Recovering from anorexia, help

Hello...

A year ago exactly, I became anorexic. For three or four months I only consumed 500-1200 calories daily. Then I began to binge (I suppose because I would have died if my body didn't do so otherwise). Anyways, I was 128-132lbs then and I have increased my kcals on average I would say to 1800 during the summer, cross country, 2200-2600 for maybe a couple days during a week on and off, and binged a lot during the fall, winter. New Year's resolution was to STOP binging and to become a normal teenager again (I am turning 16 in Feb)

I am roughly 120lbs now (was 118, but after increasing kcals, two binges one after another this weekend on my mom's cookies, I am at like 121 give or take a pound). So basically 16 years old, 5' 11", 120 +/- 1lb. I remember when I was in 8th grade (Before I became obsessed with food and counting calories, worrying about what I eat) I ate what I wanted, when I wanted and didn't care. I would have a cheeseburger and fries at mcdonald's in a heartbeat if my mom offered. Now if she gets McDonalds, I get a grilled chicken salad with low-fat dressing (only 300 calories total opposed to my 800 or so I would eat when I didn't care). I try to model lately how others eat who seem not to care what they look like (like my seven year old brother who is skinny with a pot belly, but all little kids have the pot belly lol)

I just want to be skinny, and eat foods that I like. To offset my binge these past two days, I put myself yet again on a strict diet, where I have pre-counted every macro-nutrient I am to eat until next week, that way I can successfully diet off the excess weight (40/30/30 diet)

I try to hit 1700 when I am "losing what I gained on a binge" and then end up staying there, until I go home on the weekends (I go to boarding school) where it seems I binge on whatever food my mom makes. I just want to be able to eat a donut for breakfast, chicken parm for lunch with a brownie and a burger for dinner like my friends, my little brother and not care whether or not I will be able to see my abs or not! I JUST DON'T WANT TO CARE ANYMORE!

So...I thought I would ask here. I have got mixed reviews about what I need calorically and was wondering, if someone could tell me my calorie needs? I lift weights for an hour 4 days a week and do cardio (like bike) 1 day a week for 30 minutes. I am 5' 11" 122lbs we'll say. How many calories do I need to maintain / not stunt my growth which I am sure I have already done?

Also I have gotten into the habit of, even if I am not hungry, forcing myself to eat something just to make sure I do not go "too low" for calories but realize that is not normal and that is why I HAVE problems with maintaining my weight because I don't allow myself to go under to much which would allow me to overeat other days like everyone does occassionally?

I just need some advice here, desperately. I am seriously considering calling my mother up and asking her to check me into a facility but then I feel like I don't deserve that because I am not technically still anorexic by starving myself, I am just torturing myself and obsessing about food 24/7.

Advice PLEASE :'(

your  very much underweight, and i know this might be hard to handle, but you should GAIN weight. while there are ways to gain back weight and remain skinny, its rather impossible to do so and not gain a little fat. IM currently gaining weight back from a ordeal ( while not anorexia, it was defienently OCD eating and disorder) basically you are afraid of gaining weight from a binge? I know exactly how you feel.. you dont want to eat without counting every calorie, and then feeling guility about eating it? Well calorie counting itself is dangerous at your weight, its setting your self up for binging, as you said binging is your bodys way of consuming massive calories to surivive.

I dont know what you should do, however im possitive you should talk to someone professional, and dont let this dang Ed beat you.

i lost alot of weight last year, and went over board, soon enough i was down to 107 pounds ( im 5 5" , should be 123 -24 with my bone frame, im now 112- 113) i remeber packing half  a lettuce sandwhich for lunch and having a large binged breakfast, then exerisizing compulsivly, after each meal... I had to force myself to stop counting calories, simply by saying " no" to that little voice inside you, and soon enough i dont need to count calories. Yes i still count calories, but it doesnt consume me as much anymore, i still havnt completely destoryed my demons yet, but ill win one of these days.

