Recovering Ana...

I joined this community to read about others in my situation. I had no intention of posting, but here I go.

I am 5'6...fyi...and 17.

I have been struggling with ana for a year and a half. At first, all I wanted to do was lose 5 lbs (went from 134-129). Once I did that though, my weight began to plummet. All I was trying to do was maintain, but then with each pound I would lose, my standard for what "maintaining" was lowered. Along with this, I got diagnosed with ADD, a reading disability, anxiety, and moderate depression. Needless to say it was a bad year and a half.

I went away to bording school this semester and my weight dropped substantially. (I was at 113 and twelve later I was at 107). My parents picked me up and put me on the "modsley method" where they force feed me three-thousand calories a day. It was extremely hard and really strained my realationship with them.

Now I am at 115ish and binge a lot. And when I mean binge, I mean like 6000-7000 calories. I dont purge (never been able to), so I feel literally sick and emotionally a wreck. EVerytime I weigh myself and am 114-113 I go crazy and eat everything because I tell myself I need to put on the weight so that I dont have to go back to being forcefed. I hate ensure and boost and getting plates of food in front of me as if I am a baby.

I just want someone to talk to. Someone to tell me that this is normal...or that it isn't. Also, I feel fat at this current weight. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I feel stuck in my body. I just need someone to talk to. I have made great progress and in some ways, I think binging is a good sign. For the first time in nearly two years brownies have flavor and food causes joy. But afterwards, I feel like death in my stomach and guilty.

thanks...reading your forums ha breally helped.

I am bulemic, trying to get help.  If you go to my profile there is my pst "my not so open confession" lots of people in there willing to help.

I understand what you are going through, because I have gone through some of it. I never binge, because I have severe self control (which is one of the reasons I'm an anorexic). I am going to tell you what you need to try to achieve.

BALANCE.

It's like walking on a curb. Each day is a journey of breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks and whatever else you eat. Each time is a chance for you to make the best choices possible. Sometimes this is difficult, but try to enforce, within yourself some "foodsense".

Step 1: Find your BMR. Multiply that by 1.1 for any day where you've been very lightly active (meaning, as I define it, you were on your feet doing something half the time, and sitting/reading/studying/performing daily activities, the other half. )

Step 2: Get a notebook. Write down everything your going to eat for the day. KNOW what they are made of. KNOW the calories. Knowledge is the key.

Step 3: Everything you eat should come to just under or over your BMR X 1.1 (+ or -5).

Step 4: Weigh yourself at the same time, under the same circumstances, every day. Moniter your weight as a scientist. Do not feel too much about it. The thing we're trying to achieve here is a limited emotional attachment to body weight and food intake.

here are some basic rules to help you make good choices.

-Over four servings of vegetables a day. 8 ounces of protein a day. 3 medium whole fruits a day. 2-3 servings of milk or yogurt a day. 5-6 servings of starch/grain a day. If this is too much for you, subtract from the grain or from the fruit (or from anything if you really need to) If this is too little, add vegetables and protein.

Reserve treats for treat times. Holidays. Birthdays. general celebrations. Cut back when you need to, have them when you want to.

-if you feel like binging, binge on carrots. or broccoli. Everytime you want to eat, go ahead. Pop a carrot, pop some broccoli. Chew on some lettuce. Drink flavored water until you're uncomfortably full. It helps, it helps a lot.

Finally, become human again. If you're tired, rest. If your lively, do something. Read a book. Get engaged in something you like doing. Me, I walk or write comics, and when I can't help but think about food, I write recipes to vent.

This helps me, I hope it helped you.

thousand_clowns,

I can relate to what you're going through.  I used to be so diciplined about eating at the right time and the right food, but now since last summer, I've completely lost it.  I binge everytime I get to.  It's odd because it is fruits and vegetables that gets to me.  Like tonight for dinner, I must have had like 5 cups of brocolli and I'm still bloated and I feel absolutely guilty and depress.  Nothing works.  I've tried eating slower, but am still eating too fast and the whole food journal doesn't work. 

I end up binging until I can't breathe. 

I'm willing to lose half of my life span just to end this torture.

Thousand clowns,

Hey Baby Girl, I'm glad you decided to post.  There's a lot of knowledge on these boards, but mainly I think you will benefit from knowing that you are not alone and that people can understand what you are going through.  It gets better. 

I was ana more than 20 years ago before doctors knew that much about it.  My lowest weight was 69 pounds and I still felt like I needed to lose just a little bit more.  I was hospitalized, but that didn't really do a lot of good, and then the insurance ran out so I was on my own anyway.  I didn't know then just how close I was to having my systems shut down, it might have helped. 

