Recovered Anorexic here to support and help!!

Hi!

   My name is Lindsay. I struggled with Anorexia for many years, having it almost end my life. I was lucky enough to find help and have now been recovered for 8 years. I know the struggles of trying to overcome this horrible thing and I want to help ANYONE out there who needs someone to talk to who understands. Sometimes it is helpful to hear tips and just know that it does get easier with time. Please know I do not judge and am not here to preach to anyone, I just feel that everything happens for a reason and if I can use my experience to help ease someone else's struggle I would like to!  

Take care and stay strong,

Lindsay

First i want to say i am so sorry to hear about your friend

I am new to this site and i came across your advice and posts and found them really inspirational! Thanks so much for giving healthy advice just reading it has helped me. Starting in January I started becoming interested in food nutirion and then i went too far and started constantly restricting. I would only let myself eat certain foods like grapefruit and salad. In April I came home from college and was then hospitalized for a really low heart rate and bmi. In the hospital i started my recovery...i was there for 10 days untill my heart was up and then i started meeting with a nutrionist, doctor and therapist outpatient.

Thinking back to when i was healthy which was before january i was so happy to have my body. i am 5'7 and weighed 125 I didnt think anything was wrong with it and i ate so normally, i never thought of how many calories were in food or anything like that. i wish i could just get back to that but it seems so far away. i recently have started to gain weight every week and i know that i need to but once my doctor says ive gained weight i think that its a bad thing..i cant even explain but its like a constant struggle in my head to stay on the right track. do you think if i keep on my meal plan gaining weight will get easier? or something i accept? this all happened so fast i dont even know how i got here but the more i see my body really skinny the harder it is to think i need to gain another 15 lbs to be healthy...i have to go but any advice/ support would be so helpful..whenever you get a chance and im so sorry again to hear about your friend talk to you soon and thanks again for listening!

Hi!

   Firstly, Tessa1223, Ninafish, and emily2412, thank you very much for your sympathy and kind words. It is a tragedy to lose someone at such a young age, and it really shows how special your life and your loved ones are. If anything positive can come of it, I hope it can show everyone that life is fragile, and I don't know about you, but I would definitely want to spend my last day (if it were to happen) with my friends and family laughing, rather than with my eating disorder (he is soo not worth your time! :)

    Secondly, Emily2412, it makes me smile to know that you have found inspiration on this site, and also that you are working towards recovery! I know how hard of a struggle it is to get back to "normal." I also want you to know that you are not alone in how you feel. It is amazing how fast you can spiral into an eating disorder without really even realizing you are doing it. I just wish recovery could be that easy (but of course, the right things to do are usually the hardest!) I do want to give you hope and let you know that it does get easier if you stick with it. I wish I could tell you that you will go back to how you felt and thought before your ED started, however, that sadly is not the case. Sometimes I hate to say Recovered because I feel that is not a true statement, I don't think there is such thing as "recovered" I believe there are different stages of "recovery" and each stage you get a better handle at ignoring your addiction. I tell you this because I don't want you to beat yourself up when you have "ED" thoughts, I want you to recognize them and learn to deal with them in a healthy manner. If you ignore them enough, pretty soon you barely hear them.  In the beginning of my recovery, I had a hard time looking in the mirror because I would see myself as "fat."  So I began posting quotes of inspiration and pictures of babies (that is explained in another post) onto my mirrors to remind me to stay strong. Also, I would tell myself that what I saw is not what others saw. It is a crazy realization to make, but it is so true. 

    Another crazy thing I have found, that the more my weight got to a "healthy" range, the skinnier I began to feel (it is actually true because when you mind is starved, it actually distorts your thinking, so if you begin to eat and your brain gets what it needs to function properly, your neurons begin to work again the way they should and you begin to think rationally!) I also want you to know I completely understand the fear of being "fat" when the doctor says you are gaining weight. Keep telling yourself that the doctors are not there to make you fat, as hard as it is, you have to trust them and know they are just doing what they need to do in order for you to have a happy, healthy and normal life. Also, one thing that helped me was to begin focusing on the positives of gaining weight, such as my hair getting healthier, my skin looking better (and me not looking like an old woman!), getting my boobs back (sorry guys who are reading this!), getting my period so I can one day have kids (again sorry guys!) and the joy of seeing my family smile and being able to do normal things again like go out to eat and enjoy a conversation at the dinner table rather than be staring at the food and freaking out over what I was going to eat, how I was going to eat it, etc...

    If there is one think I can stress, it is to be completely honest with your doctor, nutritionalist, and therapist. They will not punish you if you slip up, but if you can't admit your fears and thoughts to them, they will overtake you again. Also, it is completely worth it to go through all of this, life is sooo much better without an eating disorder! I promise you, if you stick with it, it will get easier and you will be so much happier. Keep you goals in your mind, and remind yourself daily why you are doing what you are doing and why you never want to go back to that horrible ED place.

