reality is a bad influence

i've struggled with an eating disorder for about ten years now.  usually i'll have episodes that last 1-2 years and then life changes and things get good- low stress, positive relationships, etc. and i mellow out. 

the problem is, i'm just re-entering the dating world and it seems like men tend to be WAY more interested in me when i'm very thin.  they probably don't realize how unhealthy i am being to be that thin- but it just makes it that much harder to accept your own imperfections and believe that being healthy is the ideal. 

ugh.  thanks for letting me rant.

omgoodness I can totally relate. Honestly, I was fairly comfortable at 130-135lbs, but society, particularly the dating world has been one of my biggest triggers in my EDs. It doesn't help that people actually did not recognize me when I was about 140lbs (used to be 113lbs) and said that I "really packed on weight", when in reality, I thought and felt fine. And I know that that is all that matters, but it's hard on someone who has been suffering with various eating disorders. And it also doesn't help that guys start complimenting and asking me for dates when I am 120lbs or less. Ugh.. Totally relate. Totally relate. 

i don't know if this will be helpful, but if you think about the type of men who find you more attractive when you're thinner, and about why they find that attractive, maybe it will shift your thinking a little.

some men like tiny women because it allows them to feel big, strong, powerful, protective, in control, etc.  do you really want to be with someone who likes the fact that he can pick you up and carry you around?  or do you want to be with someone who respects you as an adult and an equal?

There are two factors I can think of that may be complicating the situation, and they're related. It's not only the low weight that people respond to, but this:

1) Self-confidence: Many people feel more confident about their appearance at a low weight, and that affects how others respond to them. If that level of confidence can be reproduced at a normal weight, then the situation improves.

2) Style/self-care: If you were wearing stylish clothes and taking good care of other aspects of your appearance while at a lower weight but not as much now, that too will affect how people react to you, and make it appear that it was the weight they liked when that was only a small part of the picture.

I'm a bisexual man (with a minor history of anorexia myself) and the main thing I notice about a woman, physically, is her self-presentation. Actual weight is irrelevant as long as it's not extreme; honestly I would have trouble dating a woman who was, say, twice or half my size, but beyond that I don't care. If she's dressed neatly in clothes that fit, and doesn't seem to be "hiding," then it really doesn't matter if she's a little underweight or a little overweight or in-between.

You all make really good points. But ryanms, I have to say, although you're probably right for most cases, some men actually pay attention to the weight instead of those other factors. Since recovering from an ED (at 102 now up from 75 at my lowest), I get all kinds of comments, even from strangers that I've "put on a lot of weight" or "got fat." It's very insensitive, yes, but some people don't realize that I wasn't healthy at 75 lbs -- that thin doesn't equal healthy. (sometimes, I just say "thank you" so they might think about it and realize that it's a good thing that I've gained weight)

People are just conditioned to believe that gaining weight is always a bad thing and don't recognize the dangers of being underweight. So, they praise thinness, and criticize weight gain. It's sad, actually, that 200-lb men feel justified at calling a 102-lb woman "fat" because she's no longer severely underweight. And Coope, you make a good point; it's like a catch-22. People tell you, on one hand, that you need to gain weight in order to be healthy and that, in turn, is supposed to make you happy. But when you get criticized by ignorant (unknowing) people when heavier, and praised and paid more attention by men when thinner, it makes you wonder. . . Maybe I would be happier staying thin, even too thin. At least that way, I'd have more dating options, even if I have fewer female friends. And, like Ryan said, you would feel more confidant in your appearance. So, where's the harm?

I really do hate that a painfully distorted image put out by most sectors of the media (being a Media student, I am horribly aware of the level of airbrushing and tweaking that can go into a media text) seems to be becoming what is percieved as normality. I try to pay more attention to alternative movements instead, body acceptance and the like. Helps me feel a little more positive about the world's views as a whole. x: Along with, of course, warming to how my own body is - imperfections and all.

In looking for someone I feel much in the same way as Ryan: I notice how someone presents themselves both in personality and grooming rather than physical size. Okay, yes, to extremes I would find it a little odd (as hypocritical this may be coming from someone who is still quite underweight) if the person I was looking at was drastically under or overweight, but for the most part, size really doesn't matter.

Original Post by neslis:

You all make really good points. But ryanms, I have to say, although you're probably right for most cases, some men actually pay attention to the weight instead of those other factors. Since recovering from an ED (at 102 now up from 75 at my lowest), I get all kinds of comments, even from strangers that I've "put on a lot of weight" or "got fat." 

