How would you react?

I'm recently (8 months) separated and going through the motions of getting divorced.  I have 2 boys ages 7 and 9.  I've been trying to distance myself from my ex.  Now I know that there needs to be communication with her.  She's the mother of my children.  For the most part, everything has been civil.  I once heard, love your children more than you hate your ex...so much truth to that.  My main focus of my life is my boys and I'm trying to keep the heartache and confusion to a minimum.  My ex is good about me coming to see them or take them places even if it's not "my time" to have them.

Now that it's summer (or supposed to be), there are the typical parties, picnics and family get-togethers.  Well the first couple times that MY family invited my ex, it was uncomfortable but I kept my mouth shut and went along with it.  She (my ex) was "part of the family" for almost 12 years so to make a clean cut might have been even more devastating for her.  I'm not a cold-hearted person...I understand that my family was trying to make it easier on her too.  So after about the third or forth get-together, I mentioned to my brother that it was a bit uncomfortable for me and that I was hoping that this would change over time.  He told me that it "wasn't his doing".  He said that his wife has been inviting her to all the functions, after all they've become friends through the marriage.  Okay, I can understand that but they never "hang out" or have coffee except at these parties.  Most recently was my niece's b-day party.  Yes, she was there.  It was my weekend with the boys so the "we wanted the boys there" excuse doesn't fly.  Not only is it very uncomfortable for me but it's easy to notice that everyone is watching the interaction between her and I.  I say "hello"...she says nothing.  UGGGG!  That's the history.

This is where I need help or advice and this is what's got me more pissed off than I've been in a long time.

Tuesday night, I called the boys (I do that every night) and asked them how their day was.  They told me that they went to the amusement park with mommy.  I thought that was great!  They went on to tell me that grandma (my mom), grandpa (my dad), my brother, his wife and his daughters all went too.  I only have one brother and no sisters...so ALL of MY family went to the amusement park...together...and I didn't even know about it.  Wasn't even asked.  Am I hurt?  F-in right!  Am I angry?  Yup!  Am I confused?  More than you'd ever know!

So what would you do?  How would you react?  Any similar experiences?

If it wasn't for my boys, I'd tell them all to go f themselves.

seems like they are acting like 2 or 3 years have passed and all parties have moved on...in which case i thinkk it would be ok in terms of putting the kids first and after that long her every move wont create such an emotional reaction in you for the most part.

i think they are disrespecting your emotional space and putting theirs first. they obviously love your ex but maybe you could talk to them and say hey can you give her a raincheck until i am in a better place?

you sound like a good dad. hang in there casper.

I would be VERY upset, hurt, angry, you name it...I would feel it.  I would talk to your mom, she is usually the one to start with.  I really don't understand that in the least!  It could be your sil and your ex are working together.   I really don't understand at all.  My jaw was on the floor when I read this.

you have had the crappiest year!  {{{{{CASPER}}}}}

I'd be pretty pissed too.

I think I WOULD react by telling them to go f themselves.

I can't begin to understand how your family would treat you that way, but that was disrespectful, to say the least.

if your family can't bother to treat you and your situation with respect, if they love the ex THAT much, then I'd start making excuses. Oh, sorry.. the boys and I can't make it to the neice's birthday party. We're off to a ball game. have a great time with my ex. Bye!

Our imginations tend to get the best of us when we think of all the various scenarios on why something like that may have occurred.  If it bothers you (and I dont blame you that it does), I'd call your parents and your brother and ask why they went to the park without you or didn't even ask.  They might come up with something like 'oh we knew you were working' or 'your ex asked us not to invite you' or something similar.  That might not make it better but at least you'd know what the reasoning is instead of having to guess.  You can also let them know that you didn't appreciate it and in the future they should at least let you know what they are up to.  It's not too much to ask.

I hope things improve for you and its good that you get to still see your kids regularly.   Good luck :)

Well, forgive me for being suspicious, but I can't help but wonder if your ex is using your family to hurt you?  Do you suppose 5 years down the road she'd invite them all out for a day? 

Original Post by splitrail:

Well, forgive me for being suspicious, but I can't help but wonder if your ex is using your family to hurt you?  Do you suppose 5 years down the road she'd invite them all out for a day? 