But i know i dont suffer from what you did, however i know how much it sucks and to worry about something as stupid as food, especially me being a guy. So please, to beat this awful cycle, you have to beat the voice in your head, prove to it that your will power is stronger than it's, prove that you can eat what you want, you will see that you wont gain anyweight, and that its all your head.

ALSO YOUr calorie intake should be at least 3000+ calories, this is the time in your life where you shouldnt screw up growth, that WAS my reason for eating normally agian.

rice.. i am on the exact sae boat as you..

restricted for a year and got down to 97 at 5'7, and now I'm 113, and even though my bmi ad others say i nee to gain, i DO NOT want to.. I still think I'm kinda fat.. Not as much as before, but I really want to be at the most 110. Its hard, cause I binge as well. I'll be good and exercize, but then i step in the kitchen and BANG. anything. even things I actually dislike the taste of.

I (like you) just want to live again! And stop caring about food, and actually being able to take anythng to do with it off my mind, even for an hour of not even thinking about it, I'd love.

I guess I can't really help, Just wanted you to know I'm with you.

well think about it this way, this got me to gain weight.

when you gain your muscle and weight back, you will be able to eat more and not gain weight, you will over all be healthier and faster. Your brain doesnt care about its body fat, all it wants is to surivive. I had to overeat and force my self over christmas break to break the plataeu. it was hard, but i did it, and guess what happpened? Nothing.. i didnt blow up like a blimp, and i feel better over all. one thing im happy for is that i dont hurt my spine when i lie down, thank god for weight gain.

Yes I'm trying to recover from anorexia also yet I have alot of things that seem to be holding me back.. for example the fact of gaining weight and not being able to stop gaining. but it takes me like two hours to eat my dinner. yet mostly consists of vegetables. but i think im starting to have side effects...like my ankles swell and i dont know what that means?? yet i still go out and drink alcohol cuz im a college student and i was wondering how bad that is for me..and whether beer or liquor with diet pop is better??

I feel exactly the same way......
Last year what started out as a simple diet turned into more than that. I lost 22 pounds and went from 123 to 101.2 (I'm 5'2) I haven't gotten my period in a year (not that Im complaining...) But its just so hard to stop obsessively counting calories and binging. I always try to preplan what I eat before hand so I won't binge but that never ends up working out. I try to eat so healthfully, so I won't feel guilty but I just end up feeling guilty anyway by binging (sometimes I don't even want or crave whatever I binge... I just have it because its there in front of me!!) On top of that my mom weighs me every week to see if I have lost or gained any weight, and if I lose weight I won't be able to run track for school, so there's pressure there too! I definetly do identify with the fact of just wanting to be relaxed and not structure myself so much, and I want to be in control too.

At least I'm not the only one. I haven't gotten my period for over a year either and my doctor's are like you need to gain weight to see if the fact you're not getting your period is because you're took thin or if there's some serious problem. I know I don't have a serious problem but I'm 5'4, small frame and my doctors want me at 108-110. I'm ust worried once I get there I'll just keep gaining weight. And I went to LA Fitness today to work out and I got mad that it said 104 when I weighed myself on my way out and the scale said I was 103.4 when I was halfway through my workout. I mean that can't be a normal reaction. Then my mom pointed out that I was wearing my sweatshirt so yeah the scale's going to say I'm heavier but I wish I could go back to the days when I ate 100 calorie slice breads with regular cheese and ate some completely fattening meal without caring. Well I always cared but my tastebuds got to the better part of my brain and just said screw it, you like those 18g of fat macaronie and cheese frozen dinners, eat it. Now it's like I wouldn't go near it when I need it the most.

flowurpowur - i am the same. same height and everything and i am having tests at the moment for secondary amenhorea (periods not starting, even though ive had one or two a year ago)
i think i know deep down that i should put on a few pounds for them to re-start but they are doing tests anyway.

