Recovering..but still like the anorexic body...:(

Hey, guys... I'm very much almost 100% recovery from exercise bulimic. But I have been gaining from 107 pounds to 113 pounds and it wouldn't go down. I binge sometimes but I have been trying to control it. But even though, I know how much I suffer from ED, I still prefer my body at 100 pounds...and I kinda want to get back to that. My nutritionist doesn't want me to count any calories and I try to avoid that myself. I found myself binge because I'm afraid and fear of the feeling "hunger" ...like when I get during my ED symptom. here is the questions...

1.) Anyone had this problem? --> eating just because you afraid of the feeling hungry?

if so...how to stop this feeling to end binge?

2.) Should I count calories again to drop to 106 pounds (that was my original weight before I come to America)??

Thank you!

I don't know about your 1s question, but for your second, I don't know if this is good advice, but I would say find a weight that you are happy (most importantly HEALTHY) at, and find one that you can naturally stay at. That is, a weight that doesn't require constant stress to stay at, because your body doesn't want to be there which in my un-expert opinion means it's NOT a healthy weight for you. What is your height? 106 is probably too small for you, especially if you were suffering from exercise bulimia I would think you would have a good deal of muscle, which weighs more. 113 is still most likely too tiny! Most people don't think so when they are at the weight (especially with an ED) but I would bet you look better at 113 than you look at 100 or 106. Just be healthy, that is most important. 

Good luck girl!

-Julie

If your nutritionist, aka the person who is actually helping you out in this situation and knows you personally, tells you that you shouldn't count calories, it would be VERY irresponsible for anyone on a website who DOESN'T know you to tell you differently.

Listen to your nutritionist. She/he is there to help you get better. Don't count calories.

You're not fully recovered until you can look at yourself at your new healthy weight and be 100% happy with it.   Do listen to your nutritionist and don't count calories or try to lose weight.  If you're hungry, eat.... that's what normal people do.  Not because they're frightened of being hungry but because it's a cue that they need food.

Don't count calories. Listen to your nutritionist and tell her what you are thinking and feeling because it sounds like you need more help than just what you are getting with eating. You're expressing a desire to relapse and wanting to lose "those few pounds" is usually what can trigger them.

Don't try to find excuses to go around a professional's advice on a website. CC is not made up of health professionals, which is what your nutritionist is. So listen to her. Don't aim to drop weight. Don't count.

thank you for the reply. Every time I want to see my nutritionist, I discover more about myself and how to fix each problem. I have to fix one thing at the time. I'm happy with most of the time but it's almost thanksgiving and christmas times and foods and cookies....it's very overwhelming. I stepped on the scale for the first time a few months ago and a bit shocked with the number of how much I gained. My swimming season start this week and it's very scary for me because when I'm in my swimming suit....I have the idea of wanting to diet again. When I swim hard and tired and do cores....I'm happy because I feel like I got to burn some calories (even though I don't know how much). It's weird and scary at the same time. Still.I have to learn to live with it, right??

...everyday is a challenge....this is very true. thank you so much for all the advice!

^_^

Imy

"very much almost 100%" is not completely recovered.  Which is not to say that any of us are angels, but since you have had a past history it is very important not to repeat the patterns that got you there the last time.

It is normal to eat treats on special occasions like Christmas and Thanksgiving.  One of the ways in which people celebrate is with food homemade or store bought, sharing their favorites with their favorite people.  If you feel like having a cookie or a pie or cake or mashed potatoes during these times, then definitely indulge.  Special occasions will not cause you to gain weight or get fat.  You gain weight when over a period of time you continually eat more than you burn.

Binging is often a sign that you are not eating enough the rest of the time.  Talk to your nutritionist about what additional foods that you might want to add to your plan.  Especially when you are swimming, you are expending a lot of energy and it is important to eat enough.

I eat a lot in general. (I mean, as much as normal people would eat and I'm in a boarding school so the serving size from the lunch lady is very satisfied). But as I mention, I'm afraid of being hungry. I would choose to eat protein like pork or something heavy even though it tastes really bad....I did it just because I have something in my head saying that protein will be me full and not hungry. But in the end, when I start binge, I would eat the food that I actually want in the beginning. It doesn't happen all the time, when when it does, it's really bother me. Because I'm NOT going to make myself throw up or exercise out, EVER!......and yeah...this is me right now.

