Recovered Anorexic here to support and help!!

Hi!

   My name is Lindsay. I struggled with Anorexia for many years, having it almost end my life. I was lucky enough to find help and have now been recovered for 8 years. I know the struggles of trying to overcome this horrible thing and I want to help ANYONE out there who needs someone to talk to who understands. Sometimes it is helpful to hear tips and just know that it does get easier with time. Please know I do not judge and am not here to preach to anyone, I just feel that everything happens for a reason and if I can use my experience to help ease someone else's struggle I would like to!  

Take care and stay strong,

Lindsay

Hey im knew and im really frustrated with my recovery atm.

A little background... before my ed i was about 145 but happy with my body... i was very curvy. I started to become obsessed with nutrition and such andended up taking it to far and went down to 98 within 6 months. Im 17 and 5' 4 The weird thing is im NOT happy with how i look and i know i look too skinny but at the same time im terrified to gain weight! It's like having these 2 personalities where a part of me wants to get better and a part of me wants to stay the way i am. Also, i've reintroduced all my old favorite foods like ice cream, candy and carbs. But when i eat these foods... i feel like i should compensate and skip meals after i eat the unhealthy foods.

So here's some questions i hope u can answer...

1. did u experience any binging? I have small binges of unhealthy foods but i usually can control myself because i get full very quickly.

2.How long did it take you to recover and how many calories did u eat a day?

Thanks so much and i hope you can help me out a little :]

I need someone. I have had anorexia with ednos-s/c for 26 years. I have tried recovery now 6 times. I am frustrated because there are no support groups or real docs where I live. The one place 2 hours from me Avalon in Buffalo,NY my insurance will not cover.Is there a different way of contact-weight gain forum is not ideal really.

 thanks Diana

Hi Browniebater,

     Thank you for being so honest about what you are going through. You are not alone in any of the things you are feeling or experiencing. I remember quite well that feeling of having a battle in my mind between normal healthy thoughts and what I liked to call "the ED voice." So to answer your questions...

1.) First off, "binging" can mean something very different for many different people.  For example, a bing for someone who restricts their food may look entirely different from someone who continuously bings and purges and those bings could look completely different from someone that eats "normal." I say this because I believed I binged while I had my ED, but once I recovered, I realized my fear of eating "unhealthy" foods made me think and see even normal sized portions of "unhealthy" foods was binging.

       I do however, think I understand what you are saying. When we restrict ourselves so much, we begin to crave the foods we wont let ourselves have. Then, once we try and allow ourselves to eat those foods, we tend to eat just a little bit more than most because it is almost like a period of "loss of control." I always use to hate how I would want to eat the entire box of cookies soo bad and my other friends could just eat one and be fine.  

      The reason why we do it is because subconsciously we know once we allow ourselves to eat like that once, it will be a long time till we let ourselves again, so our mind and cravings want to "stock up" on things we miss. The secret to it is to realize if you allow yourself every day to eat a little "unhealthy" food, that feeling of wanting to eat all of it at one sitting will go away. If you know you can have another cookie later, you are ok with just eating one and just appreciating it for the good taste it is and not this forbidden thing.

2.) I was placed in an intense treatment facility for a little over 3 months, and then worked with a Nutritionist, Psychologist, and Therapist for a year after that to recover. Also, I believe you never fully recover, you are in recovery that just gets easier with time. (Those thoughts don't just magically go away, but they get easier to tell to be quiet, and they do get much easier to ignore!) 

     At my sickest point, I was eating up to 4500 calories a day in order to gain weight. Once you begin to eat again after restricting, your body goes into a hyper-metabolic state (kinda like a dehydrated person needing to drink a lot of water again.) Because of this, you actually need more calories because the body is using them up so fast.  Right now, you need to be very conscious about gaining weight.  You will not become fat at all with your eating, but if you continue to lose weight, you will start to have effects on your body (like losing your hair, the strength of your teeth, your period and your ability to have kids in the future, and your insides will begin to be destroyed).  