I might be stating the bloody obvious, but there is no chance a 102 pound woman is fat unless she is three inches tall.

I am now in my thirties (old and wise!), and when I look at my friends (who come in all shapes and sizes), there is no correlation between their size and being "lucky in love".

thank you so much for posting this!

i know how your feeling but i don't like thinking i have an eating disorder i just wanna be 'normal' and thin thats all! by normal i mean eat and not have to cry after it!!

its constantly on my brain

i look at my reflection, EVERYWHERE and i look huge.

theres so much i could just go on about and its getting me real down now, its been going on  since 2006 but i've always remember me being worried about it, its just it started to get serious around then

i hate having curves and i hate the phrase "ideal weight' i know i seem ungrateful but the risks i'm willing to take to lose weight would be dangerous! i would do ANYTHING.

i get highs and lows with my weight where i'm abit more relaxed or when i'm "not eating today!!" then eat then cry.

I'M SICK OF IT. please someone relate with me! relate with what im saying and understand me! i'm 18! i should be thinking about the career and life ahead but all i want right now is thin thin thin.

skp_here82 - I know I'm not fat, but that's the way others who knew me before think of me now. They view my weight gain as having let myself go. I just meant that some people don't realise that, in some cases, it's good to gain weight. Those people are the one's who probably don't know a lot about EDs, so they think the thinner, the better.

emily - You are a beautiful girl. Don't put yourself down. And please don't do anything dangerous. Thin isn't everything. There are so many more important things in life that can make you so much happier. Even if you were thinner, chances are, you won't be happier. The obsession won't go away once you reach some magic number. I suggest you seek some kind of professional help because you sound a little depressed to me.

thank neslis,

i've been told alot that maybe i should talk to somebody about this,

i have and i got told to write down the thoughts in my head and as i've lost friends by being so obsessed with this and that maybe if i wrote down how i felt  i could read back on it, but thats not helped me

its actually made me think about it more.

i honestly cant tell you how i'm feeling, i literally want to just pull the fat off

yet i still eat and then cry. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

its normally around my boyfriend i eat and then i go home and cry and work out and get so fed up about it. sometimes i cry to him or my best friend and he says i'm being stupid and that he loves my body (which i dont like because he loves curvvy figures) and my best friend says "if you think your fat, what do you think of me!" which doesn't help.

i need someone i can talk to,

not professionally but a friend.

i know this is blunt but i dont want someone telling me that thin isn't better because in my head its all i want, i just want someone there helping me to lose the weight too! having a boyfriend has made it harder! before i could just get on with it.. im completely stuck

it sounds like a lot more people understand what i meant than i thought would.  i appreciate everyones responses. 

emily- it breaks my heart that someone as young as you is feeling so much pain.  i wish i had advice for you, but obviously i'm a little lost myself.  i think we all struggle with what our intellect knows to be true but then the little voices inside our head tend to be louder.  i know you said you don't really want to talk to a professional about it- but sometimes they are the best ones because they won't judge you or say things like "if you think you're fat what do you think of me..." 

isn't it funny how it is so easy to see the beauty in others- to forgive the flaws in others- but never to grant ourselves the same courtesy?

emily - How "curvy" are you? What are your stats? It's fine to lose a few pounds as long as you remain within a healthy BMI range. I definitely wouldn't recommend going lower than a BMI of 20. I see you just joined CC - CC will help you stay on track and help you to lose those last few stubborn pounds. That's precisely why I joined - I'm looking to lose about 10lbs. Exercise and cut back on the junk. Create a deficit of 500 calories a day, and you'll lose 1/2 lb per week. You can do it!

Emily - You don't even look curvy to me, but I know what you mean. You feel fat even if no one thinks you are. I feel the same about the boyfriend thing, too. I've been seeing someone for a while now, but it's nothing serious. He tells me I'm sexy all the time, but to me, "sexy" means curvy. I don't want to be seen that way. I want people to think I'm pretty, not in any type of sexual way. I thought the fact that he's slightly overweight would make me feel not-as-fat when I'm with him, but it doesn't make a difference. (I've always dated skinny guys before).

Also, what are your stats? Do you want to lose weight just to look better or for health reasons? Either are perfectly good reasons. . . . You are NOT being stupid, either. It can't be stupid to think something you can't control and you've clearly tried to control these thoughts by journaling.  I'm here to talk if you need a friend, too.