I'm staying with a host family and they thought I'm very tiny (well, Asian frame is already small so they though I'm too skinny which according to my BMI of 21..they are wrong). The host family are quite big and they eat a lot of beef which I refused to. They eat a or of butter and they if I don't eat a lot, it may seems rude to them.

Should I say no to the hugh amount of food they offer....or just eat whatever they cook?  (sorry if I have too many question)

Thank you

Do you have a valid reason not to eat beef or butter? Religious? Dietary (eg intolerance) issue? If not, then yes, I'd view it as rude.

Beware portion distortion. What you might think is a lot can be a lot of low calorie, high density food. What you might think is "huge" could be a normal serving. Just as bad as it is to have TOO much on our plates and double servings like has been charted in recent years in restaurants and such, it is also VERY easy to underestimate the calories of what you're consuming.

I can't eat beef due to religious reason. But for butter, I'm just not used to it. We don't just randomly eat butter in Thailand, it's not a part of our food. You can have butter ad can find it anywhere in Thailand, but at dinner, we eat rice with different dishes, such as stir-fry veggies, fish, chicken, pork etc. Still, beef is very rare and we don't have bread in the house. If we want some bread, we will go and but some in a store that would sell different bread and we will buy only a slice or too just as we want to eat at the time. We use oil instead but still, it's not like we deep fired everything. We have a of international food and I get to eat American food Mediteranian food, best cookie and cakes, Japanese food, Chinese food etc. anytime I want almost anywhere in Bangkok, Thailand. 

It's just we did walk/shopping a lot like you live in New York because a lot of traffic. I have to be careful about my portion all the time too. I tried to OVER estimate everything but I guess a lot of AMerican food are already sweeten. And I don't know how the cafeteria at school cook the food, so ...maybe...I underestimate some of them (uhm, I have never really think about it before)   Thank you anyway!!

If it is a part of your religion, then simply address this to your host family. They will likely understand. Butter? Bread? Food you're not used to? Learn to like it, I suppose. You may not have had it so readily around in Thailand but you are in a different culture right now, and that means some adaptation on your part.

If you overestimate everything you end up not getting enough calories because you end up adding more calories to your total even though you're not eating them. I think you need to learn some visual ideas of portion sizes:

Object comparisons to portion size, taken from:
Keeping an Eye on Portion Sizes
Portioning using your hands

These are just a few guides. There are more on the internet and I am sure you could ask for some from your nutritionist too.

thanks! lalabanana!! I like bread in general and all. Only the butter part that I have to handle a bit. When I eat them, I get the sense of smelling and taste of something fishy (not like...fish - fishy, but animal-like fishy and all the weird smell)...it similar to when you never have fish or schrimp for sooo long and you start having them, you will get the smelling of it. I'm trying to learn to like it when I have a hard time swallowing them because I really dislike it (even since when I was in Thailand).

About the portion size, I'm learning a lot from my nutritionist. The thing is my hands are very small (like a 6 years old kids....I'm not kidding) and even a medium apple is bigger than mine so I have to estimate them a bit more. The size of the golf ball or tennis ball...I'm not use to it. When I scoop something up and try to estimate it...I forgot how big is the tennis or golf ball is.....but I'm learning it!! Thank you for the link!!

me too, since i started eating healthfully i have settled at about 110, 111ish. and i greatly prefer the way my body looked at 103 pounds. but.. i try to tell myself that if this is where my body clearly WANTS to be with a healthy diet and exercise regimen in place.. then i guess i have to accept that.

sometimes i think id rather be as thin as i was even though i felt like crap mentally and physically and was very sick all the time.. but at the end of the day, this is so much better. i think you should listen to your body because it's going to try to do whats best for you despite your efforts to fight it.. and if it wants to be 113 pounds (which is pretty darn light) my guess is you look great at that weight.

There is definitely an image perception that will probably take time and a lot of self awareness to begin to realize that healthy is the right size.  Truly when you feel better you look better, not only to yourself, but to others.

The answer then [with portions] is to buy a tennis ball or a golf ball, or whatever other visual aid you need. Again, address this with your nutritionist.

Apparently, it takes something like twelve tries of a new or long uneaten food before our palate begins to adapt. Give it time.