts talking about how fat she is and how much she hates her hips. In the span of her talking and me umm-hmm-ing along, she hits at least two things talked about in the rant. I don't start these conversations, and I try not to keep them going to long. I'm not rude, in any way, I just try and direct the conversation somewhere else.

Think of it like a new hair cut. You have one friend who nicely tells you that it's nice, but she likes it better long. No big deal, she's sincere, you value her opinion, but you love the new do. When I get a comment similarly about my weight, it's no problem. My friends vary from under to overweight. Some have lost 100+lbs, some trying to gain. We talk about fitness, health, cooking, dieting, recipes, the whole bit. Thats not what we're talking about. Now imagine you take that new hair cut to work and people that don't even work in your dept. are stopping in to say, in the fake-nice voice how nice it is, but don't you miss it long, they think pretty hair is more feminine, you had such pretty hair before, what did you do? Now imagine that happens 4 days a week. It doesn't matter how you feel about, it still kinda sucks.

We all know it would be rude to be bitching about our (hopefully) decent finances around the poverty-stricken, nor would we sit beside a homeless person and bitch about how our heaping plate of food doesn't have the exact sauce we want, so why is it appropriate to spontaneously tell a fat stranger that you hate your normal sized body?

Overall, being treated differently because of how you look always sucks. Dealing with it 4 days a week, blows. I love the class. Most people have no ill will. And I am nothing but nice because I am aware that they don't know how it comes off. That doesn't mean it isn't frustrating. That doesn't mean its a silly complaint. Every overweight person I know has stories like this, so don't think that I'm just the whiny forum girl. It happens. If you were in the situation, you might be offended too.

"Just for the sake of argument, the comments do go the other way (occasionally).  I've heard the "oh, just you wait until you lose your fast metabolism" and "you're just one of those people who can eat whatever they want but someday, you'll see!".  I see where those kinds of comments are coming from but they're awfully presumptuous."

That's horrible!!

Just wanted to throw my two cents in...totally get it, Minda. I remember Incidents. I remember how bad it would make me feel when some random skinny person, to borrow a phrase, would complain about how HUGE she felt and really NEEDED to lose lots of weight before even thinking about wearing shorts...and there I was, 100 lbs or more on her, and yup wearing shorts. Now COME ON, you jusy have to know that was deliberate.

Maybe I am just thicker-skinned now...it doesn't bother as much. Yesterday I over heard a new collegue, who is very slender, laughing with another coworker about how the XL tshirt, given to her for a company event, was going to be HUGE AS A HOUSE but that was the only size left, woe woe. As a HOUSE. And here I am, just one cubicle over, lucky to fit in an XL now, and how I can manage to cram my house-sized body into my cubicle I have no idea.

A comment like that used to make me feel really bad about myself and want to comfort eat. Consider yourself lucky that you want to punch them in the face lol...I always wished I could be mad and maybe even bitter instead of so hurt and sad. Now I am just like, meh. Whatever, dumba$$.

What an interesting discussion!  I'm going to make a rant of my own.  :) 

The hardest part of my current weight loss journey was deciding to talk about it openly with my friends (who happen to almost all be larger than me).  I decided that if they are my friends, I can share anything I would normally share with a friend, including my trials and efforts at weight loss.  It's a huge part of my life now; I don't want to hide it.  I've received criticism from people for wanting to lose weight, particularly people who want to argue that I should be happy the way I am.  Frankly, I don't think those people have a right to decide that for me, although I do appreciate their implied compliment.  Nor is my desired weight loss a reflection of what I think of them, their habits or their weight.

It seems ludicrous to judge others based on my own goals, or to assume that others are judging me by theirs.  If my goal was to be able to bench 250 lbs, I wouldn't be judging those who couldn't do 100 lbs.   If I want to be an olympic swimmer, I do not expect my friend the business exec to have a similar lung capacity, and he does not expect me to make six figures at my job.  If I want to dye my gray hair, I am not criticizing people with more gray hair for their non-dying habits.  I suspect that their feelings of judgment have more to do with how they feel about themselves than anything I'm thinking.  So if I want to weigh 135 lbs, I'm not judging anyone who doesn't, and I'd prefer they don't judge me.

Also, I happen to think my friends are very beautiful.  I would hope they are not insulted when I say so.

End rant.  :)

One question: what is an appropriate response to a friend who is larger and who has expressed a desire to lose weight?  I've never really known what the best way to handle that is.  I usually say "That's awesome!" and attempt to bond on our mutual experiences with the issue.  But that may not be the best approach, I'm hearing?  It may come across as trying to identify with something I can't possibly understand?  Or as judgmental?  What should I say to both show support and avoid making them feel worse?

as I am reading everyone's comments, I have to admit, it pisses me the hell off that people can be so cruel.  I used to think that kids were the cruelest human beings because they weren't old enough to know better,  but getting offended myself on a daily basis it just amazes me how ignorant people can be. The question isn't why do skinny people have to be so mean to fat people or visa versa...why does ANYONE have to be so cruel??  It's like the black and white issue that is still going on for a gazillion years....it doesn't matter what color you are, why be so cruel??  I happen to work with a bunch of women that weigh more than I do, I guess.  These women are my very good friends so I don't look at them and value them by what they weigh, they are just my friends,  We have a mutual respect for one another and actually can talk and vent about anything without being cruel.  I had a women come from one of the other departments in my building, passing around donuts for everyone and when she came to me I said, oh, that is so nice of you, but I will pass. thank you for offering anyway.  Her reply was , figures, skinny bitch. Nice huh?  Did she mean it? I'm sure she didn't.  Was she fat?  Don't know, didn't notice either way.  I just once again, ignored the comment and moved on with my day. To be honest, I get comments all the time from people telling me to shut up when they ask me what my plans are for the evening and I say I am on my way to the gym to I hate you because maybe I didn't want to eat something fattening.  I struggle with my weight every day.  I have to work very very hard to stay in shape and it is a day to day struggle making the right choices when it comes to food.  Please don't judge me or put me down or say your snide lil' comments because I don't make the same choices you have.  Just do what is best for YOU, hope that it is the right decision and I wish you the best of luck...thin or fat.

