Rant at the naturally skinny, from the fatty perspective.

I'm not trying to mean. I know not every skinny person falls into this category. Not even most. But allow me, as a fat person, to vent my frustration at the inappropriate things slim people say. I'm a college student (for 35 more days!) so I talk to new people all the time (and I've been collecting these statements for a few years now), and I'm a little amazed at what's appropriate, or what I get singled out for over slimmer people at the same table. Here is my sarcasm-laden rant,:

Just because I am fat does not mean I want to have a conversation about how much you hate your sz 4 body. It does not mean I empathize with your intense emotional and mental struggle to take off the last 5 lbs to look good in your bikini. I can barely resist rolling my eyes when you tell me you 'understand' because you used to weigh 140, and (on your body) it made you look huge. I am so happy to hear that you were 'fat' when you weighed 100 lbs less than I do. I don't want to go with you to a great new store that doesn't carry my size. I do not automatically want to go out to get ice cream, cake, or candy, though I appreciate you thinking of me before the slimmer girls. I do not need your input or advice on what I'm eating for lunch. I do not want to hear about the crazy cabbage-soup-style diet your friend of a friend's mother in law lost 20 lbs on. I am completely uninterested in how horrible you think it would be to even be alive without eating sugar. I do not appreciate your gentle suggestion that maybe I should take up walking, because, honey, you couldn't keep up with my workout. Do not use the word willpower to me while you are eating chicken tenders and french fries. Being rude about my size is not justified by following it up with, 'I'm just concerned about your health.' I've got it, thanks. 'I'm sure it will fit, it's stretchy' is also not typically flattering to hear. I do not care in the slightest that you won't go to the gym with me because people might think you're fat. I am not impressed with your incredulous looks when I tell you I'm healthy. I do not want to talk about dieting. No nice statement ends with 'that bad' ('you don't look that bad'). I do not hate myself, my life, or my body, and the assumption that I should because I'm overweight just makes me fantasize about punching you in the face. I don't appreciate your disbelief at my 'eat healthy and exercise' plan. Vying for flattery from me by asking me if you look fat really just makes me wonder if you're trying to call me stupid. Mentioning my personality in a conversation about looks is not as artfully tactful as you seem to believe. My deepest, sincerest, apologies that it is so difficult for you to accept and believe that I am healthy and happy when I still have a good year before my body properly displays that. However, in the mean time, please shut up.

One thing that really confuses me is why an overweight person wouldn't want any advice or help from someone whose lost weight.  I lost 50 pounds and kept it off for two years now, and it was no accident. I know that some things I've learned could help people, but damned if I'm going to say anything.  I'm "not allowed" because I'm not overweight anymore.  Confusing, but why would you rather take advice from someone who is fat than someone who has proved themselves by losing weight?

Original Post by huggitbear:

One thing that really confuses me is why an overweight person wouldn't want any advice or help from someone whose lost weight.  I lost 50 pounds and kept it off for two years now, and it was no accident. I know that some things I've learned could help people, but damned if I'm going to say anything.  I'm "not allowed" because I'm not overweight anymore.  Confusing, but why would you rather take advice from someone who is fat than someone who has proved themselves by losing weight?

huggitbear, a lesson I learned while pregnant: don't assume your advice is welcome, ask! Then, if someone says, "Yes, please, I really want to know!" you know you're welcome. If they say, "no thanks," then don't give it, they won't listen anyway.

This applies in all arenas. "Would you like to hear how I got through morning sickness? No? Okay." "Would it help if I told you about my exercise regimen? You're comfortable with what you're doing, but you'll ask if you need help? Okay." "Can I tell you about my hairdresser who does amazing things with curly hair? You like your hair as it is? Great!"

Be respectful. It's not so hard.

I am with you madamq.  I used to be the skinny person too and had loads of friends who were overweight.  I'm sure that I've put my foot in my mouth (maybe not intentionally, but still) and now I'm struggling to lose weight.  I completely sympathize with anyone struggling with their weight, more so with those who are trying to lose it/eat right to feel better.  It's harder than I could've ever imagined.  And to minda_spk: based on what I read about you in your post, rant on.  Some people have no idea what comes out of their mouths and how hurtful it can be.  I'm sure you've just opened someone's eyes.