Im just having the hardest time adjusting to the fact that i need to eat more. I just wanna stay how i am... i dont want to weigh more coz even though i know im not fat i have an huge fear of becoming fat and by putting on a few pounds will just make me so unhappy. i am gonna do it because i now have a reason to - i want my periods to start. i am eating slightly more at the moment but i just dont like it. i want to get over this stupid obsession.

any advice would be greatly appreciated???

well the first few days are hard to adjust, you have to simply push through the feeling and doubt. AFter a while you stop noticing calories, and stop being obesive about your body( at least to the point of sanity). I went from 106.4 to nearly 113.2 with little  fat gain. sure i noticed a TINY bit of flab, the doctor said the fat went into restoring and fixing my muscles and structure.

for the MOST part my gain has seen a huge increase in strength, speed and agility. You have to see for your self, you will find that things are greener on the other side.

I guess the entire eating thing got so ridiculous to the point where i screwed it. I knew i was happier when i didnt count calories, or at least as much...Atm i am NOT fully recovered, all i Do count is lunch and breakfast ( im supposed to eat at least 900 calories before mid-day snack). and i screw the rest of the day.. i mean how the heck can you even count dinner anyway?!?!

THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN GET YOUR METABOLISM BACK IS!!: to literally shock your body back to normal, yes for the first few days you might run risk of body fat gain... but after a week or so.. you wont, i swear it. Now that i look back at it... no one thought i was fat to begin with, it WAS ALL IN MY HEAD....

Agian, i wouldnt call what i had anorexia, i would defiently call it over compulsive. i mean i would still eat enough calories to live ( roughly 2400 each day) .... but... i would over exersize , and i still have issues with over exersizing. So i would slowly lose weight, slowly killing myself.

Im just having the hardest time adjusting to the fact that i need to eat more. I just wanna stay how i am... i dont want to weigh more coz even though i know im not fat i have an huge fear of becoming fat and by putting on a few pounds will just make me so unhappy. i am gonna do it because i now have a reason to - i want my periods to start. i am eating slightly more at the moment but i just dont like it. i want to get over this stupid obsession.

Me too. I like how my body is now but my doctors are always saying you need to gain weight but I just don't like having a gut and fat thighs. I like it when my stomach is flat and such. I've gained like almost two pounds and I can already tell I'm getting fatter and I don't like it.

i had to tell myself this:

"hey listen, your miserable the way you are now.. why should it be any different if i weigh 10 pounds less or 10 pounds more... dangit, i dont care anymore.. i NEED to gain weight."

that gave me the courage to just do it, a matter of fact i just drank a nice tall glass of whole milk.

you will find that once u start gaining weight, you wont see a instant fat gut, or Fat theighs, or anything like that. in fact the entire thing is in your head, just tell yourself that.. remeber all that perfection means is that your body is healthy and functioning well and is fit. Thin has nothing to do with it, besides a TINY bit of BOdy fat is needed.

Hello,

I am a 20 year old, recovering anorexic. I have had the disease for about a year and a half, and I am currently going through therapy. I created an account on this website JUST so I could respond to your email, because I feel I NEED to help you in any way I can! I know EXACTLY what you are going through.

Whether you are seeing a therapist or not (and you SHOULD- I was very skeptical at first and I didn't want to see or talk to anyone, I just did it so my family would lay off a bit with stuffing food down my throat, yelling at me, getting upset constantly, etc. I found one that was covered under my insurance- which means you pay nothing except for a co-pay, which is usually under $20 per visit- by calling my insurance company and getting names), I have a solution that will save your life: see a nutritionist!

I counted calories every day for almost a year, and like you, I let myself have no more than 1200 calories per day at the absolute maximum, with the average being somewhere around 700-800 and the lowest days around 500. And even when I started seeing a therapist, I didn't stop counting- I was really religious about it. My therapist reccommended I see a nutritionist NOT so that I would have an eating plan that would make me gain any weight, but so that someone else would be watching what I ate so I could remain at a stable weight and not be counting calories in everything that went into my mouth.