    I hope this helps and let me know if you have any other questions... sorry if my posts are long!  

Not asking for advice or anything but i did want to say thank you for being so selfless and ready to lend a sympathetic ear and a helping hand. I have recently jumped on the up and up train having recently gotten sick of waiting for someone to give me permission on what to eat when i was the only person i would listen too all along.

I also, selfish <--, wanted to piggy-back and let the guys around here know that if any of you ever need anything to feel free to send me a pm as i know how different the is between the sexes. Im not sexist in any way whatsoever, but it seriously is. Everyone here is perfect just the way they are and i know the ultimate goal of this site is to make people realize THAT rather than simply track numbers on a scale.

-Peace and Love-

Lindsay, Clay... You guys are great.

I am also here to talk to anyone who wants someone to lend an ear. While weight restored I am still psychologically struggling with a lot of issues, but I can certainly empathise. 

thanks so much!

I feel like im getting stronger everyday and keep trying to tell myself that i need to gain weight to get healthy. im sure i didnt actually binge... but compared to what i was eating during my ED it feels like im binging when i have 2 cookies.

Im praying all these psychological tricks my mind is playing will go away and they seem to be slowly subsiding.

thanks so much for answering my questions Isegal! It helped alot :]

Thank you everyone for you kind words, you have no idea how much they mean to me! Also, thank you Clay and Nina for willing to help others as well, when you are going through something as difficult as an eating disorder, just knowing there is someone there who cares and understands can help tremendously! 

     I have one TIP I wanted to share that helped me when I was struggling: I surrounded myself with reminders of things I loved and wanted in my life once I was healthy.  I have always loved kids and really want to be a mom some day and knowing that I could not do that with an ED I used that as my motivation.  I surrounded myself with pictures of those Anne Geddes baby pictures ( I posted them in my room, on my mirrors, in my bathroom, all over my kitchen!) Not only did they always make me smile, but when I was feeling "fat" or anxious about eating, I was able to look at those and remind myself what really matters!

That's a really great idea, Lindsay. You truly are an inspiration. I'm sure you'll make a great mummy some day :)

Hi there!, im at the begginging of recovery number 4 too, about 2 months into it. Congrats in "making it". I desperately want this all to be a memory of the past and to be healthy body and minded again.

I was wondering

I am always thinking about food-always, and focusing on recovery, when I know that part of recovery is getting on with real life-like creating other hobbies to replace anorexia, and not becoming obsessed by recovery like I did the ED!

Second-To me there are two elements of recovery-one is weight gain and two is"normal eating", like being able to go out for meals, eat at different times, eat a variety of foods, not be looking at calories all the time etc... How did you manage the two together?I get frustrated at myself for maybe-being indecisive about what to eat-telling myself-"JUST CHOOSE SOMETHING!!" because its the ED thats making me confused, or I question-should I be have the same thing twice in a row for lunch, or am i being anorexically habitual?

Im confused!! 

Hi Drivenlass,

     First off, you need to be proud of yourself for entering recovery again, it is not an easy thing to go through, and you show a lot of strength in attempting even after it may not have worked as well before.  An eating disorder is like any other addiction (like an alcoholic) but with eating disorders, you are not allowed to avoid your addiction, food, like alcoholics must avoid alcohol. We have to take our addiction, and not only get over it, but learn to use it properly and live with it... 

    Since there is so much that goes into recovery of an eating disorder, it is almost impossible to change around everything at the same time and in a short time. First and foremost, you have to focus on your health, and that means getting your body weight to a healthy level. Our brains actually work against us when they are malnourished, so getting to a healthy weight actually will help you quiet those eating disorder thoughts.

    Also, an eating disorder is actually not about food at all. As you probably know, it is about trying to gain control of some aspect in your life because you feel out of control or affected by something else.  You have to start looking and discovering what it is that made you go into this ED, and look at your "triggers,"  for example, my relationship with my father was very difficult and every time he did or said anything that made me sad, I would internalize it and take it out on myself... I also realized I had triggers of stress that caused my ED to be worse.  