as I am reading everyone's comments, I have to admit, it pisses me the hell off that people can be so cruel.  I used to think that kids were the cruelest human beings because they weren't old enough to know better,  but getting offended myself on a daily basis it just amazes me how ignorant people can be. The question isn't why do skinny people have to be so mean to fat people or visa versa...why does ANYONE have to be so cruel??  It's like the black and white issue that is still going on for a gazillion years....it doesn't matter what color you are, why be so cruel??  I happen to work with a bunch of women that weigh more than I do, I guess.  These women are my very good friends so I don't look at them and value them by what they weigh, they are just my friends,  We have a mutual respect for one another and actually can talk and vent about anything without being cruel.  I had a women come from one of the other departments in my building, passing around donuts for everyone and when she came to me I said, oh, that is so nice of you, but I will pass. thank you for offering anyway.  Her reply was , figures, skinny bitch. Nice huh?  Did she mean it? I'm sure she didn't.  Was she fat?  Don't know, didn't notice either way.  I just once again, ignored the comment and moved on with my day. To be honest, I get comments all the time from people telling me to shut up when they ask me what my plans are for the evening and I say I am on my way to the gym to I hate you because maybe I didn't want to eat something fattening.  I struggle with my weight every day.  I have to work very very hard to stay in shape and it is a day to day struggle making the right choices when it comes to food.  Please don't judge me or put me down or say your snide lil' comments because I don't make the same choices you have.  Just do what is best for YOU, hope that it is the right decision and I wish you the best of luck...thin or fat.

Original Post by sadinplaid:

Every time one of my super-skinny friends whines to me about how they're "so fat", I just want to say, "Wow, you must find me really disgusting."

Yeah, I don't know how many times I've heard this. I really don't know what to think of that. I guess some of them do think they're fat, and want to make themselves feel better by reminding themselves that at least they're not me, which I'm inclined to believe because they get really, really angry and defensive when I call them on it.

Many, many people, mostly women, think they should make a show of how unhappy they are with themselves, because it's not ladylike to be comfortable and happy with who you are. Obviously a lot of them are genuinely unhappy with themselves, but I think a lot of it is this sick societally-enforced female-bonding ritual centered around how no, my thighs are totally bigger than yours and these jeans make my ass look huge. I think sometimes they just want someone to tell them they're pretty. Unfortunately for them, I will not be the woman for the job.

Original Post by taum:

One question: what is an appropriate response to a friend who is larger and who has expressed a desire to lose weight?  I've never really known what the best way to handle that is.  I usually say "That's awesome!" and attempt to bond on our mutual experiences with the issue.  But that may not be the best approach, I'm hearing?  It may come across as trying to identify with something I can't possibly understand?  Or as judgmental?  What should I say to both show support and avoid making them feel worse?

I would probably just ask, "What made you decide to lose weight?"  It shows that you're interested without conveying any sort of judgement.  Either that, or say, "Oh, I've been down the weight-loss road before.  Let me know if I can be any help, or if you just want someone to talk to about everything."  Again, it doesn't sound judgemental, but it shows that you're supportive.

Most of the skinny people I know don't act the way that was described in the rant, but I've come across similar comments from strangers.  As petty as it may be, though, I can always come up with a backhanded remark in reply (usually in reference to my rather spectacular breasts).  For example, some skinny stranger makes a comment about my size, or checks out my ass, nudges her friend to look, and giggles: "Oh that's a cute outfit.  I'd never be able to wear something like that because I have boobs," or "You're so lucky not to have to wear a bra."  Usually, though, I just brush it off.  After all, most people only criticize others because they don't like something about themselves.

Another "skinny" person perspective:

first off i will agree with what you are sayin and it drives me, too, crazy to hear mega skinny girls call themselves fat.

BUT on the other hand, i have to feel for the girls. i've been the one that used to weigh 140 lbs and now am down to like 120 somethin, and no matter what i do and how hard i try it's impossible to see my body as pretty. i've been through anorexia and bulimia and they're horrible. it's not like all the movie stars make it out to be. you're not happy being skinny. you constantly feel ugly and like a failure. some people think its a choice snobby girls make but it's not. the disorders completely consume you. even in the days that i was underweight with bones jetting out i was miserable. it's not something we can help. some of us just hate our bodies even if we weighed 80 lbs. Granted not all "skinny" girls have eating disorders, but some of them have the same thoughts and feelings that go along with them.

I, unlike the girls you talk about, keep my comments to myself. i hate talking about weight and food and stuff out loud [ha i do my venting and stuff online too :)]. other girls that are similar to my situation, on the other hand, do feel the need to say stuff out loud. so my point is that you can't be too hard on us. you say you dont hate your body and you dont hate your life... well some of us do hate our bodies. i would kill to have the outlook that you do.

i mean, lets say you got down to 110 lbs. you'd prolly be happy and proud and feel pretty right? well if i get down to 110 lbs i still feel ugly and flabby. can you imagine feeling that horrible about something that should be a good thing? you shouldn't be entirely mad at us for not being able to see the positive in things. YOU should be happy that you CAN see the positive in things.