I hope this helped (sorry it was a bit late in coming to you). Please post any more questions and/or comments and continue to stay strong, I am not a special case and if I can do it, so can you!

Stay strong,

Lindsay 

thanks for your support , its so helpful to hear from someone who has been  through the same thing. im doing ok with the recovery but im trying to make my mind up whether to go inpatient or do it at home. its difficult as before ive always come home and spent a month feeling bad about leaving and thats set me bk , but im also worried about staying at home and not moving forward , im 27 had this for 14 yrs and need to do it now sorry to go on i know you understand . did you recover at home h x

Second-To me there are two elements of recovery-one is weight gain and two is"normal eating", like being able to go out for meals, eat at different times, eat a variety of foods, not be looking at calories all the time etc... How did you manage the two together?I get frustrated at myself for maybe-being indecisive about what to eat-telling myself-"JUST CHOOSE SOMETHING!!" because its the ED thats making me confused, or I question-should I be have the same thing twice in a row for lunch, or am i being anorexically habitual?

I struggle with the same question. I finally am at the point where I want to just be normal, but when I try, I can't seem to do it because I am too obsessive. I can spend 30 minutes just walking around the kitchen looking at labels just to decide what to eat for lunch. I just want to be normal, but i also have to gain weight. I'm 95 pounds and 5 feet 2.5 inches, im a recovering anorexic, but its so hard. im being anorexically habitual too.

i used to have frequent binges, yes, up to 5000 calories i believe, when i was trying to eat no more than 11-1200 per day.  im past that now, i just want to be able to go out with my friends and pick what i want to eat, not what has the lowest calories. 

Second-To me there are two elements of recovery-one is weight gain and two is"normal eating", like being able to go out for meals, eat at different times, eat a variety of foods, not be looking at calories all the time etc... How did you manage the two together?I get frustrated at myself for maybe-being indecisive about what to eat-telling myself-"JUST CHOOSE SOMETHING!!" because its the ED thats making me confused, or I question-should I be have the same thing twice in a row for lunch, or am i being anorexically habitual?

I struggle with the same question. I finally am at the point where I want to just be normal, but when I try, I can't seem to do it because I am too obsessive. I can spend 30 minutes just walking around the kitchen looking at labels just to decide what to eat for lunch. I just want to be normal, but i also have to gain weight. I'm 95 pounds and 5 feet 2.5 inches, im a recovering anorexic, but its so hard. im being anorexically habitual too.

i used to have frequent binges, yes, up to 5000 calories i believe, when i was trying to eat no more than 11-1200 per day.  im past that now, i just want to be able to go out with my friends and pick what i want to eat, not what has the lowest calories. 

Going out with friends should be about your friends, not the food. I know where i live there are a lot of awesome mom and pop restaurants and their signature dishes arent always the healthiest option. Thats why they put it inside this little restaurant in the middle of nowhere in order to get it. If we did this everyday then it wouldnt me as special. On th flip side, the fact that you are choosing, say, 5 people to share your time with... that makes them special. Focus on them, what they have to say (i guarantee you that whaever hey have to say that day is going to be more entertaining, funnier, more relevant than any 'head voice' that only tells you to hurt yourself.

As for going against said thoughts, what i do is identify why i am makin a choice about food and if the answer is merely to save calories then i throw that notion into the wind cause thats a stupid reason. If i eat poorly for a whole month that is only 30 days out the year. 30/365... thats 335 days of healthy eating to balance it out. Granted, its a bit hard and extreme to think of it like that. But we aveso much time and so much to do... you just have to seize at it. Semper Fi and make today the best one so far. It is a gift from above and the minute we all realize this, obsessing about food becomes the biggest waste of time in the world. Even bigger than the Paris Hilton's: My New BFF... and thats saying something.

I agree and  understand a lot what has been said. I know part of my recovery is pushing socially. That means having cake at a party or going to a buffet which I did recently. Clay has said many key things. I feel yes food is for nurishment but also brings people together. Think of how nice it would be to have a gathering for a holiday and indulge. Also to focus on family and friends.

Sara I can relate to the obsessing. I still worry in my mind but I try to not give in. So when the ed makes me want to only eat "safe" foods I push against that. It does get easier when I see nothing bad happens I guess. I do feel in recovery one has to eat and get to a healthy weight. I tried for many years to recover and not do this. I learned you can't. To be healthy mentally and with life stuff your body needs to be healthy. It is a very hard and long process

Lindsay, I have been trying to recover for almost a year and can relate to all of these posts. I'm still in the thick of it but you inspire me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and the possibility of life after anorexia. Thank you for all of the advice, you are an angel.