   If you can focus on the underlying cause and triggers, the voice in your head and the thoughts about food will slowly creep away. For me they did not go completely away, but I learned to kinda live with them, ignore them when I could, and then over time it became less and less.

   As far as going out and eating, I remember struggling with that, and I promise it gets easier! For the first part on my recovery, if I was going out for a meal, I would A) figure out ahead of time what I need to eat as far as starches, veggies, fats, protein... etc, and guide my choice that way, and B) if there was the option I would try and look at a menu of the restaurant before hand (on-line) and make a choice of what is best before going. But you need to start looking at your food choices not as calories so much but as aspects of a healthy meal, focus on really eating from all food groups and realize every one of them offers such amazing things to your body, hair, nails, teeth, and mind! 

   It is good to get variety in your diet, but if something is good and you want it the second day, you can have it! (don't make it something you eat every day for a week or a month though!) 

   You are asking amazing questions that show you really are ready to beat this thing, I think 4th time is going to  be a charm for you!! I hope this helped and please let me know if you have further questions! 

Stay strong,

Lindsay

Thankyou so much for such good and positive feedback.

See, I have only been focusing on the weight gain aspect-or getting my body back to how its supposed to be- for around a month so far (6 pounds up!). Before that I was only focusing on the triggers and why I turn to anorexia, I know why (mostly) it takes control of my life, but at such a low weight, couldnt change my reactions and compulsions to turn to it. Which is why I am now focusing on weight gain.

My reasons(I believe), is that

1-it is something I am used to. Its a way of life and an addiction-5 years 

2-I also am scared to deal with real life and responsibilities that come with adulthood-i experienced it between 15 and 21-crucial growing up years

3-Its a something to control- I cant control relationships, outside world, everything that goes on around me

4-I use it to deal with anger/sadness/boredom/loneliness 

5-Its safety and security and a friend-mum and dad divorced, sold the family house, my sister and I stopped talking, my mums boyfriend hated me-all in the one year (when i first began dieting)-so everything spiralled.

6-It gets me attention (even though its not good)

7-Im afraid of change-in everything-relationships etcc., even though they are not 100% now

8-I feel out of control without it

So as you can see!-lotsa therapy over last 4 years has made it pretty clear why I go back to this "Thing". Do any of these things sound familiar?

Also, I found that I developed OCD while in recovery, another form of control?-is this the anorexia trying to grab on in another form? And as I gain weight-the ED screams!!! like very loud!!, its all a bit much sometimes!And I go into all or nothing, black and white thinking-low weight cognition doesnt help this either.

Lots of curiosities, just to see if these are normal.

Thanks again, xoxo

Drivenlass, this is the ironic part of this whole thing. I noticed everything you said stems to two things: Control and feeling 'special'. The thing is that we are never more out of control than when we listen to a voice that doesn't exist to anyone but the person who created it. From the outside looking in it doesnt make any sense but, then again, if it did make sense it would be called an 'order' rather than a 'dis-order'. Know that you have more control when you tell the voice NO and do what you want. Picture it as someone giving you permission to do whatever you want... that someone is you. At the end of the day you know your the only one that can really give yourself permission so i would say do it now and get it over with quicker. The other voice shuts up once it knows it is just spinning its wheels, just like the bully in grade school.

Also, we define ourselves as someone with an ED rather than who we really are. There are so many other things you can do that are so much more important/interesting than measuring food and cutting up a stalk of broccoli in smaller portions. It it true that one can never truly eradicate an addiction, on can only replace it with something else that we deem as more important. Try something new this week or look back at something you like to do and go deep into THAT and the freedom with food will follow. Your gonna hear the voice, but you know whats healthy and whats not and you know when you make a little change here and there whether it was because you wanted to or because there was a little inkling in the back of you mind about 'this being too much' or 'this isnt worth the calories since its not TRULY healthy'. when you hear that, just pull a complete 180 and do the 18 no matter what!