For me it was about control.  Out of all the chaos in my life I could control was was going into my body.   My trigger was a boyfriend telling me that I had fat thighs.  But the real problem wasn't food or even a crappy boyfriend, it was feeling a need for control.  My relationship to food was just how it manifested.  In a way it was an escape. 

I brought my weight up to 95 pounds and stayed there for a long time.  Then one day I ate almost an entire cheese burger and I was on the road to recovery.   

I never would have thought that I would be in a position where I needed to lose weight.  But at least this time I'm doing it in a healthy way. 

You're going to have to stop the binging, but you already know that.  It isn't a good sign because it is too extreme.  You have to find a balance there.  What is a very good sign is that brownies have taste.  I could climb Mount Everest if someone was in front of me holding a brownie.  Food is meant to be enjoyed and to nourish you, but you're making it into work, a task that has to be performed, but not for what it was intended.

For the moment you can't determine what full is so let your plate determine it for you.  Eat whatever you feel like eating but no more than what fits on the plate.  If you still feel like eating after that then drink a bottle of water.   If you still feel like eating after you have the water you can't eat again until an hour has passed.  You can do that.  You have the discipline for that.   You have made a science out of discipline, but you just don't see it yet.

Good luck Baby Girl.  Let me know how you're doing. 

Toni    

tonitrumocha,

I'm glad you posted what you mean to say because I for sure needed to hear that and it makes sense.  I just hope I can follow through it.  I'm new to this.  I've never reach out about my binging to anyone but my family.  It's hard.  My behavior toward food is never going to be the same.  It's so unhealthy and damaged, I don't think I can reverse what I've done to change my peception of something that is suppose to fuel the body. 

But I'll try to eat what only fits the plate and if I want more food, then I'll drink a lot of water. 

Thanks

helpless,

Hello to my other new Baby Girl.  I know it seems really hard right now, but you can do this.  You can change your perception about, food, your body and anything else you choose.  You are stronger than you can imagine right now.  I'm not being all pie in the sky wishful thinking here.  That's just a fact.  I speak from experience.

You might think I don't know the real you.  We haven't had the same experiences, but Honey I was you.  At one point I actually considered food to be poison.  Now how damaged is that?  But my perception changed and yours will too.

You know what I really love?  The fact that you reached out to Thousand Clowns.  You put yourself out there.  That was such an awesome thing to do.  You reached out to me. 

Take a deep breath because I've got some news for you and it might sound a little scary at first.  Soon you're going to reach out to a lot of other girls about your recovery and you'll be encouraging them.  You are going to find what works for you and you're going to tell people about it. 

Kosher was absolutely right about being active and getting your mind on other things.  I have no idea what you look like, but I can see you in my mind's eye and you are dancing and smiling.  (I think I choose dance because I love to watch other people dance.  I'm not too graceful myself, but I appreciate it in others.)  Do what you love.  Keep trying things until you find what you love.

Okay, now here's the part where I kind of yell at you.  What you're going through is incredibly hard, but I'm not willing to give up 37 seconds of your life span!  Not today, tomorrow's not looking so good either.  You have too much to offer.   Okay, spanking over.  (You were smiling just then weren't you?) 

I'll be thinking good thoughts for you Baby Girl.  Let me know how you're doing.  Let me know what you find to pour yourself into. 

Toni    

Can I rant, just for a minute?
You know what, folks? Sometimes I think stupid boyfriends have a lot to answer for. They think the airbrushed girls they see in magazines are real. You might be sitting there, not particularly bothered about anything, when they say something like "hey, your gut is sticking out!". Magazine girls don't have to have that skin, you see, when they stand up and straighten their posture. Nope, they get it airbrushed off.

I've had an ex-boyfriend say something like that, when I wasn't the least bit overweight. Still made me feel very low, though, until I realised the idiocy was all his. I was very annoyed. I dumped him. One of the many good things I did in my life. :-)

I didn't get an ED over it, but what if I'd been at a low time in my life, and depressed over other things? How insensitive can they get? And what gives them the right???

Here endeth the rant.

Dear,

it's great you have found taste & joy in eating again!! I've never lost it :-). I'm 47 and 5.4', 135, and don't feel fat.  I mean...just a little...try to watch it.....Yeah, I'd like to be 120, but when I was I was a lot more unhappy. Thinness does not bring happiness! Strength, physical and emotional, does.

Yes, after what you've been through it's completely normal to have a period of...assestation. Some sound chocolate compensation for your body! Yes ma'am! Chocolate is good, I like it too, had one brownie yesterday evening.

As you worked with your mom, talk with her sincerely about you wanting to have a more balanced approach, because you wat to avoid the extremes of the past and remain slender.

By the way, I think you were slender before too. I asked my son: what do you see in girls first thing? He 's like...hmmm (gesture)...mom..curves.

We ladies need a little....curves.