Even if she is, they're agreeing to be used that way. His freaking mother and father, even! They're not guiltless here.

Divorce is always a painful process.  Painful for the parties involved and their families.  I too would be hurt at the amusement park thing....bring it up and tell them you are hurt and then hush.  Let them react and talk. 

As for the family parties, again I would have a discussion with your family/.  Explain that you are tryng to get on with your life.  How will your future ex feel when you bring a female to a party?  How will you feel when your future ex brings a male to a family party?  It is all so very awkward but realize that you both need to create new lives for yourselves.  Your family needs to realize this as well.

Keep your children front and center.  If you keep their best interests at heart (as you have been doing) you will be fine.  None of this is easy....it's painful now and will be for quite some time.  But as you already know, there are times when you will have to socializse w/ the future ex (graduations, weddings etc).

Take a breath....have a chat with the family....and continue to love your children.

Original Post by hkellick:

if your family can't bother to treat you and your situation with respect, if they love the ex THAT much, then I'd start making excuses. Oh, sorry.. the boys and I can't make it to the neice's birthday party. We're off to a ball game. have a great time with my ex. Bye!

on occasion yes, as a habit no - that hurts the kids howard. tricky ground here. maybe it would only take once or twice OR (the horror) it would totally backfire and they would exclude casper even more.

Not sure I agree, H20... the children are only hurt if they never have anything to do with the family but missing the occasional party...

But then depending on how long it takes for casper's family to get how they're hurting him, the kids'll be hurt anyways because kids DO get when things between mom and dad aren't good.

Original Post by devilish_patsy:

Divorce is always a painful process.  Painful for the parties involved and their families.  I too would be hurt at the amusement park thing....bring it up and tell them you are hurt and then hush.  Let them react and talk. 

As for the family parties, again I would have a discussion with your family/.  Explain that you are tryng to get on with your life.  How will your future ex feel when you bring a female to a party?  How will you feel when your future ex brings a male to a family party?  It is all so very awkward but realize that you both need to create new lives for yourselves.  Your family needs to realize this as well.

Keep your children front and center.  If you keep their best interests at heart (as you have been doing) you will be fine.  None of this is easy....it's painful now and will be for quite some time.  But as you already know, there are times when you will have to socializse w/ the future ex (graduations, weddings etc).

Take a breath....have a chat with the family....and continue to love your children.

 I have been divorced for 6 years, I am father of an 8 year old and a 13 year old, and I think DP is spot on with this reply.

like i said on occasion maybe, but teaching them to react in a childish manner is no solution either. as TEMPTING as that may be.

i earned MY halo not trashing the kids dad. talk about self-discipline...oy vey! so hard to be the mature adult and set a good example! they watch your every move. those kids dont miss a beat. :)

Original Post by kvalhion:

Our imginations tend to get the best of us when we think of all the various scenarios on why something like that may have occurred.  If it bothers you (and I dont blame you that it does), I'd call your parents and your brother and ask why they went to the park without you or didn't even ask.  They might come up with something like 'oh we knew you were working' or 'your ex asked us not to invite you' or something similar.  That might not make it better but at least you'd know what the reasoning is instead of having to guess.  You can also let them know that you didn't appreciate it and in the future they should at least let you know what they are up to.  It's not too much to ask.

I hope things improve for you and its good that you get to still see your kids regularly.   Good luck :)

 true, but that bolded part would be BS because he is feeling the same way (would prefer she wasn't there) so that would really piss me off if that is their answer.

I have nothing to offer really - I'd be hurt and ticked off too. I'd start with your mom, how could they think that would be okay? Maybe you're seeming to be okay with everything, and they can't see that you need more understanding from them? (I know how good you guys are at putting up those fronts ;) )

(BTW where are her parents?)

But on the bright side - you still get to see your kids, she isn't blackmailing you with them (like my cousin's ex wife is doing to him) or trying to move to a different state (another friends' ex wife) with them. I am sure this will blow over one way or another and things will smooth out. Nothing stays the same for long.

I think its really inconsiderate of your family to do this and personally I would sit the family down and talk to them about your feelings and just ask if they can be more considerate of you and your feelings. 

I don't think there is much else you can do otherwise you will be made out to be the bad guy for having an issue when the ex doesn't.  Must admit I was pretty annoyed for you just reading it. 