I startd her plan, and I feel A MILLION times better. I stopped counting the day I first saw her, because I explained that if I gained any weight I would freak out and start restricting my diet. She put me on a plan and gave me lots of good tips on how to remain at a stable weight. I eat delicious meals, all very, very healthy and satisfying. So satisfying, in fact, that I don't even have the desire to binge on cookies, ice cream, chocolate- all the foods I normally binged on when I was really sick- except for very rarely.

She even does weigh-ins for me so I don't have to obsessivly weight myself.

Because money is sometimes tight in my family, I found my nutritionist the same way I found my therapist: through calling my insurance company and getting names of nutritionists (who specialize in eating disorders) who were covered under my plan, and this way I don't get any bills. I just need to pay a co-pay of $20 per appointment.

I just wanted you to know that there is someone else out there (and lots others) who know your pain exactly. You might not need to go to a rehab facility, but I know that you feel crazy and out of control. Please, try this first. I still cannot believe the difference it made in my life.

I wish you THE BEST of luck.

Hi,

I so understand your obsession with food.  I have gone from a  normal weight to 98 pounds to 275 pounds.  I have lost over 130 pounds in the past year and am working to maintain my weight.  After a lifetime of dieting, I made a committment the last time for a lifestyle change and not a diet.  I think it is fabulous that you eat healthy foods.  Please don't feel like you have to pick BAD food choices.  Getting in the habit of eating right young is a smart habit and one that will do your body well.  Some things I have learned that you probably already know, but if not they might be helpful:  I eat fish a lot.  Not only is it good for you, it will calm your yearnings for sugary foods.  I eat every 2-to-3 hours so I don't get hungry and feel like I need to binge.  I always try to include a bit of protein when I eat, i.e., yougurt, cheese, soy crackers from Quaker, etc.  I always eat a lean protein before I lift weights.  Doing so will prevent you from losing muscle mass and having muscle is good for one's overall health.  I drink plenty of water or crystal light.  The fluid is good for hydration while working out and is generally good for one's body.  Developing healthy eating habits will be a good habit to carry through your life.  You won't have to worry about diabetes and heart problems, just to name a few.  Another thing I just read is that once you do something for 4 days straight your mind perceives that as something you need to do daily.  Just 4 days of  not doing what you perceive as a bad habit will put you on the right path.   I hope you will continue to keep your calories up to a level which is not starvation for you and that you will make your calories healthy and do your body good.  Best of luck to you. 

Hello ladies,
I see that a lot of you are suffering from the same problem as me.
I'm getting over it more or less, but I see that many of you have the same problem as I had to face myself, thus I thought that I'd share some of my experiences with you.
I don't intent to sound like a wise-ass, but one of the biggest mistakes we make, is counting consumed calories.
I know that it's easy to say "just eat it and don't count them". My first suggestion would be to try not to measure your weight (daily) and not to count calories. Of course, I realise that eating habbits won't change, however, before you can organise your eating schedule, you should be ready for it mentally, otherwise all the effort you're making will go to waste.
The fact is that I used to believe that eating would make me grow fat again, thus I started hungering (it was the deepest point of my illness). I hungered for 3 weeks till it really got to me. I've almost lost my eye-sight and ended up with a stomach ulcer and other unpleasant things. It is very important to provide nutrition to your body, even if you refuse to eat meat. Generally, food isn't something which makes you gain weight, but in the first place it's a source of energy. Of course, you should be careful with what you eat if you want to stay in shape. Trust me, if you get your body into starvation mode, you won't lose any weight and every ounce of food will be stored as 'fat'. Moreover, I've seen that some of you stopped having their period. Ladies, it's very dangerous! The point is that your bodies need fatty acids in order to produce hormones. I assume that most of you eat low-fat food. You won't gain 'weight' from consuming a bit of fat every day (something like a tsp of red caviar for instance). Another thing which is also very important is to eat products which contain vitamin B5, since this vitamin helps to 'convert' crabs, fats and proteins into valuable energy. Those who have problems to sweat, have got distorted metabolism. It's a sign that your metabolism doesn't function right. This all is also due to lack of right hormones. 4 weeks after I had started 'eating', I noticed first drops of sweat on my skin during work-outs. Another thing which I wanted to mention is that your nervous system and your hormones are closely connected.
Have you ever noticed that you're agressive or have a lot of moodswings?
That was my part to the food-problem. I'm not trying to make up a menu for you, but I want you to realise that there are more problems about anorexic state, than just the fear of gaining weight.
The psychological problem is however much deeper. It's not only the fear that we have when we eat something. It's also the fact that we hate ourselves and don't accept our bodies the way they are. Why? Not everything revolves around mere physical appearance. I tend to believe that everyone of us has a 'golden norm', physical state which satisfies both, the eye and the inner world. There is no need to be hella skinny to be attractive. Every one of us is unique. Just try to learn to accept your bodies, to love them and in the first place, love yourself, for noone will love you as long as you don't start doing so (metaphorically speaking).
It's not your bodies people are after, it's your personalities! It's our inner beauty which makes us more handsome, our appeal. And if someone's hanging around with you just because you're skinny, then there is no point in having anything to do with this person. In the first place people should accept you for who you are and not what you look like. But as a matter of fact, work on your self-image. Don't let anyone or anything bring you down.
Have you heard of those skinny models dropping dead? I'm sure you have and I'm more than sure that you don't want to end up like that one day. This game is called 'life', not an anotomy lesson. :-)

