Recovering from ED and depressed

Hello everyone. I am currently recovering from anorexia and OCD. I have been very upset with the weight gain I experienced during this healing process. I'm a 15 year old female at 5'3 feet, and used to weigh 87 pounds. I now weigh around 105 pounds. I built muscle and though I do realize that muscle weighs more than fat, I wish I could have my skinny body back. I keep having these thoughts about going back and starving myself or exercising like mad and I know thats not the way to lose weight the right way.

I exercise everyday by running 3 miles and doing upper body workouts for 20 minutes or so. I eat fairly healthy but I have been doing some major binging lately (emotionally linked). I feel that the binging put the weight on fastest and I want that to stop and would like to see my weight go from 105 to around 95-ish pounds.

I am currently seeing a counselor to help cope with my issues and it has been working okay- I still am not convinced that I look thin or modelesque and want to lose some weight. I wish I could see what people on the outside see as me.

Hi illusionist93,

I'm a former bulimic with tendencies towards anorexia and I understand exactly how you feel. Keep in mind that you're 15 years old and your body is still growing!! You Need some extra meat on your bones so that you can get taller and so that your body can fill out where it's supposed to. I know how hard that sounds, especially if you're as compulsive as I am, but you need a little meat on your bones to make it to twenty :)

Watch the binging, don't let it lead to something else. Bulimia is an awful path to walk down, and the self-hatred is just intensified by it, I think. That, and it leads to other awful health problems.

Keep eating, and rely on your family for support. Mine's been amazing.

I am proud of you for seeking recovery which is a hard thing to do...ppl with eating disorder backgrounds usually have a distorted view about thier bodies for a lifetime...not everyone, but most do and it something hopefully you will learn in therapy to adjust the negative thinking into positive thinking patterns.  Try and get your mind of your appearance and wt and do something that you enjoy doing like art, reading, hanging out at the mall with friends etc...

Do you think your binging is related to a tramatic event in your life...food is assocaited with siutaions and binging can lead to purging with is an awful cycle to get into and out of...you should talk to your therapist about all your concerns you posted here they may help you more than I can

you know what you're going to hear:

you don't need to lose weight, you're healthy and you are thin... 95lbs is just a couple more than your lowest and you WILL be put back into recovery, do you want that? well, you shouldn't...

you are 15 and a growing teenager, starving yourself now will only cause a lot of problems in the future, both physical and mental.

I have very similar stats to you, and in no way do I think I am 'fat'.. sure I am more filled out, than at my lowest (87lbs) but I think I look 100x better, I actually look like a woman now, and I can't go anywhere these days without guys whistling or making cat calls at me.. flattering? yes. annoying? yes... haha but it's nice to know I am attractive.

seriously I think you are making a big mistake if you try to lose 10lbs... try focusing on maintaining and toning.

also you are overexcersizing and probably not eating enough for the excersize you do, so thusfore makes you binge.

what you need to do is get your priorities straight.. weighing 95lbs will in no way make you happier, attractive, or a better person. In fact it will probably make you more miserable and depressed if anything, since you will have to starve to maintain such a weight, and not being able to eat and have fun with your friends will make you feel terrible, you'll lose your social life, and basically everything that is important to you will diminish because being (X)lbs will consume you... trust me, i've been there.

and btw I find this post almost offensive because I have basically the same stats as you, actually higher, and nobody, NOBODY thinks that I am fat at all.

please get a counselor and figure out what really bothers you... because it's not your weight.

Holy crap.

You want to know something amazing?

I'm 34. I was (am? do we ever really recover to the finite point?) bulimic from age 14 until just a few years ago.

Your post was the FIRST time I've ever, ever, EVER considered what a different person I could be PHYSICALLY had I not begun to destroy myself at the tender age of 14. I have been over a million other things in my mind, but not once have I ever thought about how much taller, or stronger, or internally healthier or whatever I COULD have been without my eating disorder.

Just wow.

Please. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease stop thinking about weight LOSS during your initial recovery period. This is not the time to even be entertaining thoughts like that.  Working out is fine and a great way to destress and keep healthy, but you can't dwell on losing when you've only just emerged from losing as a way of life.  Like others have said, you know deep inside that you have no weight to lose. The illusions we build, the things we don't see that others on the "outside" do...that is mental and emotional weight. THAT is what needs to be shed.

For now, focus on being kinder to your body. Remember that yes, my dear, perhaps you're only 15 now--but you have a future out there. A life that is waiting for you. A someone you are going to be. And trust me on this--take it from someone that just spent 10 minutes weeping and mourning for the person she could have been had she not let that emotional weight control her at your age....

...that person waiting for you? She's effing awesome. And she'd very much like it if you stopped worrying about being thinner and started loving yourself enough to let her arrive. Because if you don't, you will never meet her....and whoa, what a damn shame that would be!!!

Thank you all so much for your honest input. I am trying to keep my mind off of weight loss and am focused on embracing my new body and how much stronger I have become. This is a tough situation to go through and I know life will not be the same afterwards, but, its always encouraging to know there is more support out there and to know that I am not the only one suffering from this problem.

The binging has basically been from deprivation, undereating, and overexercising. I hate that moment when I lose all control. I am starting over again today from a binge episode yesterday. I tell myself each day is a new dau, and not to beat myself up over it. Just move along!

I am so willing to take some more advice- bring it on! :)

honestly the best thing for me when i was recovering was to get away from site like this. you are not doing yourself a favor by staying here. seriously. good luck hun!

Just wanted you to know that I am going to say a prayer that you are able to fully recover and maintain well.  I believe that it's not something that can be done alon.  I hope that you will not only seek good health in body and mind, but also in spirit.  From my experience in the 30 years I have been around.  All three are necessary, with spirit being the most impotant.  Look around and notice how everything in nature works so systematically and see that the human body is no less intricate.  I hope that your mind gives your heart dominion over all of your decisions and that you give your creator dominion over all things, especially your heart.  Everything is a choice.. PEACE.

CT

Original Post by funkymonkee829:

honestly the best thing for me when i was recovering was to get away from site like this. you are not doing yourself a favor by staying here. seriously. good luck hun!

 I tend to agree.  Some people can seem to recover and still use this site for the support.  But I've found that others just can't do it.  Weight loss sites can be triggering for some people.