I think sometimes the whole thing is just awkward and isn't even worth talking about except with close friends.

For example I recently made a new friend and she's slightly overweight. I'm normal or skinny but I work hard at it because I have a very slow metabolism. Every day is a big struggle because I have the biggest sweet tooth ever but still I eat really healthy even though it's very hard for me. My friend is always telling me about how she ate pancakes for breakfast or made a cheesecake yesterday and it was amazing and she ate most of it. She'll have cake during class before even eating lunch. I feel very ashamed about what I did next, but I just couldn't help it. I told her one day that maybe she shouldn't eat so many sweets. she immediately took it as an insult about her weight (and I will say that I know it was mean of me to say it in the first place, that's true) but then insults me and says that I just don't get it because I'm skinny. This got me really angry because I work very hard to watch what I eat (my whole family is big on junk food and many times I have to  buy my own food at whole foods, and prepare my meals because they will make every meal with a lot of oil and butter and mayo).

the point is that no matter who you are, this topic about weight will most likely get you in trouble. When you think about it, it really isn't worth it. it's just better to avoid it and talk about something else, specially with NEW PEOPLE!

hi minda,

hehe i get you. no i do not hate thin people, after all i know peoplewho do not want to be too thin and they are (two of these are maly, they have tried hard with help of doctors and nothing happened - i trust them that being a man that has a funnily skinny body is not always pleasant!) BUT i can soo relate to your "I can barely resist rolling my eyes when you tell me you 'understand' because you used to weigh 140" - hahaha. also "I don't want to go with you to a great new store that doesn't carry my size." - i did go to such shops with friends when i was young and it hurt. i was bored, frustrated, the staff looked at me funny and the main thing - the girls did not have a clue how unpleasant it is for me because they had fun and that kinda filled their heads. i do not want to be bitter, just stopped going to these shops and honetly i have almost forgotten it, but you reminded me of that and i just had to laugh - yes i am not alone! thanks

re "You come across in this particular post like a little child, " pooh hoo! - well and why exactly not. i believe this forum is not just for serious discussion and bering mature and that, to me it is taking to a conversation one normally has with people (but here we are in diffferent places, do not know each other that well and might never meet) - i do not know about you, but i am 35 and me and my friends DO tend to tell each other things that do not make us look 100% perfect, mature, responsible citizens.

I have a girlfriend who is much smaller than me, even since I've lost 48 lbs, she is probably still 40-50lbs smaller than I am, but she is also 7-8 inches shorter... When I first started trying to lose weight, and she was almost 100lbs lighter than I was, she would complain about how much weight she had to lose, and honestly, she probably did feel like her 10lbs was a huge deal on her size 4 body. Knowing that she didn't mean any harm by it, I always shrugged it off.

Well, the other day, we were sitting around and she mentioned something about being "so fat", and I jumped at the opportunity (as a ribbing between friends, I would never say this to anyone else) to say- "Hey! Don't you worry, stick with me and I'll get you skinny in no time! " It was awesome! And we both got a good chuckle.

Original Post by antiferret:

Original Post by sadinplaid:

Every time one of my super-skinny friends whines to me about how they're "so fat", I just want to say, "Wow, you must find me really disgusting."

Yeah, I don't know how many times I've heard this. I really don't know what to think of that. I guess some of them do think they're fat, and want to make themselves feel better by reminding themselves that at least they're not me, which I'm inclined to believe because they get really, really angry and defensive when I call them on it.

Many, many people, mostly women, think they should make a show of how unhappy they are with themselves, because it's not ladylike to be comfortable and happy with who you are. Obviously a lot of them are genuinely unhappy with themselves, but I think a lot of it is this sick societally-enforced female-bonding ritual centered around how no, my thighs are totally bigger than yours and these jeans make my ass look huge. I think sometimes they just want someone to tell them they're pretty. Unfortunately for them, I will not be the woman for the job.

 My sister is constantly complaining about how big she is.  She is 5'6 and usually weighs around 150.  Not super skinny, but much smaller than me (5'4 and 220).   I always tell her that she isnt fat and that she looks fine.  She tells me that I just dont get it.  