Thank you all for reading.
I wish you good luck for I know how difficult it is and there is still a long way for me to go till I'm fully recovered, but I tend to believe that I've realised that none of us has deserved such a fate. Don't punish your bodies. You have only one in this life :)

P.S.: I just hope that you at least think about my words. I'm not expecting anything.

its nice to know that other people actually understand what im talking about. i do not suffer from anorexia but i do have some sort of problem and control issue. I just feel like i lose control of myself ... and my emotions when i eat more than my preffered amount.
I do actually eat quite well, because i dont want to worry my parents but its just what goes on inside my head that bothers me. I know i dont have anorexa because my cousin is just recovering and she had it BAD so i know im fine. i just wish i could go back to how i used to be - carefee.

So how many calories should I eat to gain weight then?

wow!  I can't begin to explain how it feels to be reading everyone's thoughts on calorie counting and weight and thinking how we all share the same 'tug and pull' of wanting to be able to eat and really enjoy a meal for a change, to not always have an up-to-the-minute daily calorie count tallied in our heads... I weigh myself at least once a day.  Some mornings I feel so nice and thin and happy then I step on the scale and if it shows that I gained a pound (or a 1/2) all of a sudden I feel totally different, I feel fat and sloppy and my entire mood changes. It ruins the entire day... yet I can't stop myself from using the scale... I am 5'4" and stay in the range of 107-111 lbs.  I was up to 113 lbs arounf Christmas and was told how much better my face looked but I felt so fat that I did not want to remain at that weight.  I wish that my face could look less tired when I was at 107...  I am not young like all of you are... I have been dieting since I was 13 yrs old.  I used to tell people that I was fat when I was younger but not to long ago someone asked me to show them a photo of me when I was fat and I discovered that there weren't any... that I never was fat, that it was all in my head.  I have a twin sister and people would refer to her as the skinny twin and me as the fat twin... that was when we were only 5 or 6 years old and I was just normally roundish looking and she was more wirey... but the damage to my self image was done and no matter how I try to admit that I was wrong about myself and how I look I can't stop feeling like a fat person.  When I was in 6th grade the gym teacher weighed the entire class and called out the weights out lound... I was the very heaviest, 109lbs.  So I guess I was a bit chunky then but to this day I strive to be under that horrible number. My heart goes out to all of you.  I know how hard it is to work at being thin and wanting to just relax and enjoy a meal without guilt.  I never binge, I just starve... I don't ever skip a meal, just eat very, very little and never, ever eat between meals...I do lift weights and am in good shape and have a lot of energy but it sure would be nice not to always be thinking of my weight...