Hi Everyone!

    First off, I do want to say... I am really no one special, and if I can beat my ed, there really is no reason in the world that anyone can not do the exact same thing!  

   Tessa1223, I want to let you know that when it comes to recovery, you need to do what will work for you. Try and make it as easy as you can on yourself, this is a hard process and we all need all of the help we can get. For me, I went into an inpatient facility (not a hospital) for 3 months, after that, I worked closely with a nutritionist, therapist, and a psychologist. I also had a doctor check up on me every once in a while. Now I know I had a lot of people on my team, and though it does help a lot, it does not mean that if you do not have that you can not get better, but more what I am saying is you need that support with you. You sound like you are ready to kick this ED, and to be honest, making the decision to get over it is more than half the battle, we are not going to get better unless we realize there is a problem and want to get better! What are your hesitations for going to an inpatient facility? Why do you feel bad for leaving home? What are your fears about staying at home? Lay out all of what is good and bad about each option and hopefully we can work together to find the right option for you.  One thing I do recommend is that you do get in touch with a doctor if you have not already.  As well all know, an eating disorder is not kind on our bodies, and a doctor needs to be part of our care to keep us as healthy as possible. 

    I do want to let you know as well, that even though I did not recover at home, I do know of others who have recovered from home and it is completely doable! All you need to determination, strong will, and strength (and not one person can get into an eating disorder without those qualities so I know you have them and can use them to get out!) 

     Sarahbear24,  Going through my recovery I realized a couple things. One being that recovery is like trying to pile all of your groceries into one bag and carry them up the steps (I add the steps part because it is harder than just carrying a bag!) But what I mean is, you are right, there are many elements to recovery, especially the elements of gaining weight and the elements of "normal eating." I feel like recovery has to be a process of taking one grocery item up the stairs at a time. If you try and tackle all of the elements of recovery at one time, your grocery bag will  tear and your groceries will scatter all over the steps... If we go through recovery and make ourselves eat to gain weight as well as force ourselves to be "normal" right off the bat, we are going to get frustrated that we "can't do it" and the pressure might cause us to give up and relapse.  

      I think in the beginning, first and foremost, we all must focus on gaining weight. Sadly, that is our ticking time-bomb, first get to a point where you are not in the "danger zone" of weight, then you can work on the rest... Once you are past the danger zone, I took baby steps... Not too small so that you never get anything accomplished, but I would not get mad at myself for the little things as long as I was eating all that I needed to each day. If I found myself getting stuck on what to eat, I would take a deep breath, realize what I was doing, not get mad at myself, because heck, I was still eating, and then I would try and figure out why I was so stuck on what to choose. I would work with myself... It takes time to tackle each little aspect of recovery this way, but I found that I was able to slowly reach goals I had for myself, and things began to get a lot easier.

    I also focused on what was causing my thoughts and actions. As we all know, an eating disorder had to do with so much more than food, so I stared really focusing on what was going on in my life when I would get really indecisive about what I would eat, or start getting a little more anxiety than the day before with certain foods. I started to notice my "pit-falls" in recovery circled around stress for me. Knowing things like this helped me to recognize what was happening, and sometimes predict a hard time for myself so that I could make a plan before it happened (like make my meals a day before, or let someone know I may need some support or a little push in certain things at certain times...) 

   Also when being anorexically habitual, I say, if you can recognize it and avoid it DO! But if the choice is to eat one meal that may be habitual vs. not eat or not eat as much, Eat the Meal! I am not saying to eat every meal the exact same every day, but if there was a meal you ate yesterday, that was healthy and a really good source for calorie intake, and you really liked it, go ahead and eat it! Just be conscious of it and make an effort to switch it up a little from time to time. 

    The going out with friends and not focusing on what you are eating can be one of the hardest parts of recovery. It is something that will definitely come with time, and something that you may have to force yourself at first to do, but you will be surprised how much easier it will get. I started with making myself get at least one thing on a menu that sounded really good to me, whether it was the appetizer, meal, or desert. Make yourself fully look at a menu and get the first thing that sounds good, not less calories, but good. (allow yourself to think that you can go crazy with your next meal option but for that one you have to let go) Also, you have to really eat that one food and enjoy it... the other food, do not beat yourself up too much for thinking, but for your one food, you must focus on your friends... It is very hard, and it does take time, but it does get easier each time. Your friend will love you for it too, and that is one of the best feelings, being able to truly get back to spending quality time with your friends and them being able to relax around you as well and not have to worry about your eating... 

   Know you are not alone in how you feel or think, it is completely normal to experience what you are. Just stay on top of all that you are feeling and recognize where it is coming from, which you are doing a great job of doing! Be proud of yourself!!!! (I hope these tips helped!)

  Clay and Abbi, thank you for input, as always, great advice!!!!! 