You are being more than considerate but I worry that you might end up popping a gasket at a family thing soon as it has to come out somehow so try talking to the family first.

Oh casper......what the F is up with your family! I would be raging and I mean fly off the handle raging.

I am more than inclined to agree with a couple of posts here first from HK I would so be doing that, after all the boys will not miss out they get invited to more family days than you do.

I also would agree with splitrail, and I would be so suspicious that their was bad things getting said behind your back to your family.....the old woman scorned!

Don't stand for this, I would start with your ex and ask her what is going on. Does she not have family, except yours.

There is a possibility of course that your family are over doing it in an effort to try and not make her feel uncomfortable and not realising that in doing so they are hurting you.

To make an excuse for them maybe they feel they have to keep her sweet so she doesn't become difficult about your children.

Oh crap I don't know, I'm actually quite annoyed for you right now.

{{{casper}}}

Casper: agree that you have your heart in the right place. You sound like a great dad and a fair-minded person.

Here's my take:

Since you mentioned to your brother that her presence makes you feel uncomfortable before the amusement park incident, isn't it possible that they were doing what they thought you wanted by excluding you?

I would (since you asked) call my bro and tell him: I am so sorry I said I didn't want her around - I take it back - let her come to anything she wants, but dude! next time invite me to the amusement park! You know I love the coaster!!

Laugh it off and let go of the discomfort. She'll soon tire of inserting herself into your life, when she gets one of her own. Meanwhile, it'll help the kids to have both of you present, civil and friendly.

Above all - shrug off the anger and search for the friendship between you.

:)

Divorce is hard on the entire family - including the in-laws.  This early in the game, I don't think it's surprising that parents are playing the "not going to take sides, it's the kids that are most important and we just want to keep in touch with them". 

Attitudes evolve during divorce.  Sometimes shockingly quickly.

I appreciate all  your comments and agree with pretty much all of them.  I want to say f-you!  I want to say "no, the boys and I won't be there".  Like I said, I agree but I don't know if I have the heart to do that.  My family loves my boys and I refuse to use them as a pawn.  I'm kind of stuck in a bad spot.  I think I need my family.  I was certain that I loved them (before this crap).  If I look at the big picture, I would rather my family love my children...than me.  They (the boys) need a grammy and poppy...it's part of growing up.  I'm an adult (hurt as hell) but I will survive.  See, that's why I'm so afraid of saying what I want to.  I don't want this to effect the boys in a negative way...more than it already has. I've seen divorces go horribly bad.  I've heard people talk about the crap that goes on and it amazes me and breaks my heart to think about what their children (the innocent) are going through.  I will continue to do what I think is best for them.

Just a note:  I got a text message from my brother on Wednesday morning asking me if I could fix his Jeep.  I responded back to him with "you're on your own here buddy"...which is a lie because I could fix it.  Then I asked him how his "special"day at the park was.  He responded back with, "was that sarcastic".  To which I responded, "yup".  He then called me and asked what the problem was.  I calmly started to tell him that I didn't think it was right.  He just couldn't understand what the problem was.  So I wasn't about to blow my lid and act like the office lunatic so I told him that I couldn't talk about it at work.  That's the last I heard from him.  I haven't heard from my parents since either...so maybe the word is out.  Being that I haven't heard anything makes me believe that they really don't give a good crap and they think I'm wrong. FML

Original Post by ucantseeme:

 I will continue to do what I think is best for them.

Which is probably the best thing to do.

It's sad that you may not get the respect you deserve from your family for this decision, but for whatever it counts, we respect you for this decision and I'm sure the majority of your peers would as well.

i think they should have invited you to the amusement park.  I would have been very hurt too.  Do they not support this divorce?  Do they think that keeping your ex around will bring you together?  Since I don't know the grounds of why you're getting divorced; I'm assuming it wasn't a life-altering affair that would piss your mom off for hurting you like that; maybe they are ALL in denial about this acutally happening.

And, I'd be really peev'd at your brother; b/c that's the ultimate person who should be supporting you.  I'd think he should protest and not go to show his support for you.  Or, just ASK you to friggin' come along. 

WRONG.  JUST WRONG.

what is the age difference between you and your brother older/younger?