Reality check!

Well I've been trying to loose weight for the pass couple of months and there was a couple of time that’s I would successful and there were time when I was not (Like now). I know that I make up excuses for myself and I shouldn't because I desperately want to lose weight Oh so bad! I used to weight 284 but managed to lose 50 pounds in under an year but I gained some of that back but I allowed myself to become the person I used to be and I just was being so lazy I didn't and some what now don't have the urge to exercise Like I used too. Every night I NEVER and I mean NEVER! Get any sleep at night because I'm a VERY VERY VERY light sleeper so just about any sound will wake me up. I'm still living at home with my mom and my 2 sisters and my niece so ... were kind of full here. But anyways I wake u most mornings extremely tired and I go to school I don't work anymore, But I come home everyday and watch my niece, Morning, Noon, and night because my sister could careless about her own damn daughter and I mean she changes her diapers which is rarely and she only feeds her sometimes so I take care of her I bath her, Feed her, stay up with her till 5am sometimes 6 in the morning when she don't feel like sleeping, Where does her mom be? SLEEPING! While I have to go to school she sleeps and leaves she with me so I never get any rest not even on weekends so ... yea. But to make a long story short sometimes after school I play tennis with my sister and we sometimes run home which isn't a long run but it gets me pumped up. I just have a few questions

1. What are some good online exercise videos that are free? (I don't have sound on my computer so.. :] )
2. How can I make time for me to workout when I baby-sit my niece all the time and I hardly have time to do it when my mom comes home at like 7 or sometimes later and I'm just to scared to workout alone?
3. What are some good routines?
4. Lol meal plans too, my diet had been horrible lately?
5. Am I really that pathetic that I have an excuse for every problem?
6. Last but not least, You can say I have low self-esteem (Every since I was about 11 and never seem to got over it, Maybe just a little but I feel more and more depressed about my weight everyday because of the people around me my love ones, my best friend(My sister), people in general. Well I just want to know how can I boost my confidence and not worry about what people are saying about me when I work out at the gym or just period).

I'm sorry if I typed too much, I just need to get something’s off my chest, and I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night about the same things over and over again and not doing nothing about it. Thank you guy/girls for taking the time to read and respond back. :)

1......exercise videos, no idea :)

2....work out with the baby in tow! Go for walks, go to the park, go on bike rides (I got ahold of a baby seat for my bike and my son loves it!). When you go to the park, walk around and play with the kid. Just do like the kid does, get outside and play!

3. Good routines? Eh....I am a fly by the seat of my pants kinda gal. I just try to get out of the house and do something once a day (heck, even walking at the mall is exercise, you know!).

4. Just count your calories!!! Have a deficit of 500 cals a day and you will lose weight, I promise. Add raw fruits and veggies, cut out sodas (treat yourself to one a day, if you want)....once you really count, you will cut out things that are 'wasteful' because you don't want to be hungry!

5. You aren't pathetic.

6. Look at yourself. You are more than your outward apperance. Apparently you are a good person (from what you say)...you take care of your niece out of LOVE. You hang out with your sister out of LOVE. You are a loving person, and that is just what I have gathered from this post. Once you realize all the things you have going for you...the little things you have going against you will seem as small as they really are.

Message me anytime!

Edited to add: I looked at your pics and you are beautiful! I love the braids in the one pic, too :)

First of all you are gorgeous and 50lbs is a great achievment so don't be so hard on yourself! 

1- I don't know of any workout videos that don't require sound, but how about just looking at some shot by shot demonstrations and then making up your own workout routine, make sure to switch up your excersises  (legs one day, arms next, etc) generally it's ok to do some ab excersises everyday, just don't over do it. 

2- same suggestion as above, get out with your niece, not only will it be good for you, but she'll benefit from it as well.

3-if you aren't into going to the gym and want to tone/build muscle, resistance training is probably the best, you don't need weights and you can do them at home.  Try to find excersices that hold your body in certain positions for as long as you can and do mulitple reps of them, (plank, squats, some yoga moves) i'm sure you could find tons,

4- I find meal planning really hard cuz I eat what i feel like. I just make sure that my portions or that or close to what the actual recommended portion on the package is.   Also I find that if I plan what I'm going to eat in the morning for the whole day, I put it all into the calorie count thing and then check how balanced it is and make adjustments, that way, I also know if i can have a small treat or maybe a little larger portion.

5-  I have the same ability for making excuses, I think, "I'm going to go for a run, but I can't run on a empty tummy cuz I'll feel too faint, so I'll eat breakfast, but I can't run with food in my tummy, cuz I'll puke" and so on and so on, I never end up going for runs.  I have no advice for this because I still haven't found something to help me stop.

6- I found that my biggest self-esteem boost was when I went through Basic Training for the Canadian Forces.  They pushed me to limits I never knew I had.  Obviously this isn't atainable on your own because well you don't have a platoon of 40 people cheering you on and encouraging you, but I think the biggest self esteem boost came from doing things that I would normally never do,  (scaling a 30foot high cargo net with no safety), if you can try to do something that will push you, scare you but not kill you.  Try indoor rock climbing or somethig like that, and whatever you do DON'T GIVE UP! the feeling of accomplishing something like that is amazing, give you a good rush to your ego!

You are a wonderful person and are in no way pathetic.

1) Try the workouts on www.shape.com. ; You don't need sound and you can pick whatever ones sound fun

2)I have a young daughter so I understand how hard it is to workout with a little one in tow.  I do agree with the others though.  Get your niece involved.  Play tag or go for a walk with her.  invent games that you can play outside and it won't even feel like work.

3)Same answer as number one for this one.

4)The easist thing for me was to start with portion control.  It sounds cheesy but try eating off a smaller plate and with toddler forks.  lo.  It seemed to help me realize how much I was actually eating.  Then start working in healthier options for the food you love.  Don't completely cut out the things you love.  You'll only want them more.

5)No you are not.  I think we all do it at some point

6)I 100% agree with with both swamp_rat and kelleigh.  Look at you as a person.  Try listing two positive things about yourself before you go to bed and when you wake up.  Also, try to challenge yourself to something new ever week. 

We're all here for you.  If you need to vent or whatever else comes up feel free to message me.