I'm not going to say I'm a recovering anorexic, but I am recovering from ednos (eating disorder not otherwise specified) because I haven't missed my period 3 times in a row (this time around).

I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 103.  Hmm... I'm 5'7"... I'm definitely not trying to lose a lot of weight.  This isn't a pro-ana forum, this is pro-health, pro-living, pro-happiness!  I'm not sure how to go about maintaining without binging though... I'm afraid of gaining weight.

I'll keep counting calories and try to get more calcium and protein in every day.   That's my mini goal.  Mini goals are good.

I binged last night during the superbowl party but I think I know why =(

Looking back at it, I was at 1700-1800 calories with barely any fat (probably only like 20g).

Anyways I THOUGHT there were only 45-50 calories in chicken wings, well there is, only in roasted no skin or anything. But I ate about 8-10 fried ones and didn't know there was a 100 in each one! Then before I counted my calories, I got a sweet tooth and ate an entire bag of dark chocolate truffles (a whopping 96g carbs and 80g fat tallied out to be) I ended last night, miserable, crying, with 3,800 calories, 1800 over my maintenance. So lucky me, I have to eat 1700 for the next week and make sure to exercise every day for 200-300 calories worth. I am having a peanut butter sandwhich at lunch everyday though (using measurer so I dont put too much pb on) that way my fat intake is reasonable and I won't actually NEED to binge

I just want to go home though and have a set diet.

In my eyes a good diet for me would be:

Breakfast:
Oatmeal and Skim milk

Snack:
Fruit

Lunch:
Peanutbutter sandwhich on whole wheat
Small fat free yogurt

Snack:
100-calorie pack of cookies
Fruit

Dinner:
2 cups salad
1 chicken breast with slice of cheese melted on

Dessert:
Bowl of Special K cereal and skim milk

That would satisfy my sweet tooth that I have and I think be very healthy. Hoooowever, no, I can't do that when I live at school and my diet is up to the damn cafeteria.

heh that doesnt sound like its very healthy ricce , you should probably double that amount...

i still have issues with calorie counting, but i make sure i eat enough as well.

and for yesterday, i made sure i ate dinner and alot before the party, for me, the superbowl party was just my dinner, i ate normally and nothing happened. After you eat alot test your self and see if you are truly hungry, that helped me aviod party binges.

anyway, like i said rice, if you start eating only like 1800 calories, then burn off 300 or what ever, you will go into starvation mode, which will make you muscles even flabbier and decomposed. 

I WILL NOT help you stay skinny and unhealthy!!!! i will not help you get sick... only thing i can offer is that you see someone and quick, you need to restore your body to normal, if your 16 like me and taller than i, chances are you need more calories than i do. IF 1800 calories is too little for me, then its too little for you.

Okay, this is kind of a big step for me, because I suppose I'm finally admiting im anorexic too. Im nearly 5'11 and weigh about 52kg... 114 lbs?

which is too little according to the bmi charts.

But its more of a self-confidence issue with me. I hate the way I look, not just the fat, but overall. My theory was at the begining, il lose a bit of weight, see how i feel/look, etc, and take it from there. But its so difficult to stop. Im now terrified of putting on weight, so much so il lie to the dietician about what i eat and shes trying to help me. Typically i eat between 600-900 cal a day, usually about 700, and burn off 100...

Its really bringing me down and Im suffering, but I have no real targets, even now im trying to GAIN weight. and I can't. Im still loosing because i feel so guilty after i eat anything with more than about 100 cal for a snack.

Im addicted to finding new ways of making my body feel fuller, i.e. lots of water etc.

I wish I could eat what I wanted. I wish I didnt calorie count. I wish I'd never even heard of them. I love tins from foreign countries without them because i can ignore them, but in reality i generally estimate the calories anyway.

Well thats all I wanted to say, but any help would be appriciated...any targets you can think of for me?

xx