I finally decided to ask her "What would you do if you looked like me?"   Her response: "Honestly, I'd probably kill myself."   At first I was a little shocked, but then I bursted out laughing because it was one of the most blatantly ignorant things I've ever heard and I couldnt believe someone actually said that.   I then asked her if I should go kill myself since I actually am this big and she said "No Jessie, you're different from me.  You're strong.  I'm not."

As horrible as her first comment was her second comment actually made me feel bad for her.  I've spent my entire life being this big and learning how to deal with it and yet she wouldnt be able to handle it.  I know a lot of skinny people who make comments are snobs who just want attention, but I also think a lot of smaller people just have no idea what a big weight problem actually means.  A lot of people really see any amount of excess weight as a negative, massively life altering problem.   I wouldnt want anyone making random comments about weight issues because its just awkward in general, but overall, smaller people just dont get it sometimes.   I think most people have good intentions (maybe) but they just dont realize what they're talking about.

Original Post by jessicasbc:

I know a lot of skinny people who make comments are snobs who just want attention, but I also think a lot of smaller people just have no idea what a big weight problem actually means.  A lot of people really see any amount of excess weight as a negative, massively life altering problem.   I wouldnt want anyone making random comments about weight issues because its just awkward in general, but overall, smaller people just dont get it sometimes.   I think most people have good intentions (maybe) but they just dont realize what they're talking about.

Yeah, I think the way it works is, when you're obese you're obese, and that's all there is to it. I'm not going to ask you if these jeans make me look fat, because duh. As your BMI drops to around the low 20s, your self-doubt starts being about specific parts of your body, like now your calves stick out or your breasts are suddenly too small or your ass is half an inch too big around or whatever the hell. It's a different issue. You know something is "wrong" with you, but obesity is no longer your easy answer.

I guess people who have never been obese but still have the need to hate on themselves (which I absolutely don't blame them for, because women especially get it from all sides about how we're not good enough, and it's no shock that a lot of us buy into it) have an even tougher time understanding that the problem isn't with their bodies and their self-esteem wouldn't be any better if they lost ten pounds.

speaking as one of the "naturally skinny" who was overweight for a few miserable years, i want to say that we're all naturally skinny - or at least naturally healthy.  there's nothing natural about obesity: it is not adaptive or or healthy, and in the natural world, the obese wouldn't live long enough to procreate.

obesity is a condition we have imposed on ourselves as a species.

so can we lay off the skinny people?  just because some of us manage to maintain a healthy weight for most or all of our lives doesn't give license to generalize, stereotype, and bash. 

Anorexia is also not natural, it's a condition we've imposed on ourselves as a species.

Skinny != healthy. And what is your definition of obese? Are we just saying people who can no longer move of their own free will or just someone who happens wears a size 24 because there's a phenomenal difference between being fat (or even very fat) and not being able to function.

Unhealthy fat is not related to thunder thighs or bat wings or even muffin top, to most extent. This is just subcutaneous fat, just vital adipose tissue, stuff your body lays down in case of famine. The unhealthy stuff lies hidden within your veins and arteries, hardened plaque that clogs up these essential roadways. When your heart is unable to get your blood moving, parts of it get damaged from lack of oxygen and eventually the organ fails. This is a heart attack.

ANYONE can die of a heart attack - even if they are the skinniest person ever. One of the key measures of health is cardiovascular stamina, to be able to run that mile without needing to stop and rest. That size 24 woman is just as likely to have the same cardiovascular strength as her size 0 counterpart, the difference between them is some adipose tissue and a whole world of prejudices.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

speaking as one of the "naturally skinny" who was overweight for a few miserable years, i want to say that we're all naturally skinny - or at least naturally healthy.  there's nothing natural about obesity: it is not adaptive or or healthy, and in the natural world, the obese wouldn't live long enough to procreate.

obesity is a condition we have imposed on ourselves as a species.

so can we lay off the skinny people?  just because some of us manage to maintain a healthy weight for most or all of our lives doesn't give license to generalize, stereotype, and bash. 

 I don't think people are "naturally skinny" Where's your research??? I think people come in all sizes and shapes--even if we all eat the same healthy food, I think there would be people of all sizes and shapes.....And I don't think the criticism is on skinny people per say but just rude people in general, who don't think before they speak

Original Post by luxdancer:

Anorexia is also not natural, it's a condition we've imposed on ourselves as a species.

