To those in recovery, contemplating help for any problem, or otherwise: a message.

A year ago, today, I was wondering if I'd even be alive in the autumn let alone fit for something like Uni. I didn't consider myself smart enough to meet the requirements for a course, appealing enough to any institution for them to take me or to make new friends wherever I'd go - heck, I couldn't get a job, my friends were moving around me as though I was invisible, I was having problems with my at-the-time boyfriend, my mum was stressed with work and my dad was smoking, eating and drinking himself into an early grave and all I had was starving myself and controlling my food. The future didn't exist.

Fast forward to now. I just checked my UCAS (the University system the UK uses) for the reported update I saw in my email inbox. I've been offered an "unconditional" entry to Southampton Solent Uni. That means, for those who don't know, that I have a guaranteed place there this September.

Furthermore - I had training for a fabulous, fun and fast-paced new job working in a milkshake making chain called Shakeaway, where we make custom milkshakes with a load of different flavours, ingredients and options. Not just making shakes, but laughing, joking with customers and dancing my afternoon away to Lady GaGa and The Spice Girls with a best friend of mine that I haven't gotten to connect with again in ages let alone speak to. And now she works with me. Now we work together. Now, I am working.

Whilst I'm not looking for a relationship with him my ex-boyfriend and I have been talking since our break up and he is finally looking for GP help with his depression. I was the one that encouraged him to make the appointment; he ended up going down on the verge of tears on the phone to me saying thankyou, and that he didn't deserve the help. I reminded him he was the one who instigated my own first appointment with my GP about my eating disorder and if anything, owed him. We're talking again and I am glad, because he was not someone I wanted to lose. At the same time, there isn't the grief that came with our being in a relationship - just friendship. This is all I need from him at this point in time and I feel the same can be said for him about me.

My parents have been my rock through recovery. My mum was diagnosed with high blood pressure and a dormant cyst in her neck at the same time as my anorexia and she vowed we'd "get healthy together". She lets me cry when I'm totally confused and when my ED butts in and she's also been a voice of clarity and reason. In turn, I've gotten her to go to yoga and pilates classes and made sure she takes time for herself because she never used to, to bring her stress levels - and thus, BP - down. 

And my dad? He was so confused at first, couldn't see it as a disorder but just me being fussy, but he's actually confessed to me now that my unhealthy eating habits taking a turn for the better got him to "reevaluate the way he looked at food" as well. He's going to the gym. He's cutting back on his drinking. He's eating less junk food and trying to make more healthy choices. He's not perfect but I would never expect him to be, but the fact he made those changes gives me a lot of heart.

A year ago today, he'd likely have greeted my coming home with a grunt and a question as to whether I'd got any money for him to go and buy some more cider while failing to make eye contact let alone say "hello". Today, I told him about my day, and he listened, and when I mentioned the Uni offer he actually said "I am proud of you".

Recovery has given me more than just health in my body. It's given me some clarity, and proof against a niggling voice in my head that what it threw at me a year ago is a lie. I am capable of making a change - not only in my own choices but apparently on those of others as well even if I don't realise I'm doing it. I'm not a failure. And I'm bloody going to University.

If you're questioning getting help, whatever your problem - stop questioning it, and get it. Even if you just start out by talking to a loved one like I did. Even if it just means one small step at a time. You are not unhelpable. You are not unworthy of help. No one will laugh at you or judge you. Keep positive about your future and getting better from whatever you're breaking away from - an eating disorder, or a mental problem, or an addiction, or even if it's just starting to lose weight to better your health - and stay positive.

And it may have taken a year, longer, for me, but when I opened my UCAS letter and saw that offer I knew - no doubt in my mind, no ED in my ear - that help was worth getting if this is what it brought me: life.

And good god, it feels good to get that out.

1) Unconditional UCAS offer = SHEER AWESOMENESS part I. I'm very jealous - I never got one of those! I'm pretty sure they are like gold-dust - I only know of a few people who got them!

2) Job at Shakeaway - could I be more jealous. That clearly equals PURE AWESOMENESS part II

3)  Well done for managing to establish a healthy relationship with your ex, and also for helping your mum to get through her health problems at the same time you struggled with yours. Sure, you were both there to support each other when you needed it most, but it really does show extraordinary strength of character.

4) I used to have a similar relationship like that with my dad. Granted he hasn't reevaluated his attitude to food and drink after seeing me struggle with my ED, but I'm just grateful that after this whole experience we now have a close relationship, so kudos to you for that cos I know how important it is to have your dad say that he's proud of you!