   Toyzebras,   Thank you very much for your kind words. I hope that your recovery is going well for you, I completely understand how difficult it can be, and I hope you can stay strong. It does get easier from here, I promise you that, and I have no doubt that you can do it! Please post or message me any questions you may have, or feelings you want to share.  

Sorry for the long post and the long time it took me to respond to you all!  Stay strong, and much love!!!

Linds

thanks lindsay, your so helpful and it means so much more hearing it from someone whos been there. i have to stay you are absolutely stunning on your pic. my fear of going ip is before i ve always left as ive found it to hard then when ive got home ive felt ive made the wrong decison , and felt so bad , this worring in itself sets me bk. because of this although my theapist will support me if thats i want she doesent think ip is right for me. but i cant get it out of my head , im so worried about being at home , i have so many habits i just feel i need for help with them, im also scared of staying like this as subconsciously the ed is telling me im ok h x

Hey everyone. I'm 15, and I've been uncomfortable with my body since I was 9 or 10. Starting when I was about 12, I starved myself for a few days, up to a week at a time. After a while I would always go back to eating normally again so no one ever noticed something was wrong, but I would always start not eating again.

I know it's unhealthy, so for a few months now I've been dedicated to losing weight the "right" way; eating healthy and exercising. I've seen some results, but sometimes I'm still tempted to go back to starving myself.

I just wanted to get advice from someone who's been there to see if there's anything I can do to prevent myself from becoming anorexic. I've read enough articles to know that it's not fun. If anyone has any advice for me, please help.

Thanks. :) 

Hi Tessa, 

     In patient treatment is not an easy thing, you basically are leaving every comfort you know and forced to battle your biggest fears head on. On the other hand, being at home can bring too much comfort so that it is harder to fight your ed (sometimes when you are completely out of your normal surroundings, it is easier to force yourself to fight the ed). The decision is completely up to you, but once you decide, you just have to make yourself go in 100%. If you decided to do inpatient, don't let yourself leave, and if you decide to stay at home, utilize every support system you can to keep you strong. What are the reasons your therapist does not feel that in-patient is the right route for you? If you are afraid and have doubts about yourself being able to do it at home, I recommend going inpatient, your #1 priority is getting beating your ed and you need to do that in whatever way you can! From all that you are writing, I can tell you have that desire to beat your ed, recognize that in yourself and know that you can beat this, have confidence in knowing that if you set your mind to it, you can beat your ed inpatient or at your home. 

Hi Veggie_head,

      It takes a lot of strength to recognize a potential risk of developing an eating disorder and working to take actions to stop it. I as well as many others on here can tell you that you do not want to go down that path in any way! Have you tried talking to anyone about these feelings you have (such as your parents or a school counselor?) If you have not, being honest about your feelings with either one of them might allow them to help you figure out what the best options for you are.   I have said this previously, but it is important, feeling insecure about our bodies and worrying about weight and what we eat usually is not about our weight or the food at all. Usually these feelings and even how we see ourselves in the mirror are due to other things in our life that we are upset about (like not feeling good enough for our parents or friends, not getting along with our parents, being stressed with school, friends, family, etc... )                                                                                                      Another thing to look into is a nutritionalist. He or she will be able to help guide healthy food choices and help you to make sense of what the best thing is to do. Being honest with them about your feelings and previous restrictions will also help them to help you. Remember people like that are not going to get mad at you or judge you, you are not alone in how you think or feel and a lot of people have struggled with what you are struggling with. Continue to recognize when you find yourself starting to restrict and stay on top of it. If you have any further questions please feel free to message me or reply back... I hope this helps!

Thank you both for your posts!

Stay Strong,

Lindsay

thanks lyndsey , her reason is ive never managed to stay before when i  get in there i panic and confince myself i can do it at home , i guess as its to bad being in there , when i get home reality sets in and i realise it not as easy as i think .doesent stop me wanting to give it a go again my theapist says its setting me up to fail , i actually feel stronger than ever , perhaps its cause my weight is alot higher bmi of 15 at the mo. im seeing my theapist today , i get on really well with her but because i cant get this out my head its preventing us moving forward , part of me wishes theyd refer me to another unit as this unit is quite easy going , i think i need some one being a bit firm with me at present , but i dont think theyd do this as its the local unit they have to refer me to. whatever i hope i sort this mess out thanks for listening i know you totally understand h x

Thanks a lot Lindsay, it's really good of you to listen to other's problems and try to help like you're doing. I'll look into everything you suggested, especially the nutritionalist. Food always kind of confused me, sometimes I sit there wondering if I choose not to eat something is it because I honestly don't want to eat it or if it's the potential ED talking.

I just want to lose weight, and still be happy and heathy while I'm doing it. Thanks so much for understanding.