Skinny != healthy. And what is your definition of obese? Are we just saying people who can no longer move of their own free will or just someone who happens wears a size 24 because there's a phenomenal difference between being fat (or even very fat) and not being able to function.

Unhealthy fat is not related to thunder thighs or bat wings or even muffin top, to most extent. This is just subcutaneous fat, just vital adipose tissue, stuff your body lays down in case of famine. The unhealthy stuff lies hidden within your veins and arteries, hardened plaque that clogs up these essential roadways. When your heart is unable to get your blood moving, parts of it get damaged from lack of oxygen and eventually the organ fails. This is a heart attack.

ANYONE can die of a heart attack - even if they are the skinniest person ever. One of the key measures of health is cardiovascular stamina, to be able to run that mile without needing to stop and rest. That size 24 woman is just as likely to have the same cardiovascular strength as her size 0 counterpart, the difference between them is some adipose tissue and a whole world of prejudices.

 

i said "obese" because i meant obese.  and i used the terms "naturally skinny" (quoting the OP) because people throw that around a lot here, usually in a derogatory way. 

booster, read my first sentence again.  i'm talking about healthy weight as being our natural, adaptive, optimum state.

Original Post by bootser1:

...And I don't think the criticism is on skinny people per say but just rude people in general, who don't think before they speak

isn't that everyone, at least once in awhile? 

on tuesday i told my landlady that i'm allergic to peonies.  this was about 5 minutes after she gave me a beautiful bouquet of them to welcome me to my new home. 

i've probably complained about my weight within the earshot of fat people.

i've complained about having a cold to someone who has cancer.

i've complained about not being able to run 10k to someone who can't walk.

i guess i'm a rude skinny person.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

i guess i'm a rude skinny person.

I don't know about that, but if you're regretting the thoughtless comments you make to people you feel superior to, you might consider not making those comments anymore. If you don't regret it, good for you, and keep doing what you do, but I don't see you finding a lot of support for thoughtless arrogance here.

Original Post by antiferret:

Original Post by pgeorgian:

i guess i'm a rude skinny person.

I don't know about that, but if you're regretting the thoughtless comments you make to people you feel superior to, you might consider not making those comments anymore. If you don't regret it, good for you, and keep doing what you do, but I don't see you finding a lot of support for thoughtless arrogance here.

um, what exactly is it that you don't know about?  because it sounds like you think you know a lot.

Have you ever stopped to that that these "naturally" skinny are struggling with weight issues just as much, or even in some cases MORE than you do.

Getting your bitch on at them isn't going to help. Almost everyone has issues with their weight; just because they look skinny doesn't mean they don't struggle with it everyday as you do. When they "vye" for your attention, doesn't it suggest to you that they do in fact feel incredibly insecure in their own skin and are honestly just seeking reassurance about themselves.

Original Post by pgeorgian:

i said "obese" because i meant obese.

That's an incredible non-answer. What is obese?

Are you defining it by the BMI? Be wary of that, the BMI is entirely useless except as a general gauge - it doesn't take muscle density into consideration. Some better formulas take other measurements into consideration - but all that tells us is how much subcutaneous fat you have. It is not a measure of health.

Are you defining it by something so arbitrary as how fat someone looks to you? Because someone I consider slender, by other eyes is fat - or vice versa. And what does that matter, if you're talking about health?

Or are you talking specifically about people whose volume of fat so outweighs their muscle capacity that they are unable to move? Because I'm pretty sure the majority of people on this site don't fall under the last category.

At what point do people go from being chubby to fat to obese?

Original Post by la_discotheque:

Have you ever stopped to that that these "naturally" skinny are struggling with weight issues just as much, or even in some cases MORE than you do.

In our messed up society, this is entirely true. The difference is that those of us with that kind of disordered eating and screwed up self image, that we look in the mirror and we're skin and bones and all we see is a fat slob, the structure of our issues is different. We're punishing ourselves, and society rewards us for it. We become less than air, and we're praised. We're given the carrot.

Fat people just get punished, they're getting the stick. That's at least straightforward. It sucks pretty much for everyone involved.