5) A true, heartfelt congratulations for really getting to grips with this ED and getting through it. Everything you have achieved is incredible, and with all the time you dedicate to helping others on this site and, I'm sure in your daily life, you are someone who completely deserves it all :)

sincere congratulations..... to be honest i would have thought (based on the intellect and common sense of many of your posts) that you were well on your way to your professorship!!

really though. i dont know anyone who battles as hard as you do each day. and i see you lashing the advice in the weight gain forum about "just doin it". i think you use it as much as perseverance for yourself as you do to advise those in need. i have seen you buckle sometimes in the face of the disorder, only to pick yourself up, and dust yourself off and start again.

and thats what the strongest ppl in life do. it is not about attaining perfection or flawlessness. it is about seeing, inside yourself daring to believe that you have something left to fight for and choosing (yes CHOOSING) to be the creator of your own destiny.

good for you on UCAS, good for you on a healing relationship with Mum n Dad. good for you on your ex Bf listening to you. and good for you in being determined each day to pick yourself up and dust yourself off..... your a right inspiration!

yes..... thats right an irish gal complimenting an english gal!!!!!!

That was inspirational lala. Thanks for sharing and congratulations on everything you have accomplished this past year.

Thankyou, all three of you :] It really does mean a lot. Oh, and Fidget: I'm half irish if it makes you feel any better. P:

lalabanana,

You wanted to make me cry didn't you LOL. There is a lot I would like to say but won't here as it's too personal.

I think you are amazing. Congratulations on the college letter, your job, your family, your friend/boyfriend.

You are truely a strong woman who is multitalented. I want you to know that I read your posts and I see a very compassionate person and an intelligent person.

There are many things in my life, one in particular that is simuliar and I relate to you. We are on opposite ends of the ED, me obese and you overcoming anorexia but there are some things in our 'past' or current situations that ring familiar in my ear.

I'm very proud of you. You are young but you are wise.

ps; i'm also part Irish

well done for all your achievements!!!

just wanted to ask, how did u recover from ED?? its soo hard. ive been eating a lot lately, well trying to but that guilty feeling inside me is still there! im trying and hopefully ill get there by reading all your inspirational stories.

once again well done!

Ricecake: Well, for one, I certainly wouldn't call myself "recovered". It is still an uphill battle some days. You also have to ask yourself what a "lot" is to you because an ED will warp your portion sizes and your view of size in general. I remember giving you advice in the past about getting help, and, really, that is what got me going - going to my doctor and asking for help. This shouldn't be a battle fought alone or with your sole support source a computer forum. I love CC because it brings me SOME support but is not my SOLE support.

So, really, I suggest if you've not spoken to your GP already, do. They aren't going to scorn you or look down on you, or make you "fat". Speaking to family and friends, as well, is worth doing. A relationship built on lies isn't one built at all so being honest with people you love about your illness is absolutely the way to go.

Original Post by lalabanana:

 This shouldn't be a battle fought alone or with your sole support source a computer forum. I love CC because it brings me SOME support but is not my SOLE support.

 Bingo!!  I think this is the key that a LOT of people here with disordered eating don't understand.  We at CC....we are just human.  We aren't doctors or medical professionals.  We aren't equipped to handle being the sole support for someone with an ED.  It's very important to get professional help as well, just as you said, lala.

On a side note, lala.  I applaud you for posting this.  I applaud you for trying so hard to help others.  And I'm so happy that your life is now going so well.  You are truly an inspiration whether you know it or not.

Congrats and hugs!!

Ellie, you deserve only the best, and I'm so glad life is starting to treat you accordingly.

Such a brave and inspirational person I have rarely met, and thank you for being so incredibly supportive.  Without your help, I might have reached the healthy weight I am now, but I can't imagine how. 

May I also say that if your parents have been a rock for you, you have more than returned the favour.  And, what's more, you have inspired them to change for the better.  Amazing.

So glad you're off to uni; you'll love it, I'm sure.  What are you studying?

All the best, and two words that will never mean enough, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to express--thank you,

Mel. xox

Thank you for sharing with us!

Lala,

It wouldn't let me message you again but I HAD TO COMMUNICATE!!!!
No I completely understand what you meant by binge- I was referring to similar experiences that apparently are considered "normal" during the initial phases of recovery, but I hate the title also and now refuse to use it- it's just similar- feeling out of control, then restricting just so I can do it again! It's crazy. I'm so sorry to have pushed your buttons I really didn't mean to! You're not being harsh. You're being kick-ass. YOU ROCK IT!!!! Will definitely be wanting to stay in touch with you .