Lastly, when it comes to eating out. Its going to be hard and your gonna be a little scared, im not gonna lie. But you know we as a race benefit more from change than comfort. Funnily enough, the thing that illustrated this for me was the movie Wall-E. How the human race waits for earth to be ready for people again and they wait so long that their bones attrophy and they cant even support their own weight anymore. It culminates with the captain saying, say it with me, "I dont want to survive, I want to LIVE!"

Go out and live.... you deserve it.

Clay, I could not have said that better myself if I tried, very insightful!!!

Drivenlass,

     I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in how you feel! I think OCD is a very big part of an eating disorder, and it is not uncommon to have it come out a little more as you try and work on beating your ED. Also, you reasons for beginning your ED and your fears of recovery are also things I felt as well. I know they are hard to overcome, but I promise it is possible! 

   One thing I did in my recovery was divide it up into almost stages. I would set goals for myself (like reaching a certain weight, or eating a "fear" food, etc...) and once I reached these goals, I would do something fun for myself like buy a cute new outfit, get a haircut, go on a trip, get a tattoo, or anything else fun! Focus your sights on awards that are fun/exciting things that do not involve food. It helps you to focus on the real goals of getting over your ED, things other than food! Also, by breaking it up into things it helps to make recovery feel less overwhelming!

    I hope this helps~ also know that it is huge that you can recognize all that you are thinking, so be proud of yourself for being so on top of things!!

~Lindsay

Thankyou both for great words, they are so true. I think one thing that is very important for people who are overcoming an ED is to FULLY acknowledge the anorexia as SEPERATE from the person themselves, and refer to it as something seperate. It helps one gain perspective and healthy control over their lives. Doing this enables me to build on the woman that I am AND more importantly (at my stage of recovery), ignore the other person in there I created that isnt even real-(and why would I listen to something that isnt real or nice?!) Eventually then, to forget about this person and be satisfied with the woman thats there instead.

I will definitly be posting on this forum again with such good ears to listen and understand. I hope we can productively-not just in words support one another.

xxx

Might be an idea to mve it to helath and support forum though? just a suggestion?

Drivenlass, 

    Thank you for your suggestion, I must admit, I came across this site by accident and just decided to post here, I had no idea there was a health and support forum! What I just did was copy and paste my first post and created the exact same group in Health and Wellness, so they are both up now, and if I see we all go to one forum over the other, I will just delete that one... 

   Thank you again and also keep up your strength and positivity, your attitude about recovery and the desire to get over your eating disorder seen in your writing is contagious. It would be hard for anyone reading your posts to not share how you feel and that is an amazing gift to have and shows you have what it takes to beat this eating disorder plus so much more!

~Lindsay

so good to see there is hope id love any support lsegalo you could offer me

im 27 ive had anorexia for 14 yrs and im battling my heart out to recover other than the fact im so sick of this illn ess and want a life my body wont cope with being like this anymore i have osteophrosis but the good news is i can undo some of the damage as new bone can be layed before im 30. im desperate to recover i suffer with exsessive exercise which has done me no favours and ive had to stop this as my l;egs wont hack it anymore . im trying to eat more and not exercise which is bloody hard as you know i was was  a bmi of 11 ive managed to get to a bmi0f 15 so i feel on my way ive been hospitalised several times but they basically have given up on me so other than my theapist im alone . my biggest problem id say at the moment is im eating 2500 to 3000 calories a day but im so hungry its horrible im so scared if i let go and eat what i want i wont be able to stop any advice would be most helpful h xx  ps what did it for you ?

Hi All,

   I want to say sorry for not replying to messages or posts, over this past weekend my best friend was killed in a tragic accident (she did not have an ED.) I am sharing this with you all because I am begging you all, do not let anything, especially your ED, get in the way of telling those close to you how you feel about them. Life is so precious, and you can never predict what is going to happen, but you can cherish each beautiful day and cherish those who have touched your life. 

   I will try and be back here in a short while.

Stay strong,

Lindsay

im so sorry lindsay thinking of you   h xx

Oh Lindsay,

My love goes out to you, truly. So much love to you right now. xoxoxoxox