 After reading this journal, I truly want to continue rebuilding my body. And that feeling is priceless- it doesn't feel like a fight against ed- it feels like I've already won

PS

You're the reason I'm hitting 3000 today- well, you and my health of course! haha

Oh man, this thread is going to make me teary. Lol. I really do appreciate it, though, and thank you in turn - I am still recovering, not recovered, and CC is still a massive support to me on my down days and the moments my eating disorder does affect me.

Mel: I'm going to be studying Media and Cultural Studies. Part production (as in, filming, photojournalism, radio, etc) course, part theory.

Peace: That's okay, you didn't tick me off. :] I just employ tough love a lot, haha. And yes, a sudden rush of "food, must eat!" when recovering does commonly happen because it's a survival impulse by our previously starved bodies. All of a sudden, WHACK - you're feeding it, and oh good lord food is available and FOOD! And so on. >> I'm glad you're hitting 3000 today, and make sure you keep it going! :]

Your course sounds awesome.  I did my undergrad degree in creative and professional writing, so I have a literary and cultural studies background.  Are you keen on becoming a journo, or are you more into the production side of things?  I remember you saying you like writing.

I have absolutely no doubt that you'll overcome your ED.  Thank you again; do you know I have now been maintaining a healthy weight for about a month?  This would have been unimaginable only a couple of months ago.  Ever so grateful. 

Mel. xox

Journalism more than production. I'm doing a short film piece for my current Media coursework but even then, it's an awareness film and not wholly fiction. And congrats, that's really admirable. :D Maintaining is probably the hardest thing for ANY person when it comes to weight (not just recoverers!) so that's awesome work, Mel. You should be really proud!

Ellie, you're going to make a great journalist.  Not only can you write, but you empathise with people, and you even have the tough, make-or-break attit ude of the classic reporter.  ;-)  Tough love is good.

Maintaining's not too tricky as yet.  I'm maintaining on about 3000 cals or a bit over--I've had to up a few times because my weight dropped a pound or two.  And I feel really good.  My mind feels so much better now.  My body does too, of course, but I'm thinking for myself again, and not just blindly following ED's beck and call. 

Be sure to show off your film here when you've completed it.  I enjoy writing scripts, but have never produced a film.  A very big job, but I know you're up to the challenge. 

Mel. xox

Ellie - your post brought tears to my eyes...because i've been in recovery for almost exactly a year as well...and a year ago I remember sitting in an emergency room, not sure if i'd make it through the night and now here I am - in my own home, seeing my friends, shopping, biking, travelling, LIVING. I never thought it possible but it happened. I can't believe the difference in my mind, the way I think. I go into stores and if I have to wear a size i am not used to I don't even care. Yes, my anorexia is always in the back of my mind, trying to knock on the door - but after 15 years, it's finally at the BACK of my mind, not the forefront!

Congrats to you, Ellie, on choosing life and living it. You've got such a bright, beautiful future ahead!

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh etoile (i finally found out it means star!!), i have wondered about you a millionteen times! 1st offfff you look fantastic! you look so so so so good. i just wanted to say that. and im sorry if i sound like an odd stalker - its just that when you posted last year you sounded in exactly the same place i was and i hadnt seen you in a long time and i wondered.

il pm this to you coz i dunno if you'l be back on this forum page. but im am just delighted to see you winning the war and braving the battle.... congrats and best wishes to you!!

Thanks for sharing and great job on the hard work you are doing. I like how you stated in life what you have and will continue to gain without the ed. I have read your posts and replies and really you seem so strong and know what you have to do to have a better life. It may be hard but you are doing it and that is great.

ETOILE! <3 Omg I haven't seen you in forever. I hope you are well. You really do look AMAZING. Congratulations to you for how far you've come and how gorgeous you look, it's honestly inspiring!

And thanks, too, Hope :] You're fighting this as well, I know, and you give so much good advice out.

Ultimately it's not just confined to my own strength; really, some of the strongest people I have EVER met are recovering from EDs - either posters here or in a couple of cases, from my clinic. But the determination to fight I see and read in others helps keep me driven to fight too, and the successes - whether little or large - as well as the common fears remind me (a) it can be done and (b) I'm not alone when I think I might be.

<3 to all of you, you rock hardcore.

Thanks, Ellie and Fidget! Yeah, I haven't been on in a while...I think days just started running into weeks, and there was so much to do with work, my new home, etc.  You know, it's funny, people keep telling me how good I look...i think they mean i look more energetic, and just happier in general. And it's funny that when I was at my lower weight I used to think i looked ok but when I look back - i looked tired, weary, sad....exactly how I ultimately felt! It's been a long long road but I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING to be where I am too. So to all those who continue to fight - trust me...it's worth it. Even now the fight continues, but every day, I